How to deal with a patient that insist everyone to follow her instructions?

Thanks vstefans, I will tell dad to try that out.

Krayon, I have an idea. Could your dad get on hearer and post his own thoughts and feelings? He may feel very trapped by the guilt of not taking are of mom but a lot of us would tell him no, she should not be allowed to make you I'll and miserable, even if she was a wonderful,wife for many years, she has lost her judgement and empathy and is asking and doing things that are not reasonable. He can care for her better if he can set limits and feel free to refuse unreasonable requests. He is not selfish to get needed exercise and keep getting out and doing the things he can.

Thanks all for the suggestions and sharings.

Um ... do you think we could now get back to the concerns Krayon has, about the relationship between his parents and how he might help his father?

Good morning. First I would like to thank Agingcare.com for being available in allowing people to express their concerns in respect to the different stages of an elder's life. I would also like to thank them for allowing people to ask for advice in receiving assistance in helping to make life better for the elder, their family, and their Care Giver(s). I appreciate this opportunity to share my experience and knowledge in being a Care Giver in helping to take care of my elderly mother.

Within the past ten years I have been a Care Giver. One of my most important experiences was taking care of my elderly mother. Suddenly I became a member of the "sandwich generation". My mother has always been an extrovert, loving, caring, and giving person. At the age of 74 she began having minor black-outs. On November 23, 2013, at the age of 84, my mother had a major black-out. EMS rushed her to the hospital. The findings were that she has 80% blockage to her brain and 50% blockage in her left neck artery. The doctor said if she was to return to live in her apartment by herself, I needed to find a Care Giver to help take care of her. Simple things in life for her to do became daily challenges. She found it very difficult for her to say words that she wanted to say. She realized on her own that her health and life were changing into the world of having dementia. She asked me to sell her beautiful home and car. I know most parents will put up a fight in not giving up their home and car (independence). I felt at that time that my life was getting ready to experience a serious change and I didn't know what to expect. She asked me to move her to Independent Living and I followed through with her wishes. The past two years my mother lived in IL. I prayed that she could continue living there and I hoped she could stay there and pass in her sleep. All the elders in our family have passed away in their sleep. My mother started wondering through her apartment trying to find things. I would ask her what she was looking for so that I could help her find them. She would reply, "I don't know what I am looking for. I am just trying to find it". My mother originally loved living in her IL apartment. I decided what I needed to do was find a Care Giver for her. I hired (2) Care Givers so they could work alternate work weeks. This allowed each Care Giver to have time to rest and enjoy their life. This also allowed coverage in case one of them needed to be out of town. This also allowed me to know that my mother was always taken care of. Hiring the (2) Care Givers allowed my mother caring and loving companionship. I worked one day out of the week just to make sure my mother was happy and that she was properly being taken care of. We all became so close to each other that the Care Givers will always be a member of our family.

On March 12, 2014, I took my mother to see a specialist to review her medicines and to see what medicines she needed to stop taking and what new medicines needed to be added. This is when the prescription for Aircept was prescribed for my mother. On March 13, 2014, my mother had another serious black-out. EMS rushed her to the hospital. She felt very confused, lost and agitated. The next morning the doctor told me that he needed to talk to me out in the hall. He told me that my mother had a Care Give to take care of her 7/24, she could never return to live in her apartment to live by herself. I did extensive research through local offices who hire Care Givers and for Care Givers listed on Care. I also did an extensive search and visited Assisted Living-Memory Care facilities. My mother insisted that I move her to AL. No matter how I looked at this move for my mother, I knew it was going to be expensive. Until I made my decision in this matter and I had a safe and secure place for my mother to live, the doctor was not going to release my mother from the hospital. Every day the doctor and Case Manager were calling me and asking if I had found a place for my mother to live. To make even a longer story shorter, I decided to move my mother to an AL facility near to my home. I don't feel guilty in making this decision to move my mother to an AL facility because she requested me in a loving way to do this for her. My mother has lived at AL for the past two months. If you had seen her before I moved her from her IL apartment, you would have thought she was already on her (death) bed. You should see her now! She looks like a whole new person! She receives good meals, the Care Givers and Management loves her and her personality. She cares how she grooms herself, she has made new friends, and she is kept very active. She needs an additional $1K per month to live there at the AL facility. The VA representative is very serious about helping us to get this $1K "VA Financial Spouse Assistance" for her. We all need to have "hope". I have contacted some more AL in our area but they are asking more for monthly rent than what she is already paying. It is my understanding, and I clearly understand, it is not a good decision to keep moving an elderly person to another AL facility either in town or out of state.

