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Hi,
I am a 33 year old guy with a wife and 13 yr old stepson. I don't yet have any kids of my own, but would really like to have one or more if possible. I am concerned that I may have to become a caregiver soon. I am stressing because of the possible amount of people who will rely on me for care.
My dad has an almost 20 year history of having strokes and is now on dialysis and is in the hospital almost monthly for various problems. His mental function is declining and he is fairly lazy in wanting my terminally ill mom to wait on him hand and foot and to clean up after him when he vomits. He also has pretty poor eyesight and can no longer drive. At times, he even needs help eating.
There is no way he could funtion on his own when my mom passes.
My mom is currently battling stage 4 cancer and is doing chemo to really try to give her a bit more time here. She is weakening quickly and may need alot of help soon.
The thing that really complicated things is that my brother has lost his eyesight and is legally blind. He knew for years that he had diabetes, but never tried to take care of himself. He eats like crap still. He is on dialysis and is also in and out of the hospital. He has no wife or kids so once again, it may fall on me somehow to take care of him soon.
We have a really small house with a tiny spare room. Ideally that would be the babies room, but we may very well have to turn it intoy mom and or dad's room instead. That would leave no space at all for another child.
This probably sounds selfish, but I think I should be able to have room for another child if we want one.

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My advice to you would be to look into care facilities for your loved ones.

Also I would like to say that children can share rooms.
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Thank you txcamper!
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I can't quite see a 13 year old sharing a room with a baby. Too many disturbances during the night.
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You're right, cmagnum. The cell phone texting and notifications would probably disturb the baby - Ha Ha.

No seriously, where there's a will there's a way. Keep the baby in your room for a while in a bassinet, then a small crib. By that time the baby should be sleeping through the night. I grew up in a large family, I never had a room to myself. Still don't.

When my granddaughter went to college and had to share a dorm room, she nearly went into shock. Somehow she managed to convince her parents that she needed her own apartment. Too funny.
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contact your local area agency on aging, they will be able to give you information on options in your area. There are programs available for in home care as well as paying for a nursing home or assisted living facility. You can only do so much so take a deep breath. Attend a dr. appointment with your dad, see what kind of care the doctor recommends, make sure he/she knows your mom is ill and not really able to care for dad. I am a caregiver too, but if my dad needed home care for an extended time, I know I can't quite work to take care of him, nor can most people. Spend quality time with them while you can, look for in home services or look into the possibility of both going into a facility; this would be easier for both of them for they'd have medical personnel caring for them 24 hrs. a day. You wouldn't have to worry about cooking or home chores etc. You may want to speak with an attorney regarding paying for a nursing home and saving the family home (if they own). good luck, I know it's frustrating and depression but remember you are not alone.. There are many caregivers with all sorts of caregiving needs. Life is to short not to enjoy it.
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I agree with you. Do not even offer to take them in. Help arrange care for them, etc. but you need to have a life, too.

Your parents both seem like they could arrange for their own long term care, I would encourage that. If one should happen to go to the hospital, it is easier to get them placed from there. Keep stating to the doctors that they cannot go home.

Good luck. Take care of yourself.
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You have ZERO obligation to take in your father or your brother. ZERO. As a loving son/brother, you can do what you can to help them, while realizing that your FIRST priority is to your wife and children. They come first.

Start researching facilities for both of them and as Chicago says, if they go to the hospital, say they cannot go home. The hospital folks may push you to take them (it makes their lives easier). But that's not what you want or need.

Spend some time on here and look at all of the stories about what a nightmare it can be to move family members in with you. The fact that neither your dad or brother show any inclination to take care of themselves makes it even more important for you to set boundaries. They'd be happy to have you take over and take care of them. Don't do it.
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Drew, if you start to feel overwhelmed read this article, it was a life saver for me because I knew there just wasn't any way I could be a physical hands-on caregiver, but I could give help in other ways.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
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There is time to make plans and find out information. Sounds like your mom could use some HOSPICE care and not be a caregiver herself. Finding proper placement for your brother and father. If dad is hospitalized or mom is, that is the perfect time to make a change in housing for them. Have an idea where you want them to go. (Go and visit places now so that you already have seen some of your choices.)

Your brother, contact the services for blind in your state. They can help him find housing and assistance. Since he is or will be blind he can qualify for disabled housing and assistance...not your problem.

There may still be a great deal to take care of from afar without being the primary care taker.

