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You are married. Anyone, anytime moving in or staying without both persons agreeing is a deal breaker. imo.
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You have to get a nursing assessment & bring it to admissions office of a nursing home facility you tour that’s close by. Then get the ball rolling...Do not put up with the abuse or it’ll be her & your hubby living together.
That’s how they get with this disease. It doesn’t get better. Only worse! My mother has dementia & I’m her primary caregiver...w help part time pvt pay aide. My mother is incontinent & immobile. She tells me often to leave “her” house & go live on street as a prostitute. Mind you, I have 2 Masters degrees, CPA & Teaching licenses. I put everything on back burner to take care of her. I was Sub Teaching part time until March...Anyway, I’m her daughter, not DIL ...She’s 93 & I just do what I can to make her comfortable. She don’t remember 5 minutes after abusing me..I don’t recommend keeping MIL at your home. You will regret it because your marriage will suffer...HUGS 🤗
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Your attempts to keep your mother in law on an even keel are eroding your marriage. Your husband doesn't seem to understand how corrosive it is for you to have to think twice before you give him a kiss or sit next to him.

This isn't your mother in law's fault. She has a disease. But her disease is destroying your marriage...slowly. Like termites in a house. You don't need a support group. You need your husband to wake up.
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WITL2020 Oct 2020
Thank you Marcia, I have to admit that when he first told me I needed to look for a support group, I felt like he slapped me on the face. I am glad he suggested this because it has honestly helped me get rid of every last bit of guilt that I was feeling.

Having him read through the advice coming from complete strangers has helped his mindset too.
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Your situation sounds exactly like mine was. My MIL came to live with us after her husband passed away. They were both living together in an assisted living facility. Like you we didn't live close to my husbands parents so we only saw them for a few hours at a time, maybe 10 times a year, holidays, birthdays, etc. I know for a fact that she loved me and my daughter, from a previous marriage, and always treated us like we were there from the beginning. I was the "daughter" she never had. That is until she came to live with us. She also started to see her son as her own husband. And I know that it didn't help that my husband does resemble his father very much. But every little thing we did together, washing dishes, holding hands, sitting on the couch watching tv, would set her off. I was the &*%$# trying to steal her husband. She would come into our bedroom at night, turn on the light and start saying filthy things to us and would slap at my husband. This went on for six months. Worsening all the time. I, like you, was the main caregiver, as my husband worked. It got to the point that the minute he came home from work, I was out of there. I didn't care where I had to go, my sisters home, walking down every aisle at Walmart, just staying away from my home until I knew she would be in the bed. I would at least have a hour or so with my husband alone. And that is all the time we had. And we are in our late 50's, kids grown, grandchildren. Before bringing MIL into our home, I kept my two small granddaughters. They at first loved grandma being there, but after seeing things, and the way she treated me, and the way she would talk to them, they were afraid of her. I couldn't even keep my babies anymore. No more sleepovers, because grandma still came into my bedroom in the middle of the night, turning on the light, wanting to know where her husband was and who were these kids, etc. I completely lost six months of my life. With Covid, of course we were stuck at home with each other 24 hours a day with no help and her alternately crying, or cussing me. I almost went crazy. My husband and I have been married 25 years and I had never considered leaving before, but I almost did. I just wanted to get in my car and drive anywhere and not come back. That's what did it. My husband could see what this was doing to me and we knew we had to make a change. We were very blessed to find a wonderful facility very close to us. The day we took her was an absolute horror. But the thing is I felt so relieved. It was like the first time in the past six months that I felt like I could breathe. That I was happy. But after some time, its still bothering me. Her treatment of us, the name calling, spitting on, general disposition of my MIL that we endured had made me not care if I see her or not. I still love her but I don't like her at all anymore. It changed my relationship tremendously with her and to be honest, it changed my relationship with my husband. While he knew how unhappy I was, I felt like it took too long for him to do something about it. He did take some of the load off of caring for her when he got home, but it still wasnt enough. WE still didn't have a life together. WE had no time or place for intimacy, physical or emotional. And that can take a toll on the best of marriages. I pray that you will come to the decision to place your MIL for the sake of your family.
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Takincare Oct 2020
Also after mom leaves the home there is no guarantee that the damage to the marriage, children, and family dynamics will ever be the same or salvageable. Caretaking takes a very viable physical, emotional, and mental toll on all involved.
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Sounds EXACTLY what I went thru with my wife and her Mother for many years. We are now divorced.

