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My 88-year-old mom has been living alone, independently in a house in the country and has a beloved shitzu she has cared for as well. She was diagnosed with a-fib about 3 years ago, which makes her tire more easily, but has been able to do pretty well. She just had to be hospitalized for 4 and half days with Plural Effusion and diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure.


I am a single, only child and I have to work (she lives a half hour away) and simply can’t take care of her.


Her doctor thinks she will likely get back to how she was before, but right now, I’m not sure. Short of breath, super low energy and her new meds knock her out.


I’m feeling so, so overwhelmed, scared and don’t know what to do even if she is able to get back to pre-hospital state, it’s going to take longer than I can be off work.


I’m so scared… I’m feeling like I’m drowning and trapped without any light at the end of this tunnel. 😢


I don’t know if she can live in a senior living community or if she needs more care than that and don’t know if there is someone who can do an assessment to determine that either.


How do I get 24-7 care here until she is stronger? And then there is her beloved pup, who I can’t care for either due to my long work hours. He’s unfortunately high maintenance and is on meds himself.


Any ideas, words of support greatly appreciated. I’m so scared. 😢 Kelly

You need to keep your own ship upright in this storm, because anything else won't be helpful to your Mom, even if she doesn't like the solution.

It may be best to explain that she *temporarily* needs more help than you can give her. She should hire a companion aid. Agencies are more expensive but provide more conveniences. Or, she think about selling her home and transitioning to a IL community near you, one with a continuum of care levels.

She has options but NONE of them can be you giving up your life and career. She needs to now think deeply and serious and realistically about the fact that seniors need more and more help. Almost no one stays at the same level then magically exits the earth. I'm there too, at 65 I've never had so many health issues in a single year than this one -- and it may or may not change. Your Mom is a grown adult who has had ample time to think this through. But you will need to have the conversation with her that you are not in the mix as her 100% solution. Give her time for this to soak in but defend this boundary. This forum is replete with posts of woe by adult children who were assumed into caregiving and it consumed their lives for the worst.

Make sure your Mom first and foremost has assigned you as her PoA. This is a dealbreaker. It will be exponentially more difficult if she doesn't assign you as her agent. Make sure she understands that without a PoA then the court will appoint a 3rd party guardian and you will have no control over any of her affairs.

After she creates a PoA, a Advanced Healthcare Directive/POLST, a Last Will & Testament then take her for an exam and request a cognitive/memory test so there is a baseline measurement in her chart.

You may need to take some time off (like a week) to help her figure things out. Try to eat the elephant one bite at a time. It will be messy at first but then as you come up with solutions, it will improve. Your Mom may or may not like the options you present her, but it is essential that your caregiving role is not onerous to you. If this happens, it means the arrangement isn't working.

I wish you all the best as you and your Mom work through this.
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Kellylynng Jun 28, 2024
Thank you so much! …for helping understand it’s okay for need to and want to work. She, I believe really does know that and thankfully we have set up the financial POA and Medical DPOA. Yes…feeling lost in the sea of all of this. I’m forcing myself to start with making calls to get some help in as private pay at this point and I did at least call and know her home care benefits, which is 0 copay which covers less than 8 hours a day and must be less than 35 hours per week.

These are very long days and I know I can’t do this for too long, yet my heart is scared and concerned for my mom and Riley my sweet four-legged brother. 😢
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I agree, take one thing at a time. Family leave can be taken in increments.

IMO, at 88 with CHF Mom is not going to bounce back. If Mom can afford Assisted Living, that would be a good choice and she can take her dog with her, if she can care for it. Her meds, if they knock her out maybe they need to be adjusted.

As someone said, have that talk with Mom. Don't ask her to decide right at that time. Tell her " I want you to think about what I am going to say".
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Kellylynng Jun 28, 2024
She has been strong up until now..exercising on the floor daily, eats so healthy…but I feel assisted living would be ideal if she can afford it. 🙏
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1) Have you used up your Family Leave time ? If not get on the horn immediately with HR to get the forms, submit to her primary care, that will buy you I think 3 months off to sort things out.

2) Start shopping for a care agency.

3) Do you have access to a social worker? Can her primary care refer one? She can help you find assisted living facilities,
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sp196902 Jun 28, 2024
Family Leave is usually unpaid. It doesn't sound like OP can afford to take that much time off and not get paid for it. Besides if she uses up all her Family Leave and then there is another crisis with mom (and there will be more crises guaranteed) then what?

Assisted living is good if mom has the money to pay for it. If she doesn't, then what?

The only viable solution I see is that mom needs to sell her house in the country and move closer to services and the OP. A smaller one level apartment would be more affordable than assisted living and it doesn't sound like mom needs to be in a nursing home just yet.
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Is she still a patient in the hospital? If social services hasn't contacted you, ask your mom's nurse to get the ball rolling on that. Social services are a group inside the hospital and they assist families with the very things that are worrying you.

My 91yo mom has A-fib, CHF, a pacemaker, and was discharged after a bout of community-acquired pneumonia with plural effusion. After about a month and a half, she is basically back to where she was before it all happened. I'm not saying your mom can recover like this but don't lose hope just yet.

