My mom has dementia and lives in memory care. Recently she met another man while at an event in the community. This man lives in the assisted living side of the community. She says he works and has his own car. As her guardian, she gave him my phone number so he can get permission to take her out on a date. He has called and left me a message, but I haven't talked to him yet. I also haven't called the facility because I'm trying to determine the best way to go about it. Today she let me know that he surprised my mom by paying for a haircut and color at the onsite salon. I thought it was very sweet, but I am also concerned with where this will all lead. My mom is a very sneaky woman and has a history of trying to escape the facilities she has been at and being hypersexual. She has already made comments about wanting to have sex with this man. Because of this, I'm not comfortable with him being able to take her out of the community to go on a date. I wouldn't mind if they communicated and spent time with each other on-site. However, can I put boundaries on where they can go? The community is fairly large and the assisted living apartments are not in the main building where she lives. I don't want to stop her from having somewhat of a life but I'm very nervous that she will try to talk him into taking her out even when it is not allowed or get into trouble. Has anyone dealt with this? Any advice on the best way to handle this situation?

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All factors considered, I'd say no to allowing your mom outside of the premises on a date with this man. Being that her dementia renders her hypersexual, as you said, this sounds like a recipe for disaster. And what is a man from AL doing wanting to date a resident from Memory Care??? Highly suspicious in my opinion. If they both lived in Memory Care and wanted to spend time together, that would feel better to me than this fish story. I'd tell this man to get lost and then alert the staff that he is NOT to take your mother off the grounds nor is he to pay for any further services on her behalf. That feels CREEPY to me 😑
Helpful Answer (15)
Reply to lealonnie1
sp19690 Jan 21, 2023
Damn straight. Sounds like the old man was and still is a sexual predator.
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Memory Care is locked, on both sides.

Why is this man even allowed to get into the MC?

If someone is in MC, they cannot give legal consent. And, since she is not competent to give consent, you should not give consent, either. Your job is to look out for her welfare.
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Reply to cxmoody
sp19690 Jan 21, 2023
Thank you.
JennMc, it is not unusual for a person who has dementia to make up stories. I would arrange a meeting with the Adm Staff to gather more information regarding this man. Find out who he really is. He could be an innocent employee that your Mom has a crush on. Or not so innocent.

One thing that caught my eye was when you wrote "She says he works and has his own car." Really now, why would an able bodied person who works and still drive need to live in Assisted Living? That doesn't add up.
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Reply to freqflyer
lealonnie1 Jan 22, 2023
My thoughts exactly! He works and drives but lives in AL???
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In my opinion the man is a predator. She should not be allowed to go out of memory care with this man. Obviously she is not capable of consent with this man due to dementia. If she was in assisted living and not memory care it would be a differnt story.
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Reply to sp19690

This is very strange! The woman is in memory care, but yet is able to give this man a phone number to call the OP? And mom is able to tell OP that this man bought her a haircut and style and color?

Why is mom in memory care? And are you really a guardian? Something does not add up. Your profile says mom lives with you? What is the story?
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Reply to gladimhere

This is a first for me, a memory care person being able to go out of the home with someone in AL?

My step-mother is in MC, she is in lock down, and she is a runner.

You need to have a conversation with the admin of the home.

There is something fishy here, does not compute.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to MeDolly

I would find a new facility for my mom immediately. I wouldn't put up with that crap. If your mother in in a MC facility, I would assume it is because she doesn't have the mental capacity to take care of herself. For damn sure that includes being in a relationship with a man she met at an event. Our neighbor asked me if it was ok for him to call my mom and talk to her on a regular basis. I said sure. Then when he moved, he asked me if he could take her and show her his new home. I said sure, as long as I accompany you! He got the message instantly and stopped calling. IMO, a man that is that interested in a woman with full blown dementia is screwed up somehow. It is worth noting that the old man that wanted to take my mom to his house retired from being a Realty appraiser and the value of my mom's house is HIGH. I smelled a RAT.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to dewboy

If I were you, I wouldn't even consider giving her permission to "date" this man. I have a friend who is a nurse in an assisted living facility and she tells me about various male predators who take advantage of women they meet there. Your mother is in memory care because she needs care and protection, and this is the time to protect her.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to craftslady1

Your mom is not in her right mind and can no longer make decisions that are in her best interest. If she could, you would not be her guardian. No, I don't think she should be able to leave the memory care unit with a man. He can go into memory care to visit her, but I would tell the facility that he does not have permission to leave with her.

He obviously has issues of his own, otherwise what dialog and interaction could he possibly be having with someone who is advanced enough in their dementia to be in memory care.

Let them be friends and let them visit each other in memory care.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Jamesj
TouchMatters Jan 30, 2023
This man has issues - as you say. He is in assisted living and likely has some physical disability / disabilities. Perhaps he had a stroke. We do not know. This doesn't make him a villian.

* Yes and No. I, too, am alarmed as daughter's mom is in memory care. although she was able to give his man her daughter's phone number to call to ask if okay to go out ... so she has a lot more cognitive ability than some / most in memory care. This is a very high level of functioning for someone in a memory care unit (from my experience).

This isn't an easy answer to a complicated sensitive issue as people, with dementia, age. It is really sort of heartbreaking in many ways. Gena
I think this depends on a few things…how incapacitated is mom mentally? Obviously she is not that far gone if she can remember phone numbers, obviously remembers daughter and her guardianship , etc. so just because she isn’t able to live on her own ..perhaps leaving stove on and forgetting to lock doors and unable to manage her money doesn’t mean she is incompetant completely. As for the man, don’t condemn him before you meet him. Talk to him alone and also observe with your mother. How does he treat her? Is he just a sweet lonely old man , perhaps who has been married but lost his wife and now is lost being on his own? Perhaps he merely wants companionship …and mom meets this need. I am doubtful that the facility puts the MC folks in bright orange jumpsuits or hangs a sign on them indicating their deficits so he may not have realized her issues on first meeting. My dad had dementia but when out and about could fool people ..even doctors. He always had interesting stories to tell. Unfortunately he also loved to leave our side when out and talk to strangers , luckily most I don’t think noticed other than that he had no social awareness so would keep up a conversation long after the people wanted to get away! I always felt like I should have printed cards to hand them explaining his dementia and apologizing if he was bothering them and thanking them for their patience. We mostly had good experiences with that , except for one woman at a mall that insisted that Security detain him when he spoke to her and her young daughter. Anyway, perhaps your mother can still be charming as well. So, meet with him and see what he is about ..explain your concerns and go from there. Can keep them “on campus” ..he could order a meal delivered or if it’s a place with a cafe or the like treat her there. It could be that they can enjoy time with each other and share some happiness in their late years. I surely wouldn’t just move her to a new place which could be jarring to her. If indeed this guy is creepy and you get bad vibes then you can bar his visits ..which would also likely mean that your mom will be disallowed from going to the mutual events.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Mymomsthebest
BurntCaregiver Jan 30, 2023

The OP's mother is far gone enough that she cannot live in the assisted living area of the facility and had to be put into the memory care residence.
If the mother enjoys this man's company she should be allowed to see him and spend time with him.
At the memory care residence and under the supervision of the memory care staff. They can spend time together in the common areas of the memory care only. Nowhere private or even semi-private.
The mother has dementia and is also hyper-sexual. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
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