My husband is insisting that his father move in with us. FIL has parkinsons (stage 3) and is 76 yrs old. I have my own health issues (not debilitating) and feel very strongly that I do not want to take on the care giving role. We are in our late 50's, kids are grown and on their own. This is supposed to be OUR time, while we are still able to enjoy life. Husband has done NO research as to what it's going to take caring for someone who'll end up bed ridden and needing 24 hr care. What I'm asking of this forum: Please respond with honest answers as to what it's like caring for a parent with limited mobility, and/or caring for a parent who needs 24 hr assistance (which will be the case in a few years) so I can have my husband read some honest input. We both work, husband has a very stressful job that often runs overtime. I know husband would feel guilty if he had to say no, even if the stress affected his own health. I've mentioned that FIL could out live him, then what would I do? Help!
lighter side. I haven't even done 24/7 care continuously, but rather in weeks at
a time in response to hospitalizations. The more I helped, the more he wanted.
In some ways, it seems he enjoys behaving like a child. And no, there isn't any
alzheimer's.
I couldn't imagine doing it 24/7. Just with the stretches of time I've done transferring
him I twisted my ribs and reinjured my back (from 2 car accidents). It's difficult
to imagine the non-stop needs of a parent who has limited mobility, etc.
Best of luck! Glad you've chosen to find quality care outside of your home. Because
at the end of the day. Where would he be if both of you lost your jobs and became
ill.? Because that unfortunately is a real possibility.
I have to say after reading these responses, don't do it but find a facility to put him in. I hope you didn't bring him into your home for your sake !
Tending my DH when he became bedridden was doable because it was just he and I. Not even pets, just DH & I.
Sadly, you will be expected to take all the caregiving on yourself as well as continuing to service your DH. You will become resentful. It will most likely destroy your marriage. Is this what your DH is ready to accept?
My suggestion is to send your DH to go live with and tend for his Father on his own - it might be the only way he will ever see the whole picture. I give him 2 weeks at the most before he sees the light and changes his mind.
Tending Advanced Parkinson's is like taking care of a toddler who ages and regresses at a steady pace.
Truly, these are incredibly personal decisions, and there should be no judgement on snyone as they find their way!
I am a step away from adding a studio apartment to my home to be Mom’s apartment, since the only other space is on second floor, and even with a chair lift, that has to be seen as a temporary step.
Can you please get back to us?
Family was no help at all. It was up to me to find a handicap-accessible van with a lift so I could get her in and out of the van after she could no longer step up into the van with a step stool and me supporting her from behind to make sure she didn't fall.
So once the van was obtained, then it was up to me to get her where she needed to go. I worked from home, so while I was available to do it, it wasn't always easy to get away - and any sort of outing with Mom was a major undertaking due to her mobility issues, so it wasn't like I could just take her to a Dr. appt and leave her there and pick her back up later. It was a 2-3 hour endeavor to take her to any appointment.
Example:
Simple trip out to breakfast with the family (my adult siblings).
Get mom up and TRY to get her to shower so she is clean and get her to brush her teeth. (Sometimes the most difficult part.)
Get her dressed.
Now she wants to lay back down because she's tired from the effort it took to do these tasks, but we're going to be late if she does, so I urge her to just sit in her recliner and rest for a bit while I get her wheelchair around.
Get Mom into the wheelchair and out the door, down the house ramp to the van, and get her wheelchair up onto the lift for the van.
Strap the wheelchair down and lock the wheelchair wheels so she doesn't roll off the lift (had a staff member at the NH make that mistake once - I had to catch the chair so it didn't roll!).
Raise the lift to its highest point, then run around the side of the van and climb in the side door, between the seats and into the cargo area so I can pull the chair into the van with Mom in it.
She's uncomfortable riding in the wheelchair, so she has to transfer from the wheelchair to the van seat. Another tough negotiation to accomplish in tight quarters.
Finally get her settled and strapped in (seatbelt barely fits her, even with an extender).
Off we go.
Drive all of 5 miles to the restaurant, get out and do the whole process in reverse to get her into the restaurant.
Again, family is no help other than being there to hold the restaurant door open for me as I push Mom into the restaurant in her wheelchair.
Some days, I thought it would be easier to put Mom on her power scooter and walk beside her for the 5 miles to the restaurant. Sure seemed it would have been faster some days.
And the tripping/falling - in the last 2 years of her life, Mom fell more than she ever had in her whole life, and sustained very serious injuries. Sometimes it was because her knees were so bad that she couldn't seem to pick her feet up and kind of shuffled when she walked - and if she walked more than about 20', she would start tripping on anything - even a flat doormat like businesses use.
All in all, I have to say Mom's lack of mobility was one of toughest parts of caregiving for her. The other tough part was her stubbornness. She refused to do any sort of physical therapy to even slightly improve her ability to walk on her own. She often refused to shower or even wash up or brush her teeth. Once she went into the NH, they couldn't *force* her to do those things, so she often went unbathed and without her teeth brushed. It was no way to live, but it was her choice to be that way. (Let me say this behavior started way before any sort of dementia set in - the dementia just made it worse.)
Their schedule is now yours, whether you have to do something or not.
The thoughts, constant awareness of another's needs never stop, even if that person is asleep. That causes stress.
For us, it is manageable. You have to take into account how strong you are and how much your dad weighs. My mom is at 115 lbs which is a blessing. Also, both of us are athletes. We can do the heavy lifting without issue. This has made our marriage stronger. We are a solid team. Both of us totally onboard with this. I look at my husband with more love and more admiration than ever before seeing all he does for my mom. Not only that, but is is gentle and charming with her. My mom is appreciates and adores him. She says please and thank you. She is so happy and excited each time he comes home from work. She knows he comes at 7pm and starts watching for him to arrive home. The respect and love she has for him is earned.
We were dating when my mom was originally diagnosed. I quit my job to stay with her full-time. He married me two years into this. She hated him and was against our marriage. Now, she loves him. He patience and gentle nature won her over. She knows her place is with us and we take her with us everywhere we go.
It has been a good journey for us.
You wrote :"Men are so inconsiderate"
That is an ugly generalization about men. How would you like it if a man said the same about women or used any other disparaging word to refer to all women?
What you said is not even true about the OP's husband. He is very considerate of his dad's needs, but he is ignorant about the challenge that they will face and the sacrifice that they will have to make.
Most of us didn't know either until we stepped into the caregiver's role.
If so, has he now changed his mind or is he going to give up his job?
Hugs