First of all your Mothers In Laws situation IS NOT going to get better. She probably no longer has the mental capacity to change. And what ever capacity she has left she is getting great pleasure out of being devisive between you and your husband

In order for the marriage to survive there has to be one non negotiable agreement.
Both of you must (not should) agree the needs and health of your marriage come first. If you can not get that.. From my personal experience I know.. you don't have a marriage.

when I gave this ultimatim to my wife she sided with her Mother. Like you I had finally had enough of the abuse from my Mother in law. I was completly exausted and punch drunk. What AMPLIFIES this is when your spouse does not stand up for you. I know from tolerating it for many years. There is nothing more degrading, demorlizing than this envirnment. And it happens EVERY DAY.

This is your spouses responsibility to correct. The both of you needs to sit down with Mom and lay out clear ground rules. Let her know if she can not be respectful and supportive of you and the marriage you will be left with NO OTHER option but to move her to a home. This is YOUR house she has gotta live by your rules.

A big mistake we made was keeping my Mother in law in her house and moving in with her. We lost ALL leverage.

Based on the description you have given of your MIL condition it sounds like he time to be in some sort of full time care facility is way past due.

your spouse needs to decide who is his priority you his marriage or his Mother. Inthis kind of situation he cannot have it all. Letting this continue he is doing extreme damage to you and to your relationship. Candidly do not be suprised if he picks Mom. I am stunned at how many adult children pick the parent. In our case my wife demolished our whole family because of her obbsession with her Mother. This has deeply effected our adult chilren and the relationship they have with there Mother.

My Mother in law is in a home now. My wife lives alone in her Mothers home. I live alone. Our children only engage with their Mother when they absolutly have to. We have boys. They see this as adults and see their Mother completly abandoned their Father. This entire event has affected how they look at marriage, having children everything. The damage done when spouses do not put the needs of the marriage first are FAR reaching and last for generations.
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WITL2020 Oct 2020
This is really sad. In the end, your wife doesn't have her mom or a husband. When I first approached my husband about this, I felt that there was a possibility of him telling me he was leaving or I was leaving but I was okay with it. I have been "done" for months but I kept going just because I wanted to avoid upsetting him. I was hoping that he would soon see how tired, beat up and frustrated I felt and make the decision on his own. Days, weeks and months go by and he even tells me to "get over it, don't let her get to you, act like you don't hear it" at this point, I am willing to lose everything except my kids.
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Your husband is using you to assuage his own guilt about his mother. You are doing most of the work and receiving most of the abuse. He gets to feel not guilty. You are working all day taking care of her and then working the rest of the time at your job. When do you get a break?

What happens if you get sick? Can your husband handle her medical care? You need a backup caregiver for emergencies. Your husband needs to take FULL care and RESPONSIBILITY for a few days to see what it is really like. The best way is for you to take a few days away from the house so he can't try to get you to take over. I did that with my husband and he didn't even last more than a few hours before he roped in my mother to take over. I ended up coming back the same day.

Your MIL knows enough, and has enough control, to behave better when your husband is home and save most of the abuse for when you are alone with her. This has reached the point where you can't give her the best care and she needs more than you can provide.

