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We recently moved my 82 year-old father-in-law in with us. He was showing signs of mental decline, but I think it's far worse than we thought. He already believes we've stolen his life savings because we took his checkbooks from him to lock them up (he kept misplacing them and then panicking and accusing everyone of stealing them. He would also write checks for thousands of dollars and then not know where to send them because nothing was due, but send them to random companies). He truly believes his money and CDs are gone since he doesn't have it in hand, has lost all concept of a bank.
When we went to clean out his house, he couldn't find the CDs (paperwork for the CDs that we already took to our house) and swore up and down that some kids broke in and stole them. That was the only possibility. I tried to assure him that they wouldn't be able to do anything with the paperwork because they aren't him or my husband (his attorney in fact), naturally, he didn't believe me. Then, as soon as we got home, I showed him all of the paperwork, but all of that was forgotten the next morning. Then, as we were leaving his house after cleaning, he was concerned that kids would break in and turn his water on and steal his food (food we left until we brought a cooler back).
Effective July 1, 2019, he has Medicare Parts A, B & D, yet he doesn't believe he has insurance since he doesn't work (he was working all the way until 7/1/2019 at a grocery store). His PC Physician, other son and daughter-in-law, multiple nurses, his cardiologist and phlebotomist have all told him he has Medicare and it's really good insurance. He believes no one - they don't know anything. Then, he'll say that it doesn't pay anything and that he'll be broke. He is combative when going to the doctor and when taking meds. By the way, any tips on giving him his meds? He firmly believes we are trying to give him a stroke or paralyze him, if not trying to kill him. I explain that he has to take his high BP meds and blood thinners or he WILL have a stroke or heart attack. He doesn't believe us. For example, it took us 45 minutes to give him his night meds last night. This morning, my husband spent an hour and 4 minutes. We really don't know what to do. We can't just let him go without his meds, but he's becoming more combative and once they melt in his mouth (he holds them in his mouth until they do), he will spit everything out. Any tips? Clearly, we need all the tips we can get. :) Thank you all.

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You FIL needs an eval from a neurologist. He needs something to calm him down. This maybe a job u can't do. He may need more care than u can give him.
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
We know, his appointment is August 5. We're new to this (he's only been with us a month and this has seemed to progress quickly), but we're learning as we go. We're ready to care for him until we can't. My husband is a SAHD and is able to spend all day with him. He bathes him, feeds him, takes him to doctor appointments, etc.
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Start researching AL homes, many times they are more easy to deal with when strangers are involved. He sounds like he also needs some meds to calm him down. There is no point to continuing this circus in your home, he needs clinical trained help, this will be best for him and you both.
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
We're weighing our options. Yes! He does need something to calm him down. They prescribed Lorazepam and it helps, however, he's only supposed to take it at night for sleep. We have an appointment on August 5 to have him evaluated. We'll talk to them about additional medication.
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Even with his blood thinners and BP meds he may still have had a stroke or heart attack - has this suddenly got worse?

I should take advice from his PCP about how far to go with compliance with his meds, especially in the short term. It may be that the stress of fighting tips the balance against this being a battle to pick every time, at least until he's adjusted. If he refuses, take them away and try again later.

What dementia investigations have been done?
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I'm so sorry, I know it's overwhelming. For your FIL, it does sounds like both a neurological and psychological evaluation are in order. This is very difficult, and there are no easy answers.

In the beginning when I started looking after her, my mother was extremely argumentative and uncooperative with me abut everything. I asked her PCP could he give her something to "take the edge off" and he said yes, but then I decided to try a few other strategies first.

