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My Mom and I go for a walk every morning and the rest of the day she does nothing. Made a veggie garden and she was happy and then said I can't help bending is bad for the spine. It seems like all the years living alone and doing nothing has left her with no manners or the will to participate in anything out of her chair. How do I get her more motivated to do anything including bathing. I feel like I am her personal maid.

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I so understand where you are at. My mom is the same way. She worked at the high school for many year and then ran a restaurant for 20 years. She was always busy but never have any friends that she hung out with and did things with. She made me promise to never put her in a nursing home. It's tough because I can't even imitate some of the activities she used to do because she can't do them any more. I have realized that my idea of a good day for her and her idea of a good day are totally different. I just have to accept her limitations and move on. So now, if I can get at least a couple smiles out of her during the course of a day, I'm happy. Smiling is good for the soul, for both my mom and me. Hang in there and just keep loving her. That's one thing we can do and feel good about. Also, be sure to take care of yourself. Your well being is almost more important than your mom's because you have to be healthy to take care of her. Stay strong :)
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The YouTube link must be incorrect. It isn't working for me.
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(Sorry I really need to proof-read my posts. This is a do-over of my last post:)

For all of the care-givers who do not want to leave loved ones sleeping or sitting in a chair all day and refusing help, check out this video about learning and connection. Much of it also applies to persons with dementia, what happens when the connections are broken and how we can use these tools to effortlessly help our loved ones with connecting to their life with us.
youtube/watch?v=yaSWWmTsQ4A
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For all of the care-givers who would does not want to leave their loved one sleeping or sitting in a chair all day and refusing help, check ou this video out about learning and connection - much of it applies to persons with dementia and what happens when their connections are broken, and how we can effortlessly help with bringing the connections back every day.
youtube/watch?v=yaSWWmTsQ4A
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Shakingdustoff, I grew up in a small town where people died natural deaths and it was understood when an old dog crawled under the porch to die alone, this was actually Mother Nature at her finest hour. So I have a hard time with keeping my mom in a mental hospital when she actually wanted to die. My heart goes out to you on this one. I am sure my mom is in complete control of when she leaves us. It sounds like your mom may be miserable with her living situation. I do think they are preparing to go, and we should let them know what we can and can't do by law when they are in more ludic moments. I do this often with my mom and she'll say, "Don't worry, I'm not ready to go yet!" And then I say, "Well then you have to eat because I don't want to have to tell the doctor you're not eating, they'll put you in the hosp with an IV." There are so many stages to finally letting go, I think some folks just need to feel they are in control of something at each bend in the road and they have a need to feel a little dignity about how it all goes.
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My mom's in a retirement home, barely sufficient care. I have to do her meds and she sometimes messes them up and blames me. She has figured out how to advance the carousel if she doesn't think the right meds are inside. I check it every time I go over. 3-4 times a week, sometimes more.
She won't make friends, only to say hello and complain about the food and laundry service. No one likes that their clothes are washed together.
She whines about the place being a "prison". When I tell her she doesn't have to stay in her room all day, she says she has no place to go. Not interested in any activities. I tell her you are lonely because you CHOOSE to be alone, you have choices! She loves to go shopping once I get her out but it's a hassle getting her to go with me. She sits so much her dog gets walked once, maybe twice a day unless we or her long time friend who visits takes it. I keep saying "if you don't walk, you will get to where you can't walk anymore!". I'm tempted to scare her by saying "when you can't walk her anymore I WILL find her a new home!! That will get a tantrum out of her! LOL. There is very little about this job. I am glad I don't have to live with her, but as it has always been, it HAS to always be about HER!! (as in birthdays, mothers day, depressed days, when the dog gets dirty, when the food isn't good, which is most of the time. Etc.). I've been taking her things they don't offer. Avocados, cornbread and milk, home made biscuits and jams, home made tea, and others. She won't admit it makes life a little more normal for her. 4 days in a local hospital in March that was a hallucinatory nightmare for her caused her to call the retirement place "home" when she first got back and I got her back on her anti-anxiety meds. Next time, and there will be, I will be monitoring her meds and making sure she gets her meds that keep her calm. She thought I had abandoned her in a strange place. Claimed she saw no nurses in uniform or doctors in white coats. Surprise, I did! She claimed they took her outside the building on a stretcher to a "shed out back full of tools and car parts and also a heart machine". I don't know why she imagined that except that she didn't believe she was in an actual hospital. I still can't disagree with her or she gets angry and yells at me. (not her usual behavior). As is said on here often...We all have our stories.....hopefully we can help each other cope and accept what we can't change . God bless!
