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Very interesting to read about Thanksgiving customs. My first husband's mom always insisted on doing meals both Thanksgiving and Christmas for the entire family of three sons and their families...15 people tops. I was divorced from him when I was 30, but he insisted on taking the children over there for holidays until she died of ovarian cancer in spring of her 73rd year. Then the oldest DIL took over. Needless to say, it never got around to me. My daughter never married and as a nurse wanted to work on all holidays to avoid making a choice on where to go--she and her brother (married with two kids) don't get along. Now his wife fixes holiday meals and I contribute (I am 80). I have probably only done 5-6 complete Thanksgiving meals in my life, despite having a setting for 12 of china, crystal and silver--which I have given to my DIL. Somehow being the person that everyone flocks to spend holidays with bypassed me and I am taking my son and his family out to dinner at a fine restaurant!
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Can't read through all these as it is Thanksgiving! But if no one has said it...next year pick-up a thanksgiving dinner at the local grocery store. I have purchased them for anywhere from $59 in the country to $99 in the city. They all had pretty much the same thing (though some places let you select sides); a turkey, sweet potatoes, rolls, green beans. Stuffing, gravy and pie. Mom can make a couple if things if she likes. Pick it up the day before and follow the heating instructions.

I don't see your mother standing up to hubby, so be a dear and invite them to join you at your house for the above store bought meal. Invite them by mid-October. The next year invite them by early October. And if he says he wants it at their house, generously buy the dinner from the grocery store and take it to their house.
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Despite many responses to your question/essay, I am ho-hum about this...
I offer no opinions, aside from saying to ALL who cook for the rest of us, "Thank you...It is delicious."

Grace + Peace,

Bob
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I haven’t read all the comments, so I apologize if this has already been said. My suggestion is instead of focusing on the negatives, focus on the positives. Don’t list all the things that can’t be done, instead list all the things that can be done. Cook turkey 1-3 days prior & reheat in pans the day of. Gravy heated in a crockpot. Less sides made by mom, more sides brought by others or not at all. Mom makes brownies, others bring store-bought pies. Plan the work out over a few days. You can’t fix the obnoxious male behavior; you can help your mom fix her response to it.
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Your Stepfather is the most selfish man I’ve ever heard of. Shame on him. This is WAY too much work for her!!! Do you have brothers & sisters? You guys better put him in his place, quickly.
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Yes it is a lot of work, I am 70 and I get it. But I have worked with people a lot older than me and believe me 70 is not that damn old. Your stepfather is a jerk but then again maybe she wants to do it. Have u sat down with her and actually asked what she wants? I feel that in my opinion which is just that, my opinion, your mother could be gone tomorrow and what is most important to you, helping her cook and being with her or something else? Change the plans around and make the men clean up and u guys sit back and have your coffee. U never know when it’s your last thanksgiving with her. I know I was upset for a good 30 years about having to go to my mother-in-laws every Xmas eve but not I wish she was here so I could go:(
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When my Mom was not able to do much in her kitchen anymore, we made some of the food ourselves and had the local grocery cater the rest. They really did a fantastic job with the food and we looked forward to this each year. Extra food can be ordered for leftovers. Now that my Mom has been gone for a couple of holidays, my MIL has us over. She prepares a huge dinner and is 87. She lives some distance away and I went up there a couple days early and helped with the prep. She insists on a 22+ pound turkey for just a few people and makes 3 of everything, veggies, desserts, etc. I really wish she would keep things simple. She somehow psychologically feels the need to cook for 20 people when only 5 are there. The clean up is daunting, she leaves that for us, and I wish she would keep things more simple. I am a big fan of catering some of the food and keeping it simple but nice.
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My mother was well into her 80s and continued to cook for the family. My Father helped her, he was like that. One day she just stopped, I didn't know it at the time but she was getting dementia. She never cooked again, not for my father not at all. So she passed me the torch. Maybe you can go over to your mothers house and help her without making a big deal of it. Instead of going out to dinner. Bring a couple dishes of sweet potato casserole maybe or what ever you want. 0r ask her see what she says. Would she mind do you think?
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Sweetheart its not about being "too old" it's about being "in pain". I'm 58 years young and developed a lower back pain that just won't quit. I am only cooking for my mother and I and everything is coming out of boxes or cans. I bought frozen pies. To me, it's about the togetherness, not just the food. Your mother is not a complainer but that doesn't mean she doesn't hurt. Your stepfather is selfish and needs to be pulled aside and ask him who is going to feed him leftovers when your mother has passed on. Leftovers or just a hot meal, it's obvious he hasn't missed either so yes, our elders sometimes just have to be told once upon a time you watched just a black and white tv now look at you. Get with the changes of season and enjoy the memories of your leftovers of past. Your mother may feel she is losing her hold on life if she doesn't comply. For me, I have some boxes and cans to open to make my dinner. (wink) Good luck.
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Several years back we all decided that we each were tired of hosting but wanted to get together.

