Hi all,
I've got some questions and I'm hoping someone can help. My parents have always come first in my life. So when my Dad's health really started to decline, I put my life on hold and moved in with them. I left my kids, my dogs and my husband. I took over everything for them. I cooked, cleaned, went to the store, made sure they took their meds, doctor appointments, anything at all. I was their health care of attorneys and made almost all of their medical decisions. We lost my Dad in January of 2020 to kidney failure. Mom was having some memory problems at the time, but she put all her health concerns on hold so we could take care of Dad. After he passed, I continued to live with her tho, I couldn't leave her, I wouldn't leave her. Now bear in mind, I have 2 brothers also. Both are single. They did nothing to help and I mean NOTHING. I noticed that her memory was getting worse. One morning it felt as if a switch flipped and I feared that she had had a stroke overnight. I finally was able to get her to go to her primary doctor and she recommended that Mom needed to see a geriatric specialist. She had, which would turn out to be her second stroke, right before her geriatric consult. She was hospitalized for about a week. I wanted to bring her home, but I thought that some physical therapy would help her. I spoke with the neurologist and she agreed. Here's where everything goes wrong. My ex-sister in law has worked at many different rehab facilities, so I asked her if there was a way she could help me make the right decision. Then my youngest brother got involved. By the time Mom was transferred, they had made a complete and total mess of everything. Instead of her going to a rehab facility, they made arrangements for a nursing home. She was admitted to a long term, memory care, nursing home. My power of attorney was then change, only verbally mind you, to him. My ex sister in law and my middle brother were listed as her contacts. I was listed as other family. I had lost all the control over what was best for her that I had had for years. Anything I wanted to know I now to go thru my brother. I had no clue what kind of care she was getting, no idea about her doc appts, nothing about her health. They shut me out. Then I got a court summons in the mail letting me know that my middle brother had retained a lawyer and was going for full guardianship over her personally and over the estate. I was the one who was still going to my parents house, checking the mail, watering the plants, cutting the grass. In August of 2022 I went to check the mail and water the plants only to discover that my brothers were there and they changed the locks on the house and my Dad's garage. I was then accused of stealing money, my Grandma's jewelry and a whole bunch of other things. My youngest brother, told me that the only regret he had was that during my surgery earlier that summer was that I didn't die during it. So seeing as that didn't happen, he'd like me to "die alone on a hill". They both got together, cleaned out the entire house, took what they wanted and gave me what they thought I should have with the exception of the 1930 Ford my Dad left to me. I'm not allowed to have that car unless I buy it. My parents had no will, but that didn't stop them from taking everything they wanted. Then my ex sister moved into my parents house. Which I was told was so that she could take care of Mom when she came home. Mom came home in March of this year, which didn't last long. She's back in a facility already. Only this time, she is in assisted living. How can a woman who was deemed incompetent and completely unfit to make any decisions about anything in her life be able to live in assisted living?? I'm being told that I still have to ask permission from my brother to be able to do anything with her. Even if I wanted to just take her to lunch, I need to ask. Is this true?? I don't know what to do!!
But your post had so much more, and it was only natural that forum members questioned things like your moving in to live with your parents for years.
You characterize your brothers as snakes in the grass. When I read this sort of portrayal for multiple sibs, I usually question just how wonderful the parent actually is. The parents are often portrayed as "deserving" a 24/7/365 caregiving slave rather than some "horrid facility."
And what is an "ex-sister"? You must mean ex sister-in-law?
I suspect we might hear a very different side of the story from your brothers.
But, regardless, I wish you peace in resolving the many issues in your life. Please consult an attorney for the POA/guardianship issues and a therapist for your personal issues.
I hope that no one ever judges any of you as you have judged me.
I hope that when you can no longer take care of yourselves that your children will be there for you.
No one here is perfect.
Most of us here think you have your priorities terribly wrong. It's your husband and children who are hurting here; you seem to have to compassion for them.
Please think about who in is suffering because of your choices.
I am sorry you have received some very judgmental responses, I hope you are still around so you can get some help and guidance from this forum.
That should have changed the day you got married. From that point your husband and kids come first. Even says in the Bible to “leave and cleave” once you’re married.
“… with the exception of the 1930 Ford my Dad left to me. I'm not allowed to have that car unless I buy it.” Huh? Are you 16? Your parents are still dictating your life.
You never grew up. And your parents were just fine with you dumping their grandkids. So there is a big pattern of codependency with you and your parents. You feel you’re the good girl, the family martyr. How selfless you were! It’s indeed selfless, but it’s because you don’t know who you are besides being your parents’ daughter.
