I am writing on behalf of my sister. She has wanted to leave her loveless marriage for some time, but her husband is bedridden from osteoporosis and other issues. He literally cannot do anything for himself.
Here's the big issue: he has refused physical therapy, other nursing help AND has actually kicked out several paid caregivers. He expects my sister to take care of all caregiving duties (she works full time from home for the State).
She recently arranged for an ambulance to take him to the hospital since that's the only way he could get examined by a doctor(s) and get some sort of planned next steps. When the ambulance showed up, he refused to go. He is supposedly able to make his own decisions. I know that legally he cannot be forced to go to the hospital.
Even an ultimatum likely won't work e.g. "You are refusing to take the necessary steps to try to get well. I refuse to participate in your demise. Either agree to go to the hospital or I'm leaving and you'll be on your own. Call 911 if you need help". It'd be harsh and she likely couldn't do it, but it may be the only way to get him to the hospital and for her to have a life.
This has many legal and ethical issues involved. We'd be grateful for any suggestions!
My sister works, is exhausted and doesn't know where to turn.
However, the person does NOT have the right to insist a particular individual provides it.
1. Advice him to accept care agency staff (ie non-wife carer) or take the natural consequences. (Which is no care).
2. Arrange a care agency. If he cancels/obstructs let the agency note this & deal with it. Wife could physically leave the premises once agency is on site. His tantrums may cease if his target audience (wife) has left.
3. If he has made care from agency impossible ie aggressive, take the next steps.
The natural consequences are there is a vulnerable unwell man, refusing care.
This should prompt a mental health crises situation - Baker act.
I'm not sure I completely understand, if her husband is willing to accept outside help, is she willing to stay with him despite their loveless marriage?
She does need to first get things lined up, financials, attorney. She should write down everything that needs to be done by hubby then sit and calmly give him an ultimatum - she has a job outside him that has to be done and she does not have the energy to take care of him and do her job. That he must accept outside help, move to a facility for care and not say no or he is on his own.
If he continues to stay the course, she moves out and asks social services or APS to check in on him.
Good luck to your sister.
I know that all sounds mildly ridiculous, but the fact is that he's not going to change until she makes good on her threat to leave and actually does it. Even then, she needs to keep going out the door, because if he finally relents, he'll turn around and be a jerk again if she agrees to come back. If she feels completely overwhelmed with guilt, then she can oversee his care from a distance by writing the checks needed, but she'd be smarter to separate herself completely from him and their assets and allow a guardian take over the responsibility of his care.
Step 1 -- see a lawyer.
It must hurt you to see your sister going through this difficult period in her life. I totally agree with others about seeing a lawyer. I hope that she will find peace and joy in her life when all of this is behind her.
Please update us on how things are going for her. We care.