No longer like our relationship with my mom (grandmother) after dad passed. All she does is complain. How should we deal with this?
Hello - I am looking for advice and to see how others might have dealt with "this situation". I did see similar posts, but felt I should share my story. I know that it depends on us to work together and I am not just looking for an answer I want to hear. I sincerely want to see what I, or my mother, can do to improve the relationship (if anything).
Please note that I have told her straight out, "Mom, please, we love you, but all this negativity has to stop. It is driving us crazy. Perhaps we should go see "someone" together just to get another perspective." I get the response, "who?, who am I going to see. They don't know s$#%", etc.
So in short:
WE CAN'T STAND BEING AROUND MY MOTHER ANY MORE . AS HER SON, I FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR HER HAPPINESS
My mom lives by herself, close to me, about a 5 min drive. We do a lot for her, but she does not ask too much from us either. I am not always able to do what she needs when she wants because we are all busy and need to make time to "do things" and my family is "spontaneous", where as my Mom needs "advanced notice" for everything. We really can't ask her to do anything for us.
BUT my situation is that all she does is complain, complain, complain - current events, the HOA, politics, almost anything that is on the NEWS (doesn't matter if it is CNN or FOX lol ). I had to listen (many times) about the party at the clubhouse in her neighborhood and the parking situation and how the HOA does not do its job or how people don't care and double park and ruin her grass. She doesn't talk badly about people, per se, but sometimes she says things that make me shake my head. Overall, she just has such a negative outlook on everything and never looks at the positive or uses a different perspective. A side, this has now come out full force after my dad passed. I believe "this" was always there but dad shielded us from this side and took the brunt of it. Because of this, we try to avoid her calls at times because we don't want to be on the phone for hours listening to the same complaints. We limit time spent together as we don't want to be around her, my kids are now old enough to see this and don't want to be around her either.
My dad has been gone for 3 years and my grandmother (my Mom's mom) shortly passed soon after my Dad. My grandmother passed in her 90s, my dad passed in his mid 70s. Though the last 7 years have been challenging, my mom overall has had a privileged and great life when compared to others who have lost loved ones much earlier (just for some context). We all have grieved, and still are in our own way. I am happily married with grown kids who are all active in school, working, friends. My wife and I run a side business and I have a day job. Needless to say we are a very busy family and do what we can to spend time with my mom, but I always feel it is never enough and the interactions we have are met with anxiety and we just wish it was over. I have tried encouraging her to find a woman's group and she just laughs at it. She does have neighbors/friends and goes out with them to dinner on a regular basis, but she complains about where they go and how early they get home. At the same time, it's not like she would open her mouth to make a change or do anything else as she is very dependent on people and fearful of a lot. She visits my brother in another state (and for the most part has a good time). I am fearful to explain too much to him, as my brother and I had a rocky relationship in the past and the families are getting along great now. I don't want to introduce any friction so that is another story. We took her on vacation recently and had a decent time. Though the interactions we had were anxiety producing and we said never vacstion together again.
I am rambling. My family and I just want to have a relationship with her that is NOT met with so many complaints and negativity. I can add more context later if needed. I just want someone else to talk to.
Thank you.
10 Answers
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You're not going to change Ma. She's who she is and a kill joy. You don't need to add context for my sake, anyway, I get it. 100% and then some. These types of women just want an audience to listen to them complain and carry on. And tell them THEY are right and everyone else is wrong. Yeah ma, you're right. Mary is wrong. The HOA is a bunch of horses asses. The neighbors are a bunch of bores who need to be in bed by 9 pm, yawn. Not party animals like YOU who could stay up till 11 pm easy peasy. And God forbid they try a NEW restaurant that doesn't offer Early Bird specials. That might cost them an extra 5 spot and ya can't have that, nope. Am I right? Cause that's how it was when my mom and dad lived in FL and had the garage parties and went on cruises with the neighbors. Ma would come back carrying on at the top of her lungs about how their bill at the end of the trip was ZERO b/c 'ya fatha is THAT CHEAP that he won't spend even a NICKEL on the ship.' And our friends, they're soooo boring and I'll never neveer EVA go on another cruise again, I'M DONE, they're so boring.
