Anyone dealing with a parent with both dementia and narcissism?

My mother has always been narcissistic and was told by a doctor years ago that she had the signs of dementia. Of course, that trained doctor was wrong according to mom. She changed doctors not long after that. She is now claiming that I am a sexual predator who is intending to seduce my own father. She threatened to kill both my father and I. She ordered me to have no contact with them, but when she saw a wrong number on the caller ID, she just knew that it had to be me and screaming went out the door with the intention of purchasing a gun. Warning was given to me and I called my brother who is former law enforcement. He personally verified that she had went into the gun store to buy a gun. He called 911. She called me and told me that she was on her way over to kill me. I talked to the police and showed them the email that she had sent as well as the private Facebook posts that I had used to document the threat with a time and date. She was arrested and charged with domestic assault. My dad who is completely under her control bailed her out. Even though there is a no contact order, she has sent more threats through other members of the family. She told them today that she was going to make my life h*ll to the point where I commit suicide. My brothers both feel it is dementia. I have been the target of her narcissistic behavior all of my life. She is to be evaluated today and arranged on Thursday.

PumkyPoo, that story is sad, but yes, people with dementia, particularly vascular/ non-Alzhemier's can converse and remember some things while short term memory, judgement and empathy can go bad, or be worse than they were before. It sounds like Dad wore Mom out and now he has a chance to wear brother out instead, but maybe brother can be tougher with him. Hope they unfounded the "abuse" claim - make sure brother knows about that so he can proactively defend and document against it himself. I would bet dollars to donuts that there is a SIL who Dad will expect to wait on him hand and foot - is there?

My father is a narciccist, always has been for as long as I can remember. Which caused my parents to devorce years ago.My father was dignosed with dementia and he and one of my brothers made a deal that for some property (farm)he (brother)would take care of dad when the time came so they put all property into a trust and signed it over to brother.Years later when the time came my brother tells my dad "sorry I do not have room for you" my dad asked if he could stay with my mother and I. What do you do or say? It is my father. My mother was in good health.Dad became real dependent on mom for everything.You can be sitting next to him mom in another room and he would get up go to other room and ask her to get him a drink or whatever. She had to do everything for him.He would depend on her for all decisions except for when he wants to go he wants to go now.It does not matter if you are sick,busy what ever It is all about him.After mom died I was tring to take care of some things,he wanted to go now,I was on phone not able to right than,he walks out to the road,flags someone down and ask them to call the sheriff that I was abusing him. Less than a week after my mother died my brother had a bed and room for my dad, now dad is with him where he should of been all a long. My dad ALWAYS like to play mind games with people. Tell you one thing get you focused on while he is over here doing something else.Controlling.I personally with my situation do not see the dementia with my dad.I see the same game playing narcisstic man he has always been.Do anything to get his way.No matter who it hurts.I see some confusinsion maybe.But he is just as controlling,game playing as he always has been. He has become lazy phyically but mentally ? I am not totally conveinced that someone with dementia would still be able to think clear enough to say "call the law I'm being abused.He remembers what he wants to remember and obcessives over what he wants to remember. Is that normal for dementia?

Hi Hun it's all too common a thing u know ! Your dad is finding his situation totally frustrating himself as he feels something isn't right he is losing his independence and this for man especially is horrific he feel like his manhood is being stripped of him but isn't understanding what the hell is happening . Lord knows I copped many a whack across the head from my mum xx she has a good right hook for a 78yr old .in the early stages (I've been caring 16yrs now) she would write letters to her father (deceased) begging him to come get her n take her home out of this horrid place (our home) back to Scotland we r in Australia . She would refer to me as this female species here that she hated omg I cried for weeks on end and at my wit's end how a such a smart always happy woman was suddenly a sad woman who called her only daughter a species. it's a learning process along the whole journey .even if u just keep telling urself it's not dad it the disease . The best thing for u I think is get some kind of Respite there should be daycare centres that take them for the day for social support he needs to be stimulated in other activities he mite even enjoy it with others alike . Good luck sweety xx tis a hard road we travel xx