Regarding money, finances, insurance, meds, in my case what I say doesn't count (I'm no expert from her point of view), so I had to figure out the simple pat "answers" with "experts" that would momentarily satisfy her (until the next time, of course!), stop the fussing, and we could move on. "Ed is handling all that" (her trusted financial adviser); I told Ed that he was my goto when needed. In the beginning she'd call him and he'd back me up, bless him; now I just have to say it and it settles her down. "Dr. S says you HAVE to..." (her long time PCP); she likes him and will begrudgingly do what he says, and I use that to my advantage. Between Ed and Dr. S, so far things have settled down. Good luck!
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
As posted, his evaluation is scheduled for August 5. Also, he just moved in with us a month ago. So, he's still adjusting from living alone for 40+ years to living with people. I believe a lot of his anxiety comes from that. We've adjusted our bill-paying strategy so he can regain control. He already seems to be doing a little better with the new strategy that we just implemented on Sunday. For the most part, we have his finances (hubby is financial and medical POA), insurances, etc. ironed out, but FIL is just stuck in his head believing he knows better. Eventually, after he adjusts, I think he will get comfortable that he doesn't have to spend his life savings on medical bills. I appreciate your response. It took us a month, but we finally figured out we were going about things all wrong. We need to allow him a little "control" in his life - even if faux control.
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Crush meds & hide/mix in his favorite foods...or apple sauce or ice cream 🍨..I hope you have poa & health proxy ? So you can handle his financial & health Care ? Maybe you would look into Assisted living? Or memory care
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
Yes, my husband has financial and medical POA. I've thought of crushing meds and putting in his foods, but I've been hesitant to try it because I'm afraid he'll notice and then think we're poisoning him. :) Always something, right?
It's only been a month, I'm hoping once he gets adjusted to living with someone, he'll calm down a bit. But, we're contemplating Assisted Living.
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its not an easy situation. I feel for you. As for the checkbooks, void all the checks and let him have it. It won’t matter then if he sends checks everywhere and the busy work of doing that might be a blessing. You can even give him fake bills that he needs to pay if he finds any sort of joy in feeling useful like that.

Also, give him a wallet with cards that are expired or store cards that can’t get him in trouble. Keep an extra wallet with you somewhere else so when he loses it and starts accusing you or your family, you can pull it out like magic.

Welcome to the caregiving adventure!
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
Awesome ideas! Thank you so much! So far, I've caught on to his "hiding spots" where he has been "losing" things, but I think that wallet idea may need to happen sooner than later. It's a great idea. Luckily, he needs a new wallet (his current is ripped and falling apart), so we can buy two identical without him knowing. It'll work perfectly.

Thank you!
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My Mom went through this stage. It is incredibly challenging. I love the answers of voiding checks, expired cards and trusted experts. Telling them 'NO' or 'insisting' on anything generally goes badly at this stage. We found crushed meds with syrup or jelly, anything extremely sweet to cover the bitter taste, worked best. My experience with 4 different nursing home recovery stays tells me that they are generally not prepared to handle this either. I'm sorry to tell you that but my Mom fell and sustained serious injuries and bruises at all places because staff were not trained in how to minimize the behaviors. In the end we were able to find a medicaid supported program for care in our home. It's 1 option. It's no picnic but it's what I could live with. The good news is that this is a phase. Most people become less aggressive as the disease progresses. My Mom passed last month. I have a scar from one of our early battles when I didn't know how to manage things. I kind of like it now, it's like a badge of honor, ha! Speaking of handling things - find all the articles you can on communication styles. Making eye contact, speaking softly, touching, learning the 'tells' of rising agitation. You can minimize the episodes. Good Luck and God be with you and you loved ones.
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Regardless how hard it is to care for them, the loss is equally as hard.
Ah, crushed meds with jelly is a great idea! Never thought of that! :)
To be honest, I am afraid to put him in a nursing home...our family hasn't had great luck with NHs. Part of me is afraid he's too far along for AL. My MIL was in AL and it didn't last long. As soon as she began falling, they shipped her to a NH.
I'm glad to hear that it's a stage, that's what I was hoping. As I've already mentioned, I firmly believe we're in an adjustment period where he's defiant because he just lost his independence.
Thank you so much!
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There is much advise to give but one recommendation I would make is to go to Youtube and look up Teepa Snow.   She has some videos on there and others that you can buy that explain Alzheimers and the behaviors related to it  She also teaches some very practical techniques in dealing with many difficult issues in a way that makes so much sense.  The bottom line is really that Alzheimers is a disease that slowly destroys the brain, not just a memory problem.  So many of the behaviors we see is as a result of particular parts of the brain loosing their ability to function.    With regard to the keep telling him about his finances this is now just how it is.   He will keep asking, but remember he is not doing it to annoy you it is a malfunction of his brain.   Hope this helps.
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
Thank you so much for the Teepa Snow recommendation! I just had a great aunt that passed from Alzheimer's, and my aunt was her caregiver (great aunt lived with aunt) for the entire progression. I'm having my aunt over to discuss tips and tricks, but my great aunt wasn't quite as combative, so my aunt is afraid she won't be much help.
I will admit, it's a struggle to remember that he is sick and not trying to be mean to us, it's not him. But, during the most difficult times, I repeat that to myself. My hubby and I both remind each other.
Thank you for the help!
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He is living with you and your husband, right? It sounds like he isn't able to live alone at this point. I'd likely make sure you and DH have all the signed documents, Healthcare POA, Durable POA, etc. in hand. You can arrange for appointments to get a diagnosis and begin acting on his behalf. His cognitive decline might be from some condition that is treatable or maybe not. Some states require filing of POA. I'd read a lot and watch the Teepa Snow videos on You tube. It's really like going into the world of the person who has dementia. Explaining, providing information, begging, etc. isn't going to help him process the information or see the truth. So, it's a matter of giving him answers that he can live with and keep him calm. AS WELL as medication, which he may need for anxiety or depression.