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Sascargiver I enjoyed reading your response. My mom has some dementia and I think it is so important to keep her mobile and alert. She likes to sleep but is willing to get up when I tell her it's time. We go for walks and I take her with me when I have errands to run. We have discussed assisted living but she says she doesn't need assistance . I tell her than you are staying here with us. I feel as long as I can take care of her I will.
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Mom lives with me, when she has no motivation and I know it's the dementia talking, and I simply ask her, "Mom, do you want to live here or go to a nursing facility?" Usually she gets right up and says, "What do you want me to do?" Sometimes I have to remind her that our deal is as long as she is mobile, I want her living here with me. What do I care if the stories are real or not and she asks me 20 times or not, as long as she is asking. If Mom is medicated it makes her feel badly and if she is allowed to sit for too long and the dementia takes over. I would not be able to continue taking care of her at home so it's best to take her to the park to walkas she pushes her little wheelchair until she gets tired, then I push her. We notice all the dogs and babies and we let people talk to her through me. She needs my protection to help her feel safe. I am there with her always, helping her enjoy whatever aspects of life I know she likes when she feels like doing something, not when she wants to do something, it's when she has the energy. This way she is there and neither overwhelmed or underwhelmed by any given situation and we find a way to make it fun, if at least for only a few minutes at a time.
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It has been about 5 months since my father died and my mom has moved in with my husband and myself. She is 90, has nueropathy and poor vision. She can see things but can't see to read. She also has the beginning stages of dementia. So finding activities for her to do can be difficult. She gets very annoyed when watching TV with all the commercials. A lot of times she wants to sit on the back porch but soon that will not be an option either because we live in Arizona and it will soon be too hot. I have found a senior day care program that she seems to enjoy but that is only one morning a week. It does give me a few hours of much needed "me" time. She has outlived all her family and friends and I do wish I could find a few ladies in her age bracket that she could have coffee with once in awhile. She doesn't want to be left alone which makes it hard too. My two daughters help me when they can and that is truly a blessing. I just wish I could figure out a way to make my mom feel useful again. It's hard to watch someone you love become like this:(
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I do agree day care is the way to go. But, when I mentioned it to my mother. I got a big NO! My sister asked her and she got the same response. My mother was home with 4 children as we got older. She never wanted to leave the house. She would take a walk and cook and read. Then she had dementia. She lost it all and would go back to bed. The following year I had a baby. That made her light up. The doctor told me it was ok for her to babysit. When she was an infant. My husband was home watching and my mother was fine with a baby and she loved doing it. She watched her as a toddler. Then I put my daughter in with other children. I couldn't leave her with my mother all day. My daughter needed to be with other children. But, my daughter was home for lunch and my mother would have lunch ready. Nap, she would read to her and watch children's TV shows. It kept her happy. My daughter was in the second grade and the doctor said no more child watching. My daughter had a full day in school then was aftercare till 6pm. My mother thought it was criminal. I reminded her I was the mother. My mother reminded me she was the grandmother. I had moved in when my daughter was a toddler. But, she always loved to see her come home. She would feed her and bathe her. There where some nights my daughter would sleep with my mother. It made me laugh. Her own children where not allowed to sleep with our mother. But, during the day my mother slept. Would not leave the house but, did like TV but, after an hour she was back in bed. My daughter got older and one day my mother forgot her name. My daughter was devastated. But, it only happened once in a while. My mother knew her and her children right up until the day she died. I felt at the end, I was happy I didn't force her to do something she didn't want to. My daughter brought her great joy. I was happy my mother died at home and her last 12 years, she had happiness.
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Old Spanish proverb (possibly fake, but that's what I was told): "how wonderful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards."