And so it went. Until their next cruise. For decades.
There's nothing you can do but cut down your exposure to the toxic waste. That's the truth. You can't fix things that are this etched in stone, I'm afraid.
And don't bother telling her she's being negative. She'd say, "What me? Negative? Are you kidding? I'm not COMPLAINING. I'm TALKING, that's all, for godsake. Excuse me for livin'."
I may be off base with my take on all this, but if not, you know the drill as well as I do. I was totally ineffective getting my mother to change ONE SINGLE IOTA about herself for the 95 years she was alive. And things got MUCH worse after dad died because he was her buffer. Once the buffer is gone, there's nothing between the toxic spewage and you, where once there was dad. Sad, I know.
Good luck, brother.
You describe it sooo well.
The drama, the queen & her audience..
🤣🤣🤣
😭😭😭
Is Mom still capable of doing things you suggest. Anything from book club to gardening to knitting to--well, ANYTHING?
If she is, then Mom is responsible for herself, and responsible to choose to get out there and do things, or not.
I am certain along with all else you have suggested you have sat with Mom and said to her "Mom, you have had heartbreaking losses. It would be normal to have a lot of depression with these life changes. Would you consider speaking with your Doc because sometimes a mild anti-depressant can help build a sort of bridge over this grief. We know life is tough right now, but at times repeating negative stuff to everyone just reinforces it; it becomes a habit that is hurting you, and making others wish to avoid you. Would you consider therapy with a Licensed Social Worker in private practice, who specializes in life transistions and grief work? I could help you find someone."
If none of this works then do know that you may have to step back and let Mom find her way. Often families are the WORST at dealing with this. Friends can and often LOVE to hear other friends' woes. They love to commiserate. In short they DON'T PICK UP THE LUGGAGE. They just go on with their own day.
Families on the other hand feel responsible to make it all right and trust me, you can't. Families try to FIX IT.
I don't know about Mom BEFORE all these losses. Was she a happy woman who did happy talk? And now she is much changed? Or was she always this way.
Get on with your own life a bit more now. Tell Mom that your visits and her repetitive negativity isn't help you, but more importantly isn't helping HER at all. These are tough times in our country and my partner "does" a whole lot more TV than I do. I am down to an hour of NPR in a.m. and one in the p.m. I may miss news, but at 80 it is no longer "my world". It belongs to another generation. And for me it is now the garden, the sticker books, the solitaire, the pod casts, a couple of movies, the walks, the library, my kindle, cooking up a pot of pasta sauce or beans, whatever brings me joy. My one life. I am still on my feet and so thankful. I have had losses, yes. But those I love still travel with me.
I wish you so much luck. Basically:
1. Speak gently and lovingly (not critically) with Mom, sympathizing, but making clear her attitude is hurting herself and others and she is responsible for that or will slowly lose folks.
2. Encourage her to reach out for help with MD and therapist.
3. Begin to learn not to pick up the luggage; get on with your own life. Take Mom to lunch. Make calls and visits that are going South into negative territory VERY SHORT.
4. Know that some never come out of losses. But you can't change that.
I sure do wish you good luck! I hope you will update us.
I have known her for 47 years--2 years longer than I've known my DH! I worked at the grocery store where she shopped and she was well known as a 'difficult customer'. Nobody wanted to see her in their line!!
So 2 years after, when I 'met her' as my DH's mother, I was actually kind of terrified. I tried, and tried and tried to MAKE her like me (forget about 'loving' me or the grandkids I gave her) she just kind of hates everyone.
She was 44 when I met her. Still just a young thing! (My oldest daughter is 45! ) My MIL acts old, talks old and hates everything.
When she and FIL finally got divorced, 30+ years ago, she did go to some counseling, but it was an epic waste of time. She felt that she was a victim and still feels that way. Even though she has had a lifetime of possible joy and love, she has pushed it aside to dwell in anger and vitriol. She refused anti depressants, saying she was "fine" and only crazy people (like me) would take those kinds of meds. She does take Valium, but very little and only when she knows she's going to have to leave the house.
