Recently, mother was moved to a nursing home. Father of 90 year is left to his own devices to continue every day living. Problem is, he is blind and almost deaf, mobility is extremely limited and he refuses to leave his home. He's never seen a Dr. in his life and refuses to see one when it is suggested. I don't think he has insurance. Recently, he took a bath but could not get out of it for several hours. I've offered to assist in this matter but he refuses. He also refuses to purchase a life alert system in case of an emergency. I do my best to see to his meals but often he refuses to eat them and refuses to tell me what he likes or to agree on a set time for mealtime. My routine now is to prepare meals whether he eats them or not, clean house, ensure his laundry is clean, pay his bills and purchase groceries. We live in a small rural community so assistance is all but non-existent. I work and am finding this exhausting. I worry about neglect charges should something serious occur with him. What options do I have?
Let your Dad make his own meals once in awhile, he won't starve, any guy can pour himself a bowl of cereal. If it is ok for breakfast, it's ok for dinner, too.
Cut your chores at his house in half. I can see you helping him with his bills and his groceries, but come on, a grown man can just as easily use a vacuum cleaner as a grown woman, unless he hides under the bed when you vacuum, and the washing machine isn't that complicated for him to use. My 96 year old Mom is almost blind/deaf and she still does household chores.
Your Dad grew up in an era where housework was women's work.... good heavens, how did bachelors survive :0
My Dad also refuses to purchase a life alert system in case of an emergency... so be it, that is his choice to say *no*... and it will be his choice to lay in the dirt in his backyard should he fall until a neighbor see him down. My Mom won't be able to see him.... [sigh].
How would there be neglect charges should something serious occurs? He's a grown man, who is making his own choices. Sounds like he still has a clear mind. You can't carry him kicking and screaming into a retirement facility.
I would get a medical alert button on him, put it on your credit card so he does not see the bill. I suspect he has limited funds and seeing those types of bills frightens them. I had my father's medical alert on my credit card for at least 10 years starting about age 83 years because I worked also.
He needs help with the highly risky things like bathing --a fall in the bathtub will put him in a nursing home or grave. I would try to reason the need for safety on these issues and give him time to think about the consequences. Perhaps a home health aide a few hours each day for bathing and dressing would be workable.
Good luck, he does need a doctor and if you could find one which makes home visits or at least takes phone calls when he gets sick at home, that would be the best.
As for suggestions to ignore his needs at 90 to show him he needs help, he knows he needs help but he wants to do for himself. Being too forceful with elderly men normally does not work--even if you prevail by forcing him to comply with what you think he needs --- he will resent it and your loving relationship will be dead way before he is.
If he was a veteran see if he can qualify for the aide and assistance program to provide money for veterans to stay in their homes with home health aides and other help. I would consider getting him meals on wheels to take that request off your must do list.
My mother took care of his physical needs. He didn't want to eat the meals we cooked for him if they were too heavy. What I did was to make lighter meals. He liked eggs and many finger foods. His stomach was touchy, so heavy foods weren't appealing to him. I also kept a lot of snacks on hand so he could raid them when he was hungry. Single-serving cakes, ice cream, cookies, yogurt -- anything he liked. I think these snacks kept him going for a couple of years.
I wish things had been different for him. I lived with my parents, which made it easier to make sure things were there as needed... and more difficult because I had to watch Dad's descent as he chose not to keep living. I respected his right to make that choice. We did what we could in a losing situation to keep him fed and clean.
I, too, am an only child, since it was my parents choice to remain alone with their own home [which has a lot of stairs] I have to abide by their choice since they are still of clear mind. Do I like it, of course not, as I rather see them in independent living where they would actually have MORE choices then waiting for me to help them. My parents main needs is someone to drive them places, and I finally had to limit that to doctors appointments and groceries [I order on-line which has been a life saver]. But those appointments have to be scheduled around my work schedule as I cannot drop what I am doing unless there is an emergency.
I think that health comes first or should I say goes first and then the willingness goes in the waste pile. Even if willingness is there it can not sometimes be exercised. I want to retire in a state where assisted sueicide is legal. All my 90 year old parents do is eat and watch TV. They have trouble with the mail and do not know how to use the stove. They need help but become nasty when someone tried to help them. Even if you have POA you can not force them out of their home. Sorry
Cut your visits down to no more than twice a week (at most). Call him every day to make sure he answers the phone. When you're concerned because he doesn't? Don't go over there. Call 911 and ask them to do a wellness check. This'll do two things: let dad know that authorities will look into his well being (which may make him nervous-good) AND let law enforcement have a look at his living conditions.
Bring him healthy soups, stews, lasagna to pop in the oven, fried chicken, finger foods. Explain what you've brought and how to fix each one. Have peanut butter, bread and hard-boiled eggs available. Then close your eyes. In a week, throw out what he hasn't eaten and bring more.
Stop cleaning his house. Take his dirty laundry home one trip and bring it back clean the next. If he can't keep his house somewhat sanitary/clean by himself? He needs to pay someone to do it. If he can't afford it? You can apply to Medicaid on his behalf. If you live in a rural area, it's highly likely there'll be someone who'll clean (AND do laundry) twice a month for very little in the scheme of things. (Put a lock on one of the bedroom doors for any valuables or remove them from the house.)
As long as you're doing everything FOR him, he'll do nothing for himself. No pain? No gain. Back off. Give yourself a rest. And don't feel guilty.
Luckily for me, my dad went first. My mom is very independent and used to doing for herself. If it been my dad, I'd be living the nightmare that Goose333 is dealing with right now. So relax and let it go. You're fighting a losing battle that will only make you crazy and won't change your parents at all.