Save that room for babies! Stay connected on here and Best wishes!
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If you are feeling overwhelmed and depressed, please talk with someone about your feelings (perhaps your PCP) and find a councilor or local support group. Don't let the depression affect your wife and child and work. A short term on an antidepressant may do wonders...
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thank you all for the input! i have some phone calls to make for sure. getting things put into place ahead of time could spare me some stress later.
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I cared for my husband who had lewy body dementa and parkensons for 10 years completely by myself. Hus 2 sons by a former marriage and cousins were quick to point out it was not their problem the whole sickness and health, bettet or worse, I must not really love him bs. I lived with my husband for 7 years before we married. I was away for a year. He told me he lost his eyesight for 3 weeks but doctors could not find anything wrong. Parkensons doesnt always come with tremours. Guess what 6 weeks after we were married. Took him to the dr where he was diagonsed with these things. Five years later the cat scans show up that he had had several pin strokes ergo loss of vision. I am the idoit. I stayed with him. In December 2012 gall bladder surgery nursing home. He signs poa to cousin. Who will not pay mortgage payment, utilites, I am left homeless, broke, no financial support, no job because I was caring for him. He is peeing anf pooping everywhere, coudin steals our cars, with poa sells them, puts all the bills on me, ruint my crefit, filed a complaint with dfcas for elder abuse on me, claim dismissed. Husband can order porn via pay fir view but can not call 911 when I'm having a stroke. Threw up for 4 years, went into kidney failure and finally went to sleep and stopped breathing. Woke up in hospital few days latet with a ventilator down my throat and the drs telling me what happened said they callef hubby and his ciusin and they saud not their problem. By the time, I got out of the hospital, husband signed yet another poa and everything of any value had been taken out of out apt. My clothes were piled in his bed which was soaked with urine and feces. Have never heard from him again, cause cousin says state says you cant talk to him. Lie. Then he just doesnt want to talk to you, but demands my pension check to care for him. There is true evil out there. Anything can be done to anybody. Love is one thing, but abuse is abuse. Take care of yourself. Put them in a home if you do not have help or take them to the doorstep of a famuly member who should be helping or take them to DC. These situations are not random. They are not the exception. Family. Medicare. Social security does not want thus expense so they find domeone who that can put it on and it is killing caring caregivers. I will never revover physically
Financually or emotionally ovet this abuse. Shelterd are full of disabled people with dementia
Parkendons, on walkers etv thst fsmilirs will nit care for. It is an ugly truth. It is all about the benajimins. Something shoykd be done. Caregivers have a right to life. We shoykd nit have to syffer because a loved got sick. We should not have to be worked to exhausation. We should not have to due. We need help. This situation is horrible to all. Greed and lack of support cause millions to suffer. Who will be there fir you. No one.
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deadonarrival, please note that social security is a retirement plan that those of us who have worked have paid into the system... it was put into place because many workers were not putting money into savings for retirement. Without social security things would be really dire.

I am curious how a cousin became POA when your husband had late stage dementia? No attorney would have allowed that to become legal.
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I am well aware of what social security is. My husband and I have paid into this our entire lives. He is 72 now. We also had 401k's. Between 2008 and his cousin, there is nothing left. I don't know how all this is legal either, but I don't have the money for an attorney either. And, no attorney will take my case for less than a 10k retainer. His cousin has done the same thing to her mother, uncle, and former husband. She has financed her life on her dying relatives. The entire clan is manipulative, controlling and know all the right people. I get so angry, I just have to walk away. My husband was not kind to his first wife either. I begged him not to make her move from the home they raised their children in. He didn't but I paid dearly for it. Just got involved with some really sick narcissistic people. The thing is these diseases are horrible without the mental and personality disorders help. My mom and dad were in the same hospital at the same time in 2006 dying and my husband we continuously calling me asking me how much longer I was going to be because he wanted a sub sandwich from Subway and didn't feel like going to get it. I lost bith my parents within 19 days of each other in 2006. He wouldn't even go to the funeral with me or with me to my youngest 2 daughters wedding. Really I've been thinking a lot about this post since I posted it. I still don't know how much ed his illness and how much was the Parkensons and dementia. He could sure get up and use the bedside commode in the living room when my children or friends came over right in front of them. They of course, stopped coming over and when I didn't have company, he didn't bother to try to accommodate the bedside commode at alk the diaper was easier, but he immediately infirmed be he had relieved himself and that I needed to clean him up. I'm just saying, he could and did work this situation. You can't be on again and off again. So, I world really like to know myself. I have never had food stamps, worked my whole life. Raised 4 incredible children, which of course, he finds fault with. One is a dvm, one a decorated field combat medic and now a flight medic, a cpa and a Phd in English Literature. So, somebody please tell me, how can all this be. D close d I've come to any answer is that the entire family is SICK. I'd rather just be broke than there. It is just hard when you are 62 and starting with nothing and all you worked for in your life had been stolen and taken by greedy relatives. I'm a grandmother with my own health problems and walking. I could have been working all these years, but the social worker from the Division on Aging, told me my wanting to work was a pipe dream because I had to take care of him. I can not count how many times, I've been in ER for being thrown p against a wall, black eyes, had him throw hot coffee on me. I've filed reports and the investigation always come back oh, he's sick. He doesn't know what he's doing. And, we he wants sex, he tells me to wash his penis and climb onboard. I'm telling you this stiff happens. I knl
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This is for deadonarrival: I do believe that in cases of abuse, it is all right to leave a marriage. Please consider going to an abused women's shelter. Call the police department and they can direct you. Since you no longer have many belongings, there won't be much to pack or to leave behind.

