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My 76-year-old mother moved in with us last Aug. She has a number of health issues (on over 13 different meds), is a 3-time cancer survivor, is deaf in one ear with a hearing aid in the other, blind in the left eye, and not able to understand English fully. My brother and spouse used to take care of her, but last year, they were on the brink of divorce because she was a lot to care for, so he asked if she would be able to move in with us. When she got here, she was hospitalized 3 times and then suffered a mini stroke in Dec. She was in rehab for 14 days and recovered some, but still required a lot of assistance. I work full time from home, have a husband and 2 kids. Recently she has been very forgetful, leaving water on, getting up in the middle of the night using the stove, not remembering things from yesterday. I talked to her doctor about it, and shared we are thinking about long term care management and he said she would not thrive in a nursing or Assisted Living due to her language barrier and medical issues. My brother is angry that I even suggested it. My family went on vacation without me because I had to stay back to help my mom. I don't want to quit my job to take care of her but I am very tired. She and I never had the relationship. I can't sustain taking care of her full time, keeping my job, taking care of my family. Not sure what to do.

Mom should have been moved to AL when your brother and sister in law found her care to be more than they can manage at home.
I am sure there are facilities that have CNA's that speak the language your mom does. Look in an area that has a larger population of people that are from her country. (Every city has pockets of people that settle) It may make it more difficult for you to visit if it is further away but mom would be comfortable around people that came from where she did.
There are not many options here.
1. You keep mom and continue giving up your life and your family. (not a good plan). And her care needs will increase, are you ready for that?

2. Brother and SIL take her back into their home. (highly unlikely, if they could not manage a year ago and her needs have escalated there is no way their marriage would survive now)

3. The doctor that is so convinced that mom would not thrive can take mom into his home and he can care for her. (being a bit, ok a lot, facetious here)

4.. Place mom in AL or other facility that will meet her care needs now and as she continues to decline. (the best solution)

Placing a loved one in any facility is not an easy choice. It is a decision that is come to after long deliberation and it is often long overdue. But when caring for someone reaches a point where it is no longer safe for either party and safety is physical, emotional, mental it is time to make that move.
It is not a "failure" nor a lack of love it is acknowledging that their care is m ore than you can safely do at home.

I should mention one other option.
Hiring caregivers that will come in daily and care for mom. If this is an option you can go through an agency and request a caregiver that speaks mom's language. Or you can hire privately if there is a church or other house of worship that is of her faith that might be a place to find a caregiver that would be aware of the culture.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Tired52 Jul 5, 2024
Thank you for your feedback. I have tried several caregivers via Care.com and my mom is not receptive to them and wants me to take care of her. The last one struggled to understand my mom and kept asking me to translate. We are praying God will lead the way. I agree that AL is the best option now. Today we talked a bit about our family and she didn't remember the state I was born :( nor her brother's names or the time she move to the US from Italy. I have reached out to her doctor and he suspects either another stroke or early dementia. Either way, I am starting the process to find a place for her.

Thank you for reaching out.
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Your brother move her in since takes issue with your needs. Tag bro, you’re it
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Thank you, everyone, for your feedback. When I read through these comments and those of others who have gone/are going through similar situations, I realized that I am not alone. I felt guilty for sharing when I posted this, but I needed unbiased opinions on my situation. Sharing with friends and other people who know us (my family) comes with some judgment, i.e., you should never consider putting mom in a home, we never did this with grandparents, parents should pass with their family, etc., but they are not in my current position, and seeing her getting worse. Just last night she woke up thinking it was morning, got dressed and started to give herself insulin. I told her it was 1am and she said 'I don't know why I am doing this'. I felt so bad and got her back in pajamas and bed. I am going to start the process of searching for long-term care.
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Tired, a bit about doctors. They are focused on one patient, not on the whole situation. Perhaps the doctor was correct in saying M ‘would not thrive’. She certainly won't do well enough to regain her youthful vigor and health (which is what many would describe as 'thriving'). M probably WOULD do better at home with 24 hour care, with the house designed for aged care, a daughter with no family or job to deal with, a private income, two or three fantastic carers to spell D for the other two shifts and the weekend in order to keep D sane, the carers getting quite well paid from M’s own money, all with the right language skills, and coming reliably around the clock.

