my daughter in law and son asked if I would move in with them for the next two years to watch grandson while they work,I am 65 and active and healthy ,my concern is I am independent and use to being by myself,I have help with my grandson when he was born tell he was 3 months old,he is 15 months now,and close to me cause I visit weekends,my son and his wife does not want a stranger taking care of him this young,is it normal for me to feel nervous about giving up my apt for two years?
My Mom moved to my state when my first son was born. She lived with us briefly until she found a house (long story short she bought the house right next to ours). I'm glad she didn't live with us but she was close enough and my 3 sons are so close to their Nonna because she was there every day.
Is it possible for you to get an apartment close by? I'm 65 and in good health but I can't imagine caring for a 15-month old and being "on call" and therefore not having a life. Your daughter and SIL may think that you living with them is a good idea but once they lose their privacy, maybe they'll change their minds. And what if you change your mind about this arrangement -- you'll have no place to go for who knows how long.
Yes, you should be nervous about moving in with them. Find another living arrangement but do spend the time with your grandson because they grow up faster than your own kids.
How wonderful to be such a trusted Grandparent & child-carer! But... any fulltime caregiver can get burnt out. Either caring for children, adults with special needs, for elders.
Caregiving works best when it works for EVERYONE in the team.
How far is your apartment? Even if driving & arriving for *work* everyday (or say 3 days a week) may be hard - it would be so nice to *knock-off* & go home, back to your own space. Thoughts?
If you are nervous about giving up your own space then I would not .
If you are willing to be the nanny, can you get your own apartment near them ? Perhaps your son and daughter in law pay your rent . You would be saving them a ton in childcare costs . Or were they going to pay you for giving up your free time ?
Why do they want you to live there 24/7?
Just because your son and daughter-in-law don't want to have to pay the high cost of childcare, doesn't mean that you should have to give up your life to save them money.
At 65, you've now earned the right to do what you want, if you want and when you want.
I know you love your grandson very much, but he and his care are not your responsibility.
So keep living and enjoying your life and visit your grandson when you have time, but I would not advise moving in with your son and family.
There may be "mission creep", where you get "assumed" into doing other tasks, such as grocery shopping, food prep, laundry, cleaning... especially if your D and SIL are not neat housekeepers.
When my Mom started caring for my sons, she eventually also started cleaning, grocery shopping, food prep, cooking and carpooling. She did it because she likes to keep busy but I started to pay her because I wanted her to know how much we valued her contribution.
You can consider splitting the difference with your D and SIL and ask them to pay for a closer apartment. That would still be less expensive than daycare.
Will you be expected to also cook, clean, shop and do all the other things around the house?
I just did a quick search and in my area a Nanny will get paid almost $25.00 per hour.
Another quick search tells me that Nanny does not do a lot of other household chores so if they expect you to do the cleaning add the hourly rate of a housekeeper to your list and that is about $15 to 20 per hour.
So round it and I figure $40.00 per hour.
(Depending on where you live these figures could be very low.)
Your room and board should not be counted as pay.
And what happens after 2 years and they want you to continue being the before and after school child care person?
When do you get to do what you want?
You are giving up a lot of your time.
Are there things you want to do before you can no longer do the strenuous activities and trips that you might want to do?
And one more question..
Are you currently retired? If not will quitting your job hider your retirement income later?
Personally I would do occasional baby sitting but I do not think I would want to do this full time. Keeping up with a youngster is exhausting.
Based on what I've seen, I don't think you should do this. The kids get sick with colds and flu, you will get sick with colds and flu. And who's going to take care of YOU? You may have to take them to the doctor, which is a waiting room full of sick kids. They'll need to eat, so you're endlessly making sandwiches and pouring cereal. They want play dates, so you've got your grandkids and their best friends too. You're picking up their toys, chasing them around the yard, turning down social events with your friends, too tired at the end of the day to even eat your own dinner - but then you've got to go back to their house because the mom and dad are going out to dinner and will be home late.
Grandkids are great - until they aren't. Raising kids is a full time job, and it's their parents' responsibility, not yours. A little help now and then is fine. And yes, I'm a proud grandparent with lots to contribute, but it's not mandatory that I do the scut work.
