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Yesterday I put my mother into care. I had reached the end of my teether well actually had gone past the end of anything, and I'm sorry to say I couldn't get her in fast enough, and couldn't even stay with her the afternoon to settle her because of the tears and you've just got rid of me comments. I had always thought I would never be like that, I literally ran out of the place, which by the way is gorgeous.
My story is like many I started out with the best of intentions promised my mother that I would never put her in a home and that I wanted to share this time with her etc etc...blah blah...OMG...it has been like living in a nightmare. Im 45 and felt like I'd been given a life sentence. Day in and day out I spent with my mother reminising over the past and her listing all those who'd done her wrong, namely my father...day in day out I ran after her from early morning till night, and even then I couldnt sit down because she wanted me to sit with her and bitch about those she'd already bitched about earlier.
I've felt truly helpless, hopeless, depressed, angry...the list goes on and its all negative. After being up all night last week with her vomiting and other nasties, I was cleaning and soaking sheets, towels and her undies...and I think a lightbulb went on above my head. I thought hang on, here I am soaking my elderly mothers undies, it was a beautiful day outside, what the hell am I doing. She blamed me for her upset stomach and reckoned I gave her dodgy fruit...
Well something snapped in me...probably my sanity whatever is left of that! I said to her that's it, I can't do this, Ive tried my best, you need full time care, and I need to find my life again. I knew I had to act quick because the manipulation started immediately...she pulled every stunt in the book to make me feel terrible, from abandonment, to betrayel, to how could you, you name it shes said it. But I've stuck with it, because I deserve a life too.
I will go in to see her today and I can imagine the hell I'm going to get, but actually I've taken control of my life, she can jump up and down and cry, or whatever. I am important too. My life is important, my future is important. Our mothers know us so well and can push our buttons like noone else can, it is like a battle, my mother has made my life hell all my life, as from now, she no longer has that power, because I won't give it to her.
My loving husband of 42 yrs is 19 yrs my senior. I promised I would never put him in a nursing home, altho he never made me make that promise. But after 3 yrs of caring for him, we fell. He landed on top o me & as we laid there I realized this was dangerous so I went to Area On aging. After tests & visits with our Drs my husband slipped into a semi coma & went to the hospital. I cked out 3 nursing homes within this area. They were terrible in my eyes. The 1st one smelled with workers standing around more interested in chatting then the people in chairs around them. The 4th one was one I thought was perfect & our dr was pulling for it too but it were expensive, without a bed for poor. We settled for a home close to the one sone he was close to. But there was much confusion where he did not get his meds for several days & an insadent occured where he was refused residence. But with the drs help he went to the one I wanted him in, after all. He was then put into a nursing home to recoupe, But was found to have diebeties & stayed. After 3 yrs of living within a short distance of most of his children, he was lonely & soon his boys only came by once a yr. if that. He asked me to take him 828 miles away to b close to our grandson, now living in ID. So I walked away from our home of 23 yrs & 40 plus yr of stuff & we moved. Altho I am still struggling here with different state rules, we are able to eat meals together, once a mth I can stay in the guest rm, & he is kept active & treated with gentleness. This is not what we planned & I struggle daily with this long goodbye, never knowing every morning I awaken if he is still with me. There is no reaal help for me in this state but I love it. After several yrs of staying home I now go to church & am very slowly making new friends. Please excuse any & all mispelt words plus. Carla & Doyle
I had to put both my parents in a nursing home at the same time...father had parkinson's and mother had alzheimer's ....my brother and I built another home next door to take care of them ( 7years ) it got to the point whereas it was a safety issues and mother fell and broke hip...moved her from hospital to re-hab and had father join her in the same room. Yes there was the "I want to go home" from father...but we stayed our course and moved on knowing that they were being taken care of and safe. Remember..."the caretaker knows when it's time to move to a nursing home, when live is overwhelming and the stress is unbearable" do not let the parent dictate when the right time will be.
