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How do you all handle your reaction to toxic and cruel mothers? I have done everything and more possible to help her get settled into a wonderful AL. Including moving her across the country from a very bad Living situation. She has not been diagnosed with dementia (refuses MRI) but has signs of it and short term memory loss. She has BLP and BP w/narcissistic tendencies.


I need to help improve my mental health by controlling my reactions and sadness by her meanness, cruel and painful threats she makes on me daily.
I have boundaries in place. I do not visit anymore and take my phone off the hook at night so my family can sleep uninterrupted from dozens of calls day and night.
Went to therapy before moving her back here. Learned “I Owe her nothing.”


Have some good books to start reading today “Walking On Eggshells”
“Boundaries”and “Emotional Blackmail”
any other suggestions?
thank you in advance,

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Well, you have come to the right place for support and advice.

I, too, am my mother's 'trigger' and no matter what I do/did for her, she wasn't happy or it would backfire. I would be driving home from a visit with her, literally screaming in the car and pounding the steering wheel. I'm sure anyone who happened to see me was wondering if I had totally 'lost it'.

Accepting that mother is NEVER going to change, NEVER going to appreciate all that I have done for her and NEVER going to be able to be kind to me....I just quit trying.

Boundaries is what it's about. I see my kids setting boundaries with me--and I am OK with that. I'd rather they did that than be upset with me.

It's perfectly OK to call screen your mom. Answer the phone only when you want to and can handle a call. My mother has never bothered to learn my phone number (44 years, same phone #, that's telling, right?). So I have that going for me. She isn't constantly hassling me with ridiculous calls.

As your mom does not live with you, it will get easier over time to store up the strength to go see her occasionally. I see mother about once every other month, although I have gone almost a year without talking to or seeing her. And she lives about 2 miles away.

LOTS of therapy--not just mother's lack of compassion for me, but a lot of other issues she allowed to go on in our family--I want to say that I have totally forgiven her, but I haven't, not yet. Still working on it.

You're making a good start, keep going. You owe her the respect as your mother, but you do not need to turn yourself inside out to make her happy. Believe me, narc moms do not want you to be happy and are pretty much NEVER happy with anything you do.

Dementia or no---a narc mom will suck the life out of you. And my sibs are not included in this--I do not really know why she has chosen me to be the sacrificial lamb. But my sibs do not get treated the same.

Be kind to yourself. I found no support from my family, DH or kids...none. I have to self care. If they think I'm mean b/c I don't 'do more' for her, that's their problem.

Keep up with therapy if it's helping.

Good Luck to you!!
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CantDance Aug 2020
Great answer, Midkid. Agree with all.
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Dear "agingmother4343,"

I'm sorry you have bent over backwards to help your mother in what is a toxic and painful relationship - one that is out of your hands. The sadness you feel is the realization that what you wish you had received from your mother all your life will never be - it's your way of grieving that truth.

You seem to be doing all you can for yourself as well and heading in the right direction. One day you will be rewarded for all you've done. The old saying "what goes around, comes around" also applies to the good things people do such as yourself.

Another book to add to your list would be "Safe People - How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend - the same authors of "Boundaries."

One day may you have peace in your heart - this too will pass, I promise!
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Sendhelp Aug 2020
Oh, thank you NobodyGetsit!
I might be getting it!
The book: Safe People
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Agingmother,

Coping with our parents' decline is so difficult. Every parent and situation are different, so we all have to find what works best for each of us. I found success by detaching myself emotionally from my mother. The method that worked best for me was "gray rock," which can be searched here on this forum and/or the web, where you'll find plenty of information.

