My parents (80’s), brother and his wife came down for 2 week vacation.
We are all aware that Mom has accidents, but she told me in prior conversations that she hasn’t had any accidents in a while, which was wonderful to hear, since she’s told me dad yells at her when she has accidents and she feels bad.
Pretty much from arrival there were pee accidents, which I completely understand it happens. I’d clean up as soon as I notice it and so did others. I have slate floors and after many accidents and the rug in front of toilet was super wet, which I didn’t notice for days until I went to move it. I told my daughter I didn’t know what to do, since it’s being absorbed into the slate and around the bottom of toilet, all smelled awful. I had some puppy pee pads, she cut to fit around the toilet - ahhh this will help. It did and didn’t, because it ran under the pad or it missed the pad. I left the mop and cleaning supplies in the restroom for easy access.
Also she didn’t always wear underwear, I asked her to put some on, she didn’t. One time my sister in-law went to wrap moms legs the wraps were wet, I am sure with pee.
When I noticed she hadn’t bathed, I asked her if she’d taken her shower and she said she would take it later or the next day.
My sister-in-law got pads, but mom didn’t want to wear them.
2nd bathroom had pee on floor too. So down went a pad.
Little did I know that this was upsetting to dad and mom and brother-wife. I didn’t know until they all went back home. Mom called my daughter (32) to let her know I upset them and that she should know.
No one called me.
Dad says every time she went to the restroom I checked to see if there was pee on floor and I shouldn’t have left mop in bathroom etc etc. I hurt everyone’s feelings by putting pads down, mopping and cleaning. (actually I didn’t check every time she went)
Then brother called me (he had a lot to say) said mom only had a few drops on floor, it was only 2 weeks and I should have dealt with it, because they wiped my butt…. & I shouldn’t have made them feel bad….etc etc. I didn’t say much back, he was very combative and there was nothing I could say that would have been acceptable.
I did deal with it, I was trying to keep things clean. I live alone and keep things very clean and I didn’t want it all over the house and furniture.
I feel awful that I upset everyone, I didn’t yell or get upset - it just needed to be cleaned ASAP.
I need some advice, because no one is really talking to me, except the chastising from my brother….
Oddly enough mom and brother had a huge argument about him not wanting to smell pee the 15 hour trip here and mom told him it was her car and if she wanted to pee in it she could! He and my sister in law told my daughter this a few days after their arrival, when they went to get pads for her.
My brother and mom can have a big argument about this, but it’s not acceptable for me to clean, put pads down or leave mop and cleaning supplies out for easy access, instead of making many trips to access them.
Perhaps I am missing something.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank y’all for listening/reading.
Take care.
You're 100% in the right, and if they can't see that it's not your problem.
Thank you. I have been feeling crazy over all of this.
Your mother obviously is in denial over her incontinence problem, and your father needs to be the one who addresses it with her(calmly)as he is the one living with her. It's time to throw away her underwear, and replace them all with Depends. And she must be told she HAS to wear them, no ifs ands or buts.
And next time your family wants to get together for a 2 week vacation, make sure it's at your brothers house, so they will have to be the ones dealing with it.
This is the lesson that has to be taken from all this!!!
You aren't going to be able to change your mother. The others won't either, but that's their problem. Just reading that she wasn't even wearing underwear says trying the swap with incontinence briefs isn't going to work.
Although you've done NOTHING wrong, send apology card and flowers to mom and leave it at that. If she wants to get in touch, she will. If she doesn't, well, same as with the undies, you can't force her to.
I agree--nobody should have to deal with this in their home. My mom has a lot of accidents and her apartment smells horrible. We know that at this point we will not get the smell out until she passes and we can pull up the carpet and the subfloor. The tile in the bathroom has been saturated so many times--I don't know if it's salvageable.
BUT--mom doesn't live with me. I have literally ONE job with her and that's taking her to bingo once a week. She sits on a pad in my car and hasn't noticed it.
Your brother was in the wrong and you know it. He probably knows too, but is working hard at ignoring the problem.
Are you close to mom? Could you call her and discuss this? I know I never have and never will say anything to my mother. We just don't have that kind of relationship.
I wish you luck with this. Wherever she lives--it must smell atrocious.