It’s fine to look after elderly parents. It’s not fine to abandon your husband, kids, and dog indefinitely. If I were your husband, I’d assume the marriage is over. If I were your kid, I’d assume I meant nothing to you anymore. And I’d be exactly right.
Get therapy. Figure out why you so beholden to your parents, and so easily disposed of your family. This is not normal.
I am sorry you are probably not getting the answers you want. If your brother now has guardianship then what he says goes. If Mom lasts a long time, there will be no inheritance. As long as she has assets, they will go towards her care. As Guardian ur brother has to acct for every cent he spends on Mom to the State. And yes, he is in charge. As Guardian your brother makes all the decisions one being placing Mom where he thinks she is safe and cared for. Also, you will probably have to get permission to take Mom out of the building.
So, you better just let it all go. Your brother is in charge so u do it his way. Hopefully, you can pick up where you left off with your family. You have probably missed some milestones with ur kids. Your relationship with your husband may not be as close. It will be like starting over. But then maybe he is a very understanding man.
Unless Dad put it in writing that he gave the car to you, its not yours. Just telling someone "its yours when I am gone" is not enough. Really, anyone owning a home should have a Will. Even if he had left the car to you in a Will, its not yours until he dies. So, if that car needs to be sold for his care or to pay bills, than thats what happens. Wills are for "just in case".
It sounds like they were right to do what they did. Just my opinion.
You need to go crawl back to your husband and kids and BEG for their forgiveness. And you need to apologize profusely to them for what you did to your family.
I am sorry to tell you that I stopped reading after you said that your parents have always come first in your life and that you left home, hubby, kids and dog for them.
That's an option. I hope it works well for you. But I honestly can't identify with such a thing, so my opinions for you would be worth nothing. I hope others can help you.
Funny how you complained about your brothers doing nothing to help, then complain that they have completely taken over and left you out of the decision making process. A nursing home is exactly where your mother should be. You should be grateful, you now have your life back and can try and reconnect with your family. Instead you are complaining that you no longer get to wipe your mom's butt anymore.
I am getting the distinct impression that we are not getting the full story from you, and that your brothers would tell a very different tale. BTW - you should be able to visit your mom anytime you want to at the AL facility. It's not like they have armed guards at the doors.
My thoughts exactly.
I hope you now realize how very unhealthy you putting your parents over your immediate family is, and will do things to now make amends with them if it's not too late already.
You say that your parents didn't have a will, yet they took the time to do the legal paperwork to make you their POA??? Something doesn't make sense here and like already said we are only hearing YOUR side of the story and there are always 3 sides, yours, theirs and the truth.
And as said already too, a POA cannot be changed verbally. It has to be done legally and through a lawyer, and ALL doctors and medical facilities MUST have a copy of the POA's on record with them, before they will listen to the "said" POA.
So again things here just don't line up in my book.
Instead of being all upset now with your brothers who supposedly didn't give you any help for many years, be thankful that they're finally stepping up to do their part so that you can once and for all start putting your husband and children first where they should have been all along.
No, this is not how it happens. It is a legal process done in writing. Your Mom would have had to recreate new docs assigning your brother as PoA and then having papers notarized with 2 non-family witnesses. This is generally how it happens in most states.
But -- you also write that your brother is pursuing guardianship for her. We are only getting your side of the story: yours. The fact that you left your own children and husband to move in and care for your parents is a very large red flag that your priorities and judgment may not be what they should be. You chose your parents over your own children and husband...this is not proper, healthy, wise, fair, loving, etc.
Now that you're relieved of the caregiving burden, are you glad you have time for your own actual family now? Stop fighting over your Mom and please just focus on your family. I'm sorry that your journey with your parents has been so fraught with struggle. Have you asked your kids and husband where they think your attention should be?
Did your brother get Guardianship? (I am assuming he did)
Did you have an attorney during the proceeding?
If so why were you not granted Guardianship?
If you did not have an attorney why not?
Were you sent a letter notifying you of court dates? (if your legal address is still the home and family you left letters may have been sent there, would your husband notify you?)
You could also retain an attorney and try to get Guardianship.
Personal opinion...
If your mom is doing well where she is leave her.
If your brother is doing a good job as Guardian leave it alone. It is not an easy task. (does your mother have an estate large enough to fight over?)
Go back to your family that you left years ago. Putting your parents high on the list of priorities is one thing but when you get married and have a family your first priority is your family.