Being a Nanny is messy already. Normally a Nanny does it YOUR WAY, that is the way the parents dictate. I am thinking melding Granny with Nanny would be (for me anyway) a nightmare.
And "active and healthy"? Oh, yeah. YOU remember what being with a little one is, right?
You will be active for sure, and better be healthy.
Were it me and I was even going to consider it I would do it in my OWN home and they would bring and pick up the child daily. Otherwise you are 24/7.
I cannot, to be honest, imagine anyone even considering this. So this gets a big "no" vote from me. But your life is your own. My advice for sure, don't give up where you sleep. Because giving notice will be complicated by that.
Good luck.
I was lucky, my DD lived 4 doors down. They dropped my grandson off in the morning and picked him up after work. I had my nights and weekends. My SIL also babysits her grands. She lives close enough to go to their house. She gets them up and ready for the day bringing them back to her house later where they are picked up. And we both charged our kids to do the care. My niece lost her babysitter. SIL was working at a job she did not like so a deal was made. Since my brother had retired and had Medicare SIL, 61, would need insurance if she quit her job. Niece pays for that and a little more. Me, I charged $100 a week and put the money in an acct. My DD can't save. I had him till 20 months and he went to Nursery School. When he was 5, they wanted to take him to Universal. The money I made was used for all of us to go.
I babysat both my grandsons. My oldest till he was 3. I think it made a special bond with both my grandsons.
I see old women in the street with baby buggies all the time. Latest statistics show that if you have two children in the USA your child care costs you more than your mortgage or your rental. I honestly don't know why women are working unless to get away from the kids! A woman who did child care was on the same CNN program saying all SHE has to go through. A nightmare really of unhappy parents, of all hours, of sick kids, of insurance that's almost unaffordable.
YIKES is all I can say.
It's one thing for a grandma to help out when already living nearby, quite another to expect someone who has their own enjoyable home life to give it up. Frankly your grandchild will be off to nursery school soon enough with all kinds of strangers taking care of him, so my feeling is that the whole 'I don't want strangers taking care of him' is just cover for what they really want, which is child care on the cheap that requires no effort on their part.
Then have a good sit down chat your Son & DIL.
Find out exactly what they need & what they are hoping/expectating from you.
Consider what you expect. What you need.
Issues like;
* how many days?
* hours eg full 7am to 7pm?
* just babycare?
* or laundry, housekeeping & meal prep for the returning adults
* weekends?
JoAnn raised weekends & I am glad she did.
A weekday nanny has weekends off. If a live-in.. ? This is why you REALLY need to check what their expectations are.
Having that first baby is a total life-changer.
Fact: Their pre-baby life no longer exists.
While super exciting & joyful this massive change can also bring grief & need adjustment time.
Adults working fulltime still have plenty of free time & the shock from freedom to responsobility is real. Hitting the gym, sport clubs, book clubs, hanging out socialising with friends all weekend.. All life doesn't have to stop with a baby but it must change. Often one parent is on babycare, the other out doing errands. No more club nights out together to 3am!
I'm sure many know of couples that wanted to keep up their previous life & live like a Royal. Wanted a Nanny/Granny to cook, clean & bring the child up while they partied on. I know one that has been a stay-at home for years yet still wants other people to be the school pickup multi days a week.
What's the vibe on this couple?
Will it be an honest deal?
When I interviewed for nanny jobs I asked specifically what they expected , as well as told them what I was willing to do .
Mission creep can happen . I am not a housekeeper , I am a nanny . I take care of the children , bathe, dress, feed will do the child’s laundry , bedding , food prep for the child . Clean up as I go in the kitchen , counters , sweep , clean up from food prep . Clean high chair . Clean up toys .
I do not meal prep or start dinner for the parents . Nor do I scrub bathrooms , do parents laundry or clean up after the parents.
I take care of the child’s needs and I clean up after the child . That is all .
For this reason I would not be a live in .
I would want to go back home to my own apartment each day after the babysitting and recharge .