We are somewhat close, but I have to be careful what I say. Things seem to always be taken out of context, even though she’s sharp as a tack.
I hope to speak with her / everyone soon and make things better.
I love my daughters philosophy, turn it back on them. When brother got started, you could have said "do you appreciate her peeing all over your house. Would you have left it to dry up and smell? Do you like going into their home? This is a smell that is not easy to get rid of and she sees nothing wrong with peeing all over. You do not see a problem here? This is not normal."
Its going to be hard controlling this from 15 hours away. I hate putting things on SIL but it is a woman to a woman. Mom needs to be told this is not a normal problem. (Maybe she has an overactive bladder) That she needs to see a doctor. Maybe she would be more comfortable with a woman doctor. Get her a pack of pull ups and show her they are not "diapers" as such.
I would tell Mom that you apologize for making her feel this way. But...she has a problem that needs to be taken care of. Its not going to go away.
Your mother is in denial but that is not an excuse. It's not an excuse for calling your daughter instead of you. It's not an excuse for not wearing either Poise liners or incontinence underwear.
Someone has to have a conversation with your mother about buying Poise liners or incontinence underwear. Perhaps that person is your dad. Call your dad and tell him that it hurt your feelings to have your mother and him treat you and your home with such disrespect by not taking the necessary precautions to contain your mother's urine. Sometimes tough love is the only message that gets through.
Stop trying to "keep the peace". Your mom needs more care than she is currently receiving.
The fact that that's not the conversation tells me that they are trying to use this trip as a diversionary tactic.
There is no such thing as ‘keeping the peace.’ Families need to work on solutions together instead of being stifled by one another. Stifling only leads to one massive blow up somewhere down the road, or in the worst case scenario, the relationship completely dissolves. It is sad but it happens because issues are never settled.
They do make women’s. pull-ups that look like very nice underwear.
Either your mom has dementia or she has something wrong with her bladder. Your dad needs to quit covering up for her and get her some help. Nobody likes to wear pull-ups or diapers but I know I’d rather do that than embarrass my family.
My sister in-law is a nurse and has talked to mom.
Dad and brother yell and argue with Mom about peeing, but that seems to be ok with everyone.
My brother and wife live with my parents to help them out, brother said to his wife with my daughter present - now “she” (me) knows what they have to deal with!
They chose to move in with my parents to help them and save money etc…. He’s just angry with me.
I have never reached out for help and I really needed this.
😢
😊
They came with an incontinent woman to a home, and didn't protect that home by having the incontinent woman wear the appropriate underthings to prevent accidents in your home. I cannot see that you did anything wrong. I cannot imagine the condition of their home. And I would not have them back in these circumstances.
Mom needs to wear Depends adult briefs so these 'accidents' can be contained and so that she & everyone else won't have to suffer the indignity of 'embarrassment' on her behalf or on behalf of themselves. So that the 'accidents' won't happen anymore, plain & simple.
An open & honest discussion of The Facts needs to happen. The elephant in the room isn't going away b/c it's a touchy subject or b/c it creates the uncomfortable 'embarrassment' that nobody's happy with.
You know what they say about Denial? It's not just a river in Egypt.
Elders love to fight off the fact that they need to wear adult briefs in general. My mother did. She was about 89 years old & my DH & I had just taken her out to dinner. She was having a lot of trouble with urgency; the ability to 'hold it in' was getting tougher and tougher as the days went on. After dinner, she & I were in the elevator riding up to her apt in the ALF she lived in. Right then & there she peed. Fully and completely b/c she could not hold it in at all. There was urine running down her legs and all over the carpet in the elevator. She about had a cow. She was mortified and swore to God right then & there she'd start wearing Depends. And she did. She's 94.5 now and still wearing Depends.
It's time for all the 'adults' to talk about what's happening with mom, and how it's nobody's 'fault' that she's incontinent or that clean up's need to happen, one way or another. And how will you all be able to make mom understand it's time to wear adult briefs now, for everyone's sake, so she can go out in public and feel secure.
Good luck
Secondly, please don't take the following as a criticism of you and your wanting to clean up as soon as possible after mom's accidents, because besides from the horrible smell, it's just so incredibly unsanitary for everyone in the house. It is perfectly reasonable to want to clean up as soon as possible, and you did nothing wrong in that respect.
