To the point she has changed the locks, cleaned out the checking that I was on, insisting to the bank that I was stealing her money, revoked the POA’s much to my surprise. My attempts to help are not welcome. My only contact with her has been through her friend whom we were able to enlist to give daily medications as she can’t remember to take them correctly. I live 6 -7 hours away and it isn’t possible to be with her all the time. She refuses to come home with me due to multiple pets. I am at a loss as to how to proceed. Suggestions and input would be greatly appreciated as my husband and I are appalled at her behavior, though we do understand it is partially the illness. How do we best proceed?
My first action would be to get in touch with the lawyer (hoping there is one) who drafted your earlier POA. It may be possible to develop a case that she was not well enough to revoke the POA she’d originally signed.
If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to mount an attempt to prove legally that she’s no longer capable of safely and prudently managing her own affairs. If you aren’t able to get the help of her lawyer, seek out another with experience in geriatric/family management.
Unfortunately her “feelings” are a lower priority than her safety and the safety of those who may also be damaged by her present situation- someone has to get the car keys away from her for example, whether she accepts the efforts or not.
At some point hopefully sooner than later you will need to arrange for an assessment of her current cognitive/psychiatric status, so that you can consider the specific needs her condition may require as they arise.
Your situation is a tragic and painful one, but try very hard to frame your thoughts in the fact that she is in a tragic situation that many of us have experienced too, and that you need to try to get past the insults and accusations, knowing that it is her illness that says and does what is said and done, NOT the mother she was before the illness began to take her away.
Take very good care of yourself too. That’s important.
- pursue guardianship through the courts (and you may not want it if she's this combative). This can be expensive and time consuming, not to mention she may not cooperate so getting her into court will be a challenge.
- report her to APS as a vulnerable adult and they will eventually acquire guardianship and place her, manage all her affairs, etc. She will get protected and the care she needs and in a facility she at least won't be isolated.
You won't be able to manage her from such a distance in her current state. Also, it is possible she has an undiagnosed UTI, which can create weird symptoms in the elderly, like confusion and behavior changes. If her friend is willing and able to get her into Urgent Care (on any 'therapeutic fib" or pretense) this may help her get treatment and bring her back to a less combative state. If her friend isn't staying on top of administering her medication, this can also be a cause of her behavior issues.
You will need to educate yourself about dementia so that you go into this understanding that she *can't* do things, not that she *won't* do things. The dementia (or UTI or medication issues) is driving her bus.
If I were in your situation and was able to go to where she lives for a week, I would definitely do this (and do not tell her! Also see if you can stay with her friend). Then you'd be better able to speak with social services for options, maybe call EMTs if she's making threats, and take the burden off her friend, who can only do so much.
You could see an attorney and apply for guardianship if your elder has a diagnosis of dementia, but do know that if she does not you would never win a contested guardianship. The courts are very unlikely to take the RIGHTS of a senior or any other citizen from them. You would also need to present meticulous records of any work you did for your Mom as her POA.
If the person who is handling the medications (not a great thing in itself) calls you with problems I feel you both should refer Mom to APS for wellness check. Let them decide. Eventually these things are self limiting. There will be a problem. Mom will end in hospital at best. You will be called, and you and Social Worker can decide how best to proceed from there.
If your Mother has lobbed accusations at you I myself would consider State guardianship for her, rather than do it myself. It is an onerous task at BEST, and awful with an uncooperative or paranoid senior.
Best to you.