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I don't want to do this. I am 20 and in college and feel that I am way too young for this. I have a (male) cousin (my uncle's son) who is around 40, who is also single and not tied down with a family, but has more life experience. I do not like dealing with other peoples' bodily functions. I am not close with this grandmother, she has never encouraged me, and has made put-downs in the past and told me not to aim high. Aside from the fact that I am not close with this grandmother, I just don't want to do this. Even if she were my favorite grandma, I do not want to get involved in her bathroom functions and bodily fluids and just feel grossed out. My other grandmother found out I said no to my uncle's request for the first grandmother and called me selfish and said that if a granddaughter loves her grandmother, she will help her with the bathroom. I don't want to speak to this second grandmother. It just feels like my boundaries have been violated. I have made it clear that I don't get involved in other peoples' bodily functions. Both grandparents have Medicaid, free home health aides, and other services. I am not necessary, and I will resent it if emotionally manipulated into helping them with bodily functions/bathroom stuff. I just can't look at either grandmother right now. I am okay with visiting them but not okay with helping them with personal care once they need it (they both have Medicaid, Medicare, and free Home Health Aides). The second grandmother said that I need to accept that I am a female and that caregiving is a woman's role. I feel like the second grandmother is anxious that I won't help her with bathroom functions when she gets older. And that is true. Bathroom help, bodily functions, and diapers are my non-negotiable boundary. I feel so grossed out by both grandmas right now, I can't even look at them. I feel like a parent has to get over diaper changing if he or she wants to have a baby, but I don't think a young girl in her 20s, who does not have children and has never changed a diaper, should be asked to do this for an obese and manipulative grandmother. Am I overreacting? Am I too sensitive to bodily functions? I've set this boundary, and I feel so violated along with the boundary. And I just feel like I shouldn't even be asked this question in the first place. I don't know if I should feel ashamed because I am disgusted by both grandmothers because of being asked to get involved with their bathroom functions. I just feel like I want to throw up, and I probably would, if I had to go to the bathroom with them. Is this normal? Am I being selfish? Is it okay to set a boundary of no adult diapers/bathroom/bodily functions, especially when they have free caregiving at home and at the hospital, there are trained staff to help with that sort of stuff. I am not even trained in bacteria, gloves, and pathogens. I don't want to be a caregiver.

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think Rovana got it right to a degree... Uncle may be scared and was trying to pass the buck....

uncle doesn't know or want to deal with it... uncle needs to talk with social services. uncle doesn't have a clue on how to take care of his mom... uncle needs to understand that is okay, but find services that can help him help her.

grandchild doesn't need to be pushed into this type of situation...

hope he finds the right person to help him... he and his mom will be okay, they will find the help they need...
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TO THE RESTROOM !!! porta potty by the bed...

or

a pan under her... just make sure she is not sitting over it for 4 hours... that is not good...

diaper change...

Hoyer Lift if you need to move her somewhere... that takes training too.

This Is Not Your Battle .. Let the hospital staff and the POA figure it out.

Do your job.. get good grades and get out of college and live however.. you need or want to..

Let Social Services, POA, and whoever else is in the legal system...do their job or their interpretations of this situation...

So, now you could consider elder care law... paralegal.. etc.. you now have a lil bit of experience..right :-\ ?
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Thank you everyone for your words of support and advice! It was really helpful to hear about your experiences!
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This is a much ado about nothing. Understand clearly everyone, that hospitals and their staff are in charge of services to their patients. In addition, Grandma is probably a fall-risk, they won’t allow anyone to get her up and out of bed. Picture a 20 y/o trying to get a large, probably unsteady, old lady out of bed and into the bathroom. Definitely need to start way ahead! Maybe your family doesn’t quite understand nursing responsibilities in the U.S. A talk with the nurses station might clarify the expectations for family about the staff’s duties. Meanwhile, you busy college student, call grandma on the phone and chat a bit, that can be your visit.
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I would never do anything I felt uncomfortable doing. Unless it’s my own parent , I don’t feel obligated to help relatives. Social services can help with any outside caregiving.
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Stick to your guns. Do not let anyone bully you into taking care of anyone. You are young and frankly at twenty I would not want to do such a personal task. Do not allow them to make you feel guilty. Good Luck and enjoy your college years.
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CGI, your replies outlining more of Grandma's character & 'mode of operendi' speak volumes.

