I’m the mom of an only child. I plan to go into assisted living or a nursing home or hire people to help me. I want my daughter to be my daughter. I do not want her to be the hired help.
I am caring for my 93 year old parents who didn’t give fig about planning for their old age and did not make any financial provisions to protect their assets. They fully expect their kids to suck it up and be their handmaidens. And after 6 years of this it is getting old.
the major life lesson I learned from this experience is not to be like them.
And I am really hoping not to get as old as them. I want to exit before I am a burden.
I have also learned this lesson of not being like my mom. I am taking care of myself like she did NOT, fixing any physical/health issues that pop up and will NOT move in with my kids.
I am an only as well and can very much relate. In fact, I am on vacation right now with my teen daughter and husband and feel enormous guilt about it. I just had to place my 90 y.o. dad in a nursing home after a bad fall, surgery and rehab. He has Parkinson's that has progressed a lot, CHF, t2 diabetes and more. Now we are seeing beginning of dementia I think. I feel awful and he's unhappy but we had no other choice, he needs 24/7 care now, can no longer walk, incontinence is bad, cognitive issues etc. And we have no money for 24/7 home care so also on my own, I am having to clean out his big house of 45 years and sell it to pay for care. I have been caring for him 7.5 yrs and part of that time my mom too, then she passed in 2016. They each had strokes within 2 weeks of each other. We have no other family to help, my dad has now outlived most everyone except a few cousins my age who only visit him occasionally. It's been a lot, I am burned out, and experience resentment, then tremendous guilt. Just today my dad was wanting to go home and here I am at the beach, and feel terrible. I even have our former caregiver there visiting him while I am away but he still has this effect on me. So it's really hard to cope and I am trying to live my life and be with my own family but it all just feels all consuming, even though I know I made the right decision and he is getting good care. I will probably be seeking some counseling soon, if you ever want to chat, I am available or if any of the other onlies on here want to create an online support chat, I would be willing. We could try and help each other. Honestly reading here helps me cope when I see others experiencing similar issues.
I feel the exact same....I am retired my wife passed 3 months ago... my 90+ y/o mom expected us to care for her. I am looking for respite care..Am an only child fortunately my wifes cousin is trying to assist/help interview care aides...Have put own grieving for my wife of nearly 30 yrs "on hold" to care for mom...My wife was as concerned about the situation, but also going through her illness...my in laws had great plans end of life plans my mom had none..felt its our my place..One day I may get to grieve..thank you for letting me vent also...blessings to you.
I was just discussing that with friends. While a large number of siblings may mean shared responsibilities, it can also make consensus impossible. I am an only child and yes, I resented the time it took away from my husband and kids, the sleepless nights, the insults and general stress. (she is now in care) But I am so relieved to be the sole decision maker. Maybe I’m a control freak. My aunts, uncles and cousins say they are all happy with the arrangements I’ve made, but I appreciated not having had to make them by committee.
I'm an only. It got hard once my father gave up driving. He could walk to his GP but specialists and grocery shopping were on me. He expected me to leave work to fix his remote every time he screwed it up....I shut that down fast. I learned to put up some strong boundaries after he had a health issue that resulted in him running me ragged. When he realized I was not going to come running every time he snapped his fingers he decided to go to AL. It was time because he was getting to the point living on his own was just not working.
I've been told not having a sibling was actually easier. No one to have to run decisions past, no one to feel resentful for spending 5 minutes less with my father than I was.
Your parents are not your responsibility. No one here can tell what responsibilities for them you are taking on, as you have not told us. What about those 100s of 1,000s who have NO CHILDREN? Your parents have access to the same support they do. I wish you the best. Your original post was in March and I hope you have been doing better of late.
I have many other responsibilities besides caring for my mother so have searched for the best possible way to meet all of these responsibilities. For me, that means placing my mother in a SNF as she requires 24 hour care. I could never provide that as I don't have training, don't have space in my house and don't have the time. I have a full-time job, two teenage kids (one who needs significant support due to anxiety) and a husband who travels frequently.
I think the only way to deal with the responsibility is to decide what you are capable of doing and find support for anything you can't. You can only live your life if you take the decision to find support. Finding support, either though outside care or placing in AL, MC or SNF doesn't mean you love them less, it means you recognize they need more care than you can provide emotionally or physically. Only you can make both that decision and take the action to make it happen.