At first my LO was very anxious and was scared because she said that things seemed different in her head. She felt like she was dreaming. So, he may be having a lot of fear and confusion that he's embarrassed to tell you about. So, I'd try to keep him calm and comforted. This kind of thing can be a full time job. People who have dementia may have delusions that cannot be dissuaded. Or hallucinations that cause them to act out. This may be a phase that he comes out of, but, there is not guarantee how long it might last. You might explore some professionals to help you. They are aids who can come to the house and there are also facilities.

I'd also remove any weapons from the home. With my LO, I also removed all scissors, knives and poisons. I'd read online tips on safe proofing your house if someone there has dementia for their and your safety.
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
Yes, he's living with us in our house. There are several reasons based on his behaviors that led to him living with us. But yesterday, we also discovered a lot of white mold in his house, so there are environmental reasons he shouldn't be living alone as well.
My husband does have Financial and Medical POA. His finances are set, POD and beneficiaries listed on all accounts, etc.
You hit the nail on the head - his delusions are impossible to be dissuaded, so hubby and I are learning and working on just listening and commiserating, but it's a process.
Smart - I hadn't thought about FIL-proofing the house. We will do this! Yes! I'm going to start watching Teepa Snow.
Thank you so much!
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Brain scan imaging needed.
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
Appointment is August 5.
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FTD does not respond to Alzheimers meds and can have horrific, permanent effects.
FTD affects the frontal lobe, the social center.

Properly dosed Rick Simpson Oil, RSO, or a high THC flower (*fire OGs are best) have worked wonders for my wife who suspected everyone of everything.

My wife beat up a bus driver, the staff, and drew blood on the director of a PACE facility. She also went after the throat of a case worker in our home.

Since 2013 for 9 years the meds have been the answer for my wife and all the caregivers.

Here is a good article with personal testimonies.

https://www.beingpatient.com/cannabis-dementia/
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My Mom was the same way with medicine. We started telling her that they were just vitamins and she started taking them fine.
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
Great idea! Thanks!
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I am dealing with a 7th stage Alzheimer’s patient. I have the combative behaviours, the issues with having “no money”, everyone is stealing, etc, etc, etc.

What has worked for me is simply agreeing with her, telling her she has money in her handbag, may I help you look for your check book, I am so sorry you are going through this, are you hot/cold, are you hungry, do you need to go to the bathroom, are you scared, I am here with you. These are all the terms I use when getting eye level with her. I hold her dominate hand palm to palm, eye contact, and use my other hand onto of the hand I am holding. When she is screaming I mouth words softly so she has to stop screaming in order to hear me.i hope this helps you.
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I saw in your first reply to JoAnne that your husband is a stay at home dad and therefore able to care for his father all day. God bless him. Give him support and love. Let him leave the house when you get home to give him a break. It’s so important that he has time for himself.

