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Unless an elderly person has money, there is absolutely no place for them to go when they need to. I’m so fed up. I tour, I'm put on waiting lists that are a year long & I continue to be badgered by this woman. I’m at my end. The Dr’s Office nurse & the senior center nurse check on me to make sure I’m ok & taking care of myself as a caretaker. What a joke!! I’m going crazy! They ignore that answer!!! I’ll die before her & then somebody better do something, she’s not my husbands responsibility. In fact, he got so fed up with her mouth this morning, he left!! Can’t blame him!!! Sorry, had to vent, can’t do this much longer. Where are the resources??

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Try Medicaid. They have homecare. See if Mom qualifies. You maybe able to get "some" help. Maybe enough to get out of the house ffor a while. Services are based on her income. Ask about Daycare. I know, she probably won't go.

There r senior apts that rent is based on income. I think they take a third. I guess you tried Office Of Aging to see about transportation.

Its true. If there is no money, u can't do much. Not sure if she hits the criteria for LTC with Medicaid paying for her care.

So sorry. It can't be easy.
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Lostinva Jul 2019
Thanks for replying. She has Medicaid for LTC. In order to keep her case open I either have to have help in or get paid myself for taking care of her. I’m not big on strangers in my home, besides I do everything anyway!! She goes to a senior center 2 days a week. It’s $40/day so all she can afford a month. I’m looking for respite care so we can go see some grandchildren!!!
Im more frustrated with the waiting lists. The only way she can get in is have a serious enough fall that sends her to rehab & from there go to LTC. They’ve got you either way. Mom can’t live on her own, she can barely get around, can’t get in & out of shower or able to cook for herself
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Not sure about the commenters recommending the ER trick. My jerk of a stepfather-in-law had a fall in the home that he refused to leave (while my MIL, his wife, was in another rehab facility for HER fall). Because he had Parkinsons and couldn't get up so he called 911 and of course they took him to the ER to get "checked out" even though nothing was wrong with him. Since he didn't drive, he had the ER call me and my husband to get him. I told them NOPE cuz we were working at our business 20 miles away (and he was calling us constantly, and he had no money bcuz he didn't work and wasted what he did have). The ER staff were flabbergasted and kept calling me at work. Eventually the sheriff called me and said he was going to drop him off at his house. I said to not do that as he had Parkinsons and could hardly get up any stairs (and he was 6'4" so not easy to "aid"). Long story short they did drop him off in the dark! So we went over & made sure he got into the house. He wasn't living in our house BUT you can't deny someone to come back into the house that they live in, and the police will tell you that.

I realize there are waiting lists for Medicaid rooms so I feel for your situation with burnout. But if you want a break from her yet you don't want strangers in your home, you can't have it both ways so make up your mind. Call social services and see what help they may be able to give you. Do you belong to a church, or place of worship? Call churches to see if any of them can help you, either financially (even for 1 month) or with some in-home help. Try to make tiny baby steps of progress every day, by calling and getting info. Hang in there!
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worriedinCali Jul 2019
I’m glad you shared your story! The 911 trick doesn’t always work. The hospitals here will just call AMR (American medical response, the ambulance company) to take the person home, if the ER doesn’t admit them.
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You didn’t hear this from me but....take her to the Emergency Room for “some” complaint (you can find one). Then tell them that you CAN NOT bring her back to your home. Make up something, your husband has Alzheimer’s, you have sky-high blood pressure and have been told by your doctor that you are spreading yourself too thin and can no longer care for your mother in your home, your youngest child is handicapped and you can no longer care for her AND your mother at the same time, tell them you’ve got a psychiatric condition and you don’t feel safe with her in the house, etc..
What you are doing is forcing their hand to place her (even temporarily). The hospital Social Worker will get involved. She will be the one to find housing for her. What ever you do DON’T take her back with you!!!!!! Refuse to take her, even for a day. Once she is back with you, she’ll be YOUR responsibility again.