Please note that I am not soliciting business for the VA. I asked to be contacted so that I could share my experience and thoughts on a personal basis. My father served in the military service. The past ten years my mother applied for VA financial assistance (3) different times and each time was denied. The VA kept denying her benefits because she could take care of herself. The last letter stated that if her health and life changed for the worse, she needed to reapply for benefits. My feelings were, "Right -- reapply again so she could be denied again?".
Agingcare.com protects members by not allowing Internet addresses to be sent to a member. I have tried to share as much information in this matter that I possibly can. I have a lot more experience and knowledge to share in this matter for elders wanting to qualify for "VA Financial Assistant for Spouses". My sincere hope is that for any elder or their family who is trying to obtain this benefit will receive as much assistance, kindness, understanding, and help we have from our VA representative. The VA representative we have been working with has been wonderful in assisting my mother and I. This particular VA representative has made good things happen for my mother. The VA that we have been working with doesn't charge a fee. He does help the elderly in applying for "VA Financial Assistant for Spouses".

In my mother's earlier years of her life, she appointed me in her "Revocable Living Trust" as her Care Giver, DPOA, POA and MPOA. It is extremely important that elders process and sign a will of some sort so that matters don't go through probate in court. I am very thankful that my mother did her will for me. This allowed me to take care of her and her health, ordering her medicines and supplies as needed, taking care of her monthly bills, and processing her banking. I prepared her daily med boxes, cooked her meals, monitored her vital signs, assisted her with her bathing and daily grooming needs, took her for her doctor appointments, processed her monthly banking, light housekeeping, and purchased her weekly groceries, etc. I will continue doing things for her that AL doesn't provide. My mother's PCP and her health insurance had Home Health Care visit her during the week and this was a tremendous help. I continued the responsibility of taking care of my marriage and family and home.

My desire to work in the health care field is two fold. I wish to share my knowledge, experience and love with the elderly and their families, Care Givers, and community. Provide assistance in showing that we care about the elderly and that they are important. I enjoy knowing the patients, while helping to improve their health status and taking care of their immediate health needs. Assist elderly patients and their families when significant challenges are present. Communicate input to show that policies and procedures are being followed. Keep informed of the workplace health and safety concepts. Prepare the elderly for examinations and visits. Responsible for maintaining supplies, equipment and medications. My second desire and purpose is to be a speaker advocate to education Americans about what Medicare, Medicaid, and what they do and don't cover. Promote ways that people can talk to each other and share their stories, tips and wisdom. Urge a national discussion about how Americans approach advance care planning. Engage communities to offer both practical and emotional support to the elderly, families and Care Givers, and make communities more livable. Educate health care professionals, older adults, and their family caregivers about palliative care and how it can be integrated with health care and supportive services. Advance proactive public policies and programs to help people know where to find the right kind of care and help even before they need it, at an affordable cost. Better options are critically needed by American families to help them pay for long-term services. This must be a public policy priority.

I do find some grounds for hope. What are my qualifications for pursuing my career and offering advice? Certainly I am no expert in this matter. My soul qualifications are to seriously help take care of the elderly and their needs. Provide hope where there seems to be none. Offer advice that might help in making decision. Regardless of any situation, the worse thing a person can do is to nothing at all. Our parents regardless of their age at the time we were given birth, they are still our parents and we need to help take care of them in their elder years. We must learn to enjoy and appreciate their company. Elderly people are kind, wise, and have wonderful stories to tell us. I love helping to assist the elderly, their families, and their Care Givers. As it has previously been said, "The customer is always right". Follow your heart. Ask God for His help because He will listen and help you.