Are your brother and his wife doing a lot of caring for your parents? I assume from your post that they live close by each other?
I only ask because your brother's reaction just seems so over the top to me, so I have to wonder if he's bearing the brunt of this issue with mom. For example, if mom is showing cognitive decline, she might be harping and harping on what happened at your house to your brother and his wife. There might be no distracting her from it, and it might, in turn, be making your brother's life problematic. This is in no way an excusal for your brother taking it out on YOU, mind you, but it might explain HIS reaction to this. Because, a normal reaction to what happened really should be "wow, that's disgusting, I can't blame my sister for cleaning up as fast as she can" - but his reaction seems more like "I can't believe my sister acted in this way that's making my life so much more difficult!".
You said your brother called and "had a lot to say". Was it all about this incontinence issue? His comments to you about you should be willing to "put up with it" because they "wiped your butt" as a baby is an argument we often see and hear about on this forum, and it sounds to me like he's trying to pass on the guilt trip that someone else has been laying on him. Do you know if mom and/or dad have been pressuring him/wife in more hands-on caregiving than they are willing to do?
If your brother has been doing hand-on caregiving and is now hovering near burnout, and if he's taking his anger out on you, albeit unfairly, that might be what your next conversation with him should be about. If he feels like he's stuck on this hamster wheel - and there are many of us here who have been in that exact situation - he might need someone to vent to, and someone to help give him other solutions or ideas on dealing with 2 elderly parents, at least one of whom clearly has some sort of cognitive decline. He needs to be told - and to come to terms with the idea -that he does indeed have other options if he no longer wishes to do what he's doing.
Good luck!
I was going to talk to my brother to see if they needed help and if there was anything I can do. He knows if anything is needed, he just needs to tell me or ask. I have and will
always be there for any of them. I am in Texas, they are 1100 miles away, but I’d still be available to do what I can.
Part of what my brother had to say has to do with religion.
Dad told me I was going to hell and so much more, which I have head since I was 11! I’m 58. I am not a bad person, and live my life with respect to myself and others. I lead with integrity 100%.
I am not of their religion or faith. So me and everyone that is not following their beliefs are doomed.
I suppose that’s for another forum.
Sadly some people can’t respect the rights of others as they respect and are entitled to their own rights.
Funny, confident and lack of embarrassment.
😊
Do not apologize. She owes you one. Who thinks that is ok to do? Stop chasing after her and wait until she calls you. If she starts in on you....you need to take the lead and tell her peeing in your home is not acceptable and there are precautions she can take. Don't let her push this back on you as if you did something wrong.
It's what I was thinking and posted elsewhere - she takes it out on bro, bro takes it out on you. Since they live with mom and pop, perhaps they've become "used" to it and immune to the smell?
In no way does that make either behavior acceptable. I'd recommend you visit them, but stay in a hotel, unless you want to immerse yourself in their "home sweet home."
NOT EVER. Children LEARN to use the toilet and parents are RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING THEM TO DO SO.
Your mother lied to you by implying that she had more control than she wanted to admit. She CHOSE to neglect herself even when help was politely offered.
I’m betting “brother” really put it on the line in the car.
DO NOT suffer over this. Your mother is demonstrating behaviors that are serious and have social repercussions.
If they are now home, leave these two weeks behind you. Don’t dwell on them.
Advise? Ignore the whole episode.
Maybe write a letter to mom and whoever else you want to communicate with? I'd write one to mom and assume that everyone else will read it, so write it for their benefit as well.
Do NOT apologize. Tell your mom that it was nice to see her. That you were surprised at her level of incontinence, indicating there could be something wrong. Tell her that there are very nice products these days that are just like underwear that can help protect her and her home from the urine. That you are concerned that maybe there is something wrong that is causing it to be difficult to control her peeing. Like a UTI which is difficult to identify in the elderly - need a urine test. Maybe she should go to a urologist.