I manage my responsibility, I am not Florence Nightingale and my LO's have to accept that I have a life as well.
2 people in homes, one AL, the other MC, both are well cared for, they have doctors that come in, beauticians, food is prepared, laundry done, cleaning done, they have no needs that are not covered.
Being good to a LO'd one doesn't mean taking care of them in your home or living with them. That was never an option for me, and they both know it.
Lots of Prayer, Patience, and Positive: I Can Attitude
I guess I will ask what is your definition of living life? Once you answer that question, then you can plan how to care for your parent otherwise when you chose to care for your parent your life is no longer your life. Just like when you have a child your life is planned around them or it includes them in it, always. A parent becomes your special needs child.
In my situation and life test, there was deception in my caring for my mother. Yet I found a system, change of mindset, and can-do attitude with a targeted goal for my future that helps motivate me upward bound. Because everything is durable and with technology we can accomplish most if not all business transactions and more online: grocery shopping, paying bills, online dating, reading, movies, music, ulber ride, and so on.
I relocated from the west coast to the south to "help" care for my mother with the siblings. She has Dementia stage 5: moderately severe cognitive decline. Now upon my arrival, within a week. I ended up caring for my mother 24/7 for the last 4 plus years - without caregiving pay. Nor will the sibling use the "respite care" services.
It was really rough my first two years to have all this responsibility dumped on me to include adjusting to a whole new way of life, culture, and environment. I did a lot of research online on dementia and joined a caregiver support group. Then I decided to become victorious and perform a make-over of my life. In fact, I am starting my own online business this year.
When you chose to care for your parent their schedule is your schedule and even if you make arrangement to have a caregiver, a family member to help you care for them. You are still ultimately responsible for their well-being and mind-set.
This change was very challenging for me also because I am very independent and use to coming and going as I please, making my own money, and then I became isolated. I don't know anyone here, and I live in the rural country with bugs, flying insects, snakes, other furry creatures, bad weather, etc. And to make matters worse I have become domesticated. I resisted change at first. You have to learn to bend or you will break mentally.
So, a positive attitude is everything. You need patience and the process is slow. If you need to sit-sit. Don't over do it. And even though they do not communicate like us -- they do communicate. If you listen. They share. Everything is repetitive with my mom. She does not like new things except food, that is, the right food. The rest is routine. They ask the same question over and over. Patience. Their needs are routine and basic.
Now I've heard of outburst. I've only experience that twice with my mom and I put her on time out and told her that any time she does that I would leave the room. So I've never had another outburst, yet. Also, I promote a good behavior reward system.
My mom is 83 years old. She goes to the pain doctor every other month. I am the chauffer. The wellness doctor comes to the house every year. Then there are the scheduled eye, dental, and general doctor appointments. The latter was done via Zoom online. I perform all her grooming needs, prepare food, house chores, companion, confidant, etc.
Usually on the weekends I cook and freeze extra food (pre-package meals) to make it easier for me during the week. (Defrost, heat up, and serve)
I've become very protective over my mom because I have eliminated most of her insecure issues she had prior to my arrival. So, I prefer to have someone watch her only when I have to do a personal errand otherwise I conduct all my business online; and with COVID I have no desire to hang out with other people.
Its a challenge at first, it does get better, and moreover, based on the O.T. “Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee”: fifth of the Ten Commandments. Lastly, she does appreciate me.
As an only and single, unchilded caregiver, I am sorry to say, there is no escape. Unless you hire 24/7 caregivers it's all on you, and even then, you are still responsible for the oversight. There's no real break unless and until one of you passes away. That's pretty depressing because if your patient dies, then you end up alone. Sucks, doesn't it?
I just try to stay prayed up and hold it together. If I have to vent, I go online somewhere, talk to myself, or pretend to go after my mom almost every time she has me do something or interrupts me while I'm doing something.
My dad suggested on a few occasions to go outside for a few minutes, but at this point, I need to go on a vacation for a few weeks.
Whenever the nightmare ends, I'm tuning out and only focusing on trying to rebuild my life. My mom can get someone else to help, if not check herself into a nursing home.
"Whenever the nightmare ends, I'm tuning out and only focusing on trying to rebuild my life. My mom can get someone else to help, if not check herself into a nursing home."