Can you say "Chinese Buffet?" They're not only open on Thanksgiving & Christmas - they love to host the big parties!! Everyone paid for their own and no cleanup.

We continued doing this every year until Pop passed away in 2011 (Mom left in 2004).
I'm glad we have the memories because now my DH is 96 and I am caregiver 24/7 for him, my sister's DH has Pulmonary Fibrosis - terminal, and the other sister came home on Tuesday after Open Heart Surgery.

It isn't the age - it's the health situation. I would hand Step-Dad the oven mitts and tell him to cook his own damn leftovers! Boy, I'd love to see that happen.
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New2this, please let us know how this all works out!

You know, you can invite grump to your home, keep the thermostat where you want it and cook foods that you like.

Let him complain. Then let let him storm off in a huff.  Won't hurt you. 

Ps, has he been evaluated for cognitive decline?
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We already know it isn't an age thing. I'm 61 and have cooked the Thanksgiving dinner just over 40 years. Some years it was only for a few people, one year it was over 50 people! This year I'm not too old, but for the first time another family member and friend decided it was year to take a break.

Hubby passed the 20th of last month, and everyone figured I could use the break. You know what? I'm looking forward to it.

Back to the OP's issue. Your mama is married to a horse's rear. However you don't get any real say in the issue, until mom invites you to step in. Too late for this meal, but you have Christmas dinner around the corner and if you are lucky mom next Thanksgiving. Suggestion, it sucks but could make peace, how about you cook the meal? Then grumpy guy gets his leftovers, and mama gets a rest.
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I'm 64. Arthritis and back problems - chronic pain. I can't do it any more. Not even if it's just myself. I have to ask that if he wants it so bad, why doesn't *he* make it?
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I agree with cwillie in a lot of ways but I'm sorry...why are YOU not in there helping?????? I'm 64 and have done the family meal since 1983, for as many as 14 people...and I don't like to cook, as a general rule. But I would NEVER EVER desert my mother to do it by herself, even if I didn't agree!!!! How are you going to feel if she has a stroke fixing the meal while you were at your buffet??? (I'm guessing you will blame the stepfather to hide your guilt at deserting your mother) How many more Thanksgivings is she going to be with you? Are you going to allow your resentment to rob you of these moments? Know it is too late now, but if nothing else, you could have ordered a meal from local grocery (or hospital) , and had the girlfriend and you bring extra side dishes/pies....which you could have even BOUGHT if you didn't want to prepare. Yes, your stepfather is TOTALLY wrong here, and your mothere is enabling him, but you can't control him...you can only control YOU and how you are going to help PROTECT your mother! For the love of Pete...it is ONE DAY you are giving up. Pull up your big girl panties (if the poor woman makes it to next year), buy a dinner and use nice disposable plates if that is all the effort you want to put into it. And enjoy the time you have left with her!!!!!
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One other suggestion... while helping mom clean up, grab up all the leftovers and take them home with you. Then grumpy old man won't get his leftovers. Really, if she can't even make herself a cup of coffee, it's going to be dangerous for her to make the whole meal.
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Worst Thanksgiving Dinner ever made by my sister-in-law... Turkey roll (do they still make these?), stove top stuffing and boxed (before they were good) mashed potatoes. Needless to say, she wasn't allowed to do the dinner anymore. Since mom can't stand up to the dad (and surprise! I understand this), take mom to your place one or two days before (kidnap her if you have to) and don't bring her back until after the holiday. Let the grumpy, demanding old man yell his head off. Either that or maybe she can find one of those turkey rolls.....
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Old fart wants leftovers, huh? Would be so comical if mom could come up with turkey leftovers and just hand it to him in a bag with her coat on and halfway out the door and say, "There's your leftovers, sweetie, have a good time and see ya after the buffet," and get into somebody's waiting car. And let him handle all the relatives he invited, lol.
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I know this is a tough call but time to call elder protective services. Seriously! This can't possibly be the only thing he is being demanding about. What a jerk! And what about the other people. They can't help a little? I'm 63 myself and my son and his girlfriend have taken on all this responsibility without anyone asking them to. I have severe arthritis in my shoulders and can't lug a turkey in and out of the oven myself. I do some stuff but they do most. Selfish people are worthless.
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New2This, and let us not forget there is more than cooking a huge meal... there is the cleaning of the house prior to the guest coming. And that alone can exhaust someone, no matter what age, who has physical conditions.