It’s so sad to have to do it this way but I’m afraid that there aren’t many other options.
Good luck.
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rovana Jul 2019
I'm not sure about this issue - you can refuse to take the elder back into your house, but can you prevent the elder from returning to THEIR house? IMO this is a huge issue - the elder is not legally incompetent, you do not have guardianship. But in reality, they are incompetent practically speaking. So how do you proceed?  Love to hear some ideas on this kind of issue. Thanks.
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Yes. ER. Lie if you must. Chest pains with shortness of breath, pale, sweaty is the heart attack run. They would have to check out. Then you simply must leave her there and tell them to contact their social worker; that you are ILL and cannot take her home. Do not capitulate to their pleas of "we can make this work" and "we will get you help". They can't and they won't. They will find placement, which is what happens when there IS no family. You must now make them find the placement. You are right that without money you will not find placement, but a social worker will. Tell them if they bring her to your home you will not let them in, that you are ill to the point of being suicidal. I don't care WHAT you say, but make it GOOD and don't back down. Drastic times call for drastic measure. So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone in this country. So sorry.
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rovana Jul 2019
But what about the case where he wants to go to HIS home, not yours?
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Have you asked about getting paid as a “Family Caregiver” for your Mom? Sometimes Medicaid will pay for a family caregiver through a waiver program.

It is hard to let strangers into your home to take care of a loved one, but you might need to do that. As  “Geaton777” stated “if you want a break from her yet you don't want strangers in your home, you can't have it both ways so make up your mind.”

Website:  https://vda.virginia.gov/
The Virginia Division for the Aging is now called The Office for Aging Services of the Division for Community Living, .

Virginia families who care for a loved one with disabilities or chronic conditions can now apply for up to $400 reimbursement to get help taking a break from those duties, under a "limited respite care voucher program" from DARS.

Website:   https://vda.virginia.gov/vlrv.htm
The Virginia Lifespan Respite Voucher Program (VLRVP) provides reimbursement vouchers to Virginia caregivers who resides full-time, in the same household as the person receiving care, for the cost of temporary, short-term respite care provided to individuals, of any age, with a documented disability or special need.

Website:  https://vda.virginia.gov/vcc.htm
Virginia Caregiver Coalition (Our members include family caregivers, disability and aging community agency staff, state agency employees, and university and independent researchers.)

Website: https://www.vda.virginia.gov/familycaregiversupport.htm
National Family Caregiver Support Program (NFCSP)provides a multifaceted support system that helps families sustain their efforts to care for an older individual or child or a relative with severe disabilities.

I realize that none of these websites help to get your Mom into a long term care facility, but at least, they offer you some respite from taking care of your Mom.  As long as you refuse to let strangers into your home and insist on being the only person taking care of your Mom, you are going to feel frustrated, upset, angry and burnt out.  It sounds like your Mom is going to be living with you for some time to come, so please use the resources available to you.  Allow strangers to take care of your Mom before you take your frustration and anger out on your Mom and physically hurt your Mom.
{{{HUGS}}}
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worriedinCali Jul 2019
I think based on her other posts, her mom needs to be in LTC and the OP and her husband are at the end of their ropes and the best thing for all of them is for mom to be placed in LTC. OP is beyond burnt out :(
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Wow!! Your life sounds so much like my own. My mother who is 94 makes me feel so guilty every time I suggest placing her in a facility. I know how you feel but don't know your circumstances. From the posts here which is a great place to vent and ask questions, I find that it takes money a lot of money to resolve an elderly's care solutions. I have a caregiver backup I hired from Catholic Charities for 8.00 an hour. She does not do much but make sure my mother doesn't fall. Better than nothing. This journey is rough so get out of the house as much as you can. Is finding and placing her somewhere an option for you? Good luck!
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Lostinva Jul 2019
EssieMarie, yes, looking for placement in LTC, she has Medicaid for that but no cash for AL. She goes to a senior center that I found, 2-3 times per week from 9-5 so my husband & I have that time to do our errands, have breakfast, lunch out, etc. she hates the rules there but she has no choice, she’s going!! She tries to get out of going but I don’t give her a choice. She’s breathing, no bleeding, no broken bones, she goes!!! Again today, fed up! Always trying to turn family, our friends against me. This woman has never liked me & is in her glory when she can do this. Waiting lists are ridiculously long. I wish she had planned, she’d have the cash to go. Thanks for the support!!!
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I responded in another thread, but take out the nuclear option in necessary. SueC already beat me to it here. ER is the way to go, call 911 when you can justify it. She may be delusional, a danger to herself or others, a flight risk, etc. Have the ambulance transport her, you must stress to them you are unable to safely take care o her and cannot take her home. The hospital will find a bed within days for her long term.
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rovana Jul 2019
Are you referring to HER home, or to YOURS?  How would you prevent her being discharged to HER home?
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