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Good afternoon,
So far I have posted twice about my situation( very briefly, I live with my 82 year old mother and am in a blossoming relationship).
Here it is: I’ve decided on taking the next step and moving out of the house. However, in a place of my own. Although the man I am with will eventually be my husband, I don’t believe it’s wise to jump from the frying pan to the fire. It’s more of a stepping stone, little steps.
I have already alerted one of my siblings and the rest will know soon enough. My partner is fully on board.
I have a tentative plan to move out within 3-6 months, to allow everyone time to be on the same page and to make sure my mother’s wishes up stay in her house and her needs are met to the same level as they are now.

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Yay! So happy to hear about this.

(I just want to add one little thing- NEVER let your mother move in with you and husband once you get out on your own. NEVER.)

Congratulations and please let us know how things are going!
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Reply to LostinPlace
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I think this is great news. It is exactly what I would have recommended. If I didn't already! Best of luck and thanks for the update. Keep us posted. Pulling for you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Well good for you for finally figuring out that you deserve a life away from your mother, but I'm not going to hold my breath that you'll actually go through with it, especially since you said that you "have a tentative plan to move out within 3-6 months."
Why is your plan "tentative" and why does it have to take 3-6 months?
If you really want to take your life back it can happen a whole lot quicker than 3-6 months, and with a bit more tenacity instead of being "tentative."
But from what you wrote, I gather that you are not one to do things quickly but would rather take "little steps" or in other words play it safe, instead of jumping in with both feet.
It'll be interesting to see how that woks for you.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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brainybird66 Sep 3, 2024
Well, it’s a big adjustment for both of us and the other consideration deals with the house itself, which is in a trust. I just don’t think it’s fair to pull the rug out from under her without getting all of my siblings and partner on board with a concrete plan in place. It may be as little as 2-3 months.

I’ve been living with her for years, but it’s only in the last 5 years or so that things have escalated to this point.

As far as not going through with it, no, I am deadly serious. It is absolutely going to happen.

If it ever gets to a point where I fear for my safety (or hers), I will keep a small bag on hand with essentials to immediately vacate, so that would be a more drastic exit, and I am fully prepared to go that route.
(3)
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A plan is a start, keep moving forward.

And welcome to are forum
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Update on my update:

Things keep changing. My mother calmed down somewhat last night, and said she realized it may be beneficial for us to have space, even wants to look at apartments with me.

This morning she circled back to how she is convinced the only reason I want to move out is because of my significant other, and that it’s sad I am doing this to my elderly mother as she becomes more dependent. That after making a lifelong commitment to her I go and do this.

Side note: She is a LOT more capable than she lets on.

Then she spoke to my older, out of state sister for a while later this morning, and my sister spoke up on my behalf, saying she and my brother-in-law will help. They have a rough plan including making her the POA instead of me, and my brother-in-law will help crunch numbers as he is good with them. I will still be the HCP for medical care.

My sister also vouched for my significant other, that everyone in the family likes him and want this for me, and my mother then surprised me by saying that as long as it’s important to me he is welcome to come in for Thanksgiving. So there is hope yet that she will eventually accept him in time.

We will see what happens next…
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Reply to brainybird66
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waytomisery Sep 16, 2024
” She is convinced the only reason I want to move out is because of my significant other .” Then Mom goes with the guilt trip about “ lifelong commitment “.

OWN that with …

“ Mom it is perfectly healthy that I leave to live a normal life with my partner. It is not normal or healthy to make a lifelong commitment to another person , so extreme , that prevents me from the opportunity to live my life “.
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Pat, pat, patting you on the back for a wise decision.

Keep in mind that "best is the enemy of better" -- so don't set your conditions for moving out and on too high or you won't be able to do what you desire. Things don't have to be perfect for you to leave.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Per your update below, Mom is now pouting. I wasn’t good with my children pouting as toddlers and I’d be no better with a senior doing it. Meet it with full ignore, just as we do with toddlers. Move forward with your plans and life. Mom may come around, but your future shouldn’t depend on it
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You go on with your plans .
Mom’s behavior is deplorable ….trying to stop you from living a normal life with your significant other .

. I agree with the previous post , ignore her nonsense as much as you can .

Google “ Grey rock method “ for how to handle verbal cr4p she throws at you .

Your mother is responsible for her life going forward. You gave notice .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Congrats in your decision. I think your doing the right thing.

You could have done an update on your other thread just by posting like the rest of us do. Please, update us on your progress.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Your post of September 3 is a worry. “I just don’t think it’s fair to pull the rug out from under her” – fair enough, notice is the right thing to do. BUT “without getting all of my siblings and partner on board with a concrete plan in place” – NO.

1) ‘A concrete plan’ may be impossible if M won’t agree to any of it.
2) “without getting all of my siblings on board” – NO. You can escape whether or not all your siblings agree. And why would they agree, when it is currently all under control from their point of view?
3) “without getting my partner on board” – fair enough, so long as ‘getting on board’ doesn’t mean make forced commitments that ought to be voluntary.

This ‘care’ has been forced on you for so long that being firm is difficult. You still have a way to go on it. Her appalling current behavior may shake you up enough to make the split fast and firm. Frankly, my own strategy would be to agree to all of her outrageous insults. "Yes you may be right" doesn't get you into an argument, and you have no need to justify yourself. Add "I don't know why you've put up with it".
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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