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Depressed and confused about what to do, if anything. I wish I were dead but don’t believe suicide is offered by God.

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It would be nice to know why you were placed in NH. Just having the ability to find this forum and post here shows you are OK cognitively. So there are other health issues that you were placed for. You have to be considered 24/7 care and therevisca reason why you could not be cared for at home.

1. You expect your wife to do the caring and she physically can't.

2. You can't afford to pay aides to come into the home. Because of that, you were placed to get the care you need with Medicaid paying.

3. Your wife has health problems of her own and not capable of caring for you.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Phil77, welcome to the forum. When you get a chance, please fill out your Profile page as that will give us a better understanding of your situation.


Please note, that up to 40% of family caregivers will die, leaving behind the love one they were caring. Those are not good odds. Some will wind up with serious illnesses due to the pure exhaustion and stress of being a caregiver.


It could be possible that your wife had placed you in a senior facility to save her own life? Sounds like your wife wants to be around to help you navigate your life's journey, so you wouldn't have to do it on your own.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Phil, were I you, I would commit yourself to acting like you’re making the best of it for at least one or two weeks. There’s really nothing to lose with this experiment.

Try the activities. There is usually at least chair yoga, which is a form of exercise. As far as meals, sit with those who have similar conversational ability. You’re not the only one in a nh who still has your capacity, so find a peer group.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Op, depression and even wishing to be dead are common with age and decline, especially if it ends in one of you having to go to a home.

You are angry and frustrated, yes, but you don’t sound insane. It is, as Alva said, all about the new challenge of trying to make the best of it instead of committing to being miserable.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Op, if you are of sound mind chances are that you could force a discharge. After all, facilities are not prison. You may divorce her to get your half of the assets to spend on whatever living and caregiving arrangement you wish, but you can’t force her to take care of you.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Whatever your medical problems are , you must need a level of care not sustainably provided at home. Perhaps you are not able to remember that . You say you are confused .

My own sister recently placed with dementia is feeling the same way since her son placed her . Only a few months ago she was aware of her cognitive issues getting worse and admitted she may have to go to a facility. Now she has no idea why she is there and texts everyday that she’s “ too young to be put away “ .

Adjusting to this change is hard for you .
Ask for an antidepressant . Try to remember that your medical problems are why you are there and your wife did not cause them .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Did you appoint your wife as your POA knowing she'd do the right thing for you, and keep your best interest in mind? Or are you suggesting your wife has tried to punish you for being too ill for her to care for at home any more? Surely your intent is not to make HER sick or immobilized with an injury from trying to take care of you??

Old age and infirmity is hard for all of us. Speak to your doctor about antidepressants to help you cope with yours. I wish you the best.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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"Feeling like I was kicked out of the house - 'justified because in a way you were'.
'Deserving to be kicked out of the house' - possibly justified too.

Your wife can be a big part of you doing well in the NH. She can visit, keep you in touch with the outside world, and monitor the care that you are getting to make sure that it's as good as possible. To make that work, it might help if you thanked her for her care at home, now that you may have some idea how much is involved for a whole team of people paid to work around the clock. Resenting your wife and the decision to place you, is unlikely to work in your favor.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Your feelings are justified, 'cause in a way you were.
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Reply to cover9339
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Daughterof1930 Nov 1, 2024
Perhaps you’d like to inquire about how the wife in the situation came to her decision, maybe think of her heartache, her concern, her worry, her burnout, her own health and wellness? Nope, no compassion there
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If you were admitted to a NH you must need a lot of care. It sounds that your wife was doing it. Did you notice how much work she was doing for you? Did she seem exhausted? Did you talk with her about HER problems? Did she try to ‘involve’ you in solutions? If so, how did you react? Was she ‘depressed and confused’ about what to do?

