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That may work very well, but consider how well you all get along now. How much privacy do people need vs. how much is realistically available? This could be a long road.
Also, realize that one or both parents may eventually need nursing home care which could put the parents on Medicaid.
You should all go together to see an elder law attorney to work out any glitches that could arise should other relatives, Medicaid or personality issues cause problems.
Good luck. I hope this works out well for you all. Carol
You will encounter "Queen Bee Syndrome". Women are highly territorial. You never find two queen bees in a hive, so if your wife will be happy with just being a worker bee (and she won't) go for it. Also consider, that if they will need Medicaid for a nursing home, the house is an asset that Medicaid will include during their five-year look back. They WILL put a lien on the house. When a Medicaid beneficiary dies, the state files a claim with the probate court against the beneficiary's estate to recover amounts paid by Medicaid for the deceased beneficiary's medical care. An estate is all real and personal property and other assets of the deceased person (recipient) as defined in South Carolina State Law. See scdhhs.gov for more information.
The queen bee thing is something that many men don't seem to understand at all. Particularly if their wives basically take care of the housework. Stuff, like where the coffee pot filters should be kept, can be a huge issue. I guess it is a matter of habit - if the kitchen is my work area, then things should be arranged as I like them. I suspect that unless your mom is very flexible, basically thinks her life is outside the home and doesn't really care about household stuff, you will be dealing with constant low level friction. As for the house - is it really worth it? Medicaid will probably get it in the end. Think this through very carefully, talk with your wife, then decide whether this works for you two. Obviously your parents think it will have advantages for them, but remember it's your lives, your marriage - what is a house worth?
I'm trying to say - which woman is going to be "in charge"? Your mom or your wife? Will your mom be willing to become a guest in her own home? Talk to other women of your acquaintance. I've found that many men are clueless about this kind of thing.
Well, if it the parents' home, the reigning queen bee will remain the alpha female. Guaranteed. And she will sting any drone who tries to take over. To put this in perspective would, hubby allow someone to waltz in and take possession of the TV remote from then on?
Rather your wife than me. What does she think about this idea? No, I mean, what does she really think about it? - what is she saying about it to her girlfriends, for example?
Having said the cynical/realistic things, it's true that you do get Naomi-Ruth type relationships. It's not impossible. It's just very, very rare.
Does your wife have a career? If so, I suspect there would be conflicts as she may be expected to do the housework and all that stuff even though she's still working. Then friction will develop between you and her because they're your parents, not hers.
Pam's queen bee analogy is excellent and spot on.
Is there some reason why you want this house? Because it was your childhood home, or because you need a place to stay? If the latter, that presents some different issues, and possibly some intractable ones because then you're reliant on your parents, and the balance becomes unequal.
As to what your legal options are to move in with them, you don't have any obligation at all to specifically move in.
You can provide care for them, and in fact I would think that creating an alternate plan would be the tactful way out of this dilemma.
Assess what they'll need, talk to your siblings and see if they'll help, interview care agencies....try to create a palatable alternative to present if/when you tell them you don't think this would be an ideal arrangement.
Good luck; I suspect there could be some emotional moments if you decide not to proceed with the live-in plan.
When my adopted son dropped dead in Oklahoma and left behind a wife and daughter, the FIL gladly offered to take his daughter into his home. I warned him about queen bees. It did not work. Once you have been the mistress of your own household, you can not go back to being subordinate. Within six months the daughter moved out.
I don't think any one is getting the point. We live only a few streets apart. This is not my childhood home. We are an extremely close family. My wife is closer to my family than her own. We go on vacations together. Have cookouts. Go to ball games. We gather at their house to watch ballgames on TV. But thanks any way.
plsmith1, what is your question? What "legal" options are you asking about? You've already decided on the move. You don't want our cautions about that. But it is kind of hard to tell what you are asking.
Plsmith, I think you need to go see an eldercare attorney to figure out how to best arrange a transfer of property so that its not subject to getting taken by medicaid if your parents need long tern nh care. I think that's what you're asking about. They might put the house in a trust.
With this kind of relationship, it can work. There is a movement - not huge, but it's there - toward multi-generational households. When everything is worked out legally (which should be done, anyway since everyone should have a POA for health, one for finances and a will) and personalities are compatible, it can be delightful.
Many people have regretted this set up, but many others have found it works. It's very individual. Your family sounds ideal for this setup if anyone's is. Communication will be key.
Please keep us posted as you move forward on your journey.
Consult an elder law attorney about your legal options. Remember, living under the same roof with someone 24/7 is very different from going on vacations together. You'll no longer have your own home to retreat to when you get tired of their company. You didn't say how old your parents are, or what their physical/mental condition is. If you're going to move in with them, will you and your wife become their permanent caregivers? If you have siblings, how do they feel about this arrangement? If your parents plan to sign the house over to you and your wife, you'll need to ask the attorney what that will mean in the event one or both of your parents has to go into a nursing home in the next five years. You might also want to talk to an accountant, if you plan to keep your house and rent it out (assuming you own your home and aren't planning on selling.) There are a lot of things to consider, other than whether your wife and your mother are going to argue about how the spice rack is organized.
By the way, do you know anyone who's successfully managed this arrangement? If so, you should talk to them. It may work out, but real life isn't like "The Waltons," where three generations co-existed more or less peacefully in the same house. There's bound to be tensions, and differences of opinions. If you and your parents are good at conflict resolution, and the lawyer and your siblings (if any) give you the green light, then go for it. Me. I wouldn't do it for all the tea in China.