I left my family & home to come care for my parents about 14 months ago. I also oversee the care of my aunt. My father passed away about 5 months ago. Now I am caring for my 91 yr old aunt with dementia and my 90 year old mother with dementia and narcissistic personality. I grew up in a very abusive home. My sister eventually committed suicide and my brother moved to China (literally) so I'm on my own dealing with both my aunt and mom. I take care of both of their finances too. I think the hardest part with my mom is dealing with my own feelings. She is lonely without my dad. He solved the problem of her narcissism by giving in to it, so in some ways he fueled her problem. She constantly has to be the center of attention, and when she's not, she gets very upset and threatens to kill herself. She hates my aunt (my dad's sister) and gets extremely upset when I need to oversee her care. She constantly says she wishes my aunt would die too. I try so hard to be kind, upbeat, and loving to her always, but she is so mean to me at times and so demanding. I try to care for myself in little ways. I take a long walk or do yoga daily to get away for an hour. When I come home she's upset and says I've been ignoring her. I try to find things to do with her, but she'll yell at waiters in restaurants, clerks in stores, etc and it embarrasses me. I tried to have someone to fill in for me 1 day a week, but my mom said she'd kill herself if I left her and had someone else in her house. She's actually acted out on her threats, so I have to take them seriously. I just say over and over to myself and others, "It's the dementia, she can't help how she acts,". I would like to get her involved in more things but she says she just wants to stay home. She refuses any of my suggestions to get out and be active or join in activities she used to do. She went to AA years ago and it really seemed to help her, but hasn't gone in several years. I arranged for one of her friends to join her at a meeting last week. She went, but said it did nothing for her so she won't go again. She does have significant hearing loss so I got her hearing aids, but she refuses to wear them because they feel " uncomfortable" to her. Taken her back to audiologist several times for adjustments & to talk to her to no avail. Then she yells at me and says she can't hear anything I say.....if I try to talk louder, she says I'm yelling at her....(deep breaths I tell myself). Any ideas for activities and ways for the caregiver not to go crazy?

I'm so glad to have discovered this web niche - so grateful to all who have posted on it. My 97-year-old mother has, I'm now realising, always had a tendency to the narcissistic, and, perhaps, not been overly fond of me; and clearly - to my mind - has (as yet undiagnosed) dementia. For years I helped her as much as I could: taken her out, took her to church, done the cleaning for her, taken her food, dropped off ready meals / shopping, took her to our house for meals ... until my (tricky) sister moved in, following her divorce. Great, mother now has an in-house carer - what could be better? Well, as the 'dementia' (or whatever it is) has progressed, mother has consistently eased me out in favour of my sister, who she finds easier to deal with (= less likely to question what she does or suggest other possible ways of responding to things / more under the thumb). Mother has spoilt my own son so that he inclines towards her more than me; and has cultivated my husband (whose status she rates) similarly (even to the extent that she supported him over me, when I was hospitalised due to him). Most recently I have been banned from seeing her, as, apparently, I upset her so much during our last chat (perhaps I was not aware that her dementia was so progressed). When I phoned to apologise for what I'd supposedly done, my mother hung up on me. When I phoned back to try again, my sister swore at me. I was devastated. I now give up - choosing to remove myself from an impossible situation. I have since discovered that they have even turned mutual family friends against me, by lying about me. So clearly the best thing is that I remove myself from the situation. But it is very hurtful. I have no hope that either my son or my husband will be able to make bridges for me, as both have Aspergers, so lack empathy. Thank you for reading this far.

My mother has always been a narcissist and adding stage 4 dementia to her bag of tricks has been nothing but a disaster.. She constantly pits us kids against each other and has done this for years.. But now she can't keep her own lies straight.
According to her we steal all the stuff she's miss placed and even when we locate for her she still refusies to apologize for all the hateful accusations. Us 3 siblings is all she has to help her get threw this., And whatever we do it's wrong., we try really hard to not take the horrible things she says to us a face value, but when she's screaming at us in our faces its a true test of our patience..
We know this could be a long road ahead. We can't even explain the madness to the outer family members.. So we carry "mom" on our shoulders everyday.,
My sister takes on the biggest load. She cares for all her Drs. apts and her financial issues. I live 3 hours away and about all I can do is try to keep us 3 kids from loosing it... So reading about this and seeing others going through the same issues is sorta comforting... But yet the unknown ahead is what is scary..