Again I wish to thank Agingcare.com for being available for making it possible for all of us members to share our concerns and for allowing us to reach out for help. I want to thank each of you for sharing your time with me. I hope I have been of some help to you. Each of you have provided me with additional experience and knowledge that I will continue to use throughout my career.
I wish each of you and your family the best in life. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sincerely,
Eva
Care Giver & Advocate Speaker

Thank you for the clarifications, Krayon. It sounds like your mother was the "boss" even before her dementia. Is that correct? If your father is willing to protect his own freedoms and do what he thinks is best, you can certainly support him. If he wants to go out driving in spite of Mother's protests, he can do that. If he wants to fry himself a chicken leg, he can certainly do that, and you can join him for the meal. If he wants another chair in the room and doesn't want it covered with plastic, he can insist upon that. He doesn't have to do everything his wife tells him to do, whether she has dementia or not. But if he is used to behaving as if she is in charge and he must do what she says, he may not be ready or willing to break those habits. I understand your own feelings, I think. I would not want to see one of my parents in that situation. But it is their marriage and they have to work it out themselves. If your father wants your help, give it to him. Perhaps you can stay with Mother and entertain her while Father goes for a ride. But if Father doesn't want to change, that is his right.

Is your mother getting medical care for her dementia?

Correction: that next to last paragraph should have read that the so-called advice "isn't even helpful".

EvaLynnPearl, just to clarify:

I did not accuse you of "trolling for business for the VA". I accused you of "trolling for business". And I still feel that's what you were doing. You just didn't expect to be challenged.

I was harsh because I find solicitors offensive, especially ones who assume a position of superiority and knowledge which you seem to feel you have, and we don't.

One of your statements of so-called "advice" is so far off base that no only is it erroneous and flat-out wrong, it isn't not even helpful.

And I repeat: what are your qualifications?

Jeannegibbs, Here's a list of stuff my mom did or insisted:
1. wrap up the handphone with plastic, becoz she thinks since we take bath daily, and we didnt do that to the phone, so why not put a cloth on it.
2. there's no dining table, no sofa, no living room in her house, only a lazy-chair, because she think with that she can just sweep the floor without have to take care of anything, and the chair is wrapped up with plastic on some parts.
3. The way she prepare food is with rice cooker, everything is steamed, and she is used to buying certain cook food and stored it in the fridge, and steam them through out the week, and my dad is prohibited cooking what he wants to eat
4. My mom claims that she is worrying and care for all of us, and when I was sick, she chase me out from the house because she can't deal with it.
5. Whenever there's a gathering, she keeps talking non-stop, she never listen, but keep preaching about her abnormal ideology, repeating the ideology she has since years ago and keep repeating them over and over.

I think one of the reason for all this behavior could be due to my dad lost all his money and got into debt (business & gambling) long time ago, so my mom is the one who feeds the family, maybe that cultivate the RIGHTEOUS and try to control everything.

I know she did a lot for the family, but that doesn't means now its the time my dad to do everything she insisted on and let her stripped away his happiness. btw, insisting my dad doing things her way doesn't make her more happy though.

Clarifying on my mom situation, she is not worrying on lossing my dad, she just purely cultivate the habit of being righteous, she likes to gives her point of view and wants others to follow, yet reluctant to take in any advices from anyone.

I am perfectly fine when she wants to do whatever she wants on herself, I respect her freedom and since she enjoy doing weird things (e.g she wrapped up / covered almost everything thing in the house with plastic to avoid dust, even her mobile phone). but I am really annoyed when my dad is being stopped from doing things he enjoy doing, and my dad is a really soft person so he just tolerate whatever she said, she is stopping him driving around because she thinks driving means subject to accident risk, he was not allowed to exercise at the place he wants. Even though she can give her own reasons on every single things, I cant agree that life is about being logic, its about enjoying life, especially when it comes to personal preference.

