As the disease progresses the person will lose their executive ability, so won't be able to participate without cueing. This would be a good thing to discuss with the MC director, to get cueing for activities that she might enjoy added to her care plan.
You can encourage her but that's as much as you can do. That's how it's been with my 89-yr old MIL in LTC. When she first went into AL she started to refuse to do anything. Then she refused to get out of bed. Now she's in LTC because she lost her mobility but willingly goes to the activities and events if we or the staff ask her to.
This isn't up to you, it's up to mom and her care facility. I'm sure you've had the experience of telling her of an activity that you think she might enjoy, but then she doesn't do it. This frustrates you, but she most likely doesn't recall that she agreed to do it. On top of that, she can't execute the idea because she's lost that ability.
I'm so sorry. The best thing is to lower your expectations. This is how it is now. Best to just let things be. Take comfort in the fact that she is where she gets good care and that you are there to oversee. She's lucky to have a concerned and caring daughter.
I agree. My 92 yr old Mother is in AL and still not happy. She has attached to a gentleman who lives there and HE has been able to get her to bingo and activities that she did not want to do. He’s an Angel! You just have to step back and hopefully she’ll have a friend or two that will encourage her to join in. Like this forum has told me, we made the right decision and as long as she’s safe, that’s what matters to me. I’ve been told at her age, she may never truly be happy again. It’s sad but true. All the best to your Mom and you.
If she seems content , let her be . For some people as dementia progresses , activities are just noise and confusion . Some prefer quiet and to look out the window .
Is it an option for her to just sit and watch? My MIL’s NH had an arrangement to take the church flowers after a day of Saturday weddings (each of which brought their own flowers, masses at the end of the day). The NH activity for the next day or two was to sort the flowers and put them into vases. Other residents just sat at the edge of the activity, watched what was happening and enjoyed seeing it all. That’s a lot less demanding.
As dementia progresses, folks often prefer not to be around a lot of other people but would rather stay in their safe routine. Getting out of that routine can cause great agitation and distress, so I would just allow your sweet mom to live out her days the way that she wants to. Otherwise if you wanted to try and take her personally to some of these activities when you're there, you can then get a better gauge on how your mom reacts to them. If she starts showing any kind of distress, then you just take her back to her room. Having a loved one with dementia is hard....I know. When my late husband was progressing in his, he didn't even like to have any family come visit as it disrupted his routine and he would get angry and agitated, and often would just escape to our bedroom. So don't push it with your mom, just enjoy whatever time you may have left with best as you can. God bless you.
Time your visits for when there is an activity you think she should enjoy and go with her, that icebreaker might be all she needs to continue attending in the future.
I love cwillie's idea about visiting her at times when the activities are happening. At some there is a great variety of activities such as Bingo, tours by van, visits from therapy pets, lectures, art classes, puzzles and games. If you attend some with your Mom it will quickly become clear which she likes.
Now I will say, for some--like me and like my brother--the inclination is less toward social activities. My brother was always very private. I am as well and most of my activities are solitary. Walking, gardening, painting. I even prefer to go to Museums alone.
If your mother was once very social and you note her withdrawal now then I would speak with her about that. She may prefer to be alone. For my brother and I we liked to sit together and watch the world go by. He enjoyed reading, walking, picking roses for the table in his ALF, going over for a.m. coffee in the main clubhouse. Not terribly "social" or active in that way. My own aunt was exceptionally contemplative in her last years in care and told me she loved sitting quietly and remembering a review of her life. Everyone's different!
Encouraging your mother to join activities in a memory care facility can significantly enhance her quality of life. Here are some strategies to help her engage:
Understand Her Preferences
Identify Interests: Speak with her and the facility staff to identify activities she previously enjoyed or might still find interesting.
Tailored Activities: Choose activities that align with her past hobbies and current capabilities.
Facilitate a Positive Environment
Familiar Faces: Encourage her to participate in activities where staff members she trusts are present.