There is no shame in letting her go to a facility that has experienced staff to take care of her. Her son can still participate in her care by supervising her care and visiting her. That is what SHE needs.
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It's time for your MIL to not be living with you anymore. I have seen many times what you're talking about when you say she can be nice as pie when you're alone with her but turns nasty when your husband is around. That's not jealousy or her dementia. It's self-preservation and she's aware of it. She won't treat you abusively when you're alone because she's dependent on you and doesn't know what your reaction to it will be if there's no one there to defend her. She'll do it in front of her son (your husband) because she knows it will be tolerated and you're her safe target because he's there to defend her and prevent a reaction from you. Having your MIL living with you is causing strife and discord between you and your husband and with your kids. It's not a healthy and you're asking for help and should have it. Yours sounds like a situation that is very high-risk for elder abuse. People who are not caregivers can't get their minds around how such a thing could ever happen, yet it does and often. Caregivers have a breaking point too. In many cases the main caregiver is so exhausted and worn down by the person that it easily can get physical. Like a slap across the face when they're being too fussy, or verbally abusive. Maybe a rough shove, or any number of different actions. It happens but can be prevented. It's prevented by placing the senior in a facility or bringing in a lot of outside help. There is nothing wrong with you and you're not imagining it or overreacting. You've reached your limit. The next time she gets violent call the police. They will take her to the hospital and from there you can refuse to let her back into your home. Social work will get involved and they will help to find her placement in a nursing home or AL facility. You show this to your husband and it's coming from someone who's worked in elderly homecare for over 20 years and is also currently caring for an elderly parent. This kind of behavior on the part of the elder is very common and you are not doing anything wrong. Joining a support group will not help your situation. Your MIL needs to be put in a nursing home or assisted living and your husband must be made to understand this.
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Did you know that the statistics regarding caregiving are that 35-40% of all caregivers die before the one theyre caring for?? You have given your all, now its time for husband and sister to get her in memory care before anything else happens (choking,etc). In no way should you be subjected to her violence or nastiness! If she ever becomes violent again, call 911 and have her taken in to ER. Tell EMTs she is violent and she can be Baker acted and have a psyche consult. It doesnt matter if she has a broken brain, you should never allow the violent actions to be pushed aside or swept under the rug. What will you or husband do if she attacks one of your children??? Sending prayers your way to get MIL placed quickly and you need to take some time for yourself to de-stress from all this. Please think of all the crap your children are being forced to witness....the mil needs to be out of your home. Please dont continue to expose them to her violent outbursts or bad language....this dysfunction could effect them negatively in their own life. Liz
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2020
Very well stated, Liz.
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A lot of people have commented on you and husband. What about your kids? There is no way they should be exposed to the violence and bad language they are living with. If they could bring friends home, would they? You are modeling something very dysfunctional for your children. If you go away for a week or so, PLEASE take them with you. What is the lesson they are learning when Grandma cusses you out and it is OK because no adult stops it? They are learning that it is OK to cuss mom out and Dad doesn't care. When Grandma gets violent and hits their Dad , what are they learning about Domestic Violence? It is OK. Next time she gets violent call 911 and let them Baker Act her.
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cherokeegrrl54 Oct 2020
Thank you, i just posted something along those same lines....
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I completely understand where both of you are coming from. We had MIL move in with us after she had a major heart attack. When she moved in she was on hospice care CHF complicated by afib. We realized that she also had the beginning stages of vascular dementia, that she couldn't hide anymore, it took hospice nurse 2 visits to concur. When she moved in we were also fed false promises of assistance from my husband's family members. If asked to come see her so we could go do something it was like reading the children's story of the little red hen. Unfortunately your MILs brain is broken and taking care of her is like caring for a toddler who is regressing in age and ability. Her violence, rudeness, disrespect for you and your family is not acceptable. Has she said or done anything to the children? She will. Taking care of her had put the most amount of stress on our marriage (40 years) and had brought us the closest to divorce than anytime in our relationship. You have reached your limit, she needs 24x7 care by a staff of professionals. 2 years into our journey with MIL she had a major stroke, was not able to communicate, right side of her body was paralyzed, only pureed food and water via a medicine syringe, diapers needed changing, sheets, washing up, new gown, washing her mouth with dental swabs, ect. I survived on 20 or 30 minute cat naps for over 2 weeks. I broached the idea of having her moved to hospice house because the situation was becoming more than I could medically handle. His sisters flew off the handle, he was really considering it because by this time he had to help with her physical care too. She passed before the move could be arranged. Did I love her? Yes. The one thing I would've changed was setting more boundries and demanding other members fulfill their responsibilities. A few questions that your husband needs to answer for himself.
DH,
1) Do you realize how much being a. fulltime caregiver sucks the life from you?
2) Do you care that your marriage can become irrevocably altered and damaged by the stress of being a caregiver?
3) She is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive now, it will not get better, it will only escalate as time passes. What are you going to do to alleviate this?
4) Are you willing to entertain the thought of the damage done to your children because they have to live in this situation and witness her behavior?
5) Can you see that your mom needs more help medically than can be provided in a home setting? Her choking is a part of the disease, their body forgets how to swallow correctly which leads to food aspiration into her lungs, then infection, pneumonia sets in, a viscous cycle of hospital, home, hospital, home, thickeners in her water so she can hydrate, pureed food because they forget how to chew, easier to swallow.
6) Guilt is not for one brave enough to do what is in mom's best interests for HER care, wellbeing, and safety. It is one of the hardest, most heartbreaking decisions made out of love and respect that you can do. Are you brave enough to make that decision? You can then go back to being her son and advocate, knowing that you made the best decision for her, not you, not your sister, but her.

