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I'm not sure what to do anymore, and I posted about this a few years ago and it just seems to have gotten worse. My dad who is 83 with COPD seems to take a turn for the worse, or its just drama. And with all the COVID hysteria doesn't help. I can't tell with him because he's always been the negative, pessimistic type and has always been volatile at times. And of course he's always been big baby when he doesn't feel well. He claims his breathing is more difficult lately but he refuses to go to the hospital or call his regular doctor. He tells us he will die in his own home when we attempt to get him some help. He relies too much on the VA and they have pretty much said there isn't much they can do for him anymore. The VA attempted to have someone come to his house to help him out and etc, but of course he refused. Instead he'd rather be miserable instead and of course because we share a house with him he makes a miserable as well. I really don't know what he expects from us and of course he keeps talking about dying.


I just don't know what if anything we can do

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COPD isn’t drama, it’s a struggle for air. If the doctors at the VA have told him there’s no more they can do for him, do you believe another doctor may have a treatment or meds that could be a help? If so, make an appointment and take him, lie to him if needed to get him there. If he’s at the end stages of life it’s appropriate to get a doctor to sign off on getting hospice services involved to insure that he’s kept comfortable and not in pain. This is the way to die in his own home. If caregiving is too hard for you it’s okay to admit that and tell dad he’ll have to accept further help, you’ll move out and new care will take over. Your dad is likely scared, seeing his independence and skills slipping away, not knowing what’s coming, and fearing whatever is next
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I must apologize, I didn't mean that COPD was drama but my dad does make things sound worse than they actually are. For example, if you get a splinter...its gangrene. Problem is getting him to leave the house will be virtually impossible because he's so hard-headed he won't cooperate. As for the VA, it is a fact that they do not provide the best health care. However, I believe it was hospice the VA was trying to get involved but of course he refused to cooperate. Its just becoming increasingly frustrating to deal with him when he won't cooperate.
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I would imagine that the COPD IS worse over a few years. It is a progressive disease. It is rather normal for patients suffering with constant breathlessness to have a somewhat anxious, fearful, negative personality. If you have ever had a bout of breathlessness, this would be easier to understand. For all intents and purposes he IS dying, so that is likely what is formost on his mind. I don't find your Dad to be exceptionally unusual. You say that the VA has said that there is little to nothing they can do for him at this point; I must assume that means that what O2 support and medications they have, are already in use. And he has said he sees no reason to go there (would seem normal in that they essential told him not to; they have nothing more to provide.)
Apparently what is more at issue here is that this now very very ill father is living in the household and you feel on a daily basis helpless and confused as to how to address all this. Who is POA? Has the POA for health and Father sat and discussed what might be next, how close to end stage his disease is, when to have hospice support, or does Dad also refuse all of that.
You may come down ultimately to choosing not to keep your Dad in your home. He may get more support, more people to decide what to do irregardless of what your Dad wishes in any medical crisis. He is already in a state of near chronic discontent, so the move may not tax him overmuch. I am saying that, if you need to consider this for the health and well being of YOUR OWN FAMILY, that I feel you should. Covid in the next 6 months will be addressed with Vaccine; until then a transfer for your father would put him greatly at risk, so perhaps movement in this direction is something to contemplate and discuss with Dad. I would make it clear to your Dad that you understand his feeling ill all the time, and consequently not all that positive, but that it is having an affect on all the family and you really can't have that.
The best friend of a dear friend of mine had a rare lung condition that caused chronic breathlessness; She was the single person I recall in all a long nursing career who managed to live with the constant terror of the next breath and remain a person of good cheer, and even she did, toward the end of her too short life, turn to alcohol as a means of self medicating. My heart goes out to your Dad, and to you all.
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Thanks for your posts AlvaDeer & Daughterof1930, I am aware that COPD is progressive and that he is worse than when it started. Its just the continual complaining and that he lashes out. I suspect he has some measure of depression as he has made mention of what he cannot do anymore. Granted I'm sure that has to do with how he is feeling but it just makes it difficult to deal with him. But anytime he is showing difficulty we try to get him to go to the ER but he outright refuses. There is no POA for is health for him, he has it set in his mind that he is going to die in the house. 

