Opinions needed, how old is "too old" to cook an entire Thanksgiving meal alone?

I had a WONDERFUL thanksgiving. I come from a family of foodies (and I don't mean pretentious gourmands) who celebrate family around food. My sister hosted. She LOVES to do it. Three tables were set with plain tablecloths and colorful print harvest-theme place mats (which she made several years ago). Each table had a centerpiece and candles. Napkins were harvest-theme fingertip towels I'd given her some time ago. Lovely and welcoming tables!

Each person was assigned a dish to bring, commensurate with their skill levels. (I brought an amazing wild-rice/mushroom side dish with Gruyere cheese topping, and a decadent chocolate roulade from Jacques Pepin's recipe.) My nephew's dressing with apples and cranberries was awesome. The buttered, roll-up lefse disappeared moments after it was set on the buffet. There was horseradish sauce for the smoked beef, apricot sauce for the pork tenderloin roast, and, of course, gravy for the turkey. Another nephew brought a huge quantity of garlic mashed potatoes -- his annual specialty. A few of my sister's older grandchildren brought appetizers they had made. All of the food was amazing, and was made with love by people who love making it.

There were no shots (or any guns in sight), but the venison sausage gave testimony to some shooting in the past.

There are always tons of planned-over food. One of my sons bought several packages of food containers of various sizes, washed them the night before, and contributed them. We built two complete meals for persons who couldn't attend, and then packed take-out packages. (I'm working on turkey, pork, and mashed potatoes here at home. Plus a slice of pumpkin pie.)

We ate on a vintage set of stoneware dishes. My two sons washed the dishes, and silverware, and pots and pans, displacing my brother-in-law who usually does that. The younger folks brought the full platters down the stairs to the party room and back up the stairs not-so-full for the food packers and then to the dishwashers.

Two of my nephews were really interested in the pan I brought my rice in. They hefted it for weight and decided it was enameled cast aluminum. They asked what else I made in it. (Did I mention that the entire family is into food in all of its aspects?)

The most contentious discussion all day was whether cream of mushroom soup was a basic ingredient, qualifying a recipe for a "from scratch" designation.

I had a WONDERFUL holiday. I hope (and expect) that as the older generation slows down on these kinds of activities some of the next generation will take over.

Pass the gravy, please.

Oh my goodness, Lassie! He *shot* the turkey..?

I mean, they're not my favourite-ever food but I wouldn't go that far - !

You know .... To me, Thanksgiving is excrutiating, utter BULLSH*T....We have all been brainwashed forever to think of a Big Jolly Waltons-type Holiday, loving relatives all gathered at the matriarch's (0r patriarch's), faces all aglow with love, elders in their wisdom sitting at the head of the table, comical wee grandkids capering about the kid's table, loving brothers/sisters/aunts/uncles/cousins. Holding hands, head bowed saying grace. Just like a darling tv commercial. ... I am a middle-upper class suburban type, and in the last 10 years, here are some Thanksgivings my friends and I suffered through. 1) my bestie was alone because her kids have cut her out of their lives. 2) the next door neighbor, her boyfriend pulled a gun out and shot the turkey. I kid you not. He walked in the kitchen drunk as a skunk and shot the turkey. 3) A mentally ill relative, fed up to THERE with my mother, punched a hole in the wall, ran out into the night and disappeared for two weeks, 4) I took my mother out to eat and her Depends exploded in my car and besmirched my car seat. 5) and (earlier) where was my father in all this? Sitting in his recliner, drinking beer, and watching sportsball, oblivious as a brick wall to everything!  (I, this year, at age 66, have decided I am DONE with it.  My daughter is 30, and if she wants Thanksgiving, and her father wants Thanksgiving, he and she will have to get together next year and buy all that sh*t and cook it themselves.  Or have it catered.  I am done.)