If anything I have said insults you, I apologize in advance, it was never my intention. I just want you to really consider what your options are and damage that can be done if it is not addressed in a prompt manner. Many of us have walked this path and are trying to help you understand the toll it takes on your family and you.
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I Feel like you’re done plenty of helping. Dementia is a serious disease and does get worse with more time and I think it’s best to leave her in the care of care givers that specialize in dementia. It’s not fair to you that you have to give up your sanity and your relationship and to take in all that hostility.
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I mean this in the most supportive way, although I am being very blunt.

Alzheimers or other Dementias - guilt & love will NOT be enough.

Husband needs to face the reality of his Mom's needs.

Hopefully he will lose his denial before he loses his marriage.

Many have been down this road, down the slippery slope. There is a way out. A support group can help - may not be the way your husband thinks it will!

((((hugs))))
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Please read "Boundaries" with your husband by Townsend and Clark. They are Christian counsellors with a lot of experience with difficult relationships. They discuss identifying problem behaviors and crating plans to deal with the behaviors.

Your MIL has issues that will never change - and will most likely get worse. She has definitely lost her social filter and says whatever pops into her head. She may see your HB as her husband or a boyfriend since Alzheimer's type dementia patients lose their most recent memories and tend to march backward through time in relationships.

You should not have to give up being affectionate towards each other or walking on eggshells in your own home. It appears you need to consider several options to maintain your marriage while making sure MIL is cared for:

1 - "Your time".
Create time every day when it is just the 2 of you since MIL is hostile to your marriage. Decide on when is "your time together" daily and some added times together weekly/monthly. During "your time" MIL should be cared for by others: family, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help.

2 - "Work time"
During "work time" somebody else should care for MIL since she can not be left alone. Either work different shifts so you can take turns caring for MIL, hire somebody to care for MIL during times you both work, or arrange for adult day service program that can care for MIL in their facility.

3 - " Counsellor"
Consider going to a counsellor together while somebody else watches MIL to address issues that are making home life difficult. It helps to have a live professional to talk to and to devise new coping strategies.

4 - Full time Residential Facility or 24/7 paid help
I save this one for last since it is expensive. At some point MIL will become even more difficult to manage. Many Alzheimer's patients lose day/night boundaries. They will wander the halls/rooms and interrupt sleep of the rest of the family. You have already mentioned that MIL can not be left alone - ever - and her mental issues may make her a risk to wander off or do things that risk her health or safety. When this happens, she will need a very safe environment and fulltime care. The solution is either 24/7 round the clock caregivers - preferable paid help - or sending MIL to a facility that can provide this type of care - a memory care unit. Both of these solutions are the most expensive options but should be paid for through MIL's assets, never yours.
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DH, looks as if your kids are seeing you as the bad guy here; which isn't surprising....
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2020
That happens a lot.
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Dear "WITL2020,"

I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with what I'm about to say which is fine but, I will give your husband credit for 1) at least having conversations with you about the subject and 2) allowing you to share with him what the members on this forum are trying to point out to both of you because if he wasn't going to listen to you or anyone else, you'd have a much bigger problem on your hands so I would be thankful for that (as well as suggesting it in the first place).