Depression? Always snarky, negative comments can be a sign of depression. She could take reaponsibility for her feelings & seek help/treatment.. or chose to blame others instead.

She could be a Pot Stirrer. A manipulative type that stirs & pushes people to get a reaction. Pushes until she gets rudeness. Sometimes the earliest stages of Dementia looks like this.

Or a dramatic type, ie The Drama Queen.

If no drama exists, she will invent it...you are late! The coffee/bread is wrong etc. You may notice she has chosen some victims but leaves others alone (like your Mother).

Have a look at The Karpman Drama Triangle, if you haven't heard of it. Your Grandma's favorite position may be Persucator, attacking you or Victim, blaming you. She keeps trying to make you play her Rescuer. The way free is to not take on these roles. Do just as you did when you took 10 mins in the car. You removed yourself from her drama. Brilliant 👏👏

It takes practice to remain calm, not be triggered. Sometimes a relationship like this is just too damaging so you cut all contact.

Or maybe you only visit for special events or birthdays, always with others present. Clearly defining yourself as Granddaughter (not carer).

That is exactly what I have done myself (as a sister) as when the role blurred it became a nightmare just as you experienced. My one offered car trip became a multistop all day event. One appointment became a weeks worth. I offered occasional help but was assumed a slave. She lost distiction I had a life & assumed I was there to support hers all the time. Like the way a young baby thinks really. Your Grandma sounds the same.

So I redrew my boundaries & quit all care duties. This is self-preservation. It's sad when others don't see this to back you up. Maybe they need to live it themselves to find out. Maybe your Dad & Uncle have been trained their whole lives to be 'good sons' (meaning never stand up to her).

Families dynamics are all so interesting aren't they?
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Hi! You’re in college, they have a student support service. Contact them, and ask them to agree that the following coping method is worth trying. Then tell your grandma that you have told them about your difficulties with her criticisms and demands, and they have told you to refrain from seeing her or talking on the phone for 3 months. They have also told you not to discuss this with any other family members. That’s what you are going to do. Hang up. Put the phone down if she calls. Do the same with other family members who raise it with you. At the end of three months, you can try again ---if you want to. A short term fix is more workable than ‘forever’ or ‘change now', and worth a try. A short term experiment is also easier emotionally than ‘distance or not distance’.
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Caregivertis - regarding your second grandmother who is a piece of work herself, I suggest you stop helping her. Verbal abuse is mental abuse. Overtime, that mental abuse will affect your in a very negative way.

Tell her: "Grandma, you're right to say that I am a failure just like my mother, so now I am going to live up to your assessment of me." Then click, hang up. Don't show up to help her anymore. She takes your help for granted. Let her be without it so she may know what good thing she had and didn't value.

If your dad asks why you don't help grandma, tell him: "she is verbally and mentally abusing me. I won't stand for that. I am staying away to protect myself."

I am impressed of how strong you are at 20 y.o.. being able to say no, and setting your own boundaries. I don't think I was as confident when I was your age.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
Thank you for your kind words of support.

It's a tough situation emotionally either way -- whether I distance or don't distance myself. The second grandmother says she's not responsible for her actions. It's our actions or things not going right that make her say these things. But if she's not responsible, then who is? I think I am starting to realize that now. She says she loves us, maybe she does, but I don't think this is love. I don't want to start my adulthood with all of this negativity and put-downs.
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If she's at the hospital, you can be the button pusher to call the nurse to come and help her. Then you're not a caregiver, instead an observer/get help when needed person. If no one comes, you push the button again. You step outside the door and get the attention of those who earn their living taking care of others.