How can the nightmare end, if not with your mother's death? Why can't you focus on trying to rebuild your life now, if you are willing to have your mother get someone else to help or go into a NH at some point in the future?
I’m an only and I’ve been struggling with this too. when dad was in rehab, I spoke to matron about caring and coping (I’m in the uk) she was one of four, said sometimes having siblings doesn’t make much difference, one can end up doing it all. She also told me I was not responsible for my parents health, that one I’m still working out Find out about support you can get. Might be a couple of hours a week initially whilst you work out the future, but it gives you some space and time. talk to people. Friends, a network for carers. I’ve spent so much time recently hiding away, my bestie bulldozed in yesterday and just talking helped so much.
krista I hope your mum settles it is so hard. I hope we all find our ways take care xxx
Eighteen years ago my mother moved next door. As her cognitive decline worsened her demands became more unreasonable. So did her expectations. I was selfish because I refused to leave my husband and children to live with her in her house. So she phoned or let herself in or pounded on our doors and windows 24/7. Everything I did was to be for her.
How did I cope? I ate. And ate. My BP crept up. My dentist attributes my broken teeth to stress clenching. I became depressed and lost interest in life.
I was able to have her placed after an ER crisis. By then her dementia was mid-stage. When assessed she had no idea where she lived, or even what year it was. All she was certain of was the fact that I was to blame for her decline.
Sure, I still deal with calls and supplies and taxes and sorting her stuff, but I realize we were well into a “me or her” situation. And yes, I feel bad having had to place her (in a great home) but I have come to better understand my feelings. What I feel is a sadness that she would not allow caregivers to help her stay in her home. Sadness that I’ve been losing her for 10+ years, bit by bit. Not guilt. A huge distinction.
I am also an only child. I wish I knew the answer to that question. This is a 24 hour job. I have no life of my own anymore. It is completely consumed by phone calls with doctors, financial issues, and trying to get my mom acclimated into her nursing home. My guilt is enormous for having to put her there. My heart breaks everyday. So....lol...while I don't have any great life changing advice....it might help to know we aren't the only ones going through it. We can at least talk to somebody else who knows exactly what we're going through about our frustrations, guilt, grief, etc. I mean if you want... I'm Krista...
Thank you Krista, I'm Nikki. This helps more than you know. Until a few days ago I felt totally alone but you and other people being kind enough to share their stories have helped.
Somehow Dad has the illusion that his *child* means his *servant*.
Maybe he doesn't mean to.. maybe he himself was raised to serve his parents, & so on back to the puritan days of old. Service to others.. put others before you.. all that.
Regardless of old values handed down what stands out to me is based on what you wrote;
"he does not live with me but I am his POA & take care of all of his needs such as grocies, doctors appointments and pays his bills. He calls on me constantly".
So I observe: Dad lives alone. He is independent with some of his activities of daily living, personal ADLs but not iADLs. Nikki provides those.
Dad lives alone but is very dependant on Nikki.
He has been living a version of *assisted living*for some time. He lives. Nikki provides the assistance. If Nikki were to quit - he needs a new living situation asap.
Currently he is blind to this.
Nikki, now is the time for you to look at the situation as an outsider like me has. What do you see?
That's the first step. Seeing where you are in the fog. Turning some lights on!
How old is he? Does he have a medical diagnosis of dementia or short term memory impairment? Read you PoA doc to see when your authority is active and how much you have. The caregiving arrangement only works when it works for both parties: the giver and receiver. It's not working for you, and therefore it doesn't matter that he wants to continue living in his house: it doesn't work for you so it is not an option. If he has dementia he is no longer making decisions from logic and reason, so you must do this for him. And you can only do what you are willing and able to do.
You can start by contacting social services for his county to see if he qualifies for some in-home services. Since you have insight into his finances I would consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney to see what the outlook is for financing his care. I would start researching facilities to see what level of care is appropriate for him. Make sure they accept Medicaid. I wish you much success in getting him the care he needs while also getting your life back!
I was an only child to both parents I moved close to me from FL in 2011 when dad had to stop driving. I vowed never to take them into my home to do hands on caregiving, so I didn't. They started out in Independent senior living and moved into Assisted Living, where mom stayed after dad died, then she moved into Memory Care in 2019. It was a tremendous amount of responsibility and management to keep their lives running smoothly, and it took it's toll on me, that's for sure. But I was all they had.