However to say that, makes the whole story clearly unrealistic to expect or hope for. Doctor is totally ignoring whether D (or children and marriage) will 'thrive' too. OK doctors are not counselors for the daughter, or with the daughter’s best health or well-being in mind. But perhaps they should quit the tunnel vision.
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Keeping mom out of assisted living or memory care prevents her from getting care from professionals. Caregiving isn’t something that you put on like a new hat. It requires skills that take time to develop. (I found this out the hard way, in real life.)

Your mom deserves better than you can provide. You deserve better than being forced to take on a job for which you’re not qualified.
Furthermore, a nursing facility is there because patients need it to thrive, not to keep them from thriving. That doctor is spouting nonsense, and did you actually hear the doctor say that? If not, someone is probably lying to manipulate you. Also care facilities are accustomed to language barriers. They manage.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Your brother’s marriage was “ on the brink of divorce because she was a lot to care for “ .

This is the alarm , listen to it . Living with Mom in your home is not fair to you , your spouse , or children.

You could request the staff use an app on a smart phone that translates so they can communicate . I do realize she still won’t be able to talk to other residents unless any speak her language. It’s unfortunate , but you and your family should not suffer because of it . Place Mom in care.

Shame on your brother , he knows how hard it is to take care of her. The doctor is not in your shoes.
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MissesJ Jul 9, 2024
Yes—Google Translate is a free app that is pre-installed on all Apple devices. It can now translate from voice or written word (correspondence, menus, signs, etc) and respond in voice, too!
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The answer to your question is always yes.
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Quitting your job should not even be considered.! You can safely place her in AL and you should. You need your life back. My mother was totally deaf and didn’t sign so all communication with the AL staff was done using a small white board. In my professional life I had to communicate with people who didn’t speak or understand English well but we always found a way to communicate. My point is that it’s not the barrier the doctor is making it out to be. He never should have said that! If she qualifies for Hospice there are often volunteer translators. If your brother objects to that plan give him the choice of taking her to live with him or keeping quiet. People who are not doing the care don’t get a voice in the plan.
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Reply to RLWG54
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Anyone not doing hands-on care gets ZERO votes.

That goes for the doctor.

That goes for the brother.

Since you're the one doing the care, you get ALL THE VOTES YOU NEED.

Which is ONE.

Move your mother. You can visit.

Save yourself. And your marriage.
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Another point, unless you’re a multimillionaire you should not be paying for any of Mom’s care with your own money. If she has no money it’s Medicaid nursing home time.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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In my experience when someone is wondering if you should move a parent into a facility, it's usually way over due, and most definitely time

I gotta tell you, my mom's health is failing, and my family is such a mess all frustrated with each other for one reason or another.

It is such a hard time for everyone, and it causes anger and resentment and we all take it out on each other.

For one if your brother can't take mom again, then he gets no vote in this. So ignore what he says.

Secondly, you, your family , your brothers family deserve a life!! This is not working, your mom needs a heck of a lot of care. The amount she needs can only be done by a community of people.

Your husband and your kids deserve a life, they deserve all of you. I'm sure when your with your family in person, your thoughts are still with mom.

You did not make your mom old, you did not ask to be born, you have nothing to feel bad about.

Your family needs peace.

Best of luck to you, 🙏💓
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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1. If your bro is so angry at you even suggesting AL, yet he is FULLY AWARE of the stress mother creates in his life, how does that make ANY sense at all? Tell bro he can take her back then!

2. What kind of doctor in their right mind tells someone "mother would not thrive in a nursing or Assisted Living due to her language barrier and medical issues"???? Who should move into a nursing home or AL, then, someone in great health with no issues at all? Someone who enjoys spending $6-10k a month for nothing??

The two of these people are speaking gibberish!

Mother needs managed care more than anyone else on earth, and you need to put your bro on mute and quit taking her to this PCP! He may need a cognitive evaluation himself, for petesake.

Don't quit your job and give up your own life to care for mother. Be a daughter instead of a caregiver while she's in managed care, and visit her whenever you'd like. My folks did very well in AL.

Best of luck to you.
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cover9339 Jul 4, 2024
#2. A smart Dr. In fact, there are some states that offer programs to try to keep a person out of a facility if at all possible .
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My brother did that for my mom years ago and would tell me how regretful it was but when mentioning long-term care with him he was like 'you should quit your job like I did.' He feels I should take care of her until she passes. I am thinking about getting someone from Care.com to help since I work from home but already my mom is in our space and to add another person would really make me uncomfortable.
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There are absolutely no scenarios where a person should quit their job to care for an elderly parent.

Dont become yet another woman screwing over their own future to caregive because of “cultural reasons”.
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