Caregiving is not a woman's role. It's a 'person' role - anyone can do it, not everyone will do it. I had furry/feathered children and never changed a diaper or cleaned a rear end in my life, but when no one else was there to do it - I did what I had to do. As for either of my grandparents, I would have jumped into the septic tank if it meant I was helping them. Especially my father's mother - and she was the 'speak her mind' type that could hit the nerve sometimes. I saw her do heavy duty men's work throughout her life. I wanted to be, and am, a strong woman like she was. I would have NEVER told her no about anything. I would never have taken a dollar from her for any tasks I did for her (but that was more common back then - you did things out of respect not for money). Same for my parents - if they needed something, I would have figured out a way to get it done.

Maybe there is a reason they asked you. No one available on a certain night? Are you willing to spend a night in a room with someone and push a call button if the person needs help? If so, do it for one or two nights. You and g'ma may have had issues in the past, but maybe a night with her could create or develop a new relationship. On the other hand, if you can't stand to be in the same room with her - this attitude will show and probably won't resolve any past issues. You can just say no, tell your parent and uncle no and have no other communication with any of the family about it. You don't need to go in to long details about how you don't like body functions. Just the word no. They will find someone else or pay a service to sit with g'ma if they know you are not going to show up.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
The only grandparent I ever had a close relationship with as a child was my paternal grandfather, and he normally never had to even ask for my help (non-personal hygiene tasks of course). I really shouldn't have been asked about the first grandmother (his wife, with whom I was not close at all) and for the second grandmother to demand that I be agreeable to helping her in the bathroom when she gets older just made me feel very uneasy and violated boundaries, given that she is demanding help with a very intimate task. I've driven her to stores before (again, not that I need to, she has a home health aide, has a driver's license, is capable of driving, but does not like to drive as she lived in a city for most of her life and would use public transportation) because her grocery shopping can consist of 5-7 stores, depending on the items. The first time, she told me the home health aide had a family emergency, asked me to drive her, and I felt bad, with Covid and all, so I drove her. And then, it started becoming an every week thing, She's always been very critical, and it's gotten so much worse in the past couple of years, and every single time I go to drive, in her eyes, I can't seem to do anything right. I drop by Dunkin' Donuts before to pick up a coffee she likes (out of my own pocket), bread from a specific bakery near the gym I go to that she likes, some sweets or items from Trader Joe's that she may like, and yet nothing is ever good enough. As soon as I walk through her door, she starts verbally abusing me. "You are so selfish. You don't care for me. You could only help me on Sunday, but I needed you on Friday because the store had less lines. Why did you go to the gym before coming here? If you didn't go to the gym, you could have been here much earlier" (we agree on a time to meet, I go to the gym before, then I get at least 3 calls from her, asking to push up the time because she woke up late, so I get an extra couple of gym machines in, then I get a call confirming that I am coming and that I know it's going to be later, then she tells me it's taking longer, so I go home and take a slow shower, then she calls and asks me why I am not here yet, and I remind her that she asked me to come later, and she changes her mind and tells me to come now, and I tell her that I just got out of the shower and need another 20 minutes. Then I get to her place for the agreed upon (delayed) time, and she tells me that I am selfish because I went to the gym, and if I didn't go to the gym, I would be available when she called me. And the verbal abuse does not end. It's not harmless criticism. It's if you make a wrong turn (I normally go to school out of state and may forget a road I haven't been on in a while), you're a bad human being, a failure just like my mother, I ruined my own life, and will be lucky if I get a minimum wage job when Covid ends. And consistently it continues. I have to ask her to stop several times, it will stop for 20 minutes and start up again, and then she wonders why I am no longer smiling and my face looks tense. She's like that to other people in the family, but is prim, proper, and polite around non-family. My mother happily orders stuff for her and drops it off but will not take her to any stores, and I understand why. The last time, she berated me because she didn't like the way the bread was packed in the bag I used to carry it from the bakery. It is a fine line between criticizing the action I did versus telling me I am a horrible, selfish human being. And I guess she found out about when I refused to help the other grandmother with the bathroom pre-Covid, and gave me her thoughts about it (the final straw). Honestly, every time I leave after our five hour long grocery shopping trips, I feel like I am a piece of sh*t. I don't need to pick up her literal sh*t in the future, as I am already taking her verbal excrement. I have addressed her behavior multiple times and keep insisting on my boundaries.
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So Grandma is overweight & likes the cakes. Shrug, her biz. Relatives buy her cakes when she asks, a little enabling, but shrug, their biz. CareGiverItis, you occasionally buy her cakes, again, not a big prob.