My mom yet to acknowledge she has dementia, she just said its only short of memory, but from the workshop i attended, she has dementia symptom: forgetful, repeats on her Idealogy, and easily get emotional and express it in front of the public.


My dad used to stays with her and looks very unhealthy and lack of energy, which after that he move to elsewhere to work for a friend, and he become much mentally younger, healthier and happier, but he was retrenched and going to move back in with my mom next month, so I get kinda worried. I plan to get a car for my dad so he can went around to meet friends, but dunno if my mom gonna stop him from doing it or wrap up all the seats of the car with plastics.

Pam, so I can understand the advice to have a not-for-profit consultant help with the process ... but to contact the poster directly ... huh?

Krayon, I'm feeling a little dense here. More than a dozen people have responded, apparently understanding your question, but I'm not clear what you are asking.

How does a wife with dementia strip a husband of his freedom? Do you mean that she insists he stay with her around the clock? That she insists only he can do something the right way and no one else can? She insists he can't do certain activities -- do you mean like golfing or fishing? Or watching certain shows on tv? Or what?

Could you explain Dad's loss of freedom in a little more detail? I lost a lot of freedom as I cared for my husband on his 10 year journey with dementia. It was the dementia that caused the changes in our lives, not my husband. And I worked at retaining as much freedom as I could, in spite of the disease.

Who is the "we" who wants permission to ignore Mom's suggestions and do it "our" way? Is this you and your Dad, or you and siblings, or ... ?

No one has to follow the suggestions of someone with dementia. In fact, doing so would often be irresponsible. She is losing the ability to reason and to have sound judgment. Someone looking out for her dang well better have those abilities, and use them on her behalf! The person with dementia may be "always right" in the sense that it is counterproductive to argue with them, but doing everything they want may not make sense.

If you can explain in a little more detail what is going on, you may get some additional specific responses.

Jeanne, we worked with a benefits consultant, ERBC, and they made it painless. The ALF referred us to them and the key piece of advice they gave us was to fill-in the 2680 form ourselves and just have the MD sign it. Then they reviewed all the documents and pointed out errors and omissions. There was no fee for their help. A good facility will refer you to the best help.

EvaLynnPearl, could you explain why someone should contact you personally before contacting the VA? That just seems like a very odd piece of advice.

I have to agree with Garden Artist. This is not the place to solicit business. For any reason at all, but especially under the guise of trying to help. Perhaps her words sounded 'harsh' because she has not had the benefit of the 'Speakers Advocate' classes offered by Nancy Solari.

Having a middle man between oneself and the VA would likely only slow things down. The VA has all the info regarding policies and procedures and are more than willing to help, free of charge. BTW, I am one of those spouses, receiving financial assistance and the elder does not have to be in Assisted Living.

EvaLynnPearl, you mentioned that since our parents took care of us, we need to take care of them in return. We need to remember that when our parents were carrying for us as children, they were usually in their 20's or 30's..... not in their 60's and 70's, which is a HUGE difference. In fact, I wouldn't hire a caregiver who is my age.

krayon, I am curious what *instructions* does your Mother imposes on others? Could it be that Mom did all the work and caring inside of the home, and now that she needs to be cared for, your Dad doesn't know what to do?

My Dad is clueless around the house.... I know when I bring my parents' groceries to them, Mom hurries as fast as she can to put the groceries away, apparently she is afraid Dad will try to help and put things where she wouldn't find them ;) For 96 years old she moves pretty quick !!! She's trying to get Dad to learn how to do the washing/drying, and trying to do simple things in the kitchen. Too bad she didn't do that 30 years ago when Dad first retired, but the house was her domain for all those years while Dad was at work.

Somehow I think this may be a product of the marriage dynamic than the dementia. If the wife was the one calling the shots for the entire marriage, than this is just more of the same.

If the marriage was equally based, where each tried to understand the needs of the other, it may be the dementia speaking. I would try to accommodate your father's needs as caregiver. Perhaps sending mother to a day care facility during the day hours, limiting his caregiving duties and hours. If he gets worn down he can't help her or himself.

She will have to adapt as she is his dependent as well as his spouse at this time.