I also suggest exploring an aid or housekeeper who can come a few days a week to either help your husband with caring for Dad or help clean the house. It can help relieve the stress, although it’s an adjustment having a new person there. Usually, the eldercare aid is trained on how to handle Alzheimer’s behavior and can maybe even teach you some useful tricks.
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
Thanks JulieRose! Oh, I do. As a matter of fact, he loves to do yard work. So, when I get home from work, I take over the care of my son (almost 4) and my FIL while hubby either goes out and works in our yard OR he heads over to FIL's house and works in his yard. I get my break on the weekends. I have a very full week between work and home. We seemed to have figured out what works for us, but we realize we may need to adjust these schedules as well.
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Hi BrielleD11, my mom has Alzheimer’s and I’ve been taking care of her for 6 yrs now. She can’t swallow her pills anymore so I checked with her doctor to make sure her pills can be crushed and they can. After crushing I put the powder into a small amount of hot water to dissolve because some pills have a bitter taste and then I put it into her Ensure that she drinks 3 times a day. so I put them in her Ensure which she drinks 3 times a day. Or you can put a small amount of Ensure or his favorite drink into a cup and mix in the dissolved pills together. I hope this helps. Good luck.
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BrielleD11 Jul 2019
Oh, great idea! I will check with his PCP and make sure we're okay to do that and go from there. Thanks!
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My mother’s ( vascular dementia with behavioral changes, possibly ALZheimers as well) neurologist said change the subject. If they still rant and rave, make sure they are in a safe place then leave for a bit ( in your case, probably another room or maybe the backyard, just out of their sight line) . Often they will calm down. It will come up again but basically you can’t fix it so you want to reduce the outbursts as much as you can.
Sometimes the anger stems from frustration and anxiety. Anti anxiety meds may help with that.

if you decide to look for assisted living, some have Memory Care as well so they can move from one part to the next with as little difficulty as possible. Any change knocks them for a loop. Also talk to them about their philosophy of dementia care. Do they keep the residents engaged?
Also if he wears glasses or hearing aids make sure they are working as well as possible as those problems also exacerbate dementia. Same with infections, if you notice a change in his behavior, check for one.
Socialization and activities also helps so if he’s capable of going to a senior center or similar that may help. The less my mother is involved with activities the more anxiety and frustration hence anger she displays.
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Start planning now for a higher level of care. I know right now you and your husband want to take care of him; however, his needs will only increase and it's best to have a plan in place before there is a crisis. Your husband can get sick. You can get injured. Life happens and all of sudden you find yourselves unable to give him the care he needs. Also, search this site for the keyword "combative" and read the threads that others have posted.
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As a retired RN I often had patients who thought I was trying to poison them or that the medicine was harmful. In pills that are not enteric coated you can crush them or open the capsules and empty the powder. If you aren't sure ask the pharmacist. I used applesauce, pudding or yogurt. Add the med to a small amount ( the size of a med. cup 30 ml.). Then add a little sugar or sweetener. This will mask the bitter taste. Mix everything just before you give it so it doesn't dissolve. Be sure to feed the mixture to be sure that they get all of it. On pills that you can't crush, you can sometimes put the whole pill in the yogurt, etc. and feed that spoonful as well. This doesn't always work, but sometimes it makes medicating a simple, pleasant process. Good luck 👍.
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So hard... and oftentimes so sad. Moving a dementia patient is confusing for them, especially when they feel they’ve lost control of their finances, decisions, and daily activities.
How about giving him things to “think about” so he can feel like he has some control, but you can narrow down the choices. Ex: “would you like to wear this or that?” Or “do you want to eat first or take your meds?” Or “would you like to pay your bills now with me or do you want to shower beforehand?” Then, write it down in front of him so he can refer to his “list”....
its a little suggestion, but my dad was a list maker, and writing things down on a bullet point list seems to keep him going..
best wishes. It’s hard, I understand totally!
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Blessings on you and your family for dealing with all of this. I don’t have much experience with Alzheimer’s but I do have a bit of advice. My uncle had this and became very abusive to his wife. His family hid what was happening from the rest of the family, not realizing that this was typical behavior. We only found out after his death. His children are very bitter toward him now.

So my advice is to continue to ask for help and advice, be open and don’t hide your issues. It is unfortunate but nothing to be ashamed of. It seems that many people have experienced some form of this behavior and the more it is talked about the more answers you might find.
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Dont force meds when they are at that stage.
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Oh boy. I lived this. I definitely feel for you. My dad lived with me and we had him in Adult Day care when he reached that combative stage. It was terrible because he started being very physically aggressive with the staff at the Adult Day Care. He thought they were trying to kill him (maybe PTSD from WWII?) In any case, it was terrible to watch him so distraught. I had to start picking him because he would fight people trying to help him take the van. Luckily, he still recognized me. The Adult Day care was associated with PACE so they tried adjusting his medication. Eventually he was admitted to the hospital so they could try different medications. He stayed in the hospital for three weeks. They eventually found medication that seemed to work, but it was challenging. My heart goes out to you and your family. Best wishes!
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EllerySir Jul 2019
Christy's first experience was with PACE in 2014.
I had been caring for her at home since 2006. 8 years.
The doctors did not know what was wrong with her.
An inept neurologist guessed that it might be PTSD and that went in her record.
It prevented proper diagnosis and care.
Insurances and Medicaid differentiate between 'organic' and 'psychological'.
Christy's eligibility and care was delayed because inept keystrokers believed that they could only accept a person who had a 'physical', organic' brain injury.
PTSD is not considered organic.