But Grandma's health, her weight, her mobility is HER business. Not yours.

Not your Dad/Uncle's either... but hey, if they wish to break their backs then that is THEIR biz (super dumb decision IMO).

I would make crystal clear to all family members going forward that people are responsoble for their OWN decisions. If Dad wreaks his back in this way - you will NOT help him.
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I also have not had a colonoscopy. My mother was 96 years old and never had a colonoscopy.

I use cologuard. The at home kit every 3 years. But my doctor already told me if the cologuard comes back positive, I’ll need to have a colonoscopy. I agreed to those conditions.
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Daughterof1930 Mar 2021
Not to hijack this discussion and make it another topic, but it’s important to know that Cologuard only detects when it’s already cancer. A colonoscopy finds issues before they are cancer. I know many people dread and have concerns about a colonoscopy, it’s actually quick and you don’t remember a thing. The prep is a hassle, but well worth finding potential problems early
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My uncle was in the hospital in Cincinnati week before last week. The hospital specifically asked me to stay with him or arrange a sitter. Vaccination was not required and I was not tested. He was on a large floor approximately beds and a family member staying in almost every room. It was the same routine as it’s always been. They do not allow any other visitors. My cousin is in a different hospital in Cincinnati. Her sister is staying with her. Covid is not being treated like a big deal in all areas. Masks and social distancing. Bars and restaurants are open with reduced seating.
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CareGiverItis, I just read your reply. I'm getting angry for you again 😡

NO-ONE should be lifting patients. Light or obese. Staff or relatives.

Hospitals have standing aides & lifting machines for this purpose. Most in fact have a 'no lift' policy & must adhere to workplace occupational health & safety laws put in place to reduce risk - to staff & patients.

I think the males in your family (Uncle or Father) need a reality check.

Yes they Care. Yes they may worry. Yes they want to help & please Grandma, reduce falls etc - all good reasons. Grandma may be unable to call for a nurse, due to confusion, language or other reasons? Again, good reasons to want to help.

But sending in relatives to lift is NOT the answer.

Tell them to use some COMMON SENSE.

If Grandma is in hospital & needs help to sit/stand/walk then her MOBILITY is the problem! They can speak to Nursing & Physio staff about that.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
Multiple doctors have spoken to her about that, but she refuses to listen and prefers junk food. She has all of her faculties and does not have dementia/Alzheimer's. She's never watched her diet for most of her life. My father continues to buy her cakes to please her (and I am not judging). That is their choice. She continues to cook unhealthy food (her choice, not judging). I don't want to anger her or my father (her weight does not affect my life as long I don't have to physically help her), and when asked, I have dropped by the store on my way to visit to pick up whatever cake or pastries she and her husband asked for or my father told me to get for them. Her hospital stays have been a result of her weight problem and eating habits. Her response was that my father will help her any way, and that if she cannot move, then he and the rest of the family will lift her. My father is not athletic and muscular. Neither am I. If my uncle thinks I should help because I am a female, this is not a good idea. My uncle and cousin, based on their weight and build, would be better suited for this.
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M Mcken,

I thought I edited before anyone could read my first thoughts... yikes...

and yes, I am freaked out about getting a colonoscopy... but i have friends, one mom recovered from cancer , and another friend needs surgery to hopefully remove all her cancer... a few inches of lower intestines need to be removed... so.. I know it's for health.. and now I am scared because I may have issues, and don't want to face them... Nowi t's about all the what if's...

