Unitetogether Asked September 2020
No more sex ever for me??
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My husband who is 60 is bedridden and I am his "caregiver". I haven't had sex for 3 years now and it's really bothering me. He doesn't even bring the topic up, try to kiss me, (he could if he wanted), no holding hands, never wants to snuggle (I have asked), nothing. He is okay with it. I'm not. I want more than just kisses and snuggling however don't even get that. What is the healthy spouse to do? Sad, thinking I will never be loved in that way by a man again. I would love to hug a man, kiss, and you know.. I can't be the only one out there in the same situation. .
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I, too, have a brother/sister relationship with my DH. 7 years. I'm sad and lonely for affection, even just hand holding would be nice. He's in too much pain all the time for anything...I also suspect impotence, but he will not talk about it. I broached the subject once and he blew up.
If you really need more from a relationship now then it may be time to get out of this relationship. If your husband were NOT ill, you would not hesitate, if I am right. You describe someone who is not only unable to give SEX, which wouldn't be unusual, but who honestly has no cuddling nor any affection. That makes you an unpaid caregiver.
He is only 60 which makes me ask how young you are. Let me assume you are his same age. You want affection. Are you to be expected to live 2 decades without it.
We all have differing needs. Many are satisfied to be good "companions" and a support to one another. And many are NOT willing to give up a normal life.
Perhaps you are looking at a placement situation, even a divorce. Or are looking at placement and then having really your own life, joining clubs you may enjoy, whatever, where you will share affection.
I think you will have to handle this your way and would support any way you choose.
You say in your profile that your hubby suffers from depression, among other things. Does he also have an anxiety disorder? They often go hand-in-hand. My daughter suffers from anxiety/depression. When she is having an attack, she often doesn't want to be touched, held, hugged, etc. It's almost like she curls up into herself as a defense response. She was much more like that before she was on medication, which, while not perfect, has made a world of difference for her!
Is your husband on medication for the depression? If not, that's the first place I would start with a doctor. Depression can be such a driving factor in every aspect of someone's life, affecting your physical health as well as mental health. And if he is on medication, and it's one of the side effects, there might be help for that, too. Talk to his doctor about all of this. At this point, you really have nothing to lose, as you said you're very young to be looking at a life without physical affection...
Good luck!
I also miss the kind words, affectionate hugs, the smiles.
don’t know which I miss more.
Unite, do you know what's causing these difficulties? And, how were things before he got ill?
Another tried for years to discuss her needs, the lack of intimacy & his refusal for councelling (?depression). He eventually said do what you like & after much councelling, eventually she did (friend with benefits). Sadly the fallout broke the marriage.
Way back in history, for those with money, I suppose an attractive Footman, or even an acquaintance's husband was a little distraction - but left the marriage intact. (Or maybe I watch too many BBC period dramas).
But it's not a laughing matter, could increase depression for the OP. Maybe a good councellor to discuss next steps?
I keep thinking of Mrs Patrick Campbell's (?) description of marriage as "the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue." But then I'm not sorry to have left the whole undignified palaver behind, and clearly for the OP it is a very different story.
Clearly, too, the OP doesn't just want a rumpus. She wants her *husband* to get back to wanting a rumpus. So shouldn't we be helping her work through what's bothering him?
Now I'll be looking at all the royal third children in a new way...
pa·lav·er
/pəˈlavər,pəˈlävər/
INFORMAL
noun
1.
unnecessarily elaborate or complex procedure.
"there's a lot of palaver involved"
2.
HISTORICAL
an improvised conference between two groups, typically those without a shared language or culture.
...just in case anyone besides me was wondering.
Those that have suggested having someone else on the side, while still married, is just wrong. I believe the Bible calls that adultery. If you can't live without sex, buy yourself a vibrator.
My husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48, one and a half years after we were married, and we were never able to have "sex" after that.(that was 24 1/2 yrs ago) We initially sought treatment, but when nothing worked, we just decided to make the best of it. It was definitely harder on me than him, but over time I got used to it. Thankfully for me though he would still hold my hand, give me hugs when I needed them, and kiss me, even after he became bedridden in 2018.
My husband died this week, Monday, and I am grateful and honored that I was able to uphold the vows we took 26 years ago.
