No more sex ever for me??

Try teletherapy!

If my husband were terminally ill I wouldn’t be thinking about sex with someone else . we take vows for a reason ...

I'm shocked at attitude on here . Go see your dr , maybe they can calm UR hormones ... GEEZ ...

My neighbor developed early-onset Alzheimer's at age 55 - his wife is taking care of him (along with paid help since she works) and her "boyfriend" moved into the house. I find it appalling. She says her husband doesn't seem to be cognizant it's her romantic partner but who knows? What happened to vows...in sickness and in health, for better and for worse? I wonder how SHE would feel if the situation is reversed. Yes, life can throw some curve balls, but that's LIFE. That's why we commit to another person. Just like if our child is born with disabilities - we don't abandon him/her because it's hard or the child doesn't show us affection. It's just selfish.

I think what you are seeking is intimacy in your relationship. That is completely natural to want that and to miss it. So sorry that you lost that with your husband.

I feel you have deep feelings for him, love him as you always have but things have changed and has caused you to question the situation. I bet anyone would have concerns if they were in your shoes.

Who knows what the answer to this is? I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you for your thoughts on this matter.

It’s extremely personal and I think you are brave to be open enough to bring it to this forum to be discussed. Others have brought up this subject and it’s always been a controversial topic to say the least.

Only you can decide what is right for you. I understand that you would like feedback and whatever decision you come to I hope somehow you are able to find peace in your life.

I don’t think any of us could imagine how you feel unless they have been where you are.
Best wishes to you.

Just think about if no one ever got married! Would we be having this discussion then? Okay I was being sarcastic. Sorry...

By the way, as most of you already know, I am happily married and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

As I said earlier, this topic is VERY controversial. I just thought I would lighten the mood a bit. In no way do I mean to offend the OP or anyone else for that matter.

Lots of interesting feedback as usual when this subject hits the forum!

Your the first woman I have heard complain of this. I am glad to hear there are some women that still have a desire for intimacy. The fact that you are willing to be flexible about this and not expecting superman performance your husband should put his ego and pride aside and do what is the natural thing which is to pay attention to his wife as much as his physical being will allow. Perhaps you could contact a thereapist. Perhaps they would come to the house to chat with you and your husband. Or bring up to your husbands Dr. Im sure he/she would be happy to discuss this. Im sure some people will suggest you go outside the marraige for this attention. I think that is just asking for trouble.

If your husband is bedridden at the age of 60, I am sure he is trying to wrap his head around that and not thinking about sex. Most people are still very active and working at the age of 60.  I would be DEVASTATED if that were me.  Maybe you can help him by getting him some therapy to help him deal with the cards he has been dealt....that both of you have been dealt.  You don't mention his mental status..does he have dementia or is this just a physical disability?  I would start with therapy and go from there. I don't want to downplay your sexual needs, but I feel there may be a lot going on here that has not been dealt with yet.

Dear "Unitetogether,"

I commend you for expressing such personal thoughts and feelings to a forum of strangers. I'm sure you must be overwhelmed by the avalanche of advice/suggestions you've received.

Also, I just wanted to validate your feelings (and I don't mean you need "my" personal validation - just generally speaking) so they are acknowledged for what they are - not adding to or taking away from what your post says. You are consumed by the fact you think you will "never" be loved in that way by a man ever again which only exacerbates those strong feelings.

First, you've admitted that not having sex for 3 years "IS" bothering you. Second, you've said he won't or can't bring the topic up, try to kiss you, hold hands or snuggle. You say you've "asked" and get no response. And now that brings us down to the fork in the road - he going to the left with his being "okay" with it and you going to the right with your "not being okay" with it.

I feel your desperation trying to "figure" it all out to the point where you can't see the forest for the trees. I keep being haunted by what "Heather10" mentioned - that being, if he's feeling so much pressure from you that he may feel anything he does won't be "enough" leaving him with "anxiety performance" issues. Have you tried the opposite approach? Not saying anything, not making advances, kind of just going about your day in a nonchalant way and see what he does/doesn't do? Has he been generally quiet in the past about any type of issues/problems because if so, then it would be how he responds normally and even more so in this situation (I'm not asking for these answers to your personal life, I'm just saying things to ask yourself). Does he have an "avoidant attachment" style? If he does, the number one thing they say not to do is - chase them.