In my childhood, I remember my Mom getting up at 4 a.m. to get the turkey ready to cook, and to prepare the stuffing from scratch as there wasn't Stove Top Stuffing or anything similar. She enjoyed cooking, plus that was her "job" as a wife.

I hate cooking, it's like a science project that goes bad :P Thank goodness for pre-cooked turkey plus sides that the grocery stores sell [usually one has to pre-order a week prior]. Your Mom should look into these meals. We always had enough left over after 4 being at the table, and the cat demanding his fair share.... even enough to give to my parents for several more meals/sandwiches.
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New2This, you said in your post that she is often confused and has trouble making a single cup of coffee. Well, those who eat her food may do so at their own peril. What if she gets confused and forgets how long to cook the bird and it's not done. Or, what if she forgets to wash her hands after handling the poultry and handles other food items. That would be be my concern. But, it's not likely you can do much about it. My mom is pretty much the same way, but, I do stand by and watch and help. I doubt she will ever give it up voluntarily.
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No one is too old to cook a fabulous meal. They are too disabled, confused or in too much pain. Get over it people age had nothing to do with it.
What this Mom needs is to decide which part of the meal she wants to prepare. The turkey , a small one comes to mind but she may choose potato salad which can be made the day ahead or just go out and buy a pumpkin pie. Having made her choice she makes a list of everything else needed and gives one or two items for each to bring. Aunt Mabel who is 93 can just be asked to bring a package of brown and serve rolls. The useless idle men get the wines and other drinks And are resonsible for serving those. Anyone old or physically unable buys something that requires no preparation like cheese and crackers or the disposeable plates. Anyone who "forgets" their contribution is given the clean up. I do think you should be there because someone needs to act as Ringmaster or Mom will cave. You and hubby can either go out after an early meal or even once it is safely on the table and enjoy your own time together.
I am 78 and currently not capable of hosting anything but we go to my daughters and I make and take the Christmas pudding. Used to make the traditional cake as well till everyone said they don't need that.
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Building upon Mincemeat's plan, the nephew should also be helping. Time to retrain the next generation.
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I am worried for your mother, New...keep an eye on your step dad. My dad was a slave driver and in my opinion, he guilted and worked my Mother to death. How about you get ahold of your Mom's credit card and order a triple portion precooked meal from a Kroger or Safeway store. Most of these stores also will bring it out "curbside" to you. You could pick it up and deliver it to Mom's house. Call the girlfriend and guilt her into doing the heating, setting table, doing dishes. Argh! Makes me so mad. The last time I served a big family dinner for 18 people, only one person stayed in kitchen with me to do dishes, clean up, put away.....time for some retraining of the troops!!!!
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I put an end to this a few years ago.