You mentioned in your reply to my earlier post that you think it will help him even more than yourself to read unbiased comments - I think that is true in many cases throughout our lives. Those closest to us sometimes are the ones we brush off while we're more open to someone we don't know - either way, if he's willing to listen that's half the battle.

It is much easier for a man to say "just ignore x,y,z" - they seem to be able to do that while our emotional side is screaming "I can't."

You mentioned to someone else you think he wants to avoid feeling the "guilt" of placing her in a NH. It was very hard for me to put my mom in an ALF back in 2015 when she wanted to remain in the home we lived in since 1968. In her new facility in the memory care wing, she has actually said a couple of times that she is "comfortable" there. That's all I can ask for under the circumstances.

You two enjoy reading all the responses "together!" And we'd love to hear how it goes. Wishing you the best -
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WITL2020 Oct 2020
I love my husband and he is truly a wonderful man. His caring and compassionate personality is what made me fall in love with him. We have both learned to talk with each other about things and he is good about listening. Its nice to see different opinions, I did not expect all of these responses and support. I appreciate it.
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He's right in that it's a disease and you can't take what she says seriously. That said, only trained caregivers with no real personal connection to someone can do that successfully.

Here's what your husband needs to understand -- his mother will receive far better care by professionals than the most well-intentioned care by the two of you. You need to be part of a team with professional caregivers at a nursing home to do the hard work while you and your husband's family just love on her.

What you're doing now is noble, but truly, isn't what's best for her. The choking alone will get worse because that happens with Alzheimers-- are you prepared and able to handle feeding her an all liquid diet? How about handling a severe choking episode? These are the issues you and your husband need to plan for, because it's better to do the work in advance than in a crisis.

No, you don't need therapy. You're doing a job that a staff of many do at my mother's memory care facility, and you're trying to work, too. It's untenable, so I hope your husband realizes it before it destroys your marriage.

Remind him that his job is to see is mother is safe and cared for, but that doesn't mean he or you are required to do it. His job is to do what's best for everyone, and clearly your present situation is not best for everyone.
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NobodyGetsIt Oct 2020
Very well said "MJ1929!"
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This is another post to your husband (and of course OP can read it too). You need to act very very soon. If you don’t, your wife will certainly resent you long term for not responding to her needs, and it could spoil your marriage permanently. It will also ruin your children’s memories of growing up at home.

Your mother is long gone from normal. I thought perhaps she would be nice to you if your wife was out of the way, because she was jealous of your wife and her relationship with you. Now it seems that’s not true, and she can be violent with you. In the bad old days, if she had survived this long, she could well be considered ‘mad’, kept shackled in a madhouse. Now she can be cared for properly.

What are you waiting for? Reconsider your primary responsibilities right now, and do something about it.
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Ugh. I see this over and over and over. Husband's mom comes to live with them, but Wife is stuck with most of the work. I think husbands see caregiving sometimes as "woman's job". Like hey, you raised kids and changed their diapers and all that, so you're already used to it, right? Husband's life really doesn't change much since he goes to work as usual.

Then when the wife is at her wit's end? Husband complains that Wife is a selfish witch who should be happy to take care of his Mama.

He IS forcing you to take care of her. He's trying to mend fences with Mama for all the time they saw each other 1-2x a year. Making himself feel better with a "I took care of her when she needed it." Even though he's not doing a thing.

I hate to say you need to leave, because it's YOUR house and you shouldn't have to. But it looks like this is the only way he will understand you're serious about getting Mama into a NH. Let him handle Mama 24/7. Oh, he'll miss work? Too bad. He wants Mama to stay, so he'll have to quit. You say you'd leave for a bit if you had the ability to. How do you NOT have the ability? If you have a car and a little bit of money, even a hotel for a week would likely be enough to show him how bad it's gotten.