My mother has always been a narcissist and adding stage 4 dementia to her bag of tricks has been nothing but a disaster.. She constantly pits us kids against each other and has done this for years.. But now she can't keep her own lies straight.
According to her we steal all the stuff she's miss placed and even when we locate for her she still refusies to apologize for all the hateful accusations. Us 3 siblings is all she has to help her get threw this., And whatever we do it's wrong., we try really hard to not take the horrible things she says to us a face value, but when she's screaming at us in our faces its a true test of our patience..
We know this could be a long road ahead. We can't even explain the madness to the outer family members.. So we carry "mom" on our shoulders everyday.,
My sister takes on the biggest load. She cares for all her Drs. apts and her financial issues. I live 3 hours away and about all I can do is try to keep us 3 kids from loosing it... So reading about this and seeing others going through the same issues is sorta comforting... But yet the unknown ahead is what is scary..

Golden is right Mum has vascular and alzheimer's so mixed dementia coupled with a dependency personlaity disorder of which I am the focal point. So I have to do everything because none else can do it like I can yet when I do do it I don't do it right either. It is a lose lose every which way you look at it but the meds help - without them I WOULD BE THE ONE IN A HOME OR A PRISON!

5 years down the line and I am still coping - not as well as I once did but hey I am still here and she's still getting brilliant care (according to the specialists) from me. So I take heart in that. Small small wins but they all count.

My mother has borderline personality disorder and developed vascular dementia a few year ago. For a couple of years it was truly awful. There are others on this site who have similar experiences. Problems are always someone else's fault. What helped me was getting proper professionals involved - geriatric psychiatrists and a thorough evaluation. Some crazy things had to happen first but eventually she was evaluated and gotten on an antipsychotic which helped a lot. I am afraid you are in for a tough time. You may get more responses if you start a new thread - question or discussion - describing more of what is happening and your concerns/frustrations. My mother is now on comfort care only so there is more peace.

I have a mother with a narcissistic personality that has now at 85 started to decline into dementia...and has a very bad case of tinnitus who insists its her next door neighbour and has taken to shouting at them through the wall and playing music loud through the night...as there is no way its her ear's/ brain...my brothers and myself are at our wits end....and fear for the future and what it may hold...has anyone gone through this ,please ...

I am doing some research because of MIL. the previous book I recommended might not be best for this. Has anyone read "Trapped In A Mirror" by Elan Golumb?

I think it is time for the medical profession to distinguish the significant differences between senility, dementia and Alzheimer's, with senility being an advanced stage of Narcissistic Personality Disorder which has moved from disorder into psychosis and then into psychotic. NPD/senility is very different than dementia & Alzheimer's in the primary symptom's. Yes people with NPD/senility can get forgetful with age, but that is just a secondary or peripheral symptom and is not one of their primary symptom's.

My mother has done this as long as I can remember, but I think it got worse as her dementia progressed. Even as a young child, I remember how she would compare people all the time, always having to label one person the "smart" one and the other "So STOOO-pid", as she said. I remember feeling a bit uncomfortable sometimes, since these were adults that I would see from time to time, and I'd think to myself "This is the one who's smart, and this is the one who's stupid..." Even her friends (she never had many), she would be highly critical of, and would make snarky comments when they weren't around about how their accomplishments really weren't anything to be especially proud of. Conversely though, there were people she admired greatly, and these people could do no wrong. Now, it seems like there's no one my mother admires or appreciates at all anymore. Everyone is fair game for being criticized and badmouthed.
And YES -- she will spin her stories in whatever way will get her the attention and reaction she's craving. If she can't get admiration (which she really can't anymore), then she'll play the sympathy card.

KayBee...my aunt & uncle are the same way. As soon as someone leaves they talk bad about them. Always been this way before onset of AZ/dementia.

Wow, I can really relate to all of these petty behaviors you are reporting. I always thought my mom was a bit quirky growing up, but after reading up about narcissists, I am certain she was to some degree and now with the dementia or whatevet is wrong with her the N traits are so magnified. She is incredibly insensitive towards others and must always be the center of attention. She is always blatently fishing for compliments and confabulates stories making herself either the hero or the martyr, whichever gets the best reaction. She becomes indignant when she gets caught in her lies, then always has reasons. Never ever able to admit even a tiny mistake, will tell a new story to back up the previous one, soon she is completely waffling and on the other side of the issue all along! These stories are so sad but so funny. I have to laugh.