The PTSD guess on her record delayed her eligibility for Medicaid. They sent us to behavioral health entities for months.
It took 8 months to even get to the first specialist who said he could do nothing for her and referred us, with doubt, to other doctors.
Every BH entity just rolled their eyes and said " Why do they keep sending these clients to us? She cannot respond or follow direction and can't be tested".

The PTSD guess also cause the PACE doctors to administer Alzheimer's and behavioral meds. She beat up a bus driver, the staff, and drew blood on the director of the PACE facility, so she was not allowed in the daycare program, but PACE was contracted to provide her health care.
She also went after the throat of a case worker in our home, so they could not send anyone to help us at home.
One of those meds, one dose, bent her over immediately and reduced her cognition further. The doctors watched in a panic as we lead her down the halls of the clinic. She was bent over and drooling and bumping into the walls.
The staff was trying to demonstrate the use of a 'gait belt.
As they were helping her into a vehicle they started yelling HELP!
It was tragically funny.
That was 2014 and she has not recovered. Someone has to be within reach of her every moment as she will become a pinball.
Still with no diagnosis, PACE tried to admit her to New Mexico University's new Geri/Psyche ward in 2015 for a 14 day eval and experimental 'cocktails' of meds. Christy went ballistic when they tried to take her vitals and the crash cart made a noise. Then she went after staff who were talking loudly in the break room.
They discharged her immediately as they would have had to 'both physically and chemically restrain her.
That would negate the 'cocktail experiment' and restraint is unlawful.

We are glad because in the FTD diagnosis later in 2015 we read that Alzhemer's meds, any brain affecting meds, have adverse affects with FTD.
Christy is still bent over and drooling for no physical reason.

There are no meds for her behavior, but a doctor did offer a med that would calm her for our relief but would "shorten her life". We say, "No way!"

Christy's FTD causes violent seizures, ascribed to the empty brain trying to re-connect, but has no history to make a proper connection. There are no meds for FTD siezures, except cannabis.

Cannabis stops a seizure immediately and calms the chaos that causes the behavior for several hours. It also allows her to sleep at night, where no Rx or over the counter has any affect.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4151390/

Life is good for Christy and the family.
She was, as described by doctors, 'hellish'.
Now she is a lot of work but she is a 'hoot' and we cherish our days with her.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4062551/
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Are you sure that you're able to handle his care with him being this belligerent? Living with you may not work out and you may have to come up with another game plan.
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I feel your pain. I am going thru this right now also with my husband. It's been so hard but I say the disease is talking and not him. He has began to refuse to bathe more than 2 or 3 times a week, says I am stealing his money, not letting him go where he wants to go, etc. And the insurance he has he denies it's working and wants what his mom and dad had. It isn't available in our county. I've tried changing the subject or telling him I am not doing what he thinks, showing him bank statement, etc. but, he yells at me that I am going along with him and patronizing him. I've finally learned to ignore his rants or walk out of the room. I wish you the best. As others have said, start looking into other options instead of him living with you. It will become a burden that gets worse and you and your husband will find yourselves tied to your home 24/7 365 days a year.
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How about giving him expired cards and invalid checks? If you have POA you might cancel his old account and give him the checks. And I have read other posts where people suggest ways to give patients something to do that keeps their hands busy. Sorting nuts and bolts, buttons, crayons, etc.
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Google Teepa Snow. She is a leading expert on Dementia/Alzheimer’s care. Watch the videos. They really helped me when I had no idea how to handle progressive dementia with my Mom. Remember logic is out the door and will never come back. It’s hard when we can logically think through a problem and our loved ones cannot. I’m praying for you and your family.
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