Please accept my apology for my first edit.. thought i erased so nobody could see it...
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Beatty Mar 2021
Mayday, I was very nervous about a colonoscopy, but it went fine. Breezy hospital gown, knocked out for a short time then done. You'll be fine I'm sure. The prep is better I think these days? Planning to stay home (near your own toilet) on prep day is probably safer just in case though.

Having someone take you there & back is good too, if possible. After the fasting, I nearly fainted on public transport & was so vague I could hardly find the hospital, let alone the right building. Staff often insist on an escort home so no taxis. Ask about that. A smaller private clinic may be more $$ but have less waiting around than a big hospital.
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I forgot, worried in Cali brought up a huge point.. I had an aunt who was trying to recover from surgery... They left the pee tray under her for 4 hours....
I cried, I asked why she didn't try calling me... I was only a 5 minute drive from her. she didn't want to bother me... I thought I had a better relationship; with her, thinking she knew she could count on me and call my anytime... That makes me ssad.....
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So you are 20.. and grandma is in hospital. Don't they provide that service cleansing their patients? seems odd...so who has POA on her? and why is the hospital asking for assistance? Is your uncle being pushed by hospital to supply extra around the clock surveillance on his mom? Or, are they saying that they will charge more for 24/7 service? sounds like that may be the case after reading the post more clearly and the responses.

If you are a college student, covid, possibly you are in home taking classes, you can take your laptop to hospital and keep GM company.
with that being said, GM should be changed before sleep time.. Try ABRI-FORMS L4 overnight diapers. The next nursing shift should come in early to check on her. That being said, I walked onto the hospital floor and found my mother who was near the nursing station, stripped naked, fast asleep, standing and leaning over her bed.... :( the nurse saw me, and quickly escaped. I loudly protested to the station about mom's condition. Under no circumstances should anyone be left alone naked leaning over a bed asleep........
perhaps, GM may have had a bad experience and uncle is just too shy or uptight to take responsibility of his mom........maybe he doesn't have the strength to handle the delicate issues of mom....... like getting up and close and changing the diaper, making sure she doesn't get bed sores, etc.
by the way,,, I really didn't want to be a caretaker, but,,, when it comes down to it.... you do your best and pray. perhaps you can go in one day a week, and read to her.... just give her treats, read, play music,,, make happy moments... leave the caretaking and nursing to the professionals... It's ok,, just spend a few minutes once a week to smile with her, and bring flowers, brightness to her lil world. It does make a difference. If worried, make your visits short by saying you have a college essay due, and need to finish it... make an escape plan so you are not there longer than you can be. a few minutes a week is ok, especially with COVID
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MargaretMcKen Mar 2021
Mayday this is silly. For a colonoscopy, you get a very quick anesthesia which puts you out for just a few minutes. You never see or feel the lazer camera, and you go in and come out of theatre decently covered. I’m confused about whether you are complaining about OP feeling ‘grossed out’, or saying that YOU feel ‘grossed out’ about anal issues generally!
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I haven’t read all the answers, so this may be a repeat. Once you have been through the mill with a baby, you do usually harden up a bit to dealing with sh**, especially if you have the odd diarhoea issue yourself. But at 20, that doesn’t apply to you, and I don’t think you are being over-sensitive.