I remember the last time I cooked a Thanksgiving dinner myself. My husband is one of 11 kids, so my MIL only has recipes for 13 people, she was the cook when I was first married. When it was our turn, I worked like a dog for days and spent Friday wiped out.
Then I got together with my SIL's and we did potluck,which we've done ever since; now it's my daughters and DIL's and nieces that cook, and we've had as many as 52 people. One of my SIL's, now early 80's, hosted last year, but again, potluck. This year we had just my immediate family (19 people) at my son's house and my daughters and DILs took charge, assigned me the pumpkin pies and that's all.
When I was a kid, my dad was the chef for holidays and Sunday dinners; my brothers were also the cooks for special meals for their families. But one memory of Thanksgiving was at my dad's mother's, where we did TG as long as she lived (to 93). Once my dad saw her whipping up egg whites for her angel food cake, and told her "Mother, the house is full of women, someone can do this for you." Her answer: "It is my Privilege to make this cake!" Remarkable lady, but not many like her.
One rule at Grandmas, or our house, or holiday dinners at my family's, is that whoever cooks does NOT do the cleanup. The other side of TG at Grandma's was doing the dishes with my cousins, which was a great way for us younger ones to spend time together. But--I'm 70-something and haven't made a holiday dinner by myself in years. And all our menfolk cook.

Dawndy,
Like your posts. After reading, this idea came to mind.

First, as women, many will say: "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, 'cause I am a w o m a n!" Then, when they don't want to cook, at all, or anymore....
Then is when you stop being the hostess.

Think about it.....through the years.....hostess for 15-30 people, half were women?
It must be a rare woman who is doing all that excellent cooking, you know, the rare one who also ends up the caregiver?

Hire an event planner and a cook.

IMHO, let the younger person step up to the plate and cook the Thanksgiving meal.

Because you are too old? Lol.

After backing up and reading more comments, I think I have come to the conclusion that most of the problem with hosting Thanksgiving or any large meals is the lack of PRE-ASSIGNING pre- and post-dinner non-cooking duties. We usually assign food/items for guests to bring, but there needs to be specific assignments for set up, clean up, trash, putting tables, chairs, furniture back. That's where I get exhausted. And the house cleaning that needs to happen a couple days prior, especially bathrooms. As a former special events coordinator who gave out detailed assignments before event day, why the heck haven't I applied this to family dinners?

New2this, Here it is the day after Thanksgiving and just wondering how it all went. I hosted 7 adults and 5 young children for a 3pm dinner, and I. Am. Exhausted. today. Was exhausted to the point of pain last eve after clean up and no help in the kitchen, and I'm in fairly decent shape physically at age 60! A girlfriend had to leave right after the meal to attend another family gathering. She was a surprise guest and great help with last-minute prep yesterday. The two young mothers each brought assigned food, but post-dinner they tended to their babies and kids while my dad and the two young dads visited. I made leftover to-go boxes for everyone and did all the clean up, loaded the dishwasher and then unloaded and loaded it this a.m. and hand-washed items as well. And that was with disposable plates and cups! What so many people don't realize is that EVERY project is "make a mess, clean up a mess." You can't have one without the other if you're going to do it right. Whether it's cooking, gardening, car repair, construction, sewing, whatever...it ain't completed until the mess has been cleaned up and everything put back in order. The "make a mess" part is usually the easiest, but it's often "inconvenient" or "unpleasant" to follow through with the "clean up a mess" part, but it still IS a part. I sure hope some younger folks are reading these posts and step up to bat when it comes to looking for ways and opportunities to lighten someone's load no matter what the situation, especially when their elders are involved.

Your Mother is too fragile to put that dinner together. My prayers go out to you that she survives. Would love to hear what you finally did. If you live nearby maybe you could get her to volunteer at a woman's abuse center or get her to see a counselor to talk to her. I am 75 and could probably go out skiing or get in shape for a ski season out west. I could not make a Thanksgiving Dinner for 14 people. I would end up in the hospital. If your Dad wants leftovers he could order a few extra Thanksgiving Dinners from the caterer or when going out. I remember how delicious Homemade spreads were. At 75 I wouldn't want the meals of my youth laden with fats, salt, white breads and sugars. We had a Thanksgiving Day Dinner at Mother's Senior Facility and I skipped the dishes we used to love. Turkey with gravy, sweet potatoes and marshmellows, green beans in a cream of mushroom sauce. Thankfully plain turkey and  steamed green beans were also on the buffet.