I briefly went through this when I was a caregiver for my dad in my parent's home six days a week until he died (I was 41 at the time). My husband was the one who wanted to be intimate one week later. I couldn't - I was in such shock and grief and "NUMB." I know he felt what you felt, after all rejection is rejection no matter what form it comes in. I did tell him "why" though and he was very patient and understanding as it was my first death as well. I retreated into myself as that was the only way I could process some of the grief. I needed some space to wrap my mind around what just happened because it was life altering. So in my situation, at some point, I told him I needed to take things slow and offered to just take a bath together with some soft music and candles and he was fine with that idea.

All in all, I think a professional counselor is needed but, no you are not alone - it may be that it's just not often talked about as other things are within the caregiving realm. Wishing you both well as you continue to find a way to work this out!

I have not been married. I am still as I was born.
I took care of my mother. I was her company and caregiver until the end. I am proud of that.

I am in no position to judge anybody who has been married, but as the other forum participants are saying, if you are married, you are married for a reason. You have vows and God committed you to each other.

Do not be selfish. Your Husband is sick and bedridden!! That is hard enough.
As for you... my suggestion is to give it to the Lord, take up your cross and rejoice in remembering it is for your soul and the Lord. This shall pass. Remember that. Then......you will have no regrets and no guilt. Love your husband unconditionally until the end. Whatever the way. Leave your personal desires aside for a little bit.

The Lord be with you.

This must be difficult for the both of you. In the late 1970s, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and the doctors did a radical masectomy. I have nothing left up there. I did not want my husband to touch me. It was not him, it was me and my feelings of being not sufficient or desireable. The more and more he tried, the more and more I pushed him away. Only crazy people I knew seen a therapist so I did not go to one. My husband ended up getting a mistress and we divorced. If I could go back, I think I may have went to a therapist.

Unitetogether....
I am sure you have seen answers from both sides of the fence. Some say..Suck it up kid, this is the way it is going to be if you are going to honor your vows....
Some say...you are young there is nothing wrong in finding someone to fulfill the wants, needs, desires that you (we all want and need)..
So with all this advice you are firmly sitting on the edge of the fence. Teeter one way and one camp is going to find fault, teeter the other way and the other camp will find fault.
As you can see this is a no win situation for everyone but you.
You do what you feel is right for you at the time. Do not let anyone else make you feel guilty and for that reason I suggest that you discuss this with no one (other than your doctor) No one can "make" you feel guilty that is an emotion that comes from within.

i can thouroughly sympathize with your situation unitetogether, my guy is a vet with ptsd and sex is the last thing on his mind, dont know if this will help u but a friend of mine made a suggestion and so far its ok, think back to the days when u were all ok, and just play with yourself to relieve the "in the mood" .my sisters hubby had brain cancer and all the complications that go with it, mini strokes etc and resigned herself to taking care of him for 15 years, 2 years ago he passed and she had 2 years to herself b4 this corona virus took her out and on her way out she said, the universe just wants me to b with him, i understand the "numbing" feeling, dad passed in 1998, mom passed 2016 and brother with all his medical issues going on could go any time then there will b only my brother left. my brother is his other brothers cartaker and u can see the toll its taking on his health, thinning him out. i got lucky financially and can help him out, the universe works in strange ways.

Men can have disinterest in intimacy if they feel stressed or have a low testosterone level I am not sure why your husband is bedridden but I have know plenty of older patients (I am an RN) that had no problem being suggestive and playful towards me (never encouraged this behavior or cooperated either). I suggest you talk to your husband's doctor for help determining a cause for his disinterest. If it is psychological, you may consider couples therapy with a licensed psychiatrist.

Unitetogether, I have the opposite problem. I had a hysterectomy 3 years ago, and there is no "sparkle" for me any more. Part of it may be stress and grief, as in that time I lost my job, became caregiver to my husband while he died of throat cancer, also became caregiver to my friend Richard who has just been placed on Hospice....I was seeing a therapist for bit, and she mentioned that the "caregiver role" brings us into the "Mommy" role, and both the carer and the recipient have a hard time getting around that image of the loving Mommy who is wholesome and pure and sweet...as the recipient of your care, your husband may be stuck in that mental role of "Mom is untouchable". He may have a hard time seeing you as the sexy, vibrant, loving woman he married, especially if he is having any cognitive issues.

When you get to a certain point, you may ask, do I owe him the rest of my life as a constant caregiver. I know there are people who will be appalled at this attitude, but we only live once. Most of us would have had 2nd thoughts when we took our vows if we knew we were agreeing to a life of caregiving for the last half our life! My wife has stage 1 or 2 alzheimers for past 10 years and it doesn't worsen but never better. My Golden years have tarnished terribly. I recommend you lay it out to family that you are going on extended leave and he is their responsibility. When someone else takes over your duties a few weeks, he will no longer miss you, and you can reclaim what is left of your life. I wish I had done this 20 years ago when our marriage was already dead!

