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She said working through these issues is the only way she can have a relationship and work together.

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Do you have thick skin? Can you just sit and listen thru the criticism? If so, I may want to hear what she says. Of course she will probably say it was all your fault. But, I may just let her go and make no comment. Then say "that was very interesting but I never saw our relationship that way". Then tell her why you do not agree. Or say "OK, but that does not change our relationship. I just understand better why we can't never be close."

My DH was the middle child of 3 boys. The youngest made a statement that "Dad was never home because he was out playing baseball" my DH said "Dad asked us if we wanted to watch him play and I was the only one who went". Two men raised in the same house with the same parents with two different outlooks.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Is rehashing really going to help?
Does she "rehash" things when you see or talk to each other anyway? Or do you not talk to each other usually?
Do you have the same issues she does? Do you remember things the way she does?
Honestly rehashing just between the two of you probably is not going to accomplish what she wants it to or needs it to.
If you both have issues and need to iron things out it would be a good idea if you BOTH talked to a therapist and had counseling together and separately. This way you can both have a third party moderating and the rehashing does not get derailed and end up in a shouting match that will accomplish nothing.
This could take 1 or 2 sessions or a LOT more it depends on how deep her/your issues are and what is behind it all.
Talking to a unbiased third party can be great for anyone.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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It's up to you if you want to do this. It could be a good thing or it could not.

If you are going to work through the issues though, I'd do it with a therapist that could be a mediator. Otherwise it will probably devolve into a mom loved you best shouting match.

I think I would wait on this until your parents are gone and the estate is settled. If you are still in the midst of caregiving and liquidating an estate you need to keep it together for now and not rock the boat.

Be prepared for the scenario that she might just walk away.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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I think it depends on your sister’s personality and your relationship with each other. If she’s not a chronic rehasher, maybe give her one - and one only - sit down session. If she is a dramatic personality, then no, she can talk to a therapist.

That said, my experience is that times someone wanted to ‘have a talk’ really meant they wanted to lay into me for perceived slights. It’s taken a few decades to recognize this trap but better late than never. Two-way chat, good. One way verbal barrage, no!

I hope whatever you decide has the best outcome.
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Reply to Madisoncuckoo7
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Yes, tell her to rehash things with a good therapist, as that probably is the only way she'll be able to move forward in a healthy manner.
But do know that that may mean that she has to cut you out of her life for her own mental health's sake, as it sounds like it's you that has caused some of these said "issues."
I can't help but wonder what you're so afraid of by sitting down and letting her speak her peace and you speak yours. What's the worst that can happen from doing just that, other than getting everything out in the open and moving forward?
So again...what are afraid of?
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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waytomisery Jul 6, 2024
Maybe it’s not fear .
I come from a family of rehashers ,
It didn’t help most of the time .
Rehashing was just throw up old issues in your face , while arguing over a new issue . 3 out of 4 of my siblings usually never wanted to see the other person’s perspective or views . They learned that from Mom.

Even scheduled rehashing to try to clear the air rarely worked.

We have very little to some no contact since parents died . There is no point .
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I think make up your own mind about whether you want to listen. Probably whether this really would be something new that could resolve past problems, once for all.

I had a very difficult 8 years with my estranged daughter, and we finally got to go better. I still don’t know what she was so difficult back then. I would like to find out the problem, and resolve it once for all – so long as it doesn’t bring the bad stuff up again. I’m going OK pretending it never happened. That may be the way you too work out what to do, along those lines.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Just because she wants to rehash , doesn’t mean you have to .

She should take her issues to a therapist .
It’s up to you if you want to join her ….and only if the therapist thinks it appropriate .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Cue Billy Joel's 'My Life':

And you can speak your mind
But not on my time

Suggest gently she discuss with a good therapist.
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waytomisery Jul 5, 2024
@ Beatty ,

“ You May Be Right “🎵🎤🎧🎹🥁😂😂
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Sally, I'm also wondering if maybe, and I'm not sure about this at all , just thinking about my issue with my brother.

So maybe if you say down once, one and only time , sit with your sister, really listen to her. Let her get it all out, and let her be heard! Some times some people just want to be heard. And then tell her you heard her understand some of her issues and you want those issues now to rest in the past. It may free her from the past that she is stuck in. But then after never listen to it again


I would love to have my brother just once, listen and let me be heard.

It is just a suggestion, not sure about it at all but another way to think about it
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Unless you think it will help you, don't engage in it. It would be best to do it under the guidance of a good therapist.

Otherwise, redirect the conversation or distract her or extinguish the behavior by completely ignoring it whenever she brings it up. Is she an Eeyore? A complainer? Can't solve problems? Just had my BIL like that at our house... living in the past, constantly.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Beatty Jul 5, 2024
Eeyore 👏
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Who are you taking care of In the family? you didn't give much information, we could answer better with more information.

Anyways honestly I feel like your sister may be so stuck in her past and hurt , no amount of talking about it will help her. I've seen people like that.

Actually my father never stopped complaining about his childhood, until he died.

Some people need therapy to help them get over it, or just stop harping on the past. We all have past issues not every has to talk about it. I think her head is stuck, in her childhood drama.

You could tell her that you like to live in the present, you understand that she has hurt and she needs counseling.

Best of luck
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Beatty Jul 5, 2024
My DH gave time to a close relative to listen. Once a week. Limited time. But nothing ever changed. One day he snapped, "Look I've HEARD all that". The caller said but 'I still FEEL it'. He said something blunt like "So? So feel it. But I don't need to hear it again. Go talk to someone else."
He was done.

Another attempt to gain him back as the Listening Post got a reply something like "I am not your therapist. Get one."
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