She sounds like she was probably a crappy mom to her kids and husband wants to "fix" the relationship so he'll have a better conscience when she dies. Too bad his conscience isn't a problem with you.
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LoopyLoo Oct 2020
(I should note that evidently one can’t say “damn” on here since it was removed from my above post. Surely no one’s sensibilities are that fragile?)

Darn it all to heck!
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W, you mention below that your hubby would feel "guilt" if he put her somewhere. Guilt is the word that makes me see red on the Forum. Is he a felon? Did he do malice aforethought and get great joy for causing pain to others? If so he gets to feel guilty. Otherwise he is feeling another G word, entirely. It is GRIEF. Not guilt.
Guys are "fix it" beings. If it can't be fixed they try to ignore it exists. And this cannot be fixed. This cannot be made pretty, nice, perfect. There isn't enough fine facilities and enough money in the world to make it perfect. This is going to be painful. To many. Not just to him. He needs to tell his Mom he will be there for her, but not in his own home. And you need to tell him you will be there for HIM, but not to the extent you sacrifice your own life. Many here are doing one on one care for an elder. Perhaps most. Or did it in the past. They will be the FIRST to tell you that.
My heart out to you both.
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Takincare Oct 2020
Very well said.
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Thank you everyone.

This has truly helped me realize that I should feel no guilt in making the decision to let my HB know that I am done.

I do not need therapy or counseling, I am not physically or mentally able to continue caring for my MIL at this point.

I had my HB read through the responses that were posted this morning and I will make sure to have him read through the rest, not to tell him that I was right or that I have the right to feel this way but to make him see the suggestions, advice coming from people who do not know me or him. This morning I felt like I was at fault for even telling him that I am done but reading all of your comments makes me feel like I did the right thing.
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I have to admit I have very little sympathy for your husband. You are crying for help and he is ignoring you because he knows what needs to happen and he is afraid. He wants you to fix this and if you'd just try harder everything will be ok. Have you noticed you are doing all the heavy lifting in this situation. Hubby gets a break by going to work.

He needs to see how bad it really is. Can you visit someone for at least two weeks and leave him to figure out all of this? Even if he hires out help it will not be a walk in the park. It is not right that most of this falls in your lap. And even worse, that you have kids at home who have to have their lives disrupted over this. Are you prepared to never go on a family vacation again or even see your kids participate in sports because you can't leave MIL home alone? It will not get better.
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I understand what you are going through. When my fathers mom could no longer care for herself due to Parkinson’s and dementia she came to live in our home. My mom had to take care of her. She would be so ugly to my mom while Mom did everything with love and caring. She never had liked that my dad had someone else picked out for him to marry but my dad fell in love with my mom. She always would verbally abuse my mom and she knew when to do it (when my dad wasn’t around) I told my dad what was happening and he brushed it under the rug. He finally one day over heard her talk to my mom and he told her not to be that way but nothing changed. Well my attitude changed and I would always be in the defense of my mom to my dad and his mother.
All of that to say...you need a break. Let him take some time to care for her. Let him see how hard it is on you. Let him change her when she craps her pants.
Also, Record what she says to you and play it back to your husband. He needs to be in you shoes.
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WITL; So, has anyone told the doc the meds aren't working? Who is mom's POA for Healthcare and/or finances?

Maybe, maybe, with better medication, you might be able to buy some time. But with someone with end stage Dementia, with behavioral issues, double incontinence and choking, you are really looking at someone who needs 24/7 monitoring. You can't work and do this at the same time. Frankly, no ONE person can do 24/7 even when they are NOT working.

To some folks "putting mom in a nursing home" means that you are abandoning her. As someone whose mom was in a NH for 4 1/2 years, my siblings and I are here to tell you that among the 3 of us and our siblings, it nearly wore us out. At least for me, 90 minutes a day, it wore down my marriage, decreased my earnings (needed to drop a weekend job); wear and tear on my car, not to mention the near daily phone calls to the facility trying to straighten stuff out.