Addenda to my previous post: I was caregiver to my husband, a jerk. He insisted that his family, who never helped, come visit as houseguests for major holidays. They didn't cook, they didn't clean, the got drunk early in the day and let their kids run wild to cause damage to our home. He told me that if I didn't like what they did in my house (that I half paid for), I could leave. So I did. Permanently. But only after he got well enough to look after himself. Really, people, especially caregivers, you don't have to put up with being treated badly by anyone - including your mom's husband, your husband's kids, or the damn Thanksgiving turkey.

I'm 75 and I've hated preparing Thanksgiving dinner all my adult life. I no longer do it and will never do it again. My sister feels the same way. Our problem was that we'd help each other prepare a dinner for 14, but no one else helped cook or cleanup. Since the older ones have died (in their 90s), I've avoided inviting anyone and don't care to accept invitations to anyone else's house for fear of making it harder on them. Enough already. If I unfortunately find myself in a position of having someone at my home for a major holiday, I will order dinner from my local IGA food store. About $45 for a turkey dinner, a great meal, and the only work is setting table and cleaning up. And then I will want help from attendees to do that. Have I made it clear that I HATE Thanksgiving? So do a lot of women. HATE it.

My concern is the abusive husband. This lady needs to go to a good counselor.
It's only my husband 88, and me 77 now, but I still want a nice Thanksgiving and since he is pretty much housebound last year I started buying 2 Thanksgiving take out dinners at Cracker Barrel and they are almost as good a home made, I just make an extra home made special dish from the old days. I do still set the dining room table pretty with candles and best dishes and linens and it is very nice.

Only person, who can do something about this whole affair is your mom. She can say 'NO' and put an end to it. But, I guess, she is the enabling type. You could walk away or help your mom in whatever way you could to lessen her cooking burden. Having said that, there's another way: offer your help and sabotage the whole meal. Make it absolutely unpalatable. Blame it on your mom's weakened abilities. Your stepdad will have no choice, but to go out for buffet. Do it year after year, until he's too afraid to ask your mom to cook again. It's time to teach that cat a lesson!

New, I am wild-guessing what’s the psychological and emotional reasoning for your mom’s behavior towards your stepdad; I think it has to do with your mom considering herself inferior or as if she had to be ‘thankful’ (Thanksgiving appropriate I guess!) for having him as her husband? Maybe because he is 10 years younger? -which, once both are seniors, 10 years mean nothing!-, maybe because she doesn’t want to have a failed marriage, or she doesn’t want to risk being alone at this point in life?...who knows why. But whatever the reason is, there is something that is for sure:

If she doesn’t want to change, you can’t change her. You can only love her.

I think you only had (past tense as Thanksgiving is over) two choices, one is to put her health above everything, and either buy the dinner before she starts cooking, leaving no room for discussion! or go help her make dinner.

Or, second Your choice is to let things be the way she choses. My mom, on most days, choses to do things that I know are a huge risk for her (extreme unnecessary effort), but I let her do it. After a deep analysis of the situation and her emotional state I’ve concluded I should let her be.

Neither choice is a winner for you or for your mom; taking the first avenue you’ll be helping to preserve her physical health, and with the second one you’re respecting her right to be and do what she choses.

Hope you had an as nice as possible Thanksgiving, and above all, you can be thankful that you still have your mom with you! :)

Hope you share her how it went!

First, my Mom was married to the same type of man and it caused many problems. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted regardless of the consequences. I made it clear when I moved in to take care of Mom that I was NOT taking care of him (much to his chagrin). Mom passed away this year so he’s gotten nothing for 7 years. Anyway, I’m now living with my 87 year old aunt. She is of sound mind and in good health. She refuses to let me “wait on her.” We cooked the entire meal for 7 people, yesterday and today except the turkey. She did about a third of it out of stubbornness. My Mom at 60 couldn’t have managed even that. So yes, it’s ability over age, for sure. But, if your Mom doesn’t stand up to her husband or work with you to do so, nothing will change, sadly. She has to live with him ~ her choice. Good luck ❤️

I'm 75 and have just prepared my last Holiday meal (even though most of it was precooked and purchased at local store). The stress of getting the table and house ready is more than I want to go through again. My daughters work full time and don't cook so I have always hosted the holidays, but they don't even stay to clean up. I'm done and don't feel guilty.