Don't let brother make you feel bad. If they didn't like it that you did not appreciate her peeing all over your bathrooms, too bad. He lied to you about her level of incontinence, so that's on him. You could have been prepared and had some Always pullups or Depends on hand and let them know in advance that you would be expecting her to wear them. It is NOT acceptable to let someone go to the bathroom inappropriately without at least TRYING to remedy the situation. I know my mom had a pee accident a few weeks ago and I was mortified and am so glad that is was an isolated incident since I WILL not tolerate that in my home except in the rarest of situations. It will be grounds for moving to AL it were to become a regular event.
Say that following that very common advice will remove the embarrassment for everyone, as well as the need to clean up all the time. You can add that you like a clean house, and you’re sorry that all of this has caused so much unnecessary stress for everyone.
Your brother didn’t care about keeping the peace. He was rude and insulting to you. He wasn’t even logical. Mom changed your diapers because that is what mom’s are supposed to do! That doesn’t give her a free pass to pee all over your home now.
Your brother is getting fed up with caring for your parents and is taking his frustrations out on you.
Trust me, I empathize with him for being frustrated with the situation but his jumping on you was extremely unfair to you. What on earth did he want you to do? Smile and be happy with the situation? I don’t know anyone who would have not been upset by pee all over their home.
All siblings have ups and downs. Same with parents and children, there will always disagreements, but it is not your responsibility to ‘keep the peace.’ Besides, they were guests in your home. Guests should be considerate of those who have generously invited them to stay in their homes.
I wouldn’t say anything to him. He didn’t listen before, so let him cool off and process the situation. I hope that he will contact you to apologize but I wouldn’t hold my breath. I hope that this will be a lesson for them and the issues will be addressed.
If they realize they have been handling this situation all wrong, then put the whole unpleasant experience behind you. If they are blasé about it, so be it. Still, don’t make a fuss about it. Carry on in your own life. You can’t change their behavior. Be at peace knowing that you haven’t done anything that was inappropriate.
I don’t understand why he would contact your daughter either. Why place her in the middle of this? I bet she didn’t appreciate being put in the middle.
If there is a next visit, they can make reservations at a lovely hotel nearby.
I have read your responses and you come across as a person who wishes to have a harmonious relationship with your family. Don’t we all want harmonious relationships? No one enjoys conflict. Well, some dysfunctional people thrive on conflict, For the most part though, people striving to have healthy relationships, would rather avoid conflict. There are times though, where conflict is inevitably going to occur. In these cases, speak your mind. His religious views shouldn’t come into play. That is neither here nor there.
This isn’t about religion. It’s about having mutual respect for each other. Anyone who tries to make this about religion is either totally misguided or using religion to shame or punish. Do not accept that from your father.
It’s not a fair or valid contribution to bring religion to the table and use it as emotional blackmail. It is quite annoying when people feel like they know who God is going to send to hell. God is not a big bully in sky.
God gave us a brain to reason with and free will to make wise choices. Let’s hope your dad will learn to make better choices in life, rather than to upset his daughter. Although, most people his age are set in their ways. It’s no wonder why you don’t follow their religion.
I know a woman that is constantly preaching her hellfire and damnation. None of her children follow her faith either. She chased them away. This kind of preaching is counterproductive. Plus, you are a grown woman who has the right to follow whatever beliefs that are important to you.
I respect all faiths but your dad’s faith doesn’t give him the right to beat you over the head with a Bible. The Bible does speak about judgment but it also speaks about love and mercy.
Wishing you all the best.
I appreciate your kind words and understanding. Also, helping me realize that keeping the peace attitude never works. This is so true.! I take a stand when I need to, but for the most part feel that doing so to my parents was disrespectful.
I am a true believer of harmony and peace. I am a logical thinker and believe a conversation can be had about anything - all cards on the table, so we can see what is at hand and what needs to be done to get things done or taken care. We each have our own walk in life and everyone should be respectful of that.
My family doesn’t accept the fact that I and others have choices and rights just as much as they do. I have spent most of my childhood and adult life trying to pacify and please them, although, it’ll never happen, because of their demands of church/religion etc.
I went to private school 9-12 grade, I studied the Bible and know the word is not a weapon. I guess the plank in their eye is so big they can’t see past it, nor the pain and harm they are causing someone who loves them immensely. Correct, they never should have called my daughter, she has nothing to do with any of this. But they sure wanted her to know I hurt everyone’s feelings and they are upset. Then had the nerve to call her again to see if I had said anything and fishing for information. Very odd.
