I'm currently caretaking my remaining parent who has Alzheimer's, am the only one able to do so as my siblings are disabled and live far away. Am sandwiched between caretaking and keeping up with other responsibilities (work, medical appointments for my parent, my husband and I plus keeping in touch with my adult kids and grandkids, now great-grandbabies also, they all live far away) though not doing a great job of that because my first attention is always to my parent. My home and garage is overwhelmed with clutter now and I can't seem to make much progress, it gets worse if I take personal time off. It's not anything remotely close to the hoarder shows on TV but I sure don't want it to get like that so am desperate for help! I am starting to think that I need psychological support to accomplish what needs to be done, I feel overwhelmed and incapable. Storage units are full. My remaining parent has three large storage units full of their belongings and furniture, does not want to get rid of any of it of course - she thinks she will be going home and freaks out if I even mention consolidating them into fewer units. It is costing our parent a lot every month but I don't think legally I can sell or donate any of it for her without her permission. Though they physically can't help me and even though it is costing $$ to store our parent's things, my siblings also don't want me to do anything with it all, they don't care if it mines our parent’s finances. I feel like I'm drowning, need to get rid of so much of my own stuff and what I previously inherited, though so many of those things are sentimental to me. For the last few years I've hired a professional organizer to come help for a couple of days, that was all I could afford but it helped a little, just need so much more help. I wish I could afford someone to come in and help me daily to make progress. Guess I'm just venting but if anyone knows of low cost assistance that could help me, I'd really appreciate it.
Some ideas:
Pick a day or weekend to have this parents' grand and great grand kids come and pick out things they'd like to keep from the storage places and your garage. This goes for your siblings, too. You tell them to come with a large vehicle or trailer. You don't second guess yourself or anything they take. Just let it go. Anything they don't take will either be part of an "open" garage sale and after that, leftovers will be donated to charity.
You just pick a date and if people can't make it, so too bad. If they really want something they'll find a way to get there. The idea is for others to do the decision-making and clearing out of stuff and for you to do as little as possible. If they live far away, oh well. Then make sure to cancel the payments on the storage garages.
We had an "open" garage sale when my MIL went into AL. She had a lot of piddley junk that we didn't want to have to clean, fix or price so we advertised it as a charitable garages sale with all procedes going to MIL's ongoing care (which it did). We told people they could name their prices. Most people were very generous. We didn't even have change, to make it simpler we just had them "buy" more stuff if it was less than $1. It was a huge success for a minimum amount of work.
Any sibling that gives you grief over clearing out your garage and downsizing should be told to come get the stuff themselves right now. They can have it, they just need to get it on your terms, in your timeline. Say it with a smile. Then don't back down.
If they want the stuff in the storage lockers then they need to move it to ones they will lease and pay for. I've discovered that my kids do not want my very nice stuff that I've been hanging on to. So, make money on it now to help with your parent's care.
Also consider that if you're feeling shakey and overwhelmed, maybe you are entering burnout and need to consider a facility for your LO. It's not a moral failure. A failure would be you not recognizing your own needs, and understanding that if you burn out then who will take care of you and your LO? Don't allow yourself to burn out. You don't have to be the care solution.
I wish you success in figure out what's best for you.
Once it becomes overwhelming in terms of amounts of stuff it is almost impossible to deal with.
I recommend a professional organizer. Meanwhile let family know if they want any of this junk they have the next three months to look at it all. Then out it goes. IMHO our living spaces reflect the insides of our minds in terms of detritus that is worthless to us or anyone else, and the amount of useless churning and recycling of it.
If there anything you are holding onto from the other deceased parents that you want? If not then just start throwing stuff away. Keep one or two things from each parent and get rid of the rest. That stuff is NOT your parents.
I know that sounds harsh but sometimes we have to do things like this to reclaim our lives. Your home and your garage are not a shrine to your parents stuff, nor is it a storage unit. I don't think any of your parents would have wanted you to just store their possessions indefinitely like this.
What's going to happen when mom dies are you going to keep her 3 storage units full of her stuff in your house and garage too? I don't think you have the room to do that.
And while you say that things aren't quite as bad as the TV show Hoarders, you're still a hoarder, as it sounds like your family members are as well, so perhaps it's a learned behavior.
So I do hope that you'll seek out a good therapist that deals specifically with hoarding disorders, and then start getting rid of the stuff, as it's only stuff. You can't take any of it with you when you leave this earth, so why keep it when it's causing you so much stress?
If there are sentimental things you can take pictures of them and then let them go.
Set a goal(and stick to it)for family members to come get what they want, and for your home, garage, and storage units to be emptied, and the rest either throw away or if it's still in good condition, give to charity.
You will be able to breath much easier when you have all this stuff out of your home and life.
And please continue to work with a therapist to make sure that you won't ever allow things to get out of hand again.
But the last stretch of taking care of my mom at our home, it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to clean almost ANYTHING in the year or two before she fell and started the hospital--> long term care pipeline, because everything I did to make way with that was met with harassment and exhausting annoyance. That's when I absolutely knew both of us could not live together anymore. She would definitely be a toxic-type hoarder if I wasn't there for her.
I started cleaning and organizing years before she became totally disabled, knowing that I was going to have to deal with all that myself someday, and I NEVER told her when I did it. Now that I have her staying in long term care, I still NEVER tell her what I'm doing with the house. She and my father absolutely shut me out of practically anything about their lives, and the only way to not get her upset now that she's in a nursing facility, is to return the "favor" and not tell her anything I'm doing. I know that sounds terrible, but honestly it's what worked.
