My mother has dementia, has had it for 5 years. The last 1/2 year has been tuff. Tonight we got into again. I take care of her all day long and it takes one little thing to set her off and I'm a butt hole. I have about had it with her. I love her but I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm retired have been for 2-1/2 years never been married should be able to pick up and go when ever I like, but can't because I can't leave mom alone any more. Sister comes over and helps once in while that's some relief but not much. Then when I talk about a retirement home mom say's you are not putting me there so I don't know what to do anymore but I'm about to the end of my rope.
Do you care for mom in your home, or hers?
Have you gotten a "needs assessment" from the local Area Agency on Aging?
When mom goes off, can you get up and leave the room? Take a walk outside?
Uultimately, you cannot be made to care for your mother. You can leave if you are in her home. If you decide to do that, you should report to Adult Protective Services that she is a vulnerable adult in need of care.
Caregiving is very hard, and unless you've been there, done that, people just don't understand. I'm sure that if your mom was in her right mind she wouldn't want you to give up your life to take care of her. Because I am the full-time caregiver for my husband who has vascular dementia and many other health issues, I have told both of my children that I NEVER want them to have to take care of me the way I have for my husband, and to please just find the nicest place to put me in when the time comes.
Wishing you peace, rest and joy.
I will tell you this, with 100% certainty: My mother is beautifully cared for in the ALF where she's lived for the past year (she's been in Assisted Living since 2014) and she would have died LONG AGO if not for that care. Why? Because there are teams of people to care for the elderly 24/7. She's had pneumonia 3x already, it's been caught early and treated; all sorts of things. She's wheelchair bound so the doc comes to see HER over THERE, and so does the dentist, the xray people, all of it. She's fed 3 hot meals a day and 3 snacks, entertained and amused, and gets to interact daily with peers her own age. She has a beautiful room in a beautiful place with beautiful gardens she can wheel herself around in. People who demonize such ALFs have no idea how wonderful they can truly BE. Stop catering to your mother's every whim and start looking into Memory Care for her, before you lose yourself entirely, for no good reason.
Check out this thread on the subject for some insight on the subject:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/when-is-it-okay-to-surrender-454361.htm?orderby=recent
Do something good for YOU in the coming days, ok? We tend to get SO caught up in the care for others that we neglect OUR needs entirely. And then wind up sick and half dead ourselves. We are ALL God's children, not just the elderly, so please don't forget that we all deserve to be treated well.
I don't know if you live with your Mom or if your Mom lives with you. You don't say if your mother has dementia, or what sorts of assets she has moving forward for her own care. We honestly need a little more information.