Five years ago this week, when my dad was 71, he spent Thanksgiving in the ICU after surviving a massive heart attack. Since then, I've prepared Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. Between his heart issues and my Mom's own health issues, it's just too much for them. I only have one other sibling, who is younger, lives three hours away, and takes little interest in our parents. It's really made the holidays much easier. A few weeks before, I tell him when, where, and what. If he decides to make the trip, great. If not, that's fine.

The first Thanksgiving my Mom didn't cook, I did the major dishes and told her to bring a side or dessert. Since then, she's transitioned into preparing nothing at all. A few times I prepared everything from scratch, but mostly I have purchased a catered meal from our local grocery store. (And, when I do purchase a prepared meal, I always get a larger one, leave leftovers for Mom and Dad for a couple of days, then prep and freeze meals for them to have later.)

It seems you may need to take a firmer stance with your step-father, if you feel comfortable in doing so. He may not even realize what he is doing, and if he does, you should assert the fact that this is your mother, and her health is of the utmost importance to you. If you live close, invite them to your home for the holidays. This puts the ball in your court by allowing who is invited and how the meal is prepared. (I have to say that it's a bit surprising that your step-father's brother does not have Thanksgiving with his own children, especially if they are adults. My dad is close to all his siblings, but it's been years since they've spent a Thanksgiving together.) If he is unwilling to come to your home, tell him and your mom you'll be showing up on their doorstep will a meal in tow. I would also insist on accompanying your mother to an upcoming doctor's appointment. Speak to a healthcare professional as to what is being expected of her during the holidays, and, if necessary, obtain a written statement from her doctor outlining what activities in which she can/cannot participate. Surely a written statement from a doctor would have some sort of impact on your step-father.

I hope you find a solution to this before your mother' health declines further.

I don't think it's about age. But it certainly has to do with health. I would agree with you in that it's not in her best interest to be preparing a whole meal. I would then have to say, what the heck is wrong with him!!! But, you can only do what you can do. Unfortunately, it sounds like a lose, lose situation. Shame on him for behaving the way he is. My heart breaks for you and the stress you are feeling over the concern for your mom. I pray everything works out ok for your mom.

I will never forget the time when my sig other asked me why I was so tired on Thanksgiving. If looks could kill. For once I would like have to have a HOT meal on Thanksgiving without jumping out of my chair for this or that before I had my first bite !!  Since then he has helped in the kitchen.

He was just spoiled by his Mom and all her sisters who would do Thanksgiving, feeding the husband and children first, then his Mom and her sisters would have their meal after everyone else was fed. There would be turkey, ham, roast, Italian dishes, etc. I loved hearing the compliments on the cooking :)

If it was me doing the cooking, the compliment would be "how nice the smoke alarm didn't go off this time" :P

I will never forget, about 5 years ago when my mother was still living at home. I would have to shop, deliver, prep, cook, serve, and wash up a whole Thanksgiving meal. For her and my brother, and myself, husband, and daughter. This was the day before I did the exact same thing for MY family's Thanksgiving, the next day. I had to rush back and forth between the two houses, making sure the turkey was safely thawing, wash it, put it in the pan - and hope mom would remember to put it in the oven! (one time she forgot until we actually GOT there, and we had to sit around for an extra 2-3 hours waiting for it to cook. One time she put it in the oven at 9 in the morning, and it was way done before noon. Plus I had to cook the potatoes, make the salad, put out 'appetizers', make the rolls, the stuffing, bring two-three kinds of dessert, coffee, and the coffee maker, beer, and wine....Then clean up, take home some turkey for sandwiches for that evening, and the next day, exhausted, do the same thing for OUR Thanksgiving, at our home. I hated it. I hated all of it. I hated we didn't have a big jolly happy family with people to help. I hated all that money, all that work, though the next day at our house it went a bit easier because husband helped a little. Finally, I said, that's it, I cannot do this any more. And so I took mom and brother out to eat and was down to only one Thanksgiving meal to deal with. So now mom is dead, brother in a group home (I take him out to eat all the time), daughter out of town, and I don't have to go through all the song and dance of Thanksgiving. (I did ask, several times, if husband wanted a turkey and he assured me he did not, some turkey and gravy from the grocery store sold by the pound would suffice. I can handle that!) ....sorry, off on a tangent with my own depressing story! As for the OP, the mother seems cowed by her bossy husband and, like a pioneer woman of old, will do his bidding until she drops in her tracks. I have had varying success with a prepared turkey and stuff from the grocery store. I know it seems expensive, but it's really not that much more than if you bought everything. It still takes some work to prepare, but it's much much more work doing it all on your own. (because you begin to think, 'well, how hard is it really to put a turkey in the oven/peel and cook potatoes/make a salad...' and down the slippery slope you go! And there you are slaving away, to save, what $20?......I would buy some cooked sliced turkey from the grocery store for his sandwiches - I saw a container near the deli case yesterday, real roasted carved thick turkey slices, a big container $20 or so. Worth every cent. .... If that's what the old man really wants, well, there it is! But I have a feeling he wants 'his' Thanksgiving to go on like it ALWAYS HAS, forever and ever, amen, no matter if the time for it has passed. And if he's a domineering bossy butttthole who wants people in his family to jump at his command, there will always be something he will object to. Good luck! The ball is in the mother's court. She should say, 'I am not cooking Thanksgiving this year.' The. End. Good luck.