My mother got MUCH better care in a NH than any of us could have given her in our homes; she had docs, nurses, med techs, dieticians, OTs, PTs, speech therapists, laundry ladies, hairdresser, dentist, audiologist, opthamologist, geriatric psychiatrist and dermatologist all looking after her.

It takes a village.
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Frances73 Nov 2020
One of the best things about institutional care is that the residents get some degree of socialization. Rather than being isolated with only a few family they get exposed to other residents and staff.
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It is clear that you are walking on eggshells with your MIL. Why? You are dealing with a nightmare! It’s time to wake up.

I joined this forum at the advice of a social worker. I joined a support group because I wanted eye to eye, in person interaction with others. I went to a therapist too. All were helpful!

Nothing changed! Absolutely nothing until I decided to take all of the good advice that I heard from others and implement it in my life.

You know that your situation is not working. That is why you were smart enough to reach out to others. Your husband knows that this is not working.

Your mother in law has a broken brain so I am not touching that issue. I am simply not qualified to address it. I did not care for a person with any type of dementia so I don’t have experience on the matter.

I will address your misery! I had my mom in my home for 15 years. I dealt with it. I feel your pain!

I will address your marriage. Even in the best of marriages, it is a strain to care for a loved one. I am married over 40 years to a wonderful man but a person can only deal with so much before becoming frustrated. My husband had a right to his feelings. You have a right to yours.

It’s time to discuss options for your mother in law. Actually, it is past time. No judgment from me. I was in your shoes. I absolutely regret dragging my feet. I was blind. Sometimes if we are too close to a situation we are blinded by it. We become immune to it. It’s sad but true.

Who am I most grateful to? The people who were realists and gave me direct advice. I was broken. Extended caregiving will break us. If I can help just one person to be spared from the heartache that I went through I will be happy.

None of us can save the world and I am not looking to do so. I know my limitations. I only hope others can learn from my mistakes. I allowed my caregiving days to continue for far too long. It doesn’t serve a good purpose for anyone.

All the best to you and your family. I will keep you in my thoughts. Take care.
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Reading that she has actually resorted to physical violence is a deal breaker.

I don't care that her brain is broken, she DOES NOT get to bring abuse into the home any longer.

Your children DO NOT deserve the stress of watching their grandmother abuse their parents. Whether you want to face it or not, this is adversly affecting them and can scar them for life.

Man up dear husband and put her in a facility that can deal with her disease. That you would have more compassion for her then your wife and children is very disturbing. They, not her, are your 1st responsibilities.

That your sister basically lied to get you to agree to moving her in means that her opinion doesn't count. Either mom goes to her house or a facility, staying with you is no longer an option.

Open your eyes, this is destroying your wife. All for a person that you don't really like? You do love your wife, right? Then act like it.

Sorry if I sound harsh but, letting her abuse your wife, your children and yourself is beyond unacceptable and you are actually condoning the abuse by not protecting them.

NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE, EVER!
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BarbBrooklyn Oct 2020
Amen, Sister!
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WITL, what kind of doc is managing MIL's dementia? Is she on any psych meds? Violence and paranoia can not be "tolerated". She may need an extended stay in a psych facility even before placement. Keeping her at home is a disservice.

Do her doctors know that she is violent? Or is that a big shameful secret to your DH? I can empathize, but he is damaging his kids and his marriage.

My brother was convinced that we shouldn't bring in Hospice until mom didnt know us any more. Thankfully, at the end, I stood up to him and told him that mom's NEEDS outweighed his nonprofessional perceptions.