Maybe (MAYBE) she will be okay going back home with a home health service with some services 100% covered by Medicare. At the least, you can have someone in home to assist her and her dog. I'm a huge pet lover (dogs especially) and my mind immediately thought of doggy daycare as a temporary solution while you're at work.

Good luck. Stay strong!
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Kellylynng Jun 28, 2024
Thank you as well so, so much for hope! I do fell there is definitely possibility she will get much better. She is home and doing just a little bit more every day, but still has congestion and shortness of breath. She been out since Tuesday and it’s now Friday.

Thank you! I’m so grateful to have found this group!
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You've gotten some good advice to consider. I'd only add that you might contact your own physician and request a short term prescription for anti-anxiety meds, as needed, to help get you through this.

It sounds like your mother has been remarkably well all her life, and that this is her first health crisis (?). So of course this crisis inevitably brings up a ton of worries and anxiety ....not only about her mortality but your own mortality, aging, fears about running out of money, balancing career with family, making major decisions for someone else that you love, fear of being alone and in ill health, guilt issues, plus your sheer exhaustion making it harder to think clearly or take action. Okay, come to think of it - that's how I react, but I think it's kind of an universal reaction to this kind of situation.

Of course there are alternatives to tranqs, such as meditation, exercise, massage, therapy, etc. So getting a RX for tranquilizers may not be a good solution for you. But think about what would help you cope with your mom's situation so you can be less afraid.

You will be okay, but I want you to feel this way, too.
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Kellylynng Jun 28, 2024
Thank you so much for understanding my anxiety. I do take some currently and have for many years, up not sure if I should increase or not, yet a good thought.

tahnk for words of encouragement to get through this.🙏
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Where was she sent from hospital? Home? Are you staying there right now with her? Didn't the hospital give you a social worker to help get her placed somewhere with care or a homecare agency? You aren't drowning. It just feels that way. One step at a time. Follow what Geaton and VegasGuy offered. You'll be okay. Hopefully, your mom will be back to her previous self soon, but meanwhile ask for help from social workers and her doctor. They can surely give references for care facilities or homecare. The dog can maybe be taken in by a neighbor or go to a kennel for a week or so. Ask for help wherever you think it can be given.
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You do not mention memory issues so this is pure heart failure. I live in a senior community in my own home. My next door neighbor has multiple heart issues. His family is more than 30 min away. He will check with is neighbors first but does not hesitate to call 911 when he has troubles.
Another person in ny bocce group was newly diagnosed in December. He had your moms symptoms. It too a few weeks for meds to kick in but he is actually back to work.
If you need piece of mind for a sitter for mom check it out but she might be fine soon. She might be able to open up to friends to check on her once in a while.
If your mom is mentally intact she can choose how to handle this. You should have a discussion with her about her expectations
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Kellylynng Jun 28, 2024
Oh that I you for this hope…she is very good mentally…except when her meds make her sleepy, it takes a moment sometimes for her to wake up and get with it.

We are definitely talking about things. She gets we need to do something for my peace of mind and hers.

So appreciate hearing hope, yet whole I take actions.
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Ask her doctor for a formal assessment of whether mom could live in assisted living. In some, she can take her dog with her. Her home in the country could be sold to pay for this. A continuum of care facility would be best for her so that you don't have to find another place for her when she has to step up to a higher level of care.

Anything else - such as your having to make repeated trips to mom's country place or moving her in with you - is way too much for you to handle. If she's in a nice AL, she'll have a community and others to take care of her needs. Obligating yourself to do everything for her for years to come is NOT a good idea.

You say that she's independent - help her to retain as much independence as possible in a place where she'll have professional care. And her dog.
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Kellylynng Jun 28, 2024
Yours is one of the best answers so far for me…thank you so much!! I simply can’t care for her and she knows that. She worries about her pup, but I think she can still care for him in a good continuum of care facility. It would be such peace of mind I think for both of us. I just have to figure out how to get from here to there! That’s where things feel so overwhelming! 😢🙏
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You can call your local Area Agency of Aging . Look on your county website , or your mother’s county. ( I’m not clear where Mom is right now at her house or yours ).

This agency can send a social worker out to do a needs assessment to help you figure out her care needs and if she can go to Independent Living or Assisted Living . Sell her house to pay for it ,

You’ll have to rehome the dog .
Some facilities let you bring pets but your Mom would have to be able to take care of it on her own. Sounds like she can’t do that.

Mom is 88 with CHF , don’t entertain the thought of her going back to her home to live by herself. Because this will happen again where she will end up in the hospital and you will be at square one , overwhelmed .

Mom is declining.

Good Luck .
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waytomisery Jun 28, 2024
You could try assisted living for a few months as a trial to see if Mom improves . Most will do month to month . Then you could reevaluate her level of care needs. If she improves , Maybe she could then go to Independent Living facility .
Maybe you could find one that has both these levels of care.
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Offer someone a room at her House to watch her - rent in exchange for care try Nesterly.com , Next-door .com or Care.com . people are willing to care for someone In exchange for reduced rent .
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JoAnn29 Jun 28, 2024
You can't offer a room in place of care. The live-in is entitled to a salary and time off.
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