Peer Participation: Find out if she has made friends at the facility and if those friends are attending any activities. Social encouragement can be powerful. Gradual Introduction
Start Small: Begin with short, low-pressure activities to avoid overwhelming her. Companionship: Initially attend activities with her, if possible, to provide comfort and encouragement.
Work with Staff
Staff Support: Communicate with staff about her interests and any specific concerns. Staff can gently encourage her and provide additional support during activities.
Activity Adaptation: Ensure activities are adapted to her abilities, providing appropriate challenges without causing frustration.
Use Positive Reinforcement
Celebrate Success: Praise her when she participates, reinforcing positive behavior.
Reward System: Small rewards or treats after participating can provide additional motivation.
Create a Routine
Consistent Schedule: Encourage her to attend activities at the same time each day to build a routine.
Predictable Structure: Familiarity and routine can reduce anxiety and make participation more likely.
Incorporate Reminiscence Therapy
Memory Triggers: Activities that involve familiar music, old photos, or storytelling can engage her interests and memories.
Comfort Items: Allow her to bring a comforting item from her room to activities. Monitor and Adapt
Feedback Loop: Regularly check in with staff about her participation and enjoyment levels.
Adjust Activities: Be flexible and willing to change activities if certain ones are not resonating with her.
Encourage Physical and Cognitive Activities
Gentle Exercise: Activities like chair yoga or guided walks can be both engaging and beneficial.
Cognitive Stimulation: Puzzles, simple games, or arts and crafts can provide cognitive stimulation and enjoyment.
Address Emotional and Physical Needs
Comfort and Safety: Ensure she feels safe and comfortable in the environment where activities are held.
Health Check: Make sure there are no physical or medical issues (like pain or medication side effects) that might be hindering her participation.
Foster a Positive Outlook
Patience and Understanding: Be patient and understanding of her fluctuating capabilities and moods.
Emotional Support: Regularly express your love and support, reassuring her that her involvement in activities is a positive step.
By utilizing these strategies, you can help your mother feel more comfortable and motivated to join in activities, enhancing her well-being and quality of life in the memory care facility.
The activities that a MC should have should be simple. Your Mom can no longer learn new things. The loss of short-term memory will not allow her to retain the info. IMO, if Mom did not do it before her Dementia, she won't do it after. The staff's responsibility is to try and involve her. My Mom never played Bingo before, didn't play it after. But she liked the entertainment provided. Would sit and tap her foot to the music. If Mom does not want to be involved she should not be forced,
This is something I learned recently from a woman who conducts seminars on dementia. If someone didn't do something before dementia set in, you can't expect that behavior to change. You have to work with what you have. Also the short term memory thing - learning anything new is very difficult. Even navigating a TV remote has become a challenge for my Dad. My husband had to figure out a solution so he could not press the wrong buttons. It is just the saddest thing watching them slip away.
If asked, my mum will say that she doesn't want to go to any activity. However, I have taken her to the singalong group, and she really enjoys it. Yet, we still have the same routine of her complaining when I get her ready and into her wheelchair. Then, her face brightens once the music starts and she joins in with the singing.
Once Mum stops showing any sign of enjoyment, then we'll stop. I can't go by what Mum says, as she can't remember that she enjoys the singalong. Also, dementia has robbed her of her decision making abilities.
It may be that your mum will enjoy an activity if someone else makes the decision and takes her along. However, I wouldn't expect her to have the impetus to join in herself.
Also, if your mum never gets to join in, don't feel that she's missing out; we only feel like we're missing out when we are aware that we are. Your mum will have little awareness. Also, it may be that your mum is happier when left in peace and quiet.
On a side note, I felt a little envious, though happy for you, when I read your profile and how close you and your mum were. I would have loved that kind of relationship with my mum, or with my daughter. However, my daughter takes after her grandma, so that is just a pipe dream!
I totally understand that you miss having lunch and shopping with your mom.
You say that your mom lived with you for 16 years and you feel sad and guilty because she now lives in memory care.