I’ve never encountered a hospital that doesn’t assist in-patients with toileting, so I can see no reason why your uncle should ask you to be there overnight. Perhaps your other grandma has already ‘hardened up’, and perhaps she is thinking of her own future needs. That’s her issue, not yours. There is no need to back yourself into a corner about always refusing for ever and ever (and then having to justify that), just say NO now.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
My uncle wanted to look like he was providing care for his parents but without spending too much of his time on it. I have observed this frequently and have seen my uncle and father "work together" but really it's my father doing the work. The second grandmother who called me selfish is obese too, and I doubt that I would be able to lift her. I don't why she would want a lightweight on her list of helpers. It's not safe for her or me. This was a highly rated hospital. My father has an extreme sense of reverence for the elderly and insists that someone be there the whole time to help with tasks, or if there are people there to help with tasks, to have a list of "backup" people to help with tasks.
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Wow, I am l00% on your side and have to tell you I feel the same way. You are young and should not be forced to do something that is obviously repulsive and so upsetting to you. I would simply stand my ground so they are forced to find other options. And if the two grandmothers are mean to you and are putting you down, my advice is to steer clear, especially if the relationship has never been close. Don't let anyone do this to you. Just say NO and to the extent possible, stay away from them. This is NOT your problem.
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Caregiveltis,

I find nothing offensive in your message especially since you are willing to do short visits while grandmother is in the hospital.

We are all made differently and I have 4 daughters. I promise 2 would not be able to handle the bodily stuff. They just cannot. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

If needed and you want you can offer other helpful things to participate in the family care of grandmother.

Sounds like grandmother has plenty of nursing type help.

In our present day Covid life you probably should not be visiting her. Call her and send her cards.

When my father was in the hospital I paid his regular caregiver to stay with him for most of the evening until he was asleep. Your uncle can do the same.
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I'm very confused. If she's in the hospital, the nurses should be taking care of her. Never heard that family members have to spend the night to take care of patients' bodily functions. This is really odd.
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worriedinCali Mar 2021
I would have agreed with you that it is odd but really it’s not. My mom has surgery last month and every time she pushed the button for assistance when she needed to use the bathroom, it took at least 30 minutes for someone to show up. She was labeled a fall risk and they still dragged their asses getting to her. So now I see why some family members are compelled to micromanage and prefer to be with their relative the entire hospital stay. It’s possible the OPs family has had a similar experience and want to know that grandma isn’t left waiting when she needs help. The staff is expected to address these needs but them doing it in a timely manner is another story.
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If your grandmother is in a hospital, the staff are expected to take care of her needs - especially her toileting needs. You do not need to manage those tasks. If you visit your grandmother, you should spend time socializing with her,
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
That is good advice, Taarna. You are right.
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CG, it would be a different "ask" if Uncle was suggesting that you stay with GM overnight as her advocate, i.e., to ring the bell for her and go in search of an aide if none arrived in a timely fashion.

Elderly folks don't do well in hospitals on their own, but I would never have asked my children to miss school or work to provide this sort of service. Wouldn't even occur to me

Which is why I ask if your family comes from a different culture.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
Even by our culture, this is not acceptable, as I've checked with some of my female friends, and they have never been asked to do this for their grandparents. It's expected that both the wife and husband work, but the wife does most of the housework. But when it comes to caregiving: 1. People didn't live that long and past 60 was considered old 2. At city hospitals, no visitors/family were allowed overnight, visitation rules were very strict, and healthcare was free 3. Older people were not sedentary, home health aides and private nurses unheard of, and elders would typically take care of themselves, do shopping, walk, climb stairs (albeit slower) until the end because families could not afford to hire someone or to not work or not go to school. An older teenaged (male) grandchild might be expected to help grandma carry groceries up the stairs, or maybe move heavy household equipment 4. My siblings and I grew up in the States, but in Russia, usually the grandparents would take of the household while the adult children were at work, which kept grandparents motivated and active. Unless a catastrophic accident occurs, elders wanting to lie around all day, eat, watch TV, be taken to 8 grocery stores, have their meals brought and served to them was unheard of. 5. My siblings and I lived only with our parents. The grandparents lived in separate homes but nearby. Our parents raised us and did the diapering/cooking/housework. Our grandparents were not our surrogate parents, as my parents provided for us and made sure our basic needs were met. I am very blindsided by this whole thing. 4. Usually, the adult children (parents) take care of the grandparents. Grandchildren only take care of grandparents if their parents died and the grandparents became the adoptive parents (very common post-World War II, but that was not the case with our family as all four grandparents had surviving parents and would only visit their grandparents in the villages once in a while in the summers). Adult children would try to spare grandchildren the grim aspects of life as schooling and career is considered very important for the family. 5. Our family is well-educated, from Yekaterinburg, and not from a religious community. In a lot of Russian-American communities, low-income elders have more than enough home health aide hours, outpatient nurse visits, and even use home health aides as taxi transportation to the bank or to the grandchildren's house to visit (more than enough benefits). My second grandmother (the one who told me I was selfish for not taking the first grandmother to the bathroom in a hospital) recently asked for less home health aide hours because they could not find stuff for them to do. (And she doesn't like the way the home health aide cooks, uses the vacuum, and folds the laundry). With Medicaid, they have free rides to the doctor's office and back. The grandkids aren't even necessary, IMO.
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The ones being selfish here are your family members. Next time your grandmother calls you selfish tell her "I am not being selfish. I am setting a boundary and I refused to be bullied into doing something that makes me uncomfortable and physically ill. You are the selfish one for expecting me to want to do this".