This is a thought on the subject of how things like this topic become so controversial. We are an evolving society.

Years ago people stayed in rotten marriages because it simply wasn’t acceptable to divorce but even then people made their own personal changes in the relationship. For instance my husband’s grandmother was a mean woman.

There isn’t any other way to describe her. If her husband tried to show any affection she would shun him. I saw this many times over the years.

He would try to put his arm around her and she would slap it off. If he went to kiss her she turned her head and he got a cold cheek.

So, naturally he finally gave up. They slept in separate bedrooms for decades. In other words, they lived together separately. He died a broken man which broke my heart because he was so sweet.

Everyone loved him. No one thought much of her. All she did was demoralize him in front of everyone. She criticized everyone. She had no friends. He had many friends.

My mother in law took after her dad. She was kind. She was an only child. The joke was that her mom came home from a party tipsy and that is how their daughter was conceived.

My mother in law would cry in her room as a child wishing they would get a divorce so her father could be happy. As an adult she prayed that her mom would die first so he could live happily for a few years. He died first.

He worked until his late 70’s to escape her cruelty. He took the streetcar to his office every single day. My mother in law was devastated.

Fortunately, they had plenty of money. She refused to leave her big house uptown so they hired two live in caregivers. God bless those caregivers! They were angels to put up with her crap.

She still had her housekeeper coming three days a week that were ordered to polish the silver and wash the crystal every week! She was a hateful woman.

Thank God. nowadays couples go to counseling and sometimes they are able to reconcile. If not they can divorce and end the misery. It is acceptable to divorce without the stigma it once held.

Same with the OP’s case. Some people see it as an evolutionary change in our society. Others cannot wrap their heads around it and therefore choose not to accept a person wanting a possible relationship with another person to feel the human touch again. To each his/her own.

I often think of John Lennon’s song, Imagine. Some think he was an atheist because of the lines,

Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today

He wasn’t an atheist. He was spiritual, just not in a traditional sense. He was a searcher, a deep thinker, a philosopher of sorts. He was being honest about his feelings and simply asking the world to Imagine along with him. He didn’t like that religion was being used to hurt and control others.

elainesc

I would like to send you a message. If you are ok with it, can you send me a private message with contact info? Thank you so much.

I read your response and am crying. I'm so sorry for your loss. Bless you and you keep holding your head up high. You are a special, special lady. :)

Thats a good Question...Has your husband had a physical?..to rule out low T.? Or any other physical or emotional problems...You say he's "bedridden"..by what medical problem?...Is he able to make decisions for himself?...or are you his POA?......What are your moral/spiritual beliefs?...I'd suggest counseling for you...did you both take a vow of " for better or worse for all time"?...Best to You...Hope you find the answer.

'reply' isn't an option on my reading of Elaine's posts--and this is an earnest, respectful question to Elaine: I truly don't know what / can't decipher what your 'hahaha' responses mean. I, for myself, would appreciate a more articulate post of your thoughts on the subject. Are you mocking, or supporting? I really do follow the responses with close interest, so hahahaha sort of frustrates me!

Maybe I shouldn’t post this but I think you will agree it’s fascinating.

Stephen Hawking had a strong interest in sex! Indeed, he had a brilliant mind but his ‘needs’ and appetite for sex were most definitely there in spite of his many physical issues.

He had an extremely strong will. He lived so much longer than the doctors predicted. He had two wives and later a girlfriend.

I remember his first wife found it very labor intensive to have sex with him. He fathered children. He was an amazing man in many ways. Nothing stopped him from living his life. He had a wicked sense of humor.

His wife had an affair so she could be loved physically like she desired. Ahhhh, life can become complicated.

So, this is a highly individual matter. Some such as Hawking don’t lose desire until the very end.

Others who are capable physically are just not interested.

Okay, anyone want to give a shout out for Tony Randall? He married his second wife when she was 25 and he was 75! He had his first child at 77!

Wow!!! Some men at an older age have lots of desire!

Please remember that I am just thinking out loud and being funny. I am not comparing it to the OP’s situation.

There is humor in a lot of situations. Sometimes a person either laughs or cries or both.

I do feel that they were an interesting couple. Many assumed she just wanted money but she is nothing like Anna Nicole Smith. She and Tony had acting in theaters in common. She has used the inheritance to support the theater.