Oh yes, Nlady is supposedly a retired nurse but has manipulated me into providing medication for her animals when sick because she is too upset to do so. She has a house full of animals and other clutter. She loves to shop, avoids personal care or housework, cooking etc, and finds others to solve her problems. She knows how to "work" the telephone and use her age and hunched back to get quite a bit of assistance. And if she isn't satisified, she argues and refuses to pay. Several businesses will not come back nor do business with her anymore. I am just praying that I am doing the right thing and that they don't find her dead some place or worse yet, that she doesn't kill someone while driving on the road as she insists on going 35 miles to a YMCA that has given her a lifelong membership since she's been a member there for about 30 years or so and is over 85. She is always trying to talk others to switching their gym membership to hers so they can transport her.She always comments on the priest's weight where I take her to Mass and also criticizes my husband's weight and asks if he has lost when she used to call. One day about a month ago, she called and left a message stating if I continued to give her the cold shoulder, she would have no choice but to take me out of her will and she had planned to leave me a large sum of money. ha, wherever we go, she conveniently forgets her purse or money, and I have paid her admission of refreshments, etc. Once you drive 30-45 minutes, what choices are there?
So for me to try to cut off all/most contact seems the healthiest way for both of us to end this nightmare. I am pretty sure she'll ge another person to feel sorry for her and to take over the role I took for her these last few years. Am I wrong to feel this way. Sunday she called while I was at the pharmacy and said some unkind words about me, he listed and out of respect for the elderly just hung up after she spoke her peace and told me what had happened. I just can feed into her crazy neediness any longer.

I am following this thread about 3 months down the year as I'm dealing with a Nlady who befriended me because I'm younger by 25 years and she believed i would outlive her and always be there to help her. She has always used the expression in the 5 years that I've known her that she gets by only on her social security which she tells me is too high to receive any assistance. However, over time as she uses an accountant who does her taxes and other financial matters for free that she also has a large investment made about 25-30 years ago when her mother passed away. She has counted on me and others in the community for all the chores that would be difficult for her. Me for doing laundry with some help from her and driving her to evening activities and such. A younger neighbor man for handyman work and cutting her grass also for free. A dog groomer for grooming her dogs for free. A towing service who tows her cars to the repair shop when she gets lost or tries to back up when she's missed her destination for next to nothing, etc. Yet, she spends money on her dogs and useless items like she will never run out. Recently, I researched how to contact her only sister to tell her of my concerns about her recent driving issues where she ran her car into ditches or tried to drive through farmer's fields to take short cuts and then the car won't move. Her sister was mostly concerned about the added expenses for car repairs that addressing the Nlady's safety or her dementia. Instead, she was more concerned about contacting the investor they both use to get money transferred for Nlady to cover expenses.
Right now Nlady is being really manipulative with me, even before I called her siser because I have begun backing off from being such a free helper to her because of having to address my own physical health issues and spend time with may family and grandsons. Also, Nlady has asked me to buy her things when I am going out of town and then when I present her with receipts, she has said to me that I must be really hard up to ask. Over the last 3 years, she has probably failed to reimburse me for between $4-500 dollars, which is a lot considering I have no income of my own but depend on my husband since my health declined.
She is paranoid that I have been telling people she is "senile" which is simply a word that I would never use and can only guess it's coming from a conversation with her sister.
At any rate, I'm backing off and conveniently not home for her sometimes nasty phone calls, so she wrote me a hard to decipher note. She is 86 and her handwriting is difficult to read but it seems she wants me to believe that she was only testing me when she described her recent driving escapades that landed her in situations requiring towing and supposedly had money stolen out of her car this last time because it was left under the seat instead of her purse and it sat unlocked on an open lot for several days. I have ridden with her once in the last 2 months to see how she drives and I feared for my life. She ran one light and blew through 2 stop signs, always when turning left so me riding shotgun was in a very vulnerable spot. It's like she speeds up before making turns.
I have decided since she's not my relative and I've notified the next of kin about my concerns, to back off from her and not call her or transport her. It will be up to her to find another helper or her next of kin can do so for her.

My N Mom--in everyone else's eyes--is SO sweet and cute (she's 5' WITH shoes on), because she loves to laugh and hear jokes, even tho' she doesn't get most of them. Little do they all know that, the minute they leave, she starts..."so-and-so has gained a lot of weight, hasn't she?" or "I think that so-and-so is mad at me because she barely spoke to me," or, my absolute favorite, "I think so-and-so is on drugs!" EVERYONE is on drugs: my cousins, their kids, their spouses, anyone who commits a crime... oh, the wealth of knowledge she possesses! And, as I mentioned before, if I read the paper every day, as she does, I would KNOW that (as SHE says), "90% of murders are committed by black men!" We (my siblings & I) were never allowed to make racist comments growing up--in the deep south--she has now decided that it's ok! She knows that I hate it when she does it and that I don't allow it in my home, she claims that it's FACT! I mean, she read it in the paper and it's on the news every night! And, of course she's right! I have to choose my battles.