Hey there Christina, sounds like alot of us in the same boat.I think the shame of it all is that I would've loved to have had a great relationship with my mother, and could never understand why this never happened. I have jumped through hoops and done headstands to get her approval. To realise you will never have a loving relationship is hard. Ive often wondered why she turned out like she did, she came from a loving family etc, but always had a sense of entitlement and that she was just that bit better than others. She has put me down all my life, and when I came to care for her I thought finally she has to approve of me doing this, but it just made matters so much worse. She admits its all about her, and I tell her that's fair enough, but according to this theory of hers that therefore means I can use this statement as well to forge a life for myself...this is where she trips up, and tries to say but you owe me. For what? If she wasn't my mother she would be a person I would avoid. But she is and that makes me care for her wellbeing. This is all. I do find myself falling into the trap over and over with my desire to have this 'loving mother' overrides any kind of logic at times, and leaves me drained, depressed and just not a nice person to know. This will continue till the day she is not here, and I'm sure I will feel all the guilt of maybe I should've tried harder, but I hope that logic prevails and I dig myself out of that negative thought process. Sometimes understanding why a person is like what they are like, does little to help, and can make you sadder. All I can do is my best to not be like this to my kids, and learn from mistakes..I gave my kids life, and I love them to pieces, they are far from perfect, but I do not own their lives nor would I hold them to ransom that they must care for me or I will make their lives hell, the thought they would resent me like I do my own mother just makes me shudder. I am who I am, good and bad, but I have learnt that your loved ones are not pawns in some sick manipulative game of life, and you don't treat them so. Live and let live, you get one shot at this life thing, either get to the end with regrets and delusions about yourself, or give it a bloody good shot and get to the end with a feeling of pride and satisfaction you did good. I want to go in the ground being able to slide into the 6ft hole on my knees holding a glass of vino yelling...yeeharr what a ride lol
Jackie, what kind of help would it take to get your lives back while your mom is still living with you? Would it help if she went to a day program several days a week? How about if you had a granny-sitter one night and weekends? What if she went to a nice place that offers respite care while you and hubby go on a vacation? I don't know what she does with her SS $ now, but it seems reasonable to me that most of it could be used for these kinds of things.
It sounds like your mother has some degree of dementia. You say that she can't remember anything. Is this worse now than three years ago? It is likely it will continue to worsen, and the point may come where you simply cannot meet her needs in your home. You are planning ahead for your own future and you sound realistic as you face the future. I think it might be good to start planning for your mother's future, while you don't have to operate in crisis mode. I suggest looking into Medicaid for her. Find out what you need to do for her to apply. What services might she be eligible for while she is still living in the community? Does your state have some kind of an elderly waiver program the supports elders living in the community? Call the department of aging. See what is available to your mom, now, and in the event that placement in a care center is necessary in the future. As you say, there may be no "Answer" but I think you can find many small answers that will help reduce the stress. Work on it. You deserve it!
My 88 year old mother has dementia. She and I live in the same house, but she went into the yard without her walker, fell, and broke her ankle in three places, requiring surgery. She has not been the same since. After discharge from the hospital, she was sent to a NH for rehab. She adapted surprisingly well after an initial meltdown, and was discharged temporarily until she could be weight bearing. Then her therapy would resume. Shortly after coming home, she started going downhill--not eating, becoming agitated and extremely anxious. I was no longer able to assist her to the commode and wheelchair by myself and took her back to the NH so she could rebuild her strength. Her dementia has advanced rapidly. I would guess her to be in Stage 6 dementia. I do not feel I can provide the proper care for her at home when her therapy is complete and must consider the possibility of long term care. My stress level was becoming unmanageable, and I began to develop clinical depression. Mom wants to come home so badly, but she needs 24/7 care. I am also unemployed and looking for a job, so I do need to work and cannot afford to pay someone to stay with her when I am not at home. I hate the thought of long term care, but I don't know what else to do--for her safety and my sanity and health.
I posted on here for the first time about going mad trying to keep my mother happy, from there I knew deep down it was time for her to go into care, whether she was a danger to herself or others, I didn't really give a stuff, my mother was causing me and my mental health some serious problems, didn't help that she told me I was completely insane and needed help everyday.
I literally found a place for her in one day, and moved her in 2 days later, and that wasnt fast enough...In those 2 days prior it was emotional warfare, she did her damdest by trying to get onside my husband and whoever else would listen that I was unstable, and if if I could just go and my husband stay and care for her, this would work out for everyone....um yeah sounds brilliant to me...NOT
I even started believing I was going mad and went to the dr expecting him to find me a cosy padded cell, which I would've welcomed to get some peace! He tried not to laugh, but as he was my mothers dr too, said that I wasn't crazy just a bit stressed.