If your mother is sitting in her chair complaining about how bored and miserable she is, or sighing deeply, one of those sighs with a quavering little flutter at the end for dramatic effect... then I agree, persevere with a schedule of visits, activities and pastimes until you find the combination that perks her up.

But if she's sitting dozing on and off, and she's apparently content, and the only identifiable problem is that you sometimes think "yikes, I'm just letting my mother sit there like a wilting cabbage - this cannot be good for her" - well, then I would be inclined to let her be. She's spent her whole life tearing about. Maybe she just likes this protracted down-time. By all means entice her with suggestions you think might appeal, but be happy to take no for an answer and try not to get frustrated.

I sympathise about the garden. Been there, watching her hobble grim-faced past the lovely violas and nemesia and the twinkling forget-me-nots and thinking to myself "well that was a dead waste of a morning."

On the bathing, you can get strict though. Present her with a basic minimum timetable and stand over her. For myself, I've stopped suggesting and started just running a bath for her: old imperatives die hard, and she won't waste the hot water.
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Dad is not very mobile. I have made the window outside his chair interesting. A pinwheel to see how the wind is blowing, a humming bird feeder, I had a bird feeder until I got rats...Pretty flowers (fake ones in the winter, he can't tell). He used to say he did not like my cat, but now even he is opening the patio door for her to come inside (she really does have her own door,,,but it's always nicer to be waited on, even for a cat!). I did give my mom buttons to sew on shirts etc (even with a stroke, she did it better than me). Keep pencils, paper, drawing notebooks nearby so a no pressure arrangement. Have your mom teach you a skill (knitting, crocheting, jewelry making). Audio books. Music + scenery videos (eyes and ears involved).
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My mom is as Evak describes --no hobbies, no friends, no senior center, no outings unless I take her. She is 91. She no longer reads, gets the newspaper, nor watches tv (I witness that she can no longer follow a shows plot for any length of time). She just sits and daydreams, dozes all day other than walking outside daily and getting mail. It's frustrating because I know she could do more and I hate her not having social interaction or having any interests...but I've accepted it and let her be. She doesn't say she's unhappy or bored nor does she beg me to come over.

I'm not responsible for her happiness or entertainment. She is lucid enough to understand and make a change if she is unhappy, so I'm at peace with that. She seems content with being solitary and living alone "her way".
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Put yourself in your mother's situation. If you cannot think of words in order to form a complete sentence, communicating with others becomes very difficult. Let her tell or show you what she wants, and that should be enough. Just accept her for who she is now. Bathing is not a top priority with dementia patients. What is the use (I can only guess)?
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I understand the feeling. I have had the same issue with my grams. It is a type of depression, but if they won't participate in their care, you cannot make them. I have had this talk with my grams more than once. She gets jealous because I am out and about, she cannot just get up and go any more. She is having difficulty accepting her limits. Yet, yesterday she told me she is content with being in her chair, doing nothing, because it is too much effort to get in and out of the car and use the wheel chair. It is a catch 22. Grams is 96 and has always taken care of herself, done for herself, yet I have been the one to keep the house clean even before I moved in. :)

I pray and take time outs. I ask her to do little things I know she can, staying out of the way as much as possible, until she asks. But this has been trial and error for 6 months now. Exhausting and I have lost my temper a few times. But we always talk and tell each other how much we love the other.

I have not found an easy fix. It is their wish, not ours. I send you blessings.
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I would never take my husband to a senior center. First of all, he would raise a fuss about going, and secondly, I wouldn't trust them with him for a million dollars. I had him in physical therapy three years ago when the doctor dismissed him from the hospital after he fell and broke his collar bone, and our insurance paid for a week in therapy, but they were short staffed, were not paying attention to him, he almost fell out of bed a couple of times. I took him home. A person with dementia is safest in his own home, and expensive nursing homes be damned, too. Their care is not much better, either.
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Prier to the dementia my mom had plenty of things that kept her busy, she was a designer and build restaurants, hotels etc...and she did all sorts of creative things, making jewelry, painting, loved gardening etc on her down time.