My 2nd favorite--which didn't start w/the dementia--is her constant questioning about MY conversations with other people: Did they ask about ME???? I don't care WHO it is! It could be someone she totally pissed off last week and she'll ask me anyway. She stated years ago that she's just "not going to DO birthdays anymore" (after my sister died, but I still have other siblings), so she doesn't call ANYONE--not her children, grandchildren--ANYONE! But when NO ONE acknowledges her birthday... OMG, the pity party, the endless pouting. It gets old...I mean REALLY? I know most of it is the disease, but I just don't have the energy to even have a conversation most days. Blessings and hugs to you all!

Geolin - honestly, it sounds like you are negotiating all this exceptionally well!! Not saying its been easy or is easy, but you stepping in/taking over exactly where and when you need to, and letting Dad feel as good about himself as he realistically can. What more should be asked of a caregiver than that? You are a blessing to your Dad whether he realizes or wants to admit it or not.

I originally posted this question and although it was a while ago when I posted I'm glad to see others can identify with this struggle in caring for a parent. Things have progressed with my dad's dementia and he no longer is able to make his own decisions. He still believes he can and should be in control of everything but he is unable to reason and make sense of situations so I have had to step in with my POA and Advanced Health Directive. Thankfully my dad set these in place a long time ago. I moved my dad into an assisted living / memory care facility after he left our home twice, fell and injured himself badly. All the professionals tell me I have made an appropriate decision and that he fits right in with other residents. However, he tells me over and over again how "those people" have problems but he does not. I know that dementia can sometimes change someones personality but I also have seen that a "perfect storm" can develop when you mix a narcissistic personality, a lifetime of issues never dealt with, and then throw in dementia. Denial remains strong for my dad. He is in a transition period as he has only been at this facility for a short while but each visit has moments when he is angry and upset with me. I recognize these moments as him trying to get control over a situation he simply is unable to control. I have to remind myself often that it is important for my dad to be safe and there is in fact some relief that I have a team of professions helping me to provide for my dad's needs. The staff tells me that he is doing well and certainly we are still early in this transition period. I often turn to this web site for encouragement and hope I've been able to encourage some of you.

Thanks for these posts. They validate the experiences of my sister and me as we face off against a 92 year old controlling and obstinate narcissistic woman who has always gotten her own way. We live a few provinces away from our original family home and right now my mother wants to go home for a visit. I cannot face spending more than 10 days on the road with her, visiting relatives, managing her fatigue and dementia (let alone the personality traits). I feel beaten down when she tells me that I am her greatest disappointment - an old line but it hurts every time I hear it. Some days I think I will just cave and take her back to New Brunswick. And then we have an argument and I don't think I would be safe with her on the road. I appreciate that there are others who wrestle with unkind and ungrateful parents. A special hell for caregivers for sure. Thanks to all who have written in. I realize that this thread has been going for more than a year but I only came upon it this afternoon as I searched for answers.

I am dealing with a narcissist mother who will be 84 in a few months and has increasing dementia. It's a very difficult situation to be in. I feel compassion toward her as I would another human being, but there is no warm, affectionate 'mother/daughter' bond whatsoever. Although thankfully, before she started to go downhill, she completed some important paperwork (living will/advance directive, etc.), the only way I managed to secure her POA was when she had me handle a financial task that required it, and I don't think she completely understood what it was (but she'd never admit to not knowing anything, so it worked out). I have to do everything out of eyesight as well. She resents my 'interference' and claims I'm 'trying to take her life away', but her 1 neighbor who is kind enough to check in with her knows I'm doing the best I can, and that my intentions are good. It shouldn't matter what others think, but honestly, having just ONE sane realize that you're not evil means so much! It is true that one's personality traits can become magnified with dementia. My mother is 100% obstinate, uncooperative, and defiant. She has always been very self-absorbed and contemptuous of others, and it's much more pronounced now. I don't know if it's 'worse', but the mask of courtesy and civility has completely slipped. (or she misplaced it and now she can't find it, lol--sorry, slightly twisted joke there). I don't like having to make more time, energy, and room in my life for her needs, but the upside of her memory loss is that I can have less of an interpersonal relationship with her. I no longer need to project false affection or fondness, and that's a relief.

