Only children caregivers: How do you cope with the responsibility?

I am also an only child. I wish I knew the answer to that question. This is a 24 hour job. I have no life of my own anymore. It is completely consumed by phone calls with doctors, financial issues, and trying to get my mom acclimated into her nursing home. My guilt is enormous for having to put her there. My heart breaks everyday. So....lol...while I don't have any great life changing advice....it might help to know we aren't the only ones going through it. We can at least talk to somebody else who knows exactly what we're going through about our frustrations, guilt, grief, etc. I mean if you want... I'm Krista...

How old is he? Does he have a medical diagnosis of dementia or short term memory impairment? Read you PoA doc to see when your authority is active and how much you have. The caregiving arrangement only works when it works for both parties: the giver and receiver. It's not working for you, and therefore it doesn't matter that he wants to continue living in his house: it doesn't work for you so it is not an option. If he has dementia he is no longer making decisions from logic and reason, so you must do this for him. And you can only do what you are willing and able to do.

You can start by contacting social services for his county to see if he qualifies for some in-home services. Since you have insight into his finances I would consult with an elder law/estate planning attorney to see what the outlook is for financing his care. I would start researching facilities to see what level of care is appropriate for him. Make sure they accept Medicaid. I wish you much success in getting him the care he needs while also getting your life back!

Somehow Dad has the illusion that his *child* means his *servant*.

Maybe he doesn't mean to.. maybe he himself was raised to serve his parents, & so on back to the puritan days of old. Service to others.. put others before you.. all that.

Regardless of old values handed down what stands out to me is based on what you wrote;

"he does not live with me but I am his POA & take care of all of his needs such as grocies, doctors appointments and pays his bills. He calls on me constantly".

So I observe:
Dad lives alone.
He is independent with some of his activities of daily living, personal ADLs but not iADLs. Nikki provides those.

Dad lives alone but is very dependant on Nikki.

He has been living a version of *assisted living*for some time. He lives. Nikki provides the assistance. If Nikki were to quit - he needs a new living situation asap.

Currently he is blind to this.

Nikki, now is the time for you to look at the situation as an outsider like me has. What do you see?

That's the first step. Seeing where you are in the fog. Turning some lights on!

Next will be building steps to a new situation.

Eighteen years ago my mother moved next door. As her cognitive decline worsened her demands became more unreasonable. So did her expectations. I was selfish because I refused to leave my husband and children to live with her in her house. So she phoned or let herself in or pounded on our doors and windows 24/7. Everything I did was to be for her.

How did I cope? I ate. And ate. My BP crept up. My dentist attributes my broken teeth to stress clenching. I became depressed and lost interest in life.

I was able to have her placed after an ER crisis. By then her dementia was mid-stage. When assessed she had no idea where she lived, or even what year it was. All she was certain of was the fact that I was to blame for her decline.

Sure, I still deal with calls and supplies and taxes and sorting her stuff, but I realize we were well into a “me or her” situation. And yes, I feel bad having had to place her (in a great home) but I have come to better understand my feelings. What I feel is a sadness that she would not allow caregivers to help her stay in her home. Sadness that I’ve been losing her for 10+ years, bit by bit. Not guilt. A huge distinction.

I'm one of them.

I just try to stay prayed up and hold it together. If I have to vent, I go online somewhere, talk to myself, or pretend to go after my mom almost every time she has me do something or interrupts me while I'm doing something.

My dad suggested on a few occasions to go outside for a few minutes, but at this point, I need to go on a vacation for a few weeks.

Whenever the nightmare ends, I'm tuning out and only focusing on trying to rebuild my life. My mom can get someone else to help, if not check herself into a nursing home.

I have many other responsibilities besides caring for my mother so have searched for the best possible way to meet all of these responsibilities. For me, that means placing my mother in a SNF as she requires 24 hour care. I could never provide that as I don't have training, don't have space in my house and don't have the time. I have a full-time job, two teenage kids (one who needs significant support due to anxiety) and a husband who travels frequently.

I think the only way to deal with the responsibility is to decide what you are capable of doing and find support for anything you can't. You can only live your life if you take the decision to find support. Finding support, either though outside care or placing in AL, MC or SNF doesn't mean you love them less, it means you recognize they need more care than you can provide emotionally or physically. Only you can make both that decision and take the action to make it happen.

I am an only as well and can very much relate. In fact, I am on vacation right now with my teen daughter and husband and feel enormous guilt about it. I just had to place my 90 y.o. dad in a nursing home after a bad fall, surgery and rehab. He has Parkinson's that has progressed a lot, CHF, t2 diabetes and more. Now we are seeing beginning of dementia I think. I feel awful and he's unhappy but we had no other choice, he needs 24/7 care now, can no longer walk, incontinence is bad, cognitive issues etc. And we have no money for 24/7 home care so also on my own, I am having to clean out his big house of 45 years and sell it to pay for care. I have been caring for him 7.5 yrs and part of that time my mom too, then she passed in 2016. They each had strokes within 2 weeks of each other. We have no other family to help, my dad has now outlived most everyone except a few cousins my age who only visit him occasionally. It's been a lot, I am burned out, and experience resentment, then tremendous guilt. Just today my dad was wanting to go home and here I am at the beach, and feel terrible. I even have our former caregiver there visiting him while I am away but he still has this effect on me. So it's really hard to cope and I am trying to live my life and be with my own family but it all just feels all consuming, even though I know I made the right decision and he is getting good care. I will probably be seeking some counseling soon, if you ever want to chat, I am available or if any of the other onlies on here want to create an online support chat, I would be willing. We could try and help each other. Honestly reading here helps me cope when I see others experiencing similar issues.

I’m an only and I’ve been struggling with this too.
when dad was in rehab, I spoke to matron about caring and coping (I’m in the uk) she was one of four, said sometimes having siblings doesn’t make much difference, one can end up doing it all. She also told me I was not responsible for my parents health, that one I’m still working out
Find out about support you can get. Might be a couple of hours a week initially whilst you work out the future, but it gives you some space and time.
talk to people. Friends, a network for carers. I’ve spent so much time recently hiding away, my bestie bulldozed in yesterday and just talking helped so much.

krista I hope your mum settles it is so hard. I hope we all find our ways
take care xxx

I’m the mom of an only child. I plan to go into assisted living or a nursing home or hire people to help me. I want my daughter to be my daughter. I do not want her to be the hired help.

I am caring for my 93 year old parents who didn’t give fig about planning for their old age and did not make any financial provisions to protect their assets. They fully expect their kids to suck it up and be their handmaidens. And after 6 years of this it is getting old.

the major life lesson I learned from this experience is not to be like them.

And I am really hoping not to get as old as them. I want to exit before I am a burden.

I'm an only. It got hard once my father gave up driving. He could walk to his GP but specialists and grocery shopping were on me. He expected me to leave work to fix his remote every time he screwed it up....I shut that down fast. I learned to put up some strong boundaries after he had a health issue that resulted in him running me ragged. When he realized I was not going to come running every time he snapped his fingers he decided to go to AL. It was time because he was getting to the point living on his own was just not working.

I've been told not having a sibling was actually easier. No one to have to run decisions past, no one to feel resentful for spending 5 minutes less with my father than I was.