What I did? I preemptively invited everyone for to thanksgiving dinner at the local restaurant. Explained to everyone that we needed to give Mom a nice break. Then, once everyone agreeed....invited my parents ..saying that the whole family was going o be there..they just had to come too.

Even if Mom was forced to cook that dinner...it was going to be dinner for two. She could just get a precooked bird...sides of this and that and heat it up.

That was the last time anyone accepted an invite to a meal Mom was going o be required to cook.   Every year they came to dinner at the restaurant till they moved out of State
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CM,
What an excellent resource! Mary Berry's Malay Chicken Rice recipe, on video, on my kindle! Thanks, so thankful! A Brit cyber-cooking in my own home! So much more interesting than -oh, I have forgotten her name-the one with a magazine who was in jail?
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Yeah GA, his family is different from my real Dad's. We went there until I was 19 or 20. We had all hands on deck to cook, bring dishes we'd made, wash dishes. My Grandpa and Great Grandpa lifted everything heavy, carved the meats, set up extra seating, Grandpa made his famous potatoes. I had suggested that we all get together early and do this, Stepfather said the other guests have too far to drive to contribute, (3 hour-1/2 hours), and he doesn't know how to cook. I ask them over quite a bit for other meals, he usually wants them at his house because he has some peculiar tastes, wants to oversee it and make sure Mom cooks everything his way, plus wants the meat overcooked until it's shoe leather and hard to chew! :-). We always start his meat early, have even told him he could bring his onion powdered soup mix over and we'll put it on just his. But then condiments are wrong brands, he likes margarine not butter, etc. Wants the heat kept so high everyone else is ready to pass out, so has to keep it at his place so he can control it all to his liking. He actually asked me if I'd talked to Mom about Christmas dinner and New Year's Eve dinner yet the other day, right in front of her like she wasn't there, when I said no he proceeded to tell me he wanted fondue for one, (which is easy enough), didn't even hear what the other one was because I was so mad that he thinks he has the right to decide everything for everyone else. We have a pretty nice house with big kitchen, it's pleasant, clean, I'm a super good cook, poor husband hates Lipton onion soup mix which is liberally sprinkled on everything and cooked in, ...ugh. Guess that's just how it is. I hope she'll be OK. I just wanted to be with her. I didn't get to be with her many holidays in the past.
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Yes, CM, back to the age qualification.
I am too old.

Liking this thread/question, I have read it over.
I think Cwillie has an excellent answer!
Of course, Thanksgiving in Canada was in October, I think.

What would Gershun say?
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Oh Jeanne,
Thank you! But we have made other "plans", Lol.
I would have come just for one slice of your famous cake and to meet you in person.

Can you send the wild rice recipe?
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Back to the age qualification: Mary Berry has just launched a new t.v. series and she's 82.

I am grateful to her for a lemon cheesecake recipe which is delish. Having said that I can't bear to look at the woman - unforgivably reminiscent of my MIL.

And the late Evelyn Rose was doing Passover forever.

Age is no barrier provided the mind and whisking wrist remain strong.

Hmm. Don't know if this idea would fly. But have you thought of inviting your mother to join you and your husband? I assume she's only metaphorically chained to the kitchen, and I'm sure those big strong men would manage somehow (though it might be an act of mercy to give a heads-up to that girlfriend, too).
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Sendhelp, don't invite you? Really? Even if I make my fabulous wild rice/mushroom side dish? You could just bring some wine. Or maybe you'd rather come to the Italian meal I'm hosting next Sunday. I still need someone to bring baguettes or Vienna bread. (Wine is already spoken for.)
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