Just prier to her getting the Alzheimer's she had instructed myself and my brother that if she ever got to a point where she needed to be cared for to put her in a nursing home so she could hang out with the other old ladies and have a great time.

Today however she is terrified of the idea thinking it is absolutely horrible and has no desire what so ever to be creative. The only things that capture her attention are when we go out for drives, shopping (only for a minute then she is bored and wonders) and watching Eureka on Netflix (we have watched all 9 seasons at least a dozen times over the year).

She gets angry when we mention a seniors day program...she just does not relate to playing bingo and such.

Mom is totally not motivated to do anything, like bathing, but I insist and if she is being particularly stubborn tell her that she can't go out with us if she does not...then she huffs off to take the bath I've already made for her.

My mom's personality does not lend to kind reminders, hints or redirection, so I have to be firm and demanding with her, which is not my personality so much but you do what works.

The Neurologist said that you can't force them to get involved with anything, or even want to do anything...just every once in a while offer something different to do...with the Alzheimer's they may forget they don't like to do things and find an interest in things they once didn't want to do...so it's possible...but I've not found it to be so yet.

The regular doc who we have only seen once really tried to convince my mom to go to a day program and it really adjetated her and I told the Dr that mom just isn't interested for several reasons, and she (Dr) got kinda upset with me and insisted we get her involved in art projects etc. LOL...I'm an artist and so is my eldest daughter and my other two kids do art projects all the time at home. We have oil paints, acrylic paints, water colors, crayons of every type...colored paper, paper with designs ... basically we are set up.

She said...well maybe if you'd offer...of course my mom said she had never been offered ... well she does not remember...but I told the doc we offer all the time.

My point is this...the Neurologist said that it's a shame but most Dr's don't understand when some people just don't fall into the regular category and he said just ignore them and keep on doing what we are and stop feeling guilty about it.