For too many years now, I have dropped everything to be at my mothers side, with very little appreciation but I did it because I figured I owed her, not because I loved her, she has made my life hell for so long, but she gets away with what no other person would dare to because she is my mother. I can say I did my best which is MY BEST, she would argue this of course.
Harsh as it sounds, she's had her life full of regrets, bitterness, and mistakes. She is 84, and hasn't turned into the kind loving person I could only ever dream about as my mother. She is where she needs to be as the wise Eddie says (he;s very wise!). Let him be cared for and get on with enjoying your life, one day he will be gone, and none of this will matter as you are then in a position to be free. sometimes I think we feel more comfortable feeling guilty and punish ourselves. Our minds focus on the negative its up to us to reverse those thoughts, and have some enjoyment while you can, if you were told you had 6 weeks to live, how would you live your life then?
Today, after years of taking care of my mom, feeling like I would never have a life with my husband again and being so very depressed, mom and I visited a nursing home. She's been so obstanant lately and just downright horrible to be around. Yesterday, she says, "I think I need to look at a nursing home". OMG I couldn't believe my ears because I had promised her that wouldn't ever happen. What I didn't know, is that she could see my frustration, depression and tiredness and sincerely wanted to go to a nursing home where she will have more interaction with people her age. Yes, she has dementia but it's middle of the road and she will make friends. She gave me a gift today. The second gift of life again. Mom was still mom somewhere inside and knew that I couldn't go on this way. (she's blind and deaf as well as can't walk well). Somehow, she knew like she always had. I sincerely think this was her biggest gift to me besides all her love. It was for me that she did this and there is nowhere in my heart that could tell you all the love that I have for her. It has been hell living with mom but somehow she knew that and knew when I had had enough. She's still in there. She still loves me dearly and I will never ever love anyone this much again. She adopted me as a child and she knew the guilt I would feel putting her in a home so she did it. Sorry I'm rambling but I'm still in awe. I thought if this ever happened she would go kicking and screaming. No. She's just as generous as ever it's just that it's harder for that to come out anymore. There is hope and love. Just wanted everyone to know that
I completely agree it has to be the decision of the daughter/son for their parent/s to go into care. I knew if I waited for my mother to go make the decision herself, I would end up in a padded cell before this ever happened. My mother did the crafty thing of saying I think its time I went into a nursing home, its not fair on you or your husband to take care of me...I would say oh no its fine, I made a promise and i will keep it. But when we did visit a nursing home, my decision, she said she loved it and it was time to move on, I knew she still didn't believe she would be in one. Two days later she was in, much to her horror, and all the manipulations and power plays she could muster to stop it from happening. When reality hit she went into overdrive of hating me, but unfortunately for her, this time everyone agreed with me that this was the right thing for everyone...(a first!).
She hates being in there and would prefer a place that didn't have really old people who went to bed early, and the ones with dementia and the deaf ones are just plain annoying, as well as the ones who are loud and just plain common..(this is my mother true to form). I get the 'is this all i have to look forward to now'...
Its costing her an absolute fortune in the home as she never entertained the idea of putting money in a trust because that would be like leaving me and my sister money and why should she as she says, its her money she can do as she pleases with it...which is true, however...you reap what you sow, she now has all the money in the world that will be spent on her as she always wanted.
Sometimes they will tell you what you want to hear, its another form of manipulation to keep you in line so to speak, you may be lucky that your mum really does want to go in a home, but I would be very sceptical until its a done deal...but that's me and the experiences I have had that's made a bit wary of what she says, is way different to what she really means.
End of day, she's sorted, I'm nearly there with new job and ready to move back to the life I had before embarking on the worst year of my life last year..keep moving forwards and keep smiling...thru gritted teeth sometimes lol.
