Not what I signed up for.

I apologize in advance for the length of this post, but I want to be fair and thorough. I’ve been a caregiver most of my life, either for family or professionally. I moved to a new area and thought a live in caregiving situation would be a good option with the costs of rent skyrocketing and becoming frustrated with paying application fees and so forth.

I placed an ad and was responded to by a 72 year old Veteran with severe COPD, PTSD and anxiety. He has steel rods in his neck and back which cause him a great deal of pain. He told me his current caregiver was leaving him alone for days at a time and the house was in bad condition. I felt a lot of sympathy for this man and I also have a lot of respect for our veterans. We met and I noticed his cigarettes on the table. I immediately became concerned because 1. I am allergic and asthmatic, I quit smoking myself several years ago and 2. He uses oxygen. He insisted he would not smoke around us. I decided I could live with it if he made an effort. He said he could not pay me, sounding as though his finances would not allow for it. Once again, my heart got the better of me.

After moving in, I realized just how atrocious the conditions had become. The girl living here let things go to a degree there were insects, trash, dirty dishes everywhere. I worked very hard to get things clean. He is not incontinent but he can’t walk more than a few steps without gasping. He had a few accidents but nothing too major. He went outside to smoke often and things seemed like they were working out.

After about a month, his smoking increased. He wouldn’t go outside at all. He even refused to shower, saying he wasn’t up to it. (At this point, he hasn’t had an actual shower in 6 weeks.) He bought a car, and a motorcycle. I began to question his financial straits actually being a problem. I’ve seen him hand cash to his family, or his friends. There are women who come around only to “borrow” from him.

The smoking has become so bad that I hide in the opposite side of the house trying to avoid it, but of course it comes through the ventilation. I’ve had repeated colds, sore throats, coughing. When I say I’m having trouble breathing, he laughs. Even when I was a smoker, I never did so indoors or in the car so it’s infuriating to have to live like this. He isn’t concerned whatsoever with the effects this has on my health, he says if he wants things a certain way that’s how its going to be.

I am here practically 24/7 doing everything for this man for free, and now my health is going downhill because of it. I suppose what I want to know is, do I have any rights at all in this situation? I feel as though I willingly trapped myself here with no way out. I don’t know how I could work outside the home and do this as well in order to bring in some income so I could have some control over things. It’s very hard having compassion for him at this point, he’s literally ending his life each time he lights up. My clothes smell, I have a smokers cough for goodness sake! I haven’t needed an inhaler in years, now I do. I feel betrayed. I have made an appointment with a therapist because of what this is doing to me mentally.
This feels like a passive aggressive form of abuse. I sense he resents anyone who is healthy, for instance me mocks my diet which is clean eating. I’ve made a tremendous amount of effort to be healthy, not to smoke. Every time he smokes though, so do I. If he were paying me, which to my understanding after some research is illegal for him not to, then I could at least afford to have a life outside of here and feel less hopeless.