I remember arriving with Jenny in her carry cot, in the lobby next to a four year old with his mother. The child looked into the cot I was carrying, and said to his M “That’s Jenny”. Didn’t look at me at all. I think it was the first time it really came home to me that Jenny was already a separate person with her own relationships. So are you - don't give up your own life for 'possessiveness' like this. It can go wrong in so many ways.
I am a retired nurse , but I work as a part time nanny since just before Covid .
I love being with the little ones . In fact when my first family outgrew a nanny and sent the boys to preschool , I grieved . When I began I did not expect to get so attached .
I had gotten attached to those boys and them to me. The family still has me come every so often to see the boys for date nights , school days off , etc . The Mom put pictures of me in their baby books . She said I was a very large part of the lives of those boys for 3 years 4-5 days a week , she wanted pictures for them to remember me .
But me being older and not their parent I was happy to come home each night to my house free of diapers , toys , bibs , high chairs etc .
My current work family is expecting child number 2 . I have scaled back to 20 or so hours a week over 2-3 days. I will see these children through until they start preschool and then I may retire , or I could possibly be babysitting a grandchild by then .
Then daughter had another kid two years after the second one - more exhaustion for her mom. Don't ask me where the husband was but judging from all the babies, he must have been around some of the time! The poor mom was 75 and had no life of her own at all. She looked very haggard and felt totally trapped. Then three years after the third kid, daughter had another one! That's when I lost track of the story, and it's just as well. To me that was taking advantage of a good thing to the max and then some.
I know a daughter who tried to take complete advantage of her mom. Her mom had to tell her that it wasn’t working out and to hire someone to take care of her grandson.
I have also seen it go wrong with the mom not respecting her daughter and spoiling her granddaughter horribly. The child became confused by the different personalities.
It would never have even occurred to me to ask either of them to be a full time nanny.
I had great sitters that I used. If for some reason the sitters couldn’t sit for me, my mom and mother in law were happy to fill in.
I would have felt as if I was taking advantage of my mom and mother in law, if I would have asked them to babysit on a full time basis.
I don’t have any grandchildren.
If I am blessed with grandchildren in the future and my children asked me to be a full time sitter, I would tell them that I raised my family already.
Plus, I took care of my mom! No more caregiving, not even for grandchildren.
I would also tell them that I did not ask their grandparents to be full time sitters to them because I wanted them to remain being “grandma.” I would want to remain being ‘grandma.’
I would adore being a grandma but I wouldn’t have any interest in being full time sitter. I certainly wouldn’t give up my own private space to babysit.
They could ask me to sit for them to go out to dinner. They could even ask me if their kids could occasionally spend a weekend with me for them to go out of town.
I would have loads of fun with them but would be happy to be able to give them back to their parents!
My advice for you is to remain being ‘granny.’ They can hire a sitter. Being a granny is wonderful. Being a full time nanny is work!
If you want to be a nanny, great! Do it for someone else’s kids, not your grandkids.
Don’t complicate things or risk your relationship with your children. You may find out that you don’t have the same parenting style as they have.
Good luck with deciding what you want to do. Enjoy your precious grandchildren!
What else is expected? House cleaning? Dinner? Dishes? Laundry?
When do YOU get a break?
When exactly does pre-school start? Then you go home and the child cries for you?
I would think working parents would plan better. Child care is expensive until they are out of diapers. I wouldn't do it. You can babysit weekends, fun stuff.
Three is a crowd.
Yes, I would be nervous. I don't think the evenings and weekends will be free time for you if you move in. You'll lose your independence and your privacy. You will be far too convenient to have around and may give up much more of your life than if you stayed in your own place.
If you want to do this for them, have them drop off and you watch them during work hours like they say is their intention.
My family always chooses family when the little ones are involved. We know that nobody will take care and instill the same values as family does.
I say, have a blast and keep your boundaries, this is memory making time with that grand baby and you will have so much fun.
I cherish the memories and photos of my 1st grand daughter being my little secretary, we own our own business and I was happy to have her around when mom was in school or working and I know she was happy to be with Nana and Papa and mom didn't have to worry. Win-win-win!
Praying that this is the best season of your family's life, and that it only gets better from there.