There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. In fact, be proud of yourself for making sure that she is receiving good care.
My mom lived with me for many years too. I think we lose sight of our own needs and we become one with our mom. Right?
Deep down, I don’t think your mom would want you to sacrifice your life for her.
My mom told me that she was sorry that I sacrificed my life for her shortly before she died.
So, lose the guilt. Being sad about your mom’s condition is perfectly normal though.
As far as your mom not participating in activities. Follow her lead. If she doesn’t seem like she is interested in socializing with others, I wouldn’t be overly concerned.
This is a learning curve for you, just as it is for your mom. You are going to figure it out, not only with the help of others, but from your own intuition.
My 92 year old mom has been in memory care for just 3 months now. We're all still adjusting. She wasn't very social before being placed. The facility has activities every day. We were told the staff tries to rally all the residents to join but they don't push it. I usually find mom in her room when everyone else is in the community room . I asked the staff if they can try to persuade her a little more to join..they said she actually does join in more times then not. My visits just seem to be on the days she didn't want to??? Not sure about that..we do have a camera in her room to check in on her and find she is actually out of her room quite a bit. I also was told she likes to " help" the staff at the desk. They give her " tasks " to keep her busy which I loved to hear this. She was a charge nurse for years so she used to do alot of paper work. I also heard she goes out on the van rides for ice cream and to go down by the waterfront. She tells me she's bored all the time, which I truly believe she just doesn't remember that she had a pretty active day before I got there. . Again, it's only been a few months. But I trust the staff, she's eating and sleeping so much better than she was before we had to place her. I also am doing the same . As her primary caregiver the last 3 years I'm able to sleep at night knowing she is safe and well cared for.
The Memory Care facility should have an Activity Director. You can speak directly with that person and ask them to make a little extra effort trying to coax your mother into joining activities. The fact that Mom is in a memory care facility suggests that her mind is not functioning the way it once did, and she may simply not know what activities are available to her or how to get involved. If you think she would enjoy that, then having someone to go and get her and pull her in to things she would enjoy may be all she needs.
Conversely, she may simply not have the energy or desire to socialize. After a couple attempts to have her join in, if she refuses, then allow her to live on her terms.
We had to move my father who is 90 to an assisted living facility in Feb. His vision is impaired (macular degeneration) and he could no longer manage his home even with home aids coming in. It has been a process for him to acclimate. He was never a big social person - my mother was his social conduit. We have tried to encourage him to join various activities at his place but he has no interest. He spent his entire life working, keeping his house in order, his cars in repair and never really had time to develop hobbies. He is tired now. He is with people during meals and he seems to enjoy that. He will sometimes just sit with another man after his meals in the downstairs living area. We see him 3 or 4 times a week and bring him to our house for Sunday dinners. I have to respect that he is tired, kind of worn out so we don't push things. It is very sad but since my mother died, I think he is just waiting to die, yet he seems to have a will to keep going.
maybe go into a room with everyone and join in something light with one of the other residents maybe she needs to connect t with someone That said she may not want to join in activities she may want personal space does she listen to radio shows msybe tapes for her to listen to n get someone along to listen as well who may enjoy it failing that maybe to listen to a take or show with your mum on visits and chat a little about them
Babs... How active was your mom when she was living with you? How active was she after she fell and broke her pelvic? Is she in pain? I know difficult to tell when someone has dementia. does she frown or grimace when she moves?
Getting back to my first question how active was she when she was living with you... If she sat and watched TV most of the time you can't expect her to change her routine now that she is in a facility. They can ask her and encourage her to join in but if she does not want to they will not force her. You can talk to the director in charge of the MC unit and ask what they do to encourage her. Also ask what she does when you're not there.
Also keep in mind that part of dementia and the beginning of the end of your life it is normal to begin to sleep more, you begin to disengage from activities.
The 'best' way is for you to go with her. Get her used to it ... stay for a while.
