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Do you have thick skin? Can you just sit and listen thru the criticism? If so, I may want to hear what she says. Of course she will probably say it was all your fault. But, I may just let her go and make no comment. Then say "that was very interesting but I never saw our relationship that way". Then tell her why you do not agree. Or say "OK, but that does not change our relationship. I just understand better why we can't never be close."
My DH was the middle child of 3 boys. The youngest made a statement that "Dad was never home because he was out playing baseball" my DH said "Dad asked us if we wanted to watch him play and I was the only one who went". Two men raised in the same house with the same parents with two different outlooks.
Is rehashing really going to help? Does she "rehash" things when you see or talk to each other anyway? Or do you not talk to each other usually? Do you have the same issues she does? Do you remember things the way she does? Honestly rehashing just between the two of you probably is not going to accomplish what she wants it to or needs it to. If you both have issues and need to iron things out it would be a good idea if you BOTH talked to a therapist and had counseling together and separately. This way you can both have a third party moderating and the rehashing does not get derailed and end up in a shouting match that will accomplish nothing. This could take 1 or 2 sessions or a LOT more it depends on how deep her/your issues are and what is behind it all. Talking to a unbiased third party can be great for anyone.
It's up to you if you want to do this. It could be a good thing or it could not.
If you are going to work through the issues though, I'd do it with a therapist that could be a mediator. Otherwise it will probably devolve into a mom loved you best shouting match.
I think I would wait on this until your parents are gone and the estate is settled. If you are still in the midst of caregiving and liquidating an estate you need to keep it together for now and not rock the boat.
Be prepared for the scenario that she might just walk away.
I think it depends on your sister’s personality and your relationship with each other. If she’s not a chronic rehasher, maybe give her one - and one only - sit down session. If she is a dramatic personality, then no, she can talk to a therapist.
That said, my experience is that times someone wanted to ‘have a talk’ really meant they wanted to lay into me for perceived slights. It’s taken a few decades to recognize this trap but better late than never. Two-way chat, good. One way verbal barrage, no!
Yes, tell her to rehash things with a good therapist, as that probably is the only way she'll be able to move forward in a healthy manner. But do know that that may mean that she has to cut you out of her life for her own mental health's sake, as it sounds like it's you that has caused some of these said "issues." I can't help but wonder what you're so afraid of by sitting down and letting her speak her peace and you speak yours. What's the worst that can happen from doing just that, other than getting everything out in the open and moving forward? So again...what are afraid of?
Maybe it’s not fear . I come from a family of rehashers , It didn’t help most of the time . Rehashing was just throw up old issues in your face , while arguing over a new issue . 3 out of 4 of my siblings usually never wanted to see the other person’s perspective or views . They learned that from Mom.
Even scheduled rehashing to try to clear the air rarely worked.
We have very little to some no contact since parents died . There is no point .
I think make up your own mind about whether you want to listen. Probably whether this really would be something new that could resolve past problems, once for all.
I had a very difficult 8 years with my estranged daughter, and we finally got to go better. I still don’t know what she was so difficult back then. I would like to find out the problem, and resolve it once for all – so long as it doesn’t bring the bad stuff up again. I’m going OK pretending it never happened. That may be the way you too work out what to do, along those lines.
Sally, I'm also wondering if maybe, and I'm not sure about this at all , just thinking about my issue with my brother.
So maybe if you say down once, one and only time , sit with your sister, really listen to her. Let her get it all out, and let her be heard! Some times some people just want to be heard. And then tell her you heard her understand some of her issues and you want those issues now to rest in the past. It may free her from the past that she is stuck in. But then after never listen to it again
I would love to have my brother just once, listen and let me be heard.
It is just a suggestion, not sure about it at all but another way to think about it
Unless you think it will help you, don't engage in it. It would be best to do it under the guidance of a good therapist.
Otherwise, redirect the conversation or distract her or extinguish the behavior by completely ignoring it whenever she brings it up. Is she an Eeyore? A complainer? Can't solve problems? Just had my BIL like that at our house... living in the past, constantly.
Who are you taking care of In the family? you didn't give much information, we could answer better with more information.
Anyways honestly I feel like your sister may be so stuck in her past and hurt , no amount of talking about it will help her. I've seen people like that.
Actually my father never stopped complaining about his childhood, until he died.