I just don't want to see him suffer and I want him to be happy, but the fact that he will not cooperate just impedes anything we attempt to do.
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There are just some people who will never be happy. Just went to a Memorial of such a person. Her sons, not really close, did a nice job, but she would have found fault with something.

I would just let Dad do what he wants. Hospice would be a big help especially towards the end. Morphine is also used to help ease breathing.
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Frustrated100 Dec 2020
That sounds like him, one of his doctors did try to give him some variant of Morphine tablets but they didn't work out too well because it caused other problems....constipation being one of them.
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Why is he refusing help? Has he explained why he would refuse help from hospice?
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Frustrated100 Dec 2020
I wish I knew but he just doesn't. Probably because they want him to clean up the clutter in his house, but that is another story.
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Does he have one of those pulsoxometers to check his oxygen levels himself? The little device that goes on the finger.....you can check his oxygen at home and that will help you determine if his breathing really is getting worse. But yeah it does come to a point with COPD where there’s really nothing more than they can do. You can’t force him to go on hospice. I would probably put up some boundaries myself. Let him be miserable. You can visit him on your terms and leave if he gets to be too bad. If he won’t accept your help, stop offering. Stop trying.
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The thing about being unable to breathe is this............you wind up focusing on your EVERY breath, which is terrible. Breathing is something automatic; something we take for granted & don't pay attention to. UNTIL asthma or COPD or some other lung disease kicks in and then all hell breaks loose.

So, having been there/done that in terms of having severe asthma attacks & needing many nebulizer treatments just to make it thru the night, I can tell you this: If things get bad ENOUGH with your dad's breathing, HE WILL ASK FOR AND TAKE HELP. Trust me. His situation isn't as bad as he's making it out to be...........that's most likely what's going on. Otherwise, he'd be begging for nebulizer treatments and oxygen and inhalers and any pills he could get his hands on, even if he never pooped again as a result.

Let him know you're there IF he needs you and IF he truly WANTS help. Otherwise, you're just a sounding board for him and nothing else.

My mother is the same way...........she lives to complain and turn everything into a drama story. My cousin called my mother yesterday & told her that her son is paralyzed on his left side and has a large blood clot in his leg; he's suffering from stage 4 brain cancer. Know what my mother said? "Oh just like ME, I'm in the exact same boat." In reality, there's nothing wrong with her AT ALL except for neuropathy in her legs/feet.

Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a situation you can't really change. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace, too.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
I have been hospitalized for asthma. I have a nebulizer at home, along with my inhaler.

Asthma attacks are horrible.
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Thanks for giving more info. There does come a point with many of our parents where we have to accept that “happy” is over for them. My dad did accept a prescription for Zoloft, though he couldn’t admit what it was for, he called it his “attitude medicine” and we were grateful as it did help. His doctor was careful in phrasing when the idea was presented, if my dad thought it helped depression he wouldn’t have gone for it. Another thing is, just because dad likes to gripe and be negative doesn’t mean he needs an audience for it, leave each and every time he starts it. Give it no attention, it’s a circular conversation that goes nowhere and benefits nothing. Save the energy for steps that will help him, hoping he accepts the help when it gets bad enough
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"...I just don't want to see him suffer and I want him to be happy..." Hospice would be the best way for him to not suffer. In my opinion, the VA gives excellent care and it's your father who hasn't availed himself of it through the years. He also will never be happy and you must learn to accept that.

Remind him that the doctors have said nothing more can be done. Tell him that hospice will keep him comfortable and in his own home. When he talks about dying, be honest and say something like "Yes, dad, you're dying but hospice can help you die on your own terms." Perhaps if that's your reaction to his "drama" he may understand that you want to help him.
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Another vote for Hospice.

Ask again. If he refuses, ask Hospice if they will come anyway - to help YOU. To advice & support. Explain this to Dad. Otherwise, without this extra support at home - it is too hard on you & he may not be able to stay in his home.

Does that come across as too blackmailing?
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