Take her to facility lunch to meet others... Sit in the lobby and encourage others to talk to her
Depending on how long she's been there, she may need more time to adjust to new surroundings.
Assess if she is depressed (certainly could be); level/degree of confusion. She may not understand what the 'activities are.'
Consider if meds needed to get her calmed down or manage depression.
Engage / approach the social worker / activity director to give her more attention / encouragement to join in.
If she is in a wheel-chair (or even if not), 'just' take her and see how she does. She may not be able to make this decision, at least not initially. She may need more direction.
I'm so sorry. The best thing is to lower your expectations. This is how it is now. Best to just let things be. Take comfort in the fact that she is where she gets good care and that you are there to oversee. She's lucky to have a concerned and caring daughter.
You just have to step back and hopefully she’ll have a friend or two that will encourage her to join in. Like this forum has told me, we made the right decision and as long as she’s safe, that’s what matters to me. I’ve been told at her age, she may never truly be happy again. It’s sad but true.
All the best to your Mom and you.
Otherwise if you wanted to try and take her personally to some of these activities when you're there, you can then get a better gauge on how your mom reacts to them. If she starts showing any kind of distress, then you just take her back to her room.
Having a loved one with dementia is hard....I know. When my late husband was progressing in his, he didn't even like to have any family come visit as it disrupted his routine and he would get angry and agitated, and often would just escape to our bedroom.
So don't push it with your mom, just enjoy whatever time you may have left with best as you can.
God bless you.
Now I will say, for some--like me and like my brother--the inclination is less toward social activities. My brother was always very private. I am as well and most of my activities are solitary. Walking, gardening, painting. I even prefer to go to Museums alone.
If your mother was once very social and you note her withdrawal now then I would speak with her about that. She may prefer to be alone. For my brother and I we liked to sit together and watch the world go by. He enjoyed reading, walking, picking roses for the table in his ALF, going over for a.m. coffee in the main clubhouse. Not terribly "social" or active in that way. My own aunt was exceptionally contemplative in her last years in care and told me she loved sitting quietly and remembering a review of her life. Everyone's different!
Understand Her Preferences
Identify Interests: Speak with her and the facility staff to identify activities she previously enjoyed or might still find interesting.
Tailored Activities: Choose activities that align with her past hobbies and current capabilities.
Facilitate a Positive Environment
Familiar Faces: Encourage her to participate in activities where staff members she trusts are present.
Peer Participation: Find out if she has made friends at the facility and if those friends are attending any activities. Social encouragement can be powerful.
Gradual Introduction
Start Small: Begin with short, low-pressure activities to avoid overwhelming her.
Companionship: Initially attend activities with her, if possible, to provide comfort and encouragement.
Work with Staff
Staff Support: Communicate with staff about her interests and any specific concerns. Staff can gently encourage her and provide additional support during activities.
Activity Adaptation: Ensure activities are adapted to her abilities, providing appropriate challenges without causing frustration.
Use Positive Reinforcement
Celebrate Success: Praise her when she participates, reinforcing positive behavior.
Reward System: Small rewards or treats after participating can provide additional motivation.
Create a Routine
Consistent Schedule: Encourage her to attend activities at the same time each day to build a routine.
Predictable Structure: Familiarity and routine can reduce anxiety and make participation more likely.
Incorporate Reminiscence Therapy
Memory Triggers: Activities that involve familiar music, old photos, or storytelling can engage her interests and memories.
Comfort Items: Allow her to bring a comforting item from her room to activities.
Monitor and Adapt
Feedback Loop: Regularly check in with staff about her participation and enjoyment levels.
Adjust Activities: Be flexible and willing to change activities if certain ones are not resonating with her.
Encourage Physical and Cognitive Activities
Gentle Exercise: Activities like chair yoga or guided walks can be both engaging and beneficial.
Cognitive Stimulation: Puzzles, simple games, or arts and crafts can provide cognitive stimulation and enjoyment.