Some people need therapy to help them get over it, or just stop harping on the past. We all have past issues not every has to talk about it. I think her head is stuck, in her childhood drama.
You could tell her that you like to live in the present, you understand that she has hurt and she needs counseling.
My DH gave time to a close relative to listen. Once a week. Limited time. But nothing ever changed. One day he snapped, "Look I've HEARD all that". The caller said but 'I still FEEL it'. He said something blunt like "So? So feel it. But I don't need to hear it again. Go talk to someone else." He was done.
Another attempt to gain him back as the Listening Post got a reply something like "I am not your therapist. Get one."
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My DH was the middle child of 3 boys. The youngest made a statement that "Dad was never home because he was out playing baseball" my DH said "Dad asked us if we wanted to watch him play and I was the only one who went". Two men raised in the same house with the same parents with two different outlooks.
Does she "rehash" things when you see or talk to each other anyway? Or do you not talk to each other usually?
Do you have the same issues she does? Do you remember things the way she does?
Honestly rehashing just between the two of you probably is not going to accomplish what she wants it to or needs it to.
If you both have issues and need to iron things out it would be a good idea if you BOTH talked to a therapist and had counseling together and separately. This way you can both have a third party moderating and the rehashing does not get derailed and end up in a shouting match that will accomplish nothing.
This could take 1 or 2 sessions or a LOT more it depends on how deep her/your issues are and what is behind it all.
Talking to a unbiased third party can be great for anyone.
If you are going to work through the issues though, I'd do it with a therapist that could be a mediator. Otherwise it will probably devolve into a mom loved you best shouting match.
I think I would wait on this until your parents are gone and the estate is settled. If you are still in the midst of caregiving and liquidating an estate you need to keep it together for now and not rock the boat.
Be prepared for the scenario that she might just walk away.
That said, my experience is that times someone wanted to ‘have a talk’ really meant they wanted to lay into me for perceived slights. It’s taken a few decades to recognize this trap but better late than never. Two-way chat, good. One way verbal barrage, no!
I hope whatever you decide has the best outcome.
But do know that that may mean that she has to cut you out of her life for her own mental health's sake, as it sounds like it's you that has caused some of these said "issues."
I can't help but wonder what you're so afraid of by sitting down and letting her speak her peace and you speak yours. What's the worst that can happen from doing just that, other than getting everything out in the open and moving forward?
So again...what are afraid of?
I come from a family of rehashers ,
It didn’t help most of the time .
Rehashing was just throw up old issues in your face , while arguing over a new issue . 3 out of 4 of my siblings usually never wanted to see the other person’s perspective or views . They learned that from Mom.
Even scheduled rehashing to try to clear the air rarely worked.
We have very little to some no contact since parents died . There is no point .
I had a very difficult 8 years with my estranged daughter, and we finally got to go better. I still don’t know what she was so difficult back then. I would like to find out the problem, and resolve it once for all – so long as it doesn’t bring the bad stuff up again. I’m going OK pretending it never happened. That may be the way you too work out what to do, along those lines.
She should take her issues to a therapist .
It’s up to you if you want to join her ….and only if the therapist thinks it appropriate .
And you can speak your mind
But not on my time
Suggest gently she discuss with a good therapist.
“ You May Be Right “🎵🎤🎧🎹🥁😂😂
So maybe if you say down once, one and only time , sit with your sister, really listen to her. Let her get it all out, and let her be heard! Some times some people just want to be heard. And then tell her you heard her understand some of her issues and you want those issues now to rest in the past. It may free her from the past that she is stuck in. But then after never listen to it again
I would love to have my brother just once, listen and let me be heard.
It is just a suggestion, not sure about it at all but another way to think about it
Otherwise, redirect the conversation or distract her or extinguish the behavior by completely ignoring it whenever she brings it up. Is she an Eeyore? A complainer? Can't solve problems? Just had my BIL like that at our house... living in the past, constantly.
Anyways honestly I feel like your sister may be so stuck in her past and hurt , no amount of talking about it will help her. I've seen people like that.
Actually my father never stopped complaining about his childhood, until he died.
Some people need therapy to help them get over it, or just stop harping on the past. We all have past issues not every has to talk about it. I think her head is stuck, in her childhood drama.
You could tell her that you like to live in the present, you understand that she has hurt and she needs counseling.
Best of luck
He was done.
Another attempt to gain him back as the Listening Post got a reply something like "I am not your therapist. Get one."