I laughed when I read this question - before I continued reading, because at 77 in excellent health, I'm just too tired to do it anymore! Holy cow, she is in terrible health for 73! And, her husband is a thoughtless cad. SORRY! Show him this.

Stop caving in. He expects it.
I like Wittm1's solution, but it has to be one you can stick to. If your mother can't say no, she's either going to die, or maybe you can kidnap her (not really). Good luck, and enjoy her today.

In five years, that will be me, minus the health issues, I hope!
If I were her, I’d cover a thawed, salted, peppered turkey breast with foil and roast, buy a pie, boil peas, let husband open can of cranberries. If they want potatoes, let girlfriend put a few in microwave or mash a panfull. Then be cheerful, ask The nephew when they’re getting married, how many kids they plan, and let the guests clean up after!
The meal doesn’t have to be so complicated! Martha Stewart won’t be there, and if she were, she’d be helping!

Age is not the proper measure; Health is the question to consider

We're doing the same as FF. Today is a day of rest for both of us; we'll get together later this week. The date is irrelevant anyway; it's the thought and spirit that matter.

I know some people would balk at having Thanksgiving Day on a different day on the calendar. Once my Mom couldn't handle doing a full meal, I took over having the meal at my own house. Thanksgiving meal was the Sunday prior to Thanksgiving.

It was less stressful not having to deal with all the shoppers at the grocery store [I don't like crowds], plus I did volunteer work at a local hospital on Thanksgiving and sig other was a Federal Officer thus there were no holidays on his calendar.

My parents went home with a full doggy bag of leftovers, and Dad use to brag that he always had two Thanksgiving meals :)

Today is a day for Thanksgiving. However, it doesn't sound like it's a day that your mom has reason to be thankful, except maybe when the day is over.

I don't think that there is any given age that is "too old" to prepare/host a holiday dinner. It's how the person feels. My husband passed away last year and when I announced that there was no way that I was going to cook and clean and host any holiday meal last year, my 20 something year old kids were disappointed but they totally understood. We went to a friend's home and had a nice day.
I apologize if I'm saying something that is inappropriate, but it sounds like your stepfather is a bit of a bully, and should be ashamed of himself for treating your mom the way he is treating her.

Ultimately, I think that it is up to your mother to put an end to it and tell him that "this year he can cook the dinner, cater it with more servings included then in the past, go out to dinner and order extra portions so that he will have leftovers, or go to one of his friends/family and let them do the work."

Good luck (and Happy Thanksgiving.)

Too old is when the person or the caregiver thinks it's too old. My husband's last Thanksgiving was 11 months before he died. I gave him everything he wanted, including the leftovers for three days that you mention. However, because I was 80 years old, the food was prepared by the deli. I hope your mother did no more than was comfortable this Thanksgiving. I am now 86 and know I am too old to do many things I did before. I live in an independent living facility where they do all the cooking.