Even with myself, it was HARD to take bags and bags of "stuff" to the donation place and I could feel that psychological "save it!" pulling too. But I've donated bags of stuff before, and I end up not missing any of it, and bonus: if someone got good use of what I donated, I made the world a better place!
You need State long term help with caretaking. Once you get that you can start truly decluttering and being free in your own home. Chances are the rest of the family doesn't even know what's around and won't miss it.
Seems you have a lot on ur plate. Maybe time to place Mom in Memory care if she has the money or a nice LTC facility with Medicaid paying.
It’s a total waste of money to be storing items that won’t ever be used again. Get rid of all of it. Just think how much better you will feel not dealing with it anymore once it’s gone.
Does your mom ever see any of her stuff? It’s locked away, so how would she even know that you disposed of it. Let her believe that it’s still there.
Does she see any financial evidence of storage fees being paid? If she doesn’t then there shouldn’t be any reason why you can’t allow her to believe that everything is still being stored. Or show her fake receipts if you feel that she will get upset.
Example, my parents had some really nice table lamps, and the ones I had had no sentimental value to me. Swapped out. Same with bookends, now when I see the gold flamingos bookends I think of my parents :)
It's all just STUFF.
In your position I would do this now rather than wait until your mother dies. You know she’s never going to live alone again and will never have a need for all of it. As for siblings wanting you to hold onto all of this, tell them all what you are going to do and inform them that they are welcome to come and get anything they want to keep or arrange for items to be shipped to them but you will no longer be in the storage business. I did this with my siblings and was not surprised that nobody came to get anything. You own the steering wheel to your life. Stop giving it away then being unhappy with where you are. I wish you strength and peace.
Your mother has Alzheimer's, btw, and as POA, YOU make decisions FOR her now. Including what storage items to get rid of. Do not speak to her of your plans, obviously, just do it.
If there are old papers you can put them in bags and take them to a place to be shredded for a fee. You'd be shocked how many things are old bills or old papers that are not needed. Old magazines, newspapers, and the like also go. You can find most anything paper related on the Net these days.
So far in our area I've only been able to find estate sale companies that hold estate sales in homes, they won't go to storage places to hold them and the storage company where my mom's units are won't allow estate sales because the access to the facility is controlled by a security keypad it is a climate controlled facility, all units are interior and have no external access so it cannot remain open for random people to come in and out.
I'm thinking the best bet might be to donate nearly everything. There are only two or three items I am interested in, and my only remaining sibling has zero interest in anything. I like the idea of switching out a few of my own things for the nicer things my parent had, donating my things that have no sentimental value.
Though due to tons of other responsibilities I don't have as much time to focus on it as I'd like in order to be completely and quickly done with it all at once, I've been steadily working on getting rid of what is stored in my garage and home with the help of a professional organizer, definitely don't want to leave this sort of problem for my kids. Most of the personal things and inherited things I had stored in my garage are now gone. I see light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway, thank you all for your encouragement!
Sure do wish you get luck. But basically, just "get rid of it". No one will miss it.
The situation: My mother grew up with as the only child of a depression era hoarder who was poor and always afraid of being in want, thus saving everything, including every envelope of mail (scrap paper) every plastic container (free tupperware) every stitch of clothing. All furniture and dishes/glassware was considered priceless. Although my DH and I spent 5 months decluttering grandma’s house and selling/donating anything worthwhile, mom brought the rest of the hoard to her house.
Mom lived in her house for 58 years, never throwing anything out, as she had been taught (there was no actual garbage or infestations). She brought in grandma’s hoard. Then she allowed my brother to stay there for 10 years after he got divorced and he hoarded there. After my father died, my mom partnered up with a man old enough to be her father. His own daughter forced him out of the house HE gave her, and he moved 74 years worth of stuff to moms house. Actually SHE did that.
Mom passed almost 3 months ago. I hired one of her home health aids to go through, pack, take or discard all her clothing. It was a TON and too emotional for me. DH, and army of friends and family have filled 2 30 yard dumpsters, had an estate sale and donated literally tons of items to the church & goodwill and sold things online. In the meantime, brother has moved in and is bringing more stuff to the house. (Please, forum, don’t tell me to evict him, I have been to 3 lawyers, he is considered an owner of the house as stated in the will and cannot be evicted).
Summary: 1) EVERYONE says “just” call an antique dealer and they will come to the house (or unit), take the antiques off your hands and even give you money! IRL I’ve only had one dealer even come to the house, after sending pictures of everything to every antique dealer in the area. There may have been a time when that would have worked, but the antique market is way down right now. One dealer said to me flat out, “furniture is dead”
2) I think people are correct when they say you can stop paying on the storage units (especially if mom is on Medicare) and they will be stuck getting rid of the items. It sounds awful, but what those people charge is criminal. I like the suggestion to have you and family come and take any truly cherished items first.
3) I have spent hundreds of backbreaking hours bringing items to churches for sales, and Goodwill. It’s heavy and painstaking. I have also sold a few pieces of furniture and whatnot online, but it still involves loading driving and meeting people..a ton of time for little payout.
4) After almost 3 moths (while no longer caring for someone) I am down to what a “normal” house that has never been cleaned out in 58 years would look like, which is a LOT. My next move is to have Big Brothers Big Sisters (Heartsprings) come with a truck and take whatever household goods and furniture they will take - it all has to be brought outside.
After that, it will have to be the junk man. Which is a shame because the real trash has already been thrown away.
You and I are not alone. I met a lady at an antique sale that has spent 4 months cleaning out 3 rooms and has 4 rooms to go. This seems like an epidemic in our society.