Hey rubi an madge: Been reading your posts today. My Mother was like this: manipulative, selfish, never had time for her kids or grandkids, and I am the only one of 3 left who would fit care giving into my life, along with school, work, and community involvement. But, it is my nature to overcome, learn something new every day, grow, etc. I thought this would be a great character builder, but when it started effecting my health--enflamed nerves in both feet, patches of psoriasis, weight gain, interrupted sleep every night, resentment and loathing for my helpless siblings, neither of whom work or do anything for anyone but themselves--I decided, it's her or me. Dementia does progress, and she does not have those manipulative tendencies anymore. It's only been a matter of months, but she does not put any pressure on me anymore. She is happy to see me and shows her appreciation, even though she is difficult to understand. Sometimes I feel badly that I could not do it in my home anymore, but then I quickly evaluate the reasons in my mind, and I remember that it was the only way to preserve my own life. It is possible that everyone who reads this thread with difficult parents, will be able to get past the point of frustration and feelings of being manipulated. Your parents could have a change of heart about all sorts of things. When we are in the middle of it and we are tired and they are being awful, it's hard to realize that they will change. They give up, eventually. I think we all would do what we need to survive, to hang onto autonomy, and life as we know it as self-sufficient adults. It must be fear that drives them in some ways. I am happy I have been able to forgive my Mother. I still do not understand how she could have been the way she was when we were children, or how uninterested she was in her family, but something in her mind must have made her that way. I have accepted that she did the best she could according to her awareness and capability. I can do better, due to my awareness and ability, so I do. All the Best to you. Hugs, Christina
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My story is like many I started out with the best of intentions promised my mother that I would never put her in a home and that I wanted to share this time with her etc etc...blah blah...OMG...it has been like living in a nightmare. Im 45 and felt like I'd been given a life sentence. Day in and day out I spent with my mother reminising over the past and her listing all those who'd done her wrong, namely my father...day in day out I ran after her from early morning till night, and even then I couldnt sit down because she wanted me to sit with her and bitch about those she'd already bitched about earlier.
I've felt truly helpless, hopeless, depressed, angry...the list goes on and its all negative. After being up all night last week with her vomiting and other nasties, I was cleaning and soaking sheets, towels and her undies...and I think a lightbulb went on above my head. I thought hang on, here I am soaking my elderly mothers undies, it was a beautiful day outside, what the hell am I doing.
She blamed me for her upset stomach and reckoned I gave her dodgy fruit...
Well something snapped in me...probably my sanity whatever is left of that! I said to her that's it, I can't do this, Ive tried my best, you need full time care, and I need to find my life again. I knew I had to act quick because the manipulation started immediately...she pulled every stunt in the book to make me feel terrible, from abandonment, to betrayel, to how could you, you name it shes said it. But I've stuck with it, because I deserve a life too.
I will go in to see her today and I can imagine the hell I'm going to get, but actually I've taken control of my life, she can jump up and down and cry, or whatever. I am important too. My life is important, my future is important. Our mothers know us so well and can push our buttons like noone else can, it is like a battle, my mother has made my life hell all my life, as from now, she no longer has that power, because I won't give it to her.
She has put me down all my life, and when I came to care for her I thought finally she has to approve of me doing this, but it just made matters so much worse. She admits its all about her, and I tell her that's fair enough, but according to this theory of hers that therefore means I can use this statement as well to forge a life for myself...this is where she trips up, and tries to say but you owe me. For what? If she wasn't my mother she would be a person I would avoid. But she is and that makes me care for her wellbeing. This is all. I do find myself falling into the trap over and over with my desire to have this 'loving mother' overrides any kind of logic at times, and leaves me drained, depressed and just not a nice person to know.
This will continue till the day she is not here, and I'm sure I will feel all the guilt of maybe I should've tried harder, but I hope that logic prevails and I dig myself out of that negative thought process. Sometimes understanding why a person is like what they are like, does little to help, and can make you sadder.
All I can do is my best to not be like this to my kids, and learn from mistakes..I gave my kids life, and I love them to pieces, they are far from perfect, but I do not own their lives nor would I hold them to ransom that they must care for me or I will make their lives hell, the thought they would resent me like I do my own mother just makes me shudder.