Address Emotional and Physical Needs
Comfort and Safety: Ensure she feels safe and comfortable in the environment where activities are held.
Health Check: Make sure there are no physical or medical issues (like pain or medication side effects) that might be hindering her participation.
Foster a Positive Outlook
Patience and Understanding: Be patient and understanding of her fluctuating capabilities and moods.
Emotional Support: Regularly express your love and support, reassuring her that her involvement in activities is a positive step.
By utilizing these strategies, you can help your mother feel more comfortable and motivated to join in activities, enhancing her well-being and quality of life in the memory care facility.
Once Mum stops showing any sign of enjoyment, then we'll stop. I can't go by what Mum says, as she can't remember that she enjoys the singalong. Also, dementia has robbed her of her decision making abilities.
It may be that your mum will enjoy an activity if someone else makes the decision and takes her along. However, I wouldn't expect her to have the impetus to join in herself.
Also, if your mum never gets to join in, don't feel that she's missing out; we only feel like we're missing out when we are aware that we are. Your mum will have little awareness.
Also, it may be that your mum is happier when left in peace and quiet.
On a side note, I felt a little envious, though happy for you, when I read your profile and how close you and your mum were. I would have loved that kind of relationship with my mum, or with my daughter. However, my daughter takes after her grandma, so that is just a pipe dream!
I totally understand that you miss having lunch and shopping with your mom.
You say that your mom lived with you for 16 years and you feel sad and guilty because she now lives in memory care.
There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. In fact, be proud of yourself for making sure that she is receiving good care.
My mom lived with me for many years too. I think we lose sight of our own needs and we become one with our mom. Right?
Deep down, I don’t think your mom would want you to sacrifice your life for her.
My mom told me that she was sorry that I sacrificed my life for her shortly before she died.
So, lose the guilt. Being sad about your mom’s condition is perfectly normal though.
As far as your mom not participating in activities. Follow her lead. If she doesn’t seem like she is interested in socializing with others, I wouldn’t be overly concerned.
This is a learning curve for you, just as it is for your mom. You are going to figure it out, not only with the help of others, but from your own intuition.
Wishing you and your mother well.
The fact that Mom is in a memory care facility suggests that her mind is not functioning the way it once did, and she may simply not know what activities are available to her or how to get involved. If you think she would enjoy that, then having someone to go and get her and pull her in to things she would enjoy may be all she needs.
Conversely, she may simply not have the energy or desire to socialize. After a couple attempts to have her join in, if she refuses, then allow her to live on her terms.
maybe she needs to connect t with someone
That said she may not want to join in activities
she may want personal
space
does she listen to radio shows
msybe tapes for her to listen to n get someone along to listen as well who may enjoy it
failing that maybe to listen to a take or show with your mum on visits and chat a little about them
How active was your mom when she was living with you?
How active was she after she fell and broke her pelvic?
Is she in pain? I know difficult to tell when someone has dementia. does she frown or grimace when she moves?
Getting back to my first question how active was she when she was living with you...
If she sat and watched TV most of the time you can't expect her to change her routine now that she is in a facility.
They can ask her and encourage her to join in but if she does not want to they will not force her.
You can talk to the director in charge of the MC unit and ask what they do to encourage her. Also ask what she does when you're not there.
Also keep in mind that part of dementia and the beginning of the end of your life it is normal to begin to sleep more, you begin to disengage from activities.
Get her used to it ... stay for a while.
Take her to facility lunch to meet others...
Sit in the lobby and encourage others to talk to her
Depending on how long she's been there, she may need more time to adjust to new surroundings.
Assess if she is depressed (certainly could be); level/degree of confusion.
She may not understand what the 'activities are.'
Consider if meds needed to get her calmed down or manage depression.
Engage / approach the social worker / activity director to give her more attention / encouragement to join in.
If she is in a wheel-chair (or even if not), 'just' take her and see how she does. She may not be able to make this decision, at least not initially. She may need more direction.
Gena / Touch Matters