Thinking through these questions might help you to decide to make the best of the situation now.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Your wife obviously felt like she had no other choice but to have you placed where you would receive the care you now require and she can get back to being your loving wife and advocate and not your burned out caregiver.
You don't tell us what your health issues are, but I can only guess they are many, so don't blame your wife for deciding what was best for the both of you, as your wife DOES matter in this situation as well.
Perhaps you need to talk to your doctor about going on some kind of anti-depressant to help you while you get adjusted to your new home, and hopefully in time you'll be able to accept what your wife had to do for you to get the care you now require.
God bless you.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Must admit-even Had my spouse discussed my entering a Care Facility, & went ahead with it, even Then , I'd feel too, like I was "kicked out" , especially if the spouse is continuing on in the home you both had shared.
Obviously , you're of enough sound mind to communicate and online-no less-your feelings and thoughts about the drastic change in you Life. So-am wondering what it was that caused your wife to go about admitting you to the facility ?
You may imagine even ulterior motives, or her living at Home now , continuing happily On , particularly with Out your presence. You may imagine All kinds of things about it., and that Your left on the Losin End.
Could you make a List, though, instead, about what benefits You now have over the life she continues leading at Home? Are there more enjoyable activities provided, and so closeby ? Are you feeling any kinship with other residents, or finding some empathy from staff members? Are you making friends? Being fed well? Less concerned about any household work , chores, or daily tasks, with more time to enjoy to yourself, or with others , always so handy for companionship, games, activities, etc.?
Should your wife be older she may still be experiencing the Opposite of all that . Much of her time may be taken up over caring for Herself, Home , or any others needing assistance. She may find no time or energy left to make new friends, while old friends fall away. She may have Family who also disagreed about moving you and now resent her .
You can imagine all kinds of things -for better or worse-about her. As her old life continues, she may even have regret over her decision to move you out. She may be left all alone and resent it.
YOU have a NEW life to live-a Clean Slate . Think of everyday as a NEW day .
No matter where or how we are living as Seniors, we all have to get Creative and keep the Faith in all possibilities! Should you be angry at your wife -turn it around. If you see her again -TRY to portray your Life as a happy one , and elaborate about your new friends and activities you are enjoying and all your plans . You have more Time now to do things she'll struggle to do-join or start a bookclub, a gardening club, a chess club , or easier than that-a Film Club, a light cooking club.
WE knew someone who decades after living with her Family , was moved into a Senior Care Ctr.. At first the adjustment was hard, but eventually she was declaring she was really Happy & wondered Why hadn't she moved there Years ago"?
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Reply to b8ted2sink
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I'm so sorry for your situation. Is it possible your wife was burnt out and exhausted from providing your care because it was more than she was able to handle on an ongoing basis? Have you needed help for a while now? A lot depends on how old one is, what the care receiver's needs are and whether the caregiver also has their own health/mobility/cognitive issues.

If you can tell us how old you are and why you think you were transitioned to a facility, more info would be very helpful. More info about your wife would also help.
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Reply to Geaton777
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To be placed in a NH it had to be determined you were 24/7 care, especially if Medicaid is paying.

How old are you and what do you suffer from.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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It is as I said to my brother when he said (quite honestly) that he wished he was dead: "It isn't something we have control over; let's look at things we do".

Phil, I am sorry this wasn't discussed with you. But I am wondering also if perhaps it was discussed, and you may not have a clear memory of it.
Can you tell us a bit about yourself?
What necessitates your being in care now?
Are there physical problems in mobility and getting around?
Have you become forgetful?

Whatever the circumstances, it is apparently your doctors and your care facility thinks that care is needed here. This was the case with my brother though he was good enough to go out and walk about the grounds, cut flowers, straighten up in his room, go for games and movies, and etc.

Can you tell us if you are in memory care or rather in Assisted Living?
Do you have your own room with some of your own things?
Is the food decent?
Have you made any friends?

I am wishing you the best. I am sorry for your circumstances. My brother's favorite thing said to me was this: "You know hon, it is a bit like when I was young man in the Army. I didn't much like it, but I make the best of it, and he DID".
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Do you have a dementia diagnosis? How old are you?
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