In a nutshell, when my mom makes a toxic comment or action, or she goes off on a rant, I assume the identity of a rock around her, i.e. offer no reaction to her remarks. Like she didn't say or do those hurtful things at all. It's likely she is seeking a reaction of shock, hurt, dismay, verbal outburst, you-name-it, so I don't "reward" her with a reaction. This is what she wants. This worked rather well with my mom, reducing but not eliminating her negative behaviors, and for what it's worth seems to work for individuals with and without dementia. And maybe more importantly, assuming the "gray rock" attitude actually helped me detach emotionally. It's not that I don't care about my mom; but now that I use this method, her slings and arrows miss their mark and fall to the ground. And I am so much better off for it. You may want to look into it and give it a try! Wishing you serenity through this difficult journey!
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NobodyGetsIt Aug 2020
"CantDance" - Very well said/explained. Yes, they definitely want our reactions because that confirms that they have what they think is "power" over you. It's sad because it's normal to "react" to people whether it's a positive or negative reaction so it makes it difficult to stop. You literally have to "learn" how not to react.
So sorry you've had to endure this but, it sounds like you have a handle on it!
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I am not one but lots of members with one even two narcissistic parents and siblings on the forum.

I think you are doing what you need to do. You don't even need to take calls during the day. Mom needs to adjust to the AL and rely on the staff for her needs. All you need to do is make sure she has her Depends (if she uses them) and her toiletries. She is getting her 3 meals a day and snacks. Moms AL always seemed to be having some kind of party and entertainment. Just try to stress with Mom that she needs to join in. That you can not nor anyone be everything for her. You cannot make her happy, she has to find that for herself.

You have done what needs to be done. You have found a safe place for Mom where she gets her meds regularly, she is clean and fed. And when u feel like it u visit. When u visit though and she gets started you can leave. Maybe after a few times doing this, she will "get it".
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I love the self caring you are giving yourself, and the trips to Therapy, the reading, show clearly in your note to us, because everything you say shows recognition that you understand. You "intellectually" got this.
You have done some self-sabatage by moving your Mom, who you describe very well, more near you. But you may have considered all alternatives and decided that this is the best way for you to move forward.
For you there is only one more step, and that is actually FEELING what you already know well. Then you will be able to meet the usual manipulation not only with understanding, kindness, and removal of yourself FROM it, but you may even be able to meet it with humor.
I remember the EXACT day and time and incident that divided the time I was my Mother's Daughter, and the time I was clearly, certainly, and gently, ME. That recognition let me recognize my Mom also, as just another striving human being, with the limitations we each have. It let me stop protecting myself when I no longer needed to and start loving her more.
You have been so diligent in self care and I so congratulate you on this. It will happen. Keep taking good care.
If you don't already, consider journaling. Write your Mom how you really feel, strive for gentle honesty, not hurt-child pain. Decorate it. Try to BE your Mom for a few pages. Play with it. Enjoy it. Learn from it. Be an ARTIST, and let no magazine survive your scissors!
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Take a deep breath and tell yourself "This is my mother." No matter how she talks to me, "I love her anyway and I am not going to leave her.'' If you have to walk away for a minute to shake it off, that is ok. Just remember, That's your mother.
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In the meantime, while you are learning more, use this technique to help with your reaction to the hurt:

Tell someone right away. Someone willing to take your call, a support team, 1-3 people. Or just one special person to hear you.

It does not have to be a therapist, it can be your sister, who might just say: "I hate them", meaning she hates that you were hurt, and understands.

You may need a lot of support before you toughen up. That does not make you weak.

You may need support so that you do not hate the narcissist causing you pain, but learn that you hate the behaviors.

And you can learn that it is the hate that can destroy you.

imo.
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Look up the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson - it helped me a great deal and echoes a lot of advice given in this thread. We are vulnerable to narc mum stinging comments because the child in us still keeps looking for mum's love and validation. They cannot provide it. Once we 'stop looking', in a way it lets them off the hook as there is no more pressure on them to provide you what they cannot, so the relationship with parent may actually improve. good luck x
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Samples of the books recommended are available on amazon.
I was able to read several pages of Townsend's Safe People.
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NobodyGetsIt Aug 2020
That's good - I just left you a message on your profile page!
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I’m going to read the books you suggested in your post. I recently blocked my moms number which helps a lot with anxiety. My dad can call me if they really need anything. Sounds like you are doing some good stuff with boundaries. Just wanted to let you know that your not alone! Lots of hugs and good vibes.
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