I am who I am, good and bad, but I have learnt that your loved ones are not pawns in some sick manipulative game of life, and you don't treat them so. Live and let live, you get one shot at this life thing, either get to the end with regrets and delusions about yourself, or give it a bloody good shot and get to the end with a feeling of pride and satisfaction you did good. I want to go in the ground being able to slide into the 6ft hole on my knees holding a glass of vino yelling...yeeharr what a ride lol
It sounds like your mother has some degree of dementia. You say that she can't remember anything. Is this worse now than three years ago? It is likely it will continue to worsen, and the point may come where you simply cannot meet her needs in your home. You are planning ahead for your own future and you sound realistic as you face the future. I think it might be good to start planning for your mother's future, while you don't have to operate in crisis mode. I suggest looking into Medicaid for her. Find out what you need to do for her to apply. What services might she be eligible for while she is still living in the community? Does your state have some kind of an elderly waiver program the supports elders living in the community? Call the department of aging. See what is available to your mom, now, and in the event that placement in a care center is necessary in the future. As you say, there may be no "Answer" but I think you can find many small answers that will help reduce the stress. Work on it. You deserve it!
I literally found a place for her in one day, and moved her in 2 days later, and that wasnt fast enough...In those 2 days prior it was emotional warfare, she did her damdest by trying to get onside my husband and whoever else would listen that I was unstable, and if if I could just go and my husband stay and care for her, this would work out for everyone....um yeah sounds brilliant to me...NOT
I even started believing I was going mad and went to the dr expecting him to find me a cosy padded cell, which I would've welcomed to get some peace! He tried not to laugh, but as he was my mothers dr too, said that I wasn't crazy just a bit stressed.
For too many years now, I have dropped everything to be at my mothers side, with very little appreciation but I did it because I figured I owed her, not because I loved her, she has made my life hell for so long, but she gets away with what no other person would dare to because she is my mother. I can say I did my best which is MY BEST, she would argue this of course.
Harsh as it sounds, she's had her life full of regrets, bitterness, and mistakes. She is 84, and hasn't turned into the kind loving person I could only ever dream about as my mother. She is where she needs to be as the wise Eddie says (he;s very wise!). Let him be cared for and get on with enjoying your life, one day he will be gone, and none of this will matter as you are then in a position to be free. sometimes I think we feel more comfortable feeling guilty and punish ourselves. Our minds focus on the negative its up to us to reverse those thoughts, and have some enjoyment while you can, if you were told you had 6 weeks to live, how would you live your life then?
She hates being in there and would prefer a place that didn't have really old people who went to bed early, and the ones with dementia and the deaf ones are just plain annoying, as well as the ones who are loud and just plain common..(this is my mother true to form). I get the 'is this all i have to look forward to now'...
Its costing her an absolute fortune in the home as she never entertained the idea of putting money in a trust because that would be like leaving me and my sister money and why should she as she says, its her money she can do as she pleases with it...which is true, however...you reap what you sow, she now has all the money in the world that will be spent on her as she always wanted.
Sometimes they will tell you what you want to hear, its another form of manipulation to keep you in line so to speak, you may be lucky that your mum really does want to go in a home, but I would be very sceptical until its a done deal...but that's me and the experiences I have had that's made a bit wary of what she says, is way different to what she really means.
End of day, she's sorted, I'm nearly there with new job and ready to move back to the life I had before embarking on the worst year of my life last year..keep moving forwards and keep smiling...thru gritted teeth sometimes lol.
Dementia does progress, and she does not have those manipulative tendencies anymore. It's only been a matter of months, but she does not put any pressure on me anymore. She is happy to see me and shows her appreciation, even though she is difficult to understand. Sometimes I feel badly that I could not do it in my home anymore, but then I quickly evaluate the reasons in my mind, and I remember that it was the only way to preserve my own life.
It is possible that everyone who reads this thread with difficult parents, will be able to get past the point of frustration and feelings of being manipulated. Your parents could have a change of heart about all sorts of things. When we are in the middle of it and we are tired and they are being awful, it's hard to realize that they will change.
They give up, eventually. I think we all would do what we need to survive, to hang onto autonomy, and life as we know it as self-sufficient adults. It must be fear that drives them in some ways.
I am happy I have been able to forgive my Mother. I still do not understand how she could have been the way she was when we were children, or how uninterested she was in her family, but something in her mind must have made her that way. I have accepted that she did the best she could according to her awareness and capability. I can do better, due to my awareness and ability, so I do.
All the Best to you.
Hugs, Christina
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