Sorry I'm a little long winded. :) Hope it helps though.
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Although my husband, age 77, has Alzheimers, he is still at home, and hopefully will be for quite awhile.
His hobby is woodworking and repairing and painting tractors and riding lawn mowers, etc. I doubt if there are any Alzheimers Caring Homes that have a woodworking shop. Otherwise he'll just watch television, which is not really a hobby. So I am just inquiring at this stage of his life. Not a fun thing to do...marymember
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I am 67 and my Mom is 91. I've been trying to get her to go to a senior center but all they do is play BINGO and make silly crafts that are childish and ugly. She will not go back and I can't say that I blame her (she hates Bingo). She is a news junkie and watches CNN all the time. No wonder she gets depressed! She needs to be with other people her age(so do I!) but there aren't too many 91 year olds around. I wish there was a way to spark an interest in Something....everything I suggest get a no. I've decided to sign up for a few classes for myself and continue to substitute teach just to get out of the house/news channel/boredom-cycle! She is fine on her own for a couple of hours at a time. We have now lived together for 3 months and I can see burnout on the horizon if I don't make some changes. She doesn't seem to want her life anymore and I miss mine so much. I thought caring for my mom would be uplifting and gratifying.....depressing and frustrating is what I'm seeing lately. The harder I try to problem solve ,the more she complains and finds fault. I will never do this to my son or daughter! Thanks for letting me "VENT"!!!
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My MIL is the same way. She has no hobbies, just sits up at her house all day watching tv and sleeping on the couch. She complains on occasion that nobody comes to see her other than my cat. She used to cry about nobody coming to see her and this was when she was still driving so she could've gotten out to see people. She's had invitations to go spend the night with friends but just sits at home. Her brother comes and gets her every now and then, which sometimes she doesn't want to go but will to be polite. She wants to babysit my kids and doesn't understand why I won't let her but will let my mother, or dh's cousin, etc.
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I am 60 and I can tell you that no one will ever, ever get me to go to a senior center or to play games. I don't feel well enough to get dressed and be somewhere every day and I'm sure that will get worse as I get older. But I have interests: I read, and do the internet, Facebook, keep up with current news, walk my dog, and so I am never bored. I hope no one is forcing their mom to go to a senior center if she doesn't want to go! I'd be on her side! You just need to find out what interests she has that lie beneath....and believe me, they are there somewhere but maybe depression is getting in the way. Best wishes.
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I had my 94 yr old mom's brain-mapping done and the Theta brain wave was high in comparison, which left her with sleeping too much and low motivation. I always have to help her with puzzles, when she gets stuck I make it like a games where I show and/or tell her which piece belongs where then she can fit it in. Just fiinding a way to help keep her going strengthens the old memory patterns.
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Mom spent her whole life caring for us no time in her mind for friends she did like to crochet but now brain will not tell hands what to do she also liked ceramics. Senior center no way she is not old LOL so I said I will go with you it will be fun. I am not 55 yet! Back home if you were a care giver you could go well I went to sign us up and I was told NO you can drop her off! Let's see she is a fall risk will get scared they did not care they said there seniors are very protective of the senior environment! What snobs! So think YMCA but can not put charge in pool area mom and water no way! So we sit home her old and getting older and me not so much and getting older! I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT CARING FOR MOM but I was amazed that the senior center was so unaccomidating! We tried a home care giver so I could get out but that never goes well . All this being said we need to reinvent the system a bit a center where we can take our elders for crafts exercise and such that has a room where we can leave them for shot times say to change to swim or even leave the just for 30 min at a time. Kinda like a YMCA but with a room with trained elder care! Like a mommies and me program for moms and babies like liberty time for toddlers were they do not have to be so very quiet! Oh gosh if I had money or a grant I would so start this! We do not all choose to put our elders in a home!
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I also found some games designed by a man for his son with autism they are super simple and very reinforcing.
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Get an I pad simple games and puzzles, mom always loved slot machines it was a good option for her as she is a fall risk. However 1year later she has not attention span at all. I too struggle with what to other then sleep! She has also developed panic attacks so going out has been hard and we did like having people over dinner and things church was great they would come to visit but now any new people in the house rocks the boat to much!
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My Mom is like this too. She insists she IS busy and has enough to do but really she's doing nothing. Not even TV or her puzzles she HAD to have. I called her doctor and discussed her behavior and he agreed that it is dementia. She never was much if a social person so for 6 years I have suggested she go to a senior center and was told a firm NO! She has enough friends. ( she has none and her other kids don't bother with her) I told doctor about this and how I needed a break. He walked in and asked her a few questions then " prescribed " 2-3 visits a week to senior center to get her moving. She is more willing now that its doctors orders!
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My mom is like this too. She never had any hobbies or crafts, never was much into cooking either. The only thing she does (and loves) is bingo. I don't know what it is about bingo and the elderly, but it's a huge draw. I agree about adult day care. It will give you a break and let your mom engage with other people her own age... surely they will have bingo too ; )
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my mother and aunt might have had interests when they were younger but not so much in old age. i just make ( made ) good meals for them and discuss it well in advance to give em something to anticipate. making edna some 15 bean soup right now. she already knows i have pineapple for sweet rice and fruit later.
simple pleasures..
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First thing that came to my mind was "you're toast". SORRY! They get stuck in their ways, but it doesn't mean they cannot learn something else... my former employer told me before I went on this adventure to "remember how we teach the 4 year olds" they have to have a schedule... it needs to somewhat stay concise or else...poof...toast again.
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A person with dementia who has had no hobbies and doesn't want any is probably in about the same boat as a similar person without dementia. We all need things to hold our interest.

The walk is great. Good for you!

An adult day care health program ("day care") may be a partial solution. At least it would be a change of scenery, a chance to interact with other adults, and exposure to some activities. It gives you a break, too.

Could she cut out and/or sort grocery coupons? Fold some kinds of laundry? Have some chores expected of her?

How is her handwriting? Could she be given a stack of old photos and a soft photo-labeling pencil and write names on the backs of the pictures?

My mother liked outings to a plant nursery. Colorful, fragrant, wide aisles, and she could pick out a houseplant to bring home.

My husband loved visiting the local science museum, geared for children but not in a condescending way.
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