I did manage to live my life for the 10.5 years they were alive, but like I said, it wasn't easy. You give no details about your situation so it's hard to comment. Is dad living with You? If so, now may be the time to think about managed care options which give you more time TO live your life.
If you expand on your situation I'm sure you'll get more helpful comments.
He does not live with me but I'm his Poa and take care of all of his needs such as grocies, doctors appointments and pays his bills. He calls on me constantly. I'm get so nervous thinking of im not there something might happened. I feel trapped sometimes. I've been doing this for almost 20 years and I'm exhausted. He doesn't drive and doesn't want to live his house.
I am caring for my 93 year old parents who didn’t give fig about planning for their old age and did not make any financial provisions to protect their assets. They fully expect their kids to suck it up and be their handmaidens. And after 6 years of this it is getting old.
the major life lesson I learned from this experience is not to be like them.
And I am really hoping not to get as old as them. I want to exit before I am a burden.
I've been told not having a sibling was actually easier. No one to have to run decisions past, no one to feel resentful for spending 5 minutes less with my father than I was.
No one here can tell what responsibilities for them you are taking on, as you have not told us.
What about those 100s of 1,000s who have NO CHILDREN? Your parents have access to the same support they do.
I wish you the best.
Your original post was in March and I hope you have been doing better of late.
I think the only way to deal with the responsibility is to decide what you are capable of doing and find support for anything you can't. You can only live your life if you take the decision to find support. Finding support, either though outside care or placing in AL, MC or SNF doesn't mean you love them less, it means you recognize they need more care than you can provide emotionally or physically. Only you can make both that decision and take the action to make it happen.
2 people in homes, one AL, the other MC, both are well cared for, they have doctors that come in, beauticians, food is prepared, laundry done, cleaning done, they have no needs that are not covered.
Being good to a LO'd one doesn't mean taking care of them in your home or living with them. That was never an option for me, and they both know it.
I guess I will ask what is your definition of living life? Once you answer that question, then you can plan how to care for your parent otherwise when you chose to care for your parent your life is no longer your life. Just like when you have a child your life is planned around them or it includes them in it, always. A parent becomes your special needs child.
In my situation and life test, there was deception in my caring for my mother. Yet I found a system, change of mindset, and can-do attitude with a targeted goal for my future that helps motivate me upward bound. Because everything is durable and with technology we can accomplish most if not all business transactions and more online: grocery shopping, paying bills, online dating, reading, movies, music, ulber ride, and so on.
I relocated from the west coast to the south to "help" care for my mother with the siblings. She has Dementia stage 5: moderately severe cognitive decline. Now upon my arrival, within a week. I ended up caring for my mother 24/7 for the last 4 plus years - without caregiving pay. Nor will the sibling use the "respite care" services.
It was really rough my first two years to have all this responsibility dumped on me to include adjusting to a whole new way of life, culture, and environment. I did a lot of research online on dementia and joined a caregiver support group. Then I decided to become victorious and perform a make-over of my life. In fact, I am starting my own online business this year.
When you chose to care for your parent their schedule is your schedule and even if you make arrangement to have a caregiver, a family member to help you care for them. You are still ultimately responsible for their well-being and mind-set.
This change was very challenging for me also because I am very independent and use to coming and going as I please, making my own money, and then I became isolated. I don't know anyone here, and I live in the rural country with bugs, flying insects, snakes, other furry creatures, bad weather, etc. And to make matters worse I have become domesticated. I resisted change at first. You have to learn to bend or you will break mentally.
So, a positive attitude is everything. You need patience and the process is slow. If you need to sit-sit. Don't over do it. And even though they do not communicate like us -- they do communicate. If you listen. They share. Everything is repetitive with my mom. She does not like new things except food, that is, the right food. The rest is routine. They ask the same question over and over. Patience. Their needs are routine and basic.
Now I've heard of outburst. I've only experience that twice with my mom and I put her on time out and told her that any time she does that I would leave the room. So I've never had another outburst, yet. Also, I promote a good behavior reward system.
My mom is 83 years old. She goes to the pain doctor every other month. I am the chauffer. The wellness doctor comes to the house every year. Then there are the scheduled eye, dental, and general doctor appointments. The latter was done via Zoom online. I perform all her grooming needs, prepare food, house chores, companion, confidant, etc.