I was asked to leave her home 2 years ago and I gladly complied. I have not seen or spoken to her in 2 years, and I do not expect to ever see of speak to her again. This brings her joy, knowing I will never darken her door.
She has zero hobbies. No friends, is on speaking terms with one neighbor and never leaves the house.
Dh goes once a month, on a Saturday and takes her lunch. He has learned that he can take 2 hrs with her and that's it. He has quit trying to 'make her happy' because at 92--it isn't going to happen.
I know I sound totally negative about this--but 46 years of trying to please this woman--or even just have ONE visit/party/whatever without her loudly complaining about me would really be nice. But I'm realistic. At some point, you simply have to let go and let them be who they are.
I don’t feel that you are responsible for her happiness. You are also not responsible for your wife or children's happiness. You are in fact responsible for your own happiness though.
I am a firm believer if someone is making you miserable or giving you anxiety, to limit interactions. At the rightful age of 63, I have learned no one takes up residency in my head rent free and steals my peace.
Going on what you've explained here, My guesses are:
-She likes the attention she gets from complaining.
-She is depressed or still grieving, and wants everyone to feel as bad as she does.
-She is trying to tell people she is unhappy/depressed/scared, but she doesn't have the words or ability to express that. So she lashes out.
Doing anything to make her happy won't work maybe because it frustrates her. Like "See how crappy I feel?! Why are you disregarding that?!"
No point in getting her to talk to you or a therapist. Even she may not understand why she complains like she does.
So it comes down to changing your way to respond to it. You are not responsible for her happiness, and there is no point in trying. As for responding, I don't know. If you visit or she calls you and it's all complaints, could say something like "Mom, it sounds like you're in a bad mood. I'll call/visit when you're feeling better." Ignoring it likely won't work, since she'll feel she is not getting through to you, conveying her feelings.
The elder is lonely, lost a spouse, possible falled into depression plus losing independence & lost interest in social activities.
That complaining at everything? IMHO this is depression - before the real rot sets in, the 'take to your bed inability to move' type.
How to fix?
The elder has to take responsibility for their OWN mind & mood.
As the son (or daughter, friend, neighbour, anyone) it is NOT your responsibility to make her happy. This comes from HER. From how she thinks about her life. Her complaints are telling her she is not happy - can she tune in see she has the power to MAKE CHANGES to her life?
That is #1 step out of the pit of doom: taking responsibility for one's self.
I was shown a staircase picture once, starting from: 'I won't, I can't. It goes on to: I want to, how do I make changes? I'll try, I can do it, I will do it, ending with: I did it!
We cannot change other people. BUT. You can change your own approach. I personally could not take all that misery either. I would turn every complaint to her. "What would you like to DO about that?" She may even laugh & say well nothing really! OK so forget it. But you may find where she is on that staircase..
You are her son. You are not required to fix her every problem. Tell her this if you like (kindly). But you can help her to talk to her Doctor, a sympathetic councillor who deals with older people & life changes. You can help her move to somewhere with more social contact & support as time goes on too.
Does any of that make sense?
Just today she asked me if she could help me peel the eggs I was working on. I said, nope, you always complain when you peel my eggs so no thanks. She just looked at me weird. With her dementia, she probably doesn't remember always complaining but I just can't freakin take it. I'd rather do it all myself then listen to how HARD it is to peel these eggs!!!!
Good luck.
If you are sitting and talking to her either in person or on the phone if she starts to complain tell her to stop and if she doesn't you will hang up. If she continues hang up. No good bye just hang up. If she calls back and says you got disconnected tell her that you hung up just like you said you would.
Same thing if you visit. If she starts tell her you are not going to listen to negativity and if she continues you will leave. then follow through.
You do mention in your profile that she has depression. Is she currently seeing a doctor/therapist? If so if you have the ability to contact them it might be worth a mention that her outlook has not improved. It may take more therapy and or an adjustment to medication if she is on any and if she isn't it might be something to consider.