My 76-year-old mother moved in with us last Aug. She has a number of health issues (on over 13 different meds), is a 3-time cancer survivor, is deaf in one ear with a hearing aid in the other, blind in the left eye, and not able to understand English fully. My brother and spouse used to take care of her, but last year, they were on the brink of divorce because she was a lot to care for, so he asked if she would be able to move in with us. When she got here, she was hospitalized 3 times and then suffered a mini stroke in Dec. She was in rehab for 14 days and recovered some, but still required a lot of assistance. I work full time from home, have a husband and 2 kids. Recently she has been very forgetful, leaving water on, getting up in the middle of the night using the stove, not remembering things from yesterday. I talked to her doctor about it, and shared we are thinking about long term care management and he said she would not thrive in a nursing or Assisted Living due to her language barrier and medical issues. My brother is angry that I even suggested it. My family went on vacation without me because I had to stay back to help my mom. I don't want to quit my job to take care of her but I am very tired. She and I never had the relationship. I can't sustain taking care of her full time, keeping my job, taking care of my family. Not sure what to do.
Dont become yet another woman screwing over their own future to caregive because of “cultural reasons”.
That goes for the doctor.
That goes for the brother.
Since you're the one doing the care, you get ALL THE VOTES YOU NEED.
Which is ONE.
Move your mother. You can visit.
Save yourself. And your marriage.
2. What kind of doctor in their right mind tells someone "mother would not thrive in a nursing or Assisted Living due to her language barrier and medical issues"???? Who should move into a nursing home or AL, then, someone in great health with no issues at all? Someone who enjoys spending $6-10k a month for nothing??
The two of these people are speaking gibberish!
Mother needs managed care more than anyone else on earth, and you need to put your bro on mute and quit taking her to this PCP! He may need a cognitive evaluation himself, for petesake.
Don't quit your job and give up your own life to care for mother. Be a daughter instead of a caregiver while she's in managed care, and visit her whenever you'd like. My folks did very well in AL.
Best of luck to you.
I gotta tell you, my mom's health is failing, and my family is such a mess all frustrated with each other for one reason or another.
It is such a hard time for everyone, and it causes anger and resentment and we all take it out on each other.
For one if your brother can't take mom again, then he gets no vote in this. So ignore what he says.
Secondly, you, your family , your brothers family deserve a life!! This is not working, your mom needs a heck of a lot of care. The amount she needs can only be done by a community of people.
Your husband and your kids deserve a life, they deserve all of you. I'm sure when your with your family in person, your thoughts are still with mom.
You did not make your mom old, you did not ask to be born, you have nothing to feel bad about.
Your family needs peace.
Best of luck to you, 🙏💓
Your mom deserves better than you can provide. You deserve better than being forced to take on a job for which you’re not qualified.
Furthermore, a nursing facility is there because patients need it to thrive, not to keep them from thriving. That doctor is spouting nonsense, and did you actually hear the doctor say that? If not, someone is probably lying to manipulate you. Also care facilities are accustomed to language barriers. They manage.
This is the alarm , listen to it . Living with Mom in your home is not fair to you , your spouse , or children.
You could request the staff use an app on a smart phone that translates so they can communicate . I do realize she still won’t be able to talk to other residents unless any speak her language. It’s unfortunate , but you and your family should not suffer because of it . Place Mom in care.
Shame on your brother , he knows how hard it is to take care of her. The doctor is not in your shoes.
However to say that, makes the whole story clearly unrealistic to expect or hope for. Doctor is totally ignoring whether D (or children and marriage) will 'thrive' too. OK doctors are not counselors for the daughter, or with the daughter’s best health or well-being in mind. But perhaps they should quit the tunnel vision.
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