Usually on the weekends I cook and freeze extra food (pre-package meals) to make it easier for me during the week. (Defrost, heat up, and serve)
I've become very protective over my mom because I have eliminated most of her insecure issues she had prior to my arrival. So, I prefer to have someone watch her only when I have to do a personal errand otherwise I conduct all my business online; and with COVID I have no desire to hang out with other people.
Its a challenge at first, it does get better, and moreover, based on the O.T. “Honor thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee”: fifth of the Ten Commandments. Lastly, she does appreciate me.
and your reply is amazing.
i wish lots of love and wonderful things to come your way, curious60.
and to OP, and everyone else, of course!
"Then I decided to become victorious and perform a make-over of my life. In fact, I am starting my own online business this year."
amazing!
victory to you :) :).
and you managed/manage to be GOOD to YOU and YOUR mother.
i hope to follow in your footsteps.
right now my own life, is massively behind schedule.
about 682,479,871,309,416,028,750,918 years behind.
:)
I just try to stay prayed up and hold it together. If I have to vent, I go online somewhere, talk to myself, or pretend to go after my mom almost every time she has me do something or interrupts me while I'm doing something.
My dad suggested on a few occasions to go outside for a few minutes, but at this point, I need to go on a vacation for a few weeks.
Whenever the nightmare ends, I'm tuning out and only focusing on trying to rebuild my life. My mom can get someone else to help, if not check herself into a nursing home.
How can the nightmare end, if not with your mother's death? Why can't you focus on trying to rebuild your life now, if you are willing to have your mother get someone else to help or go into a NH at some point in the future?
What does your father say about all of this?
when dad was in rehab, I spoke to matron about caring and coping (I’m in the uk) she was one of four, said sometimes having siblings doesn’t make much difference, one can end up doing it all. She also told me I was not responsible for my parents health, that one I’m still working out
Find out about support you can get. Might be a couple of hours a week initially whilst you work out the future, but it gives you some space and time.
talk to people. Friends, a network for carers. I’ve spent so much time recently hiding away, my bestie bulldozed in yesterday and just talking helped so much.
krista I hope your mum settles it is so hard. I hope we all find our ways
take care xxx
How did I cope? I ate. And ate. My BP crept up. My dentist attributes my broken teeth to stress clenching. I became depressed and lost interest in life.
I was able to have her placed after an ER crisis. By then her dementia was mid-stage. When assessed she had no idea where she lived, or even what year it was. All she was certain of was the fact that I was to blame for her decline.
Sure, I still deal with calls and supplies and taxes and sorting her stuff, but I realize we were well into a “me or her” situation. And yes, I feel bad having had to place her (in a great home) but I have come to better understand my feelings. What I feel is a sadness that she would not allow caregivers to help her stay in her home. Sadness that I’ve been losing her for 10+ years, bit by bit. Not guilt. A huge distinction.
and thanks for your answer. it helps me too.
i hope now you’re very well!!
Maybe he doesn't mean to.. maybe he himself was raised to serve his parents, & so on back to the puritan days of old. Service to others.. put others before you.. all that.
Regardless of old values handed down what stands out to me is based on what you wrote;
"he does not live with me but I am his POA & take care of all of his needs such as grocies, doctors appointments and pays his bills. He calls on me constantly".
So I observe:
Dad lives alone.
He is independent with some of his activities of daily living, personal ADLs but not iADLs. Nikki provides those.
Dad lives alone but is very dependant on Nikki.
He has been living a version of *assisted living*for some time. He lives. Nikki provides the assistance. If Nikki were to quit - he needs a new living situation asap.
Currently he is blind to this.
Nikki, now is the time for you to look at the situation as an outsider like me has. What do you see?
That's the first step. Seeing where you are in the fog. Turning some lights on!
Next will be building steps to a new situation.
You can start by contacting social services for his county to see if he qualifies for some in-home services. Since you have insight into his finances I would consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney to see what the outlook is for financing his care. I would start researching facilities to see what level of care is appropriate for him. Make sure they accept Medicaid. I wish you much success in getting him the care he needs while also getting your life back!
I did manage to live my life for the 10.5 years they were alive, but like I said, it wasn't easy. You give no details about your situation so it's hard to comment. Is dad living with You? If so, now may be the time to think about managed care options which give you more time TO live your life.
If you expand on your situation I'm sure you'll get more helpful comments.