Your children will likely support you 100% in this, I'm sure that they are concerned for your wellbeing. Leave the man to the cousin he prefers.
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I didn't leave him. When he was notified by the hospital that I had arrived at the hospital dead on arrival and that they had revived me, according to my doctor, my husband told him, that I wasnt his problem. His cousin showed up at the ICU demanding that I sign a POA for her so, that my husband could have my pension check. I've spent the past year putting my life together. Today my kidneys have recovered. I havent vomitted in a year, my body hair started growing again, and I no longer have the 3 different anemias killing me. I never told my children any of this. My son was in a war zone. One daughter was pregnant, one daughter finishing vet school and another getting her Phd. My marriage, my problems and all this drama is my problem, not theirs. It has been hard and heart breaking, but it is in the past. I havent spoken to my husband in over a year and will only see him when this goes to court. I did run into his cousin a couple of weeks ago and she preceeded to tell me how right she had done by me. Not my problem anymore. She had my cat of 17 years put to sleeo and gave my dog away. I looked at my credit report this past wkend and found new horrors. Sad part, at one time I really, really loved my husband, the day we got marrued he started the abuse. I suppose when he realuzed that I could not leave him because if his illness, because his cousin told him he could have me arrested for neglect if I did. The crap got real real. Real fast. Really, I'm okay. I just wanted people out there to know that this is going on. I have been seeing a therapist since 2011 over this. He said that as bad as all this is or was, he has seen worse. I can not today even entertain the thought of a special someone in my life. Maybe never will, but like the doctors told me, they'll be time for dreams one day. Please if you find yourself or kniw simeone in a similar situation advise them to contact the Domestic Volence Hot Line. No one shoyld ever suffer luke I dud. I just wanted others to know. This matter was never addressed on sites that I researched and I researched a lot. I thought and was told it was the deases, but it is not. It is abuse, but no one wants to talk about it. I did not want to put my husband in a nursing home. I did not want him to endure this by himself. He punished me and so did his family. I didnt make him ill. I was there every minute of everyday until I died. Please take care of yoyrselves. It is too much for one person.
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Dear Drewbot - My heart goes out to you. Without knowing details, here are some general suggestions. 1) Help your brother and dad apply for Medicaid and find LTC facilities for their placement. 2) You didn't indicate your poor mom's prognosis, age, or approximate time left with you, but if she's on Medicare, it appears that she is a candidate for hospice. Her doctor can provide you with a Physician's Order for hospice care or send it directly to a Medicare Approved Hospice provider. They will set you up with any necessary DME, nurses visits, home health assistance for bathing, etc. This might be a psychologically challenging situation for a 13-yr-old. Hospice care includes counseling for the entire family. 3) If you work for a company with more than 50 employees, you may be eligible under the federal Family Leave Act for up to 12 wks of unpaid leave to care for your mom. I know it's unpaid - but at least you'd have a job to go back to. 4) Given all your current stressers maybe you should postpone having a baby (more family stress) until after your mom passes. Then you could turn the spare room into a nursery, visit your dad and brother at their place(s) and go home to a nice evening with your family.
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