Our 97-year-old mum does not like being on her own & now considering a care home, but I can’t let go after looking after her for over 2 years at my home. Any advice?

You are lucky that your mother is considering an assisted living/memory care/skilled nursing facility. She may not want to be more of a burden on you as her health declines. You said that the burden of her care is becoming too much for you. It will only become worse if her health and capabilities decline further, which is likely to happen. Look for a good facility near you so that you can visit often and oversee her care. Try to find a place that can care for her if her health declines further and she needs higher levels of care. She may have to move to a different unit, but it is easier if it is in the same facility. A good facility has professional staff, including a 24/7 nurse, they will assign a case manager, they provide meals, cleaning services, laundry services, appropriate activities, outings, etc. If she needs it, staff will help her with bathing, dressing, taking her medications, mobility, toileting. Get all of your mother's paperwork in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical (health care proxy) and financial matters, have a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets. You will need an attorney for this, or connect with a local social worker to get access to forms and information. A social worker may be able to recommend free or inexpensive ways to get help. If you will be her POA, ask your mother if you should take over her finances at this point, including paying her bills, etc. Set up her accounts online, and paperless if this helps. She should take a minimum of clothes and things to an assisted living home: no valuable jewelry or items, or financial papers. Only bring comfortable clothing that is easy to get on and off, and can take hot wash and hot dry. In some facilities she can bring her own bedding and furniture. All the best to you both and your family.

Izzabelle10: The care home is no doubt the best choice for your mother AND you, else you experience caregiver burnout. No caregiver can provide infinite care.

I wouldn’t consider it an awful problem. I’d consider it a wonderful solution to something that’s affecting my health. I’d help her to go where she wants to be.

I hope you will!

The question is "Why can't you let go"? You will need to do some soul-searching to answer that question. In the meantime, you and your mom need to find a care home. Your mom is 97 years old. She has earned the right to choose whether she lives with you or in a care home. My aunt was 95 when her daughter insisted on my aunt living with her. It lasted one year. My aunt was a very independent person and her daughter liked to "mother" her. After my aunt insisted that she move to a care home, she lived contentedly until she was 101 years old. She and her daughter remained affectionate and respectful until my aunt passed away.

If it's her choice, let her go. Wouldn't be nice to actually visit with her and not have to do the chores with caregiving? Let others do the heavy work and you be able to just enjoy her company? You would still need to visit quite often to observe for yourself that all her needs are met.

Check out activities available. She may get more engaged and be around people her own age. If she's really not happy there, bring her home again.

Follow Mum's wishes and free your family and yourself.

Oh my goodness, take your mom and look at a couple of facilities. There may be activities she’d like, and like to make some friends!

If your mother wants or is willing to and able to afford a care home, let her. There are many options she can choose from to fit her needs and life style. Your family will be less stressed and can enjoy visiting with your mom and you can have her to your home for visits or family functions. It will be so much better for everyone. LET HER GO!

Do you feel it is your obligation to take care of your mother?
Even if she goes to facility you still will.
Caring is not just keeping parents or partners at home.
My husband although unlikely for dementia to show up but motor skills diminishing with Parkinson’s he will likely in few years or even months need help I cannot provide physically. Going to live in facility will be beneficial for him, I cannot provide 24/7 care, exercise, recreational activities and medical assistance. And he agrees 100%.
We need to be realistic, put emotions aside.

God Bless your mother at 97, however, she has less of a life to live than her family does. How about looking into assisted living for you mom? That way she will not have to be alone, will have staff to care for her, provide activities and have relatives visit or do FaceTime for her. It also makes you happier relatives instead of just caregivers.

I agree with the others. You are grieving who she was in the past; your mother (amazingly) is looking ahead. She won't get younger, she is one fall away from a crisis. You are doing all of you a favor to get her moved and adjusted ASAP. You are not abandoning her. You can spend time with every day if you choose to, and go back to being her daughter and leave the caregiving to someone else. (Trust me, you will still be the team manager!) And if you are feeling shame or guilt (which is not a word I use), let it go. You are actually showing her great love and respect. You've got this.

Most people have the opposite problem that their LO does not want to go to a residential facility. How fortunate your mother is willing and ready to make that move.

Let go of your own need to feel useful and needed by having your mother in your home. Help her make the move that will give all of you more independence.

Honor your mother's wishes.......
Besides, it is " patient rights" to make own choices, say yes or no to options .... Let her have the dignity of making her choice heard..... Be in conversation with her about her....not anyone else

I’m wondering if your resistance might be due to avoiding grief…? I believe that sometimes we would rather over-extend ourselves than face the implications of what moving her means. Best to face the pain head on, have a good ugly-cry, and you might find some freedom/relief on the other side. Sending you lots of hugs.

Please allow your mother to go to a care home. You can visit as often as you like.

Ok, now I'm confused. You say that you and your whole family are all stressed out over your mums care, yet you don't want to honor her wishes and let her go into a care home. Why?
Let her go into a "care home" so she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you and the rest of your family can get on with living and enjoying your lives. It will be a win win for all involved.

You have become a roadblock to your mother doing what is right for her. Ask yourself "What is my payoff, why can't I let go?".

Their is no awful problem, you are trying to create one.

Do as she asks, let her go, focus on your family, husband, children, grands, that is what you should be doing in the first place.

Time for the both of you to move on.

Choose the in facility care for your Mom. Your obligation is you your own family. This, as you tell us, cannot go on. If you have been on this forum for any time you will understand that this is the same dilemma that almost all of the members face. You are right. It's awful. But not everything can be fixed. Some things just have to be endured best we can, and this is one of them.

Welcome, Izzabelle,

Why do you feel you can't let mom go to a care home?

Is she considering Assisted Living?

Has she had a "needs assessment" from the local Area Agency on Aging so that you know what sort of facility to look for? That is often the best first step.