Helping each other and bringing constructive solutions to the table is where the focus should be.
I am so glad I reached out for help. Happy to know there’s kind, caring and compassionate folks out there. We are here just trying to help our parents and each other. Thank you.
I really have to give your SIL credit. No way would I live with someone with Moms habit. As a nurse must be hard getting thru to Mom that she needs help.
I would not allow her to visit again until she sees a doctor. And I would tell her that. Sometimes the elderly think its just part of getting old. It is, but treatable.
I love your screen name.
It appears to be who you are.
A peacemaker.
I wonder if your Dad's "religion" includes in the bible:
Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.
If you studied the bible, and have rejected "religion", that is understandable.
Peacemakers are not appeasers, imo.
A good peacemaker gives up the right to revenge. You don't show an ounce of revenge, imo.
You are the "scapegoat" of the family. You do not need to be that.
Whether you believe or not believe, God is blessing you.
The thing for me is that if someone’s “religion” “beliefs” is okay with telling a child or anyone that they are going to hell and burn forever if they cut their hair, wear pants, shorts etc. thats nothing I want a part of. This is what I reject. My temple is good and I know the universe has put us here for a reason. I say “universe” because to me it’s all encompassing. I grew up wondering why would this god
that’s loving and created us in his image allow me to burn in hell forever and no drop of water to be gotten! Especially when I haven’t done anything wrong. So sad. So the little girl made up a way to cope (not really) with it and has been struggling all her life to just be okay with parents not okay with her just being me.
Yes, this is off topic, but it all
comes full circle one way or another.
I remember holding a party one time after adding on to our home and invited my siblings, nieces, and nephews who all in turn brought their other half (you get me). Some person (no elder at this party) not only peed in our bathroom trashcan but also on the floor and toilet. We haven’t held an event at our home since. We were furious!
I’m sorry that your mom is having this issue but it must be addressed. I always had my parents wear two incontinence products. In our vehicles we have a trash bag on the bottom, then an underpad, and a towel we can just throw away on top to make it all look pretty (probably a more effective way). Change of clothes, etc. Thankfully parents never objected. In our home or their home, every few hours it was time for the restroom just to keep them from soaking through.
When they use to say but my asthma due to using air fresher, well I have allergies against stink is what I use to say and that objection stopped once we found something we could agree on. My sister, the live in sibling, use to have no problem with pea smelling floors but my nose would pick up as soon as I hit the door and then it was like mop, bleach, and go at it until it was no more.
And I’m no hell raiser but don’t keep pushing me! I heard TD Jakes quoting someone quite a while ago now but he said and I’ll never forget, “peace at any price (or at any cost – I believe he said) is no peace at all.” Sure he was quoting someone else but it has been very helpful in my life. I think on it when I have issues in my marriage, on the job, with the siblings - life. God, guide my tongue but let me not push down my feelings any longer.
With all that being said, I smell something fishy! I’m wondering if something is about to be dumped in your lap whether it be you convincing mom to wear the products or just take over completely. Like by having you feel guilty about this visit to the point of taking completely over the responsibility.
Good luck to you! Again if I’m not reading your post correctly forgive me.
I didn’t even mention in my original post the poop stains on the back of her dress!! I mentioned this to her in private. She just wondered how that happened! 😑
I like that quote and not push down my feelings any longer. It’s wonderful that your parents didn’t mind, surely they understood.
What you can control: who stays at your house.
If anyone complains to you about their free lodgings or their hurt feelings (and third party feelings to boot!) say "I'm sorry the visit didn't go well it won't happen again". Because if someone wants to visit your town again they can act like adults and get a hotel.
My mom has similar incontinence issues. She can only come over with a fresh Depend on and extra ones in a backpack. Your brother should pay for a professional cleaning of your house and furniture. The fact that my child (even adult child) was contacted in such an underhanded way would enrage me.
Everyone but you has a UTI and delirium if they think it's ok to pee on the floor and not clean it up right away.
Order some pretty Silhouettes from Amazon and have it delivered to their house.
Oh but yes. Your brother and his wife are burnt out. Forgive them. And yourself. No one is a bad guy here. Not even mom or dad. As we age many things diminish. Judgement can be one of them.