She had an open mind and accepted love from an older man. They had certain generational differences. She liked rock. He liked the opera. But they seemed to adore one another. She hasn’t remarried. Who knows how love will show up in people’s lives?

She didn’t have ‘daddy’ issues or was a gold digger. He saw an opportunity and obviously went for it. He did not have children with his first wife and wanted that. He appeared to be madly in love with her and his children.

From what I see in life and in the media, society pretty much accepts anybody having relationships and sex with anybody nowadays. But not if you're a caregiver. Then you're supposed to be this completely selfless creature and never ask for anything for yourself. How dare you think about your own needs, when your spouse is sick? How could we be so selfish? So what if you're lonely or heartbroken or have a body that still remembers what it is missing. Too bad. This is now your role in life. You're not a real person any more. You're just a caregiver.
 
How many people do you know personally who have divorced over something not half as difficult as what we are going through? They took vows, too. Did everyone condemn them? No, because that would be "judging". But when we are caregivers, there is an entirely different standard. 
 
No, I haven't had an affair or any other sort of relationship outside of my marriage. Don't plan to. But I'm just a little tired of the standards that caregivers are held to, while the rest of the world goes out and does pretty much anything they want.

I don't get what Alzspouse is saying about caregiver "standards". What standards? Who set them? I don't think society sees caregivers that way. The standard for caregiving is set by the caregiver. They set the boundaries. They need to be aware of their caregiving limits. They decide when to "give up". There are a lot of sacrifices in caregiving, intimacy being one of them. We all want happiness and your feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. So the caregiver is in a catch 22 sometimes. Stay the course and continue to feel the loneliness, or find a friend and possibly live with the guilt of deception. I don't have the answer. The decision comes when we are totally honest with ourselves and choose a course we can live with. Forget societies' standards. You set your standards. Good luck.

Unite you wrote in a response to someone: "...he won't even try. That is my husband I know. And I don't want to be his mommy. I have great parents already. I want to be on my own I know. Deep inside I know this..." You have answered your own question. And what struck me was how simply and honestly you wrote: "I want to be on my own I know. Deep inside I know this." Go with your gut instinct.

Don't hesitate to trust yourself. Leaving a dysfunctional relationship takes a lot of courage. Also, time is precious. It's going to take time to extricate yourself from your current situation and then start building the life *you* want for yourself.

It sounds like you are asking permission to enjoy yourself and your body.
What do you want to do?

I know exactly how you're feeling. My wife has Parkinson's with dementia and her dementia causes her to see different versions of me. Her doctor diagnosed her with Capgras syndrome which, in short, means that she doesn't know her main caregiver or sees that person as other people / strangers. We used to have a very active sex life but that has disappeared the last 2 years and her doctor said she won't ever get better. We really enjoyed our sex life and we kept ourselves in great shape running and exercising. I've tried to get her to participate but she politely declines saying she would feel guilty for cheating on her husband (she thinks I'm living elsewhere and will come back for her sometime soon). Her doctor says she probably won't ever "see" me again. I miss sex and the closeness of it. We are in our mid 60's but, as I said, we used to really enjoy our bodies. The last 2 years have been extremely difficult in that area. I know this isn't an answer for you but I just wanted you to know that there is someone who shares your frustration.

Oh dear. This is not Tinder folks.

Dear Unitetogether,
I write from the perspective of the patient who has a little different opinion than many on this subject. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ coming up on 5 yrs ago. I stopped driving 11 mos ago. I am 61, my DW is 53. I've made it clear to her that when I am institutionalized and no longer able to be a companion, husband, and lover, go on and find another man you are interested in dating and developing a relationship with. I want her to enjoy her best years with someone that is able to engage her intellectually, enjoy traveling like we have, be a good companion and enjoy life.
I have told our adult children, when mom decides she wants company with another man, let her do so without giving her any grief. Let her build a new life with someone else that is as great as our life was before, I was place in LTC.
We've done all that needs to be done securing her financial needs. We've done all we need to do with most of the legal affairs, we expect them to be tidied up in the next 6 mos or so. I sleep well knowing we've talked things over and taken action to put everything we've acquired in a Trust in her name, paid off the house, have almost no debt, and she is financially secure.
I know I've moved on down the line in terms of my status with ALZ, I'm having another Neuro-Psych Exam in a couple of weeks, to define where I am at. We've practiced our faith together since we started dating and I wouldn't change a thing. I wish you the best Unitetogether. Don't be afraid to look out for your happiness when you are ready to.
God Bless you.

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