Good luck.

Talk to either your father's or mother's doctor. My parents' doctor was great at for both of them. Have the doctor "prescribe" time away from home for mom (such as adult day care) and/or Dad (work out, something he likes) and get a housekeeping person in during that time. Make sure that you are present while to housekeeper is there. Be sure to lock away valuables, make a list that you can leave at your parents' home so you can reassure them the things have not been stolen. Once you are familiar with the housekeeper, one parent can be there (Dad?) while that person works. Gradually increase the times the person comes, and perhaps have that person prepare lunch or dinner also. As your mother get worse, she will be accustomed to this person and Dad can leave and get the activity the doctor "ordered". This should give them both the time they need to trust the person.

Krayon, you can do whatever your Dad wants to do and if he agrees with your Mom, and does what he wants, thats great. With Dementia its so normal to get bossy and even aggitated and agressive. Chances are she will forget what she demands anyway right? Your Dad could die before her if he doesnt get relief. Maybe your Mom needs meds for her disposition just for now, I would ask her Doctor. I would also help your dad as much as possible to make sure he gets out on a regular basis. The alzheimer association told me that we are to treat the dementia as "the customer is always right" and things will go just fine, it does work! This stage will pass, just follow your heart.
And as far as EvaLynn's comments, I had someone from the VA and they are not on our side, they dont want to really help. Once I hired someone outside of the Veterans, my Mom was receiving money within weeks. As far as finding a home for our parents, I totally disagree, have you worked in one and seen what they are like behind closed doors, even in the top nursing homes? At-Home help is #1 the best thing we can do for our parents. The more I hear how wonderful a parents nursing home is, the more guilty I know that child feels putting them there, they are kidding themselves. They have no time to feed someone for 90 minutes or more, time to chat, hold hands and give them wonderful long bathing and family time. In fact some are outright verbally (or worse) nasty to them egardless of their reputation. They are treated very different when YOU are looking, but not later on. I think assisted living for those without dementia is great, but for those with it, who cant do things themselves or even advocate for themselves, they deserve better, they are our parents. Its not easy for sure, but again, they're our parents. Also the medications can also aggitate them. I work closely with a neurologist and he uses depakote on anyone with dementia symptoms of aggitation. Aricept can make them more aggitated, etc, they need something to calm the brain.I know its different for everyone for sure. Good luck to all caregivers!!!

To get back to the original question of overriding mom: Spouse has control UNLESS you go to court and have him/her declared incompetent. PRO:Your key goal is to keep dad happy. CON: Never get between a husband and wife. They will join forces and cast you out like a demon. Couples married for a lifetime will fight fiercely to stay together to the end.

Sorry, Garden Artist. Please let it be known that I am not "trolling for business" for the VA. I am sorry that you have completely misunderstood my help and advice. Advocate Speakers are very important in the world we all live in today. I am sorry that you had to communicate with me in a very harsh manner. I hope you will have a better and more pleasant day. Thank you. Eva Lynn Pearl

EvaLynnPearl: I feel the need to comment on one aspect of your post:

"I can't begin to express that it is very important to personally contact me for the VA information vs calling the VA in your area. I may be able to help get this information processed much quicker."

I can't begin to express my confusion and outrage at the audacity of someone trolling for business on a forum like this. Obviously you're not going to be doing this for free, or are you? It's my understanding that those who solicit potential clients to allegedly assist with VA applications cannot charge for doing so.

While you may actually have an altruistic interest, the concept of contacting and providing highly personal financial information to someone who uses a online forum like this is ludicrous.

That kind of assistance is offered for free at county VA centers, and by some veterans' organizations. Why in the world would someone contact a complete unknown, via an internet connection, and provide personal and confidential financial information? And what are your qualifications? Being an Advocate means nothing - it's merely your own statement of your alleged qualifications.

I find your approach distasteful and insulting if not exploitive.

Sorry Pam, I have to disagree with you. If my Mom was making life miserable for my Dad due to dementia I would definitely step in. Burnout in a 72 yr old caregiver is going to happen under those circumstances! Think of her as drowning, just because she is the wife doesn't give her the right to take him down with her!