PLSmith, I'm confused by your last post. Just looking at the title, it would appear that your "legal options" arise from moving in with your parents, and expectations of inheriting the house.
Both were addressed, including cautions about transfer of real property if an eventual Medicaid application is ever required.
Posters typically also offer advice on peripherally related issues, such as the combination of two generations of families. They do that to be helpful and share the benefit of their experience.
So I'm just not clear what you mean when you write that we're not getting the point. Could you clarify?
lol...living together 24/7 is not the same thing as a family vacation and/or cookout or living streets apart. Come back in 6 months and we will be hear to listen! Good luck.
You should have open conversation with mom, sibs or others who might have interest in moms estate. Don't assume anything. Make sure you consider care expectations now and in the FUTURE. WhAt are yours and moms plans should she need skilled care or AL or memory care -- will she need to sell the house to help finance that care? Will you have a place to go?
Can you afford her home if something happens to her? Taxes, etc?
Have you discussed what each of you will contribute to household expenses? Will she add you to the deed?
plsmith1, we really need for information. What are your parent's ages and health, they sound like they are very mobile since they go to ball games, have cookouts, and outings at their house. If that is the case, it would be too soon to move into their home, unless their home has a separate wing or apartment.
If you do move in, don't be surprised if you once again become the *child* in their eyes... and then there will be a power struggle.
But if it works for everyone, that is great. You need to remember there is a big difference compared to having cookouts and watching ballgames at your parent's house and with living with them 24/7 365 days.
Also, your age will be a factor. It will impact your social life a great deal. The older you and your wife are the more understanding your friends will be - such as including your parents in your dinner plans. If you invite friends to dinner in your home you cannot ask your parents to retire to their rooms while you entertain guests. You will need to include them. Our friends are very understanding and inclusive of my mom. Even so, it changes the dynamics and both the volume and types of conversations we have. We entertain far less then we would if we were on our own so to speak. Grandchildren and ages are also a consideration.
Many times we have heard "It's all taken care of" and months later, when they go to apply for Medicaid, they get a rejection letter. Or the parent dies before Medicaid gives the NO answer and the Nursing Home sues and POOF a huge judgment is awarded to them. Read "HCR vs. Pittas" for a perfect example. Pittas thought he had it all taken care of, too.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Also, realize that one or both parents may eventually need nursing home care which could put the parents on Medicaid.
You should all go together to see an elder law attorney to work out any glitches that could arise should other relatives, Medicaid or personality issues cause problems.
Good luck. I hope this works out well for you all.
Carol
Also consider, that if they will need Medicaid for a nursing home, the house is an asset that Medicaid will include during their five-year look back. They WILL put a lien on the house.
When a Medicaid beneficiary dies, the state files a claim with the probate court against the beneficiary's estate to recover amounts paid by Medicaid for the deceased beneficiary's medical care. An estate is all real and personal property and other assets of the deceased person (recipient) as defined in South Carolina State Law. See scdhhs.gov for more information.
Having said the cynical/realistic things, it's true that you do get Naomi-Ruth type relationships. It's not impossible. It's just very, very rare.
Pam's queen bee analogy is excellent and spot on.
Is there some reason why you want this house? Because it was your childhood home, or because you need a place to stay? If the latter, that presents some different issues, and possibly some intractable ones because then you're reliant on your parents, and the balance becomes unequal.
As to what your legal options are to move in with them, you don't have any obligation at all to specifically move in.
You can provide care for them, and in fact I would think that creating an alternate plan would be the tactful way out of this dilemma.
Assess what they'll need, talk to your siblings and see if they'll help, interview care agencies....try to create a palatable alternative to present if/when you tell them you don't think this would be an ideal arrangement.
Good luck; I suspect there could be some emotional moments if you decide not to proceed with the live-in plan.
Explain this a little more, and let us try again!
Many people have regretted this set up, but many others have found it works. It's very individual. Your family sounds ideal for this setup if anyone's is. Communication will be key.
Please keep us posted as you move forward on your journey.
Carol
You didn't say how old your parents are, or what their physical/mental condition is. If you're going to move in with them, will you and your wife become their permanent caregivers? If you have siblings, how do they feel about this arrangement?
If your parents plan to sign the house over to you and your wife, you'll need to ask the attorney what that will mean in the event one or both of your parents has to go into a nursing home in the next five years. You might also want to talk to an accountant, if you plan to keep your house and rent it out (assuming you own your home and aren't planning on selling.)
There are a lot of things to consider, other than whether your wife and your mother are going to argue about how the spice rack is organized.
Me. I wouldn't do it for all the tea in China.
Both were addressed, including cautions about transfer of real property if an eventual Medicaid application is ever required.
Posters typically also offer advice on peripherally related issues, such as the combination of two generations of families. They do that to be helpful and share the benefit of their experience.
So I'm just not clear what you mean when you write that we're not getting the point. Could you clarify?
You should have open conversation with mom, sibs or others who might have interest in moms estate. Don't assume anything. Make sure you consider care expectations now and in the FUTURE. WhAt are yours and moms plans should she need skilled care or AL or memory care -- will she need to sell the house to help finance that care? Will you have a place to go?
Can you afford her home if something happens to her? Taxes, etc?
Have you discussed what each of you will contribute to household expenses? Will she add you to the deed?
Just some food for thought.
If you do move in, don't be surprised if you once again become the *child* in their eyes... and then there will be a power struggle.
But if it works for everyone, that is great. You need to remember there is a big difference compared to having cookouts and watching ballgames at your parent's house and with living with them 24/7 365 days.