Toileting is where I draw the line and I am 53. The last few holidays I had my father over I was shocked when he expected/needed my help in the bathroom. The problem was, it was now a two-man job. Someone had to hold/keep him steady while another person took down his pants. I felt awful asking my 25 year old son to do the steadying part while I was mortified doing what I had to do. By 2020 I realized that having my father over for the holiday may be off the table due to this. Covid delayed me having to make that choice at Easter.

Some people can do this without batting an eye...I'm not one of those people and neither are you. Nothing wrong with that.
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CareGiverItis Mar 2021
If I may ask, how did your 25-year-old son react or deal with helping the grandfather?
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Echoing everyone else here... no, you are not being selfish or a bad granddaughter. It is your family that is uncaring. Funny how you're fussed at for not wanting to do this, but they're not willing to step up themselves. And if she's in a hospital, there is staff to do that. It's odd of them to even ask you, really.

Your boundaries were indeed violated and really, they're flat out insulting you. It implies that your time and work is much less valuable than theirs. Since you're young, single and no kids, it's assumed you have all the time in the world for whatever they want you to do. When you refuse, they respond with what a selfish, uncaring person you are!

The other grandma can say what she wants. Like you said, she's making you feel bad because she expects you to step in for her when she needs it. As for being a bad granddaughter, they should understand that a good grandmother doesn't treat her granddaughter terribly and then expect devotion and love when she's shown very little to you. She's had 20 years to be a loving grandma to you, and she chose not to be.

Could even frame it as "Well, I don't think grandma likes having me around and I'd hate to upset her."
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Just tell Uncle that you are sorry but you cannot possibly do that.
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The hospital staff is there to help the patient in the bathroom. Period. Which is part of what the ridiculously high rates are being charged for. Grandma pushes her Call button, asks for help toileting, and that's the end of that.
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The last thing you need is judgment from this site.

You are still a kid in many ways. I know that at 20, I could NOT have changed my grandmother's diapers.

By age 40, yep, I'd have dived right in there. And did.

The difference is 5 babies and having a level of maturity that only time can bring.

Cleaned up after FIL when he'd have blowouts and DH was busy barfing his guts out in the 2nd bathroom. Yep, it was gross, but I'd glove up and do my best.

At 20, you still have a lot of growing up to do. Currently, this is not something you're capable of doing. Say "no, I can't do this" and walk away. And people will try to guilt you, but there's nothing to be guilty ABOUT.
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Your boundaries are yours. I think it is great that you are setting them up now. So many people don’t and then have to deal with trying to do it later. Stay strong and say no if you are uncomfortable. I am uncomfortable with others bodily functions too!
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Please ignore anyone on this forum or elsewhere that is trying to lay a heavy ‘guilt trip’ on you!

You are her granddaughter. You aren’t your grandmother’s nurse.
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