My parents (80’s), brother and his wife came down for 2 week vacation.
We are all aware that Mom has accidents, but she told me in prior conversations that she hasn’t had any accidents in a while, which was wonderful to hear, since she’s told me dad yells at her when she has accidents and she feels bad.
Pretty much from arrival there were pee accidents, which I completely understand it happens. I’d clean up as soon as I notice it and so did others. I have slate floors and after many accidents and the rug in front of toilet was super wet, which I didn’t notice for days until I went to move it. I told my daughter I didn’t know what to do, since it’s being absorbed into the slate and around the bottom of toilet, all smelled awful. I had some puppy pee pads, she cut to fit around the toilet - ahhh this will help. It did and didn’t, because it ran under the pad or it missed the pad. I left the mop and cleaning supplies in the restroom for easy access.
Also she didn’t always wear underwear, I asked her to put some on, she didn’t. One time my sister in-law went to wrap moms legs the wraps were wet, I am sure with pee.
When I noticed she hadn’t bathed, I asked her if she’d taken her shower and she said she would take it later or the next day.
My sister-in-law got pads, but mom didn’t want to wear them.
2nd bathroom had pee on floor too. So down went a pad.
Little did I know that this was upsetting to dad and mom and brother-wife. I didn’t know until they all went back home. Mom called my daughter (32) to let her know I upset them and that she should know.
No one called me.
Dad says every time she went to the restroom I checked to see if there was pee on floor and I shouldn’t have left mop in bathroom etc etc. I hurt everyone’s feelings by putting pads down, mopping and cleaning. (actually I didn’t check every time she went)
Then brother called me (he had a lot to say) said mom only had a few drops on floor, it was only 2 weeks and I should have dealt with it, because they wiped my butt…. & I shouldn’t have made them feel bad….etc etc. I didn’t say much back, he was very combative and there was nothing I could say that would have been acceptable.
I did deal with it, I was trying to keep things clean. I live alone and keep things very clean and I didn’t want it all over the house and furniture.
I feel awful that I upset everyone, I didn’t yell or get upset - it just needed to be cleaned ASAP.
I need some advice, because no one is really talking to me, except the chastising from my brother….
Oddly enough mom and brother had a huge argument about him not wanting to smell pee the 15 hour trip here and mom told him it was her car and if she wanted to pee in it she could! He and my sister in law told my daughter this a few days after their arrival, when they went to get pads for her.
My brother and mom can have a big argument about this, but it’s not acceptable for me to clean, put pads down or leave mop and cleaning supplies out for easy access, instead of making many trips to access them.
Perhaps I am missing something.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thank y’all for listening/reading.
Take care.
Your mother is in denial but that is not an excuse. It's not an excuse for calling your daughter instead of you. It's not an excuse for not wearing either Poise liners or incontinence underwear.
Someone has to have a conversation with your mother about buying Poise liners or incontinence underwear. Perhaps that person is your dad. Call your dad and tell him that it hurt your feelings to have your mother and him treat you and your home with such disrespect by not taking the necessary precautions to contain your mother's urine. Sometimes tough love is the only message that gets through.
I love my daughters philosophy, turn it back on them. When brother got started, you could have said "do you appreciate her peeing all over your house. Would you have left it to dry up and smell? Do you like going into their home? This is a smell that is not easy to get rid of and she sees nothing wrong with peeing all over. You do not see a problem here? This is not normal."
Its going to be hard controlling this from 15 hours away. I hate putting things on SIL but it is a woman to a woman. Mom needs to be told this is not a normal problem. (Maybe she has an overactive bladder) That she needs to see a doctor. Maybe she would be more comfortable with a woman doctor. Get her a pack of pull ups and show her they are not "diapers" as such.
I would tell Mom that you apologize for making her feel this way. But...she has a problem that needs to be taken care of. Its not going to go away.
I agree--nobody should have to deal with this in their home. My mom has a lot of accidents and her apartment smells horrible. We know that at this point we will not get the smell out until she passes and we can pull up the carpet and the subfloor. The tile in the bathroom has been saturated so many times--I don't know if it's salvageable.
BUT--mom doesn't live with me. I have literally ONE job with her and that's taking her to bingo once a week. She sits on a pad in my car and hasn't noticed it.
Your brother was in the wrong and you know it. He probably knows too, but is working hard at ignoring the problem.
Are you close to mom? Could you call her and discuss this? I know I never have and never will say anything to my mother. We just don't have that kind of relationship.
I wish you luck with this. Wherever she lives--it must smell atrocious.
We are somewhat close, but I have to be careful what I say. Things seem to always be taken out of context, even though she’s sharp as a tack.
I hope to speak with her / everyone soon and make things better.
Your mother obviously is in denial over her incontinence problem, and your father needs to be the one who addresses it with her(calmly)as he is the one living with her. It's time to throw away her underwear, and replace them all with Depends. And she must be told she HAS to wear them, no ifs ands or buts.
And next time your family wants to get together for a 2 week vacation, make sure it's at your brothers house, so they will have to be the ones dealing with it.
This is the lesson that has to be taken from all this!!!
You aren't going to be able to change your mother. The others won't either, but that's their problem. Just reading that she wasn't even wearing underwear says trying the swap with incontinence briefs isn't going to work.
Although you've done NOTHING wrong, send apology card and flowers to mom and leave it at that. If she wants to get in touch, she will. If she doesn't, well, same as with the undies, you can't force her to.
You're 100% in the right, and if they can't see that it's not your problem.
Thank you. I have been feeling crazy over all of this.