I live with 92 yr old mom, leg in cast for 5 months, last 7 months I've been doing everything, Everything, all day Everyday. I'm sleep deprived, loss of weight, depression, anxiety to its highest. Siblings dont help. Can't afford home care. How do I get them to give me a day off? I'm exhausted.
Have you spoken to your local Area Agency on Aging?
How long are you planning on being there? How long have you been there? Who has the cast, you or mom? When will it be removed?
Your local county council on aging agency is a good resource to help you.
Siblings that have not agreed to be caregivers are never helpful. The attitude of you decided to care for mom, I didn't, can cause many problems. Let them live with their choices and find alternative help. Trying to force them will only make things harder for you.
Community services such as catholic charities are a good start to finding resources that are offered free of charge.
Hugs! Caring for a parent is difficult at best, remember that you matter as well and find ways to care for yourself.
How does anyone end up in our situations. Its not that we are willing, there is not always a choice. Not everyone has the money for an AL that costs at least 5k a month. Some fall where there is not enough money but they make a little too much for help.
From your profile, ur parent is in an AL. You r one of the lucky ones.
You need to tell your siblings you need help. Even if its just to babysit for a day so u can get time to yourself. Or a weekend to get away. They need to do some hands on to see what ur going thru.
Did u live with Mom before the seven months? Why after 5 months why is her cast not off. Are u at Moms beck and call? Maybe time to set boundries. If she is 92 u must be at least 60. Senior caring for a senior. Tell her u just don't have the energy to do it all. If she is keeping u awake, ask her dr. for a mild sleeping pill for her.
If your mother receives social security use it for caregivers. If she has savings, use it for caregivers. When it runs out apply for Medicaid, if you want to keep caring for her there are Medicaid waivers where you can be paid for being her caregiver if you live with her. I don't know how much that pay is or how many hoops you have to jump through for all of that but there are options depending on your state. Check out the Medicaid.gov site
Just please don't wait for your siblings to step up.
If your mom still needs a cast for her leg, maybe she qualifies for inpatient rehab services or a rehab/physical therapy evaluation. She may be capable of doing more activities that you do for her. It's hard to "not help" but in her best interests to let her work harder towards doing more for herself.
Ask your siblings for help, but have a list of tasks that they could help with: clean the house 1 day a week, take mom out for lunch once a week, take mom out for a haircut every 6-8 weeks, watch mom for a couple hours so you can do the shopping alone....
Even if your siblings won’t physically help, ask them to pay for a caregiver 2 afternoons or one day each week. Point out to them that this is causing you health issues and if you don’t get respite relief on an on-going basis, you may not be around to help at all. Then it will ALL be on them. Statistically, caregivers get ill more often than the general population. It is in their best interest to have you healthy!
Find adult daycare in your area, either on a daily or weekly basis. Inform your siblings of the cost for this and split the cost of this among them, or, alternatively, they need to find time to come and take care of mom for a day or more. Suggest that the toll this is taking on you will eventually make it impossible for you to take care of mom.
If she has any other savings use that for her caregivers as well.
If siblings are worried that the inheritance is being spent tell them that it is Mom's money and you are using it for Mom, they can fight over what is left after Mom dies.
As far as the caregiver you do not need a nurse or even a CNA a "companion" caregiver will be sufficient. (Unless she does need special care)
Contact your local Senior Services they may also have options for you that will provide caregiver services. Thees may be based on her income, her level of need and depending on that they will determine how many hours she would get.
If she does qualify and you want more help again resort to her savings to hire someone else for a few more hours.
Some volunteer groups will also provide a volunteer that will come in and sit with her for a few hours so you can get a break.
If Mom is on Hospice she would be able to have a volunteer come in and sit with her for a few hours (with the Hospice I volunteer with it is a maximum of 4 hours). And if she is on Hospice Medicare does pay for 1 week of Respite.
And lastly if she is going to remain in a cast for a while and if she had been walking up to this point you might want to ask the doctor about rehab. She will need it after the cast is removed. In any case it is worth a call to the doctor to see if she would be eligible for a stay in rehab for a while.
-Figure out what, exactly, you want from them. A 24 hr day per week, weekends off Fri night to Sun night, a full week per month, etc. Decide. Otherwise, you're going to get something like - I can come Saturday for a couple of hours and the only thing you're going to have time to do is complete personal errands for your mom (grocery, drug store) and absolutely no quality time for yourself.
-Call around to find out what your days off will cost. If you want Fri night to Sun night off and the best deal you can find is $400, include that price in your request.
Then your letter: I've been here for xx amount of time and the past 7 months have required 24/7 care. I need some help. Please get together and work out a calendar of when each of you can come to give me some relief for xx number of days per month. If you cannot come, please decide which one of you will collect the pay needed and pay the XX In-Home Health care company. I want to start this on MMDDYY because of my own health concerns. If I don't get some relief, I am going to have to check on facility care because I cannot do this much longer on my own.
Don't let them do the 1 or 2 hr visit because that will NOT give you a real break. And if that's all they offer tell them you need a REAL break, not a visit. Of course, you have to be aware that you may find putting her in a facility is perfectly acceptable to them and they have no plan to give her any of their time or money. At that point, you have a decision to make.
You must come first and deserve this time off.
If that doesn't work, contact Medicaid if you are on it and see if you can get respite care of some kind. Find out what you are eligible for. If you are not on Medicaid, I would work on that.
If that doesn't work, contact your local office for the aging and see if they can help.