Thank you for starting this question thread! My struggle is similar to yours. My 78 year old mother with narcissistic issues was has Dementia (almost 1 ½ years) Now with her Dementia worsening it is difficult to provide help that she needs and that her doctors recommends.
My mother’s Dementia, narcissist personality and difficult and combative behavior are horrible to take. She is able to cook and bathes herself (not regularly but she does draw her bath when she does). She also does her laundry but not regularly. She is not able to manage her medications or drive.
Her friends no longer call her because they have told me she constantly talks negatively about me and says she doesn’t need help. They’ve tried to tell her she should be blessed to have a son and a daughter that care for her. This falls on deaf ears.

She lies and says things to make herself appear correct in her eyes I imagine. It’s really difficult for me because she constantly lies about me to her sister that also has Dementia. I’ve had to resort to blocking her sister’s number just to have a few days of peace. The both forget so it’s never an issue.
My mother wrote checks to the tune of 7k on a credit card account thinking it was her checking account. This happened before she was diagnosed with Dementia. She was also behind and forgot to pay her other bills on time (including her mortgage).
To this day she denies writing the checks. The credit card company sent copies of the checks etc., and each time this bill comes monthly it’s a huge argument. I had to set up a calendar reminder to pay this bill because when she get’s it she will hide it or make a big noise and accuse me of running up the bill.
I now live with her and am her full-time caregiver along with my brother that has his own apartment.
I have taken over her finances and my brother and I draw the line when it comes to her demanding that she pay her bills and drive.
I am co-owner of her bank account. I too have set up 90% of her accounts online with auto-pay and electronic delivery of the statements. There are a few that we are not able to set up electronically and unfortunately one of these bills is a major trigger.
We do not have POA, and, due to her Dementia and narcissist personality issues, we don’t see this ever happening unless we go to court down the road; or God willing, her personality changes (not likely according to an Altz specialist her primary doctor referred her to. The specialist spoke with my brother and I after a consultation). My mother now refuses to go back to this doctor.
As far as the bills, I am trying to find a way to get the last two credit card bills be delivered electronically. When she get’s the mail and brings a bill to me or says she can now write her bills not that she is better, I just say “all of the bills are being paid electronically” and then I try my best not to say anything else. She has tried to ransack my room looking for bills etc. Last year I invested in locking file cabinets and that solved that problem. Now when she starts looking for things in my room, she won’t find anything because everything is locked.
I constantly get feedback on the need to get POA but I don't think folks understand how difficult this is for a caregiver that is dealing with a parent that has Dementia and a narcissistic personality.

My brother and I both have to do things out of eyesight. We have to put her meds out for the next day while she is sleeping the night before and pray she takes them the next day.
If she does, she does, if she doesn’t we just pray that she will eventually. We know missing her meds will cause her to land in the hospital, my bother and I have already decided that we cannot endure this. We write letters to her doctors to document everything from her calling the police on use about driving to her not taking her meds and flushing them down the toilet.
Detaching and walking away and not reacting help.
Also, knowing that she will forget can be a good thing.
I will be following this thread for advice and tips.

Thank you all. I appreciate your responses.

I really try not to complain about my situation since I certainly understand my dad is doing very well for age 90. He knows that too.

What I really had hoped was to connect with others dealing with a similar situation. Someone who is narcissistic their whole life doesn't improve with an issue of dementia. My dad's doctor says narcissism comes out with dementia. So with already being narcissistic as his dementia gets worse all the issues with narcissism are worse; his competitiveness, wanting to be right at all cost, putting everyone down so he is on top, desiring to be gushed over constantly and told how important and special he is all are challenges I have when I help him because they are exhausting and I never seem to get it right or to his satisfaction.

I have POA and again have access to his financial records but the difficulty I have is he makes inappropriate decisions and makes choices that are hurtful to himself although due to his dementia and faulty reasoning he doesn't recognize they are hurtful to him. He needs help but is not always receptive. He is trusting when he shouldn't be. When he moved in with me I was able to move his investments to another investment advisor because the previous one was robbing him blind. To this day he believes that isn't true. We came close to filing charges but he seems to feel his decision was the right one when he chose that crook. (a cold call on the phone).

Certainly I do vent from time to time. But I desire to honor my dad and care for him to the best of my ability. I love him and had a great childhood growing up although I have always been challenged by his lack of empathy to me, another issue with narcissism and it is worse now.