First let me say that for the past 10 years I have been a Care Giver. Recently I have become an Advocate Speaker for the elderly and their families and Care Givers. Only through my personal experience can I provide information to help the elderly and for those who are taking care of them.

Care Givers: Our parents have always taken care of us. It is now our turn to take care of them. This by no means is going to be an easy journey. It is very important for a person to leave their guilt and personal feelings at the front door. A child or family member may wish to take care of their elderly parent. Even though this may be a very kind and thoughtful idea, this decision normally does not work. I would highly suggest visiting Care in our area and hire a Care Giver. There are well experienced individuals on this particular site that can be hired between $10-$15.00 per hour. What must be learned through this process is that a child or family member must now become a very good "little friend" to the elder and not just a member of the family. Think back to your childhood and how you and your little friend had a lot of good times together.

Dementia/Alzheimer's: This is a very difficult time for any elder who knows they are in the throws of loosing their independence. A person's brain that is experiencing dementia mostly remembers things that have happened in their past. It is very hard for their brain to remember immediate things that are happening or that has been said. The beginning signs of knowing that a person is entering the world of having dementia begins to start falling and they find a hard time finding words to say. Sad to say but this causes an elderly person with dementia to become very irritable, suffer stress, depression, become uncontrollable, combative, and lash out in anger. What I suggest is asking the elder's PCP to give a referral for a General Adult Psychiatrist. Tell the elderly that they are being taken to a specialist to review the immediate medications being taken. Even though the Psychiatrist will ask the elder various questions, be prepared to provide the answers not the elder. Only as a suggestion, ask if the following medicines can be prescribed for the elder to take: Ramron, Aircept, Trazadone. It is important that the lowest dosage is first prescribed. These medicines can be increased as needed. These medicines work like a miracle in calming a person where they are more loving and not so controlling.

Assisted Living: The worse thing to do is not to do anything. I highly suggest that you start doing a research for Assisted Living facilities in your area. The problem is that most of us know that this time is going to come. When this matter is delayed, there will be a very strong rude awakening. You are now in what is called the "sandwich" group. You are going to be between trying to live your life, trying to take care of your loved one, and constantly trying to figure out how you are going to manage all of this. When an elderly couple is primarily entering the world of dementia leading to Alzheimer's, one cannot basically take care of the other. I can't begin to highly stress enough -- research, research, research -- don't wait until the last minute.

Assisted Living - There are kinds of AL. It is very important to have a list of questions to ask such as: What is the "Daily Plan", Amenities Available, Staffing (RN and DR on board 7/24), Nutritional Dietician, and other services such as Hospice, Wheelchair Accessible Showers, Aging in Place, Respite Offered, Complimentary Transportation, and Resident Parking. What is highly important to ask is if daily vital signs can be taken for the elderly including Blood Sugar test.
Note that an elder's PCP can request Home Health Care to visit every other day or 1x per week to process the Blood Sugar test.

Medication List & EMS: What I would highly like to suggest is that the elders have typed for them the following information. This information needs to be given to the elder's PCP. A copy of this information needs to be tacked by the entry door of the home to give to EMS. If this information is not provided, the elder is given whatever medicines the doctors at the hospital wish to give them. If the wrong med is given to an elder, it could kill them.
1) List of all medications they are taking, dosage, and how many times per day.
2) List of all medications that they are allergic to.
3) If an elder who is experiencing Dementia or Alzheimer's who is living in their home, a Medical Alert System needs to be in the home. These systems are not expensive and they are life savers.
4) List of all important contact phone numbers.

EMS & Hospitals: Always phone EMS to have oneself or elder taken to the hospital. Otherwise, it could take up to 24hrs. to be admitted and seen by a doctor.
When EMS takes an elder to the hospital, ask if there is a unit for the (elderly).
The elderly are seen more quickly in this special unit.