And maybe instead of asking your husband for what you need, you might just have to initiate things and see where it takes you.
Condolences on the loss of your husband.
Your husband may feel very badly about being impotent, but he ought to be open to talk about it. You are already feeling resentful about this, and it won’t improve unless you can work things out between you – he should be willing and able to make you physically happy in bed without full-on sex. His lack of concern for you is at least as important as the sex.
Your marriage really is at risk, and ‘friends with benefits’ are not likely to reduce the risk. It really might be worth looking for a marriage counselor before things get worse. That might help him to talk, and to realise that he has a lot to lose.
I think that situation is quite different to the OP's situation, due to the health issues. What about stroke, Parkinson's, dementia, cancer, MS - so many awful things that rob us of our health.
I do not know the answer.
Symptoms of depression for men can be loss of interest in sex, fatigue, apathy. Men tend to be withdrawn and irritable. If he’s on anti-depressants, those, too, can have similar consequences. Men tend to deny having problems because they are supposed to be strong. Most men don’t admit to sexual problems. Your husband might be embarrassed by his nonperformance so just denies any problems. It’s not a subject men were taught to express. For men, depression is a stigma that degrades their manhood. I’m not defending your husband’s lack of intimacy, I don’t know him, nor do I agree with him not showing you any affection. So you decide, but “friends with benefits”, in my mind, is a “pseudo” divorce. Satisfying one’s libido may result in feelings of guilt and regret.
So get some counseling and then decide. It’s tough. I wish you well.
My husband now he has dementia and doesn’t worry about anything. He’s the happiest guy around while I’m drowning in responsibilities and frustration at all the repetitive questions/stories and idiotic conversations. He can’t help the way he is now, but he certainly didn’t need to waste the 10-15 years before he got dementia because his ego was too fragile to admit he needed help.
How was your marriage before your husband became bedridden?
I was in an a physical, verbal and emotional abusive situation from my husband for 40 years. Then he wondered why I wasn't interested in sex! I have a narcisstic friend who is now a caregiver to her husband. All she does is complain to him and about what she has to do to care for him, while she gets nothing out of it. No wonder he doesn't want sex!!
It's not always the person's fault who doesn't want sex. Don't know your situation but am just saying....
So sorry. My DH and I have been dealing with prostrate problems for years. It took him 3 yrs to finally do something about it.
Your right, it's up to you to make that decision, it being your life.
Take care,
Unite
He probably has some depression, and feels more like a patient then a husband at this point...
I doubt there is much you can do at this point, either accept the facts or look for affection outside , but I bet you would feel guilty if you did that..
Good luck either way....
Find a man to have sex with. A younger man would be great.
Think of me what you will.. skin hunger is real and exists.
Your husband is too sick to respond.
You are his CG now and he doesn't thinl that way anymore.
What is your husband's life expectancy? Maybe you are too young to rule out ever being loved that way by a man again. I've had the joy of seeing a number of friends get a second chance at love after their spouse had died.
I feel your pain❤️ I can’t speak wholeheartedly to how a man thinks but I can say I empathize. I think in a mans mind if they can’t perform they feel so guilty that they just do nothing. I have been where you are and it’s sad and maddening. It’s like they think if they can’t give you a steak dinner you don’t want the crumbs...we are starving for crying out loud, give us crumbs!
I cried out that statement for some time but it didn’t seem to register or registered and the guilt of not being able preform like he wanted to was too much.
If you haven’t talk with him. I would also suggest telling him how much you love and desire him.
Compliment him, tell him he’s sexy, initiate intimacy. Lay a big fat sloppy kiss on him and see how he reacts. Sit and hold his hand and tell him how good it feels.
A person who is wholly dependent upon another and dealing with issues that make them feel like only a shell of a man (not my words but husbands) really has trouble getting past it.
I am so sorry. Being in a sexless marriage is so hard and I know the struggle. I grieve that loss quite often and I know it can be consuming. You clearly love your husband and I am so sorry for your struggle.
If you don’t have a counselor May I suggest getting one for yourself. Also, masturbation is thought of as taboo to talk about but you have needs and that may be one way to meet a need partially.
God bless you and sustain you through this❤️