I would love to have a break from him but my brother has some personal issues going on and he is not able to have him for any visits. I do try to find time away to get perspective which is certainly a good thing. Thanks everyone for responding. Hope to hear from some others in this situation.

I have a little different take on this. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and is narcissistic. She has the "all about me" thing and has not been diagnosed with dementia, though she does show some, for example, short term memory loss that has come with aging. She has had narcissism all her life, so it has nothing to do with aging, I congratulate you for the care you have given your mum and are now also giving your dad. I know these personalities are not easy.
If I read you right it is your dad who makes the mistakes and you who corrected them. Narcissists do not take well to not being perfect nor being corrected, or even to being offered suggestions. Mother is the same. She lives in another city, by her choice and in an ALF. She will complain about things or ask me for help, and then find fault with anything I do or suggest, and go so far to say i am going being her back and such, which is nonsense. Then she blames me for not helping her, when, in fact, she won't allow me to. The exchange becomes nasty, and very stressful for me. So I have had to back off. There are other people in her city that can help her, and often her complaints are just "bitches" about stuff that is life. She does have a financial advisor who she turns to for financial things who is still in her good books.

Could you keep your own records separately? If everything is done online, it should be, And let him keep his -even if not completely accurate -cheque book balance, If he needs or wants your help with the cheque book, be prepared that he will criticize and fault find, It is part of the narcissism. It is not your fault, and nothing you can do will likely change him. You are doing a wonderful job. I am just wondering if some of this can be avoided by not sharing so much information with him. The other thing I could suggest is if he, for example, asks you for help with his cheque book, tell him in advance that if he wants your help you don't want criticism afterwards, as you are doing the best you can. That is drawing a boundary and they can respond to boundaries, especially if you enforce them.
I am POA for mother, yet she manages her own affairs still, which is great, other than a few times I have needed to become involved and then I didn't get thanks but criticism. This is the pattern of a lifetime. Could your brother take over any of these tasks by computer? He has the advantage of living at a distance.

And speaking about distance - you probably need to detach. Things will not get easier as the dementia progesses. Here are a few hints about detaching -

Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself , Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally

And my last thought is that it would help you if you could get someone else to give you a break, Another lady on here who is dealing with alz and narcissism cannot help her mum with her accounts, because her mum won't let her, but her mum does accept help from a nice lady from the senior center who has volunteered to help. Sometimes they will accept from others what they won't accept from the closest family.
Good luck and let us know how you are doing. (((((((hugs))))))) Joan

Taking care of an elderly parent in your home is never an easy task, and you've been doing it a long time. I might suggest that if your father is able to travel, going and spending a month with the brother might give you a bit of relief and a fresh perspective.

That aside: Your father is 90 and able to largely take care of himself, at least compared to many others you'll find people talking about around here. He has his mind in good enough condition that he can make his way through a checkbook and discover an insignificant error that you made (pretty good for 90 regardless of any diagnosed dementia). You have a big enough place and adequate resources that he can have an attached apartment of some sort. Your biggest complaint is that he points out your mistakes. Your brother is supportive as best as he can be.

I know that every situation has its downsides and nothing can be explained completely in an online post. But by and large, it sounds like you have things relatively good and easy. Nobody's perfect and character flaws do present themselves more acutely as we grow older and our inhibitors diminish.

So while I'm having a rough time seeing that you have much to complain about, I recognize that every situation can become frustrating from time to time. Maybe a bit of time apart would be the time you could re-energize and find a perspective that is based on the fact that you're pretty lucky to have a relatively healthy dad so long into your life. Live well, be happy! Have a good day.

Here is what I have learned over the past 7 years in dealing with my own mother who is 86 and has dementia. Both in my own experience and speaking with others, whatever their personality was before the dementia, it is now amplified, ten fold. So if he had a strong, demanding, controlling demeanor before...you can expect even more of it. Also, I have noticed that my own emotional stress and "burn out" at times will make small matters seem so much worse and I have at times caught myself over-reacting, never realizing until I have the chance to step back from the situation, or have others point it out to me. I do however believe there might be some correlation between dementia and narcissism, part of it has to be their sense in the loss of their own self control and their feelings of helplessness. The "it's all about me" thing really is just the disease. It happens even with people like my mother who was hardly ever that way before. The only way I deal with it is to walk away for a bit, know that it is just what happens with dementia, and try not to over-react.