VA: If your father was active in the military service, there may be a possibility of the elder to receive "Spousal Financial Assistance". There are certain policies and procedures that need to be followed and met. Please note that an elder must already be living in Assisted Living. I can't begin to express that it is very important to personally contact me for the VA information vs calling the VA in your area. I may be able to help get this information processed much quicker.

Please note that I can only share my experience with you. It is up to each of us what we decide to do for the elderly and loved ones. It is very important that a person taking care of a loved one take care of them self through the process. There will be times that taking care of a loved one can be over-whelming. This can all be successfully done by putting things in order and in place.

My prayers are with you and your family.
Sincerely, Eva Lynn P.

Your mother is likely stopping your dad from doing a specific activity because she relies on him and is now afraid to be without him due to having dementia. I think the smartest thing to do would be to begin bringing in professional caregivers a couple of days per week. When the caregivers come in, at first your dad should stay home, but he should not do anything for your mom. The caregivers will work to build a relationship with your mom so she will come to rely on them. Don't be surprised if your mom becomes angry about the caregiver or wants to fire her. As the adult child, you must exert benign dominance over your mother because this is for her own good. That means you agree with what your mom says, but the caregiver cannot be fired and it is a permanent thing. Over time, your mom will become friends with her caregivers and rely less on your dad when the caregivers are there. Once that happens, your dad should leave the house when the caregivers are there without announcing what he is doing and go do his hobby (such as go play golf.) It is all too easy for the main caregiver to get swept up in caregiving to the point that they have no other life. As the adult child in this situation, it is up to you to make certain that your father DOES have his own life and still CAN participate in the activities he enjoys. Your father may at first refuse to do this, but as he gets to know the caregivers and trust them, he will finally be able to leave the house and do other things from time to time. You may have to enlist the help of your father's good friends in order to get him out of the house or even set a date for you and your father to take him out of the house to do something. Once your father knows he can successfully go out, and your mom is safe at home with her caregivers, things will start going more smoothly for him. It is sort of like leaving your baby with a babysitter for the first time. You father needs to feel confident that the caregiver CAN handle any situation that arises and that your mother is safe.

My mom is the same way WITH FAMILY, STRANGERS,and NON FAMILY she's more passive/kinder.I was LETTING her take charge.I just told her the way it is and it's definitely changed things.Don't be afraid to take charge.We let my mom be in charge because she's our mom, and were her children, thinking that's how it's supposed to be.I wouldn't ever take away my mom's dignity, I'm not letting her be mean or disruptive. Take Charge! :) God bless, it's so so hard

You didn't say whether she ALWAYS controlled your father earlier in life. If so, he's never going to stand up to her, even if you kids try to get him to do so. If this is new behavior, then by all means just humor her, but do what you want. Nobody should have the right to control others, especially if they are helping her stay at home.

At what stage is your mom with her dementia, does she still have total memory or muddled. In my parents case, my father was a selfish person, so would leave my mother at home and go off to enjoy his game of bowls and get away for several hours per week.
Can you get your mother to go off to some day care facility to give him a break. and in that time , get the chores done that she claims are not being done properly.
IF she has progressed sufficiently to be constantly complaining but not really remembering then I guess its that game of agreeing with her, but doing what you feel is best. So I guess its time to 'ignore' your mom and concentrate on your father and see that he gets a break, either by other members relieving him several times a week, or being a companion for him at least. or organising the break

If your mum has dementia and needs to be cared for by another person, whether this be husband, children or other relatives, then the person(s) doing the caring need to have respite. Your mum is obviously trying to exercise control over the person she knows she has to rely on because she is aware of her own vulnerability. This is common in dementia, my mum does this with me. However, by submitting to such demands the carer only sinks into depression and is ultimately unable to give the care which keeps the person with dementia out of a residential facility. So it's all a question of what the most sensible thing is and in your case I would say that your dad should reclaim his freedom, he should continue with his own activities, but at the time when he does this, you or a sibling if possible should stand in for him so that your mum doesn't appreciate he's not around. Eventually, she won't know whether he's there or not, but if he waits until that time, he may not himself have the energy or health left to take up his hobbies again. I wish you luck with this.

No, the wife has first rights over children.