This is your DH's first rodeo with dementia;he needs to hear from medical professional that there are better ways to manage mom's needs.
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WITL, again, I don't think this is about MIL OR her behavior. She has dementia. That is no fault of her own and no fault of your hubby's. Much of her behavior cannot be prevented, and in truth will worsen exponentially. The fact is that this is about whether or not you are ready, willing, able, have the skills and the time to do this care what amounts to 24/7. I would not be. It would be a deal breaker for me. And I am afraid my poor partner would have to see the last of me, and do the care on his own; I would be loving, gentle and sympathetic to the tragedy of his choices, but I could quite simply not do it. My best out to you all, and this is a tough decision. Not everything can have a perfect solution. Not everything can be fixed. Not everything can be addressed without pain and loss. I wish you the best and hope you will update us on your decision. Know that as far as "support groups go", every word you share on Forum is a help to everyone else.
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One more thing about support groups. Prior to COVID I facilitated 3 dementia support groups. Who attends? Women. I assume men think that these groups will be a lot of tears, sadness, and "whoa is me" stories. There may be. Dementia caregiving brings on a lot of stress and emotions. The fact is that I see more laughing that sadness in these meetings. People share their own caring experiences, their own advice and reflections which can be humorous to the others. If men don't accompany their wives to the meetings, they're more the problem than the solution.
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mally1 Oct 2020
Wow! 3 support groups? No wonder you know what the heck you're talking about....
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So many people thing that moving an in-law or a parent in with them is the answer to better care. It may be in the early stages but the secret to better care is knowing when to seek help and when to look at care facilities. As you are finding out dementia is a family disease. I believe it's harder on the caregivers than the LO. Some families are torn apart by the constantly increasing stress of the job. Don't let that happen to you. Apparently your DH can't empathize with you. Your MIL's behavior, and, yes, much of it can be attributed to the disease, will continue to spiral downward and take the family with it. There is no doubt that MIL needs a care facility. Hiring a home care agency is not the answer. Too late for that.

Your husband's suggestion of your attending a support group is good but not by yourself. Attending one and trying to explain to him what the experience was like won't do a bit of good. He needs to be there. Because of COVID there has been a pause in live support group meetings. There are however virtual meetings being conducted. Call the Alzheimer's Assn to find out more (800-272-3900). There are excellent books that can help you both understand dementia and its diseases. "The 36 Hour Day" and "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" are two. I'm not going to guess what your DH's state of mind is other than he's not empathic. It's nice that you're sharing these posts with him. Ask him to post his own questions or concerns on this forum. There are men on this forum who can relate their experience, advice and suggestions. I hope he has thick skin. Good luck.
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lkdrymom Oct 2020
This is true. In the early stages an elder may just need a little 'looking after' and moving in or near family will work. But then it gets worse. Little by little and you take on more and more until it consumes your entire life. There is a point where you can say "I can't do this anymore. This is more than I am qualified to do". You have reached that moment.
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The only problem here is that you ALLOWED this to happen. Did you not know your MIL and the care she needed? You may not have. Did you make clear the caveat that if it did not work out for BOTH of you, your MIL would have to enter care? If not, that makes this more complicated, in that your husband will now have to absorb that he will be doing this care ALONE if he insists MIL stays, because if she stays YOU will be going.
First of all, it isn't about how MIL treats you or whether or not she likes you. I am totally uninterested in that. So let us assume she is a sweetie who loves EVERYONE? The fact is that 24/7 care is, to my mind impossible. I don't know how people do it. It was never something I ever believed I could possibly do for a day. And I was a nurse who loved her job. For which I had great pay, did it only 8 hours a day, and 3-4 days a week with huge benefits and vacation days. I have always known my limitations. I cannot imagine doing this.
So basically, for ME, it would be, "Look, I am so sorry. I didn't really understand what this care would be. Whether or not you get me 8 hours of help a day, this is not something I can do. Whether or not YOU become the primary caregiver as in your give 60% of the care, this is not something I can do. I cannot share my home, my life, my husband with another person no matter WHO she is. I am sorry if this makes me a wanting human being, but I guarantee you that I won't be applying for Sainthood any time soon. Don't like the arrows or the gruesome death or the fact that mankind will then pray to me to fix things for eternity; bad job description."
So details are unimportant. You have concluded that you cannot do this. As in ER dumps where the Social Worker says "We can make this work; we will get you help", the truth is this will NOT work, and they could NEVER get you enough help to make it work. That is the lie, knowingly delivered, to get this argument over with for the day and get the elder back home under your roof.
Just admit your limitations. Tell him he has a sad choice to make, and you will expect to hear him shout at you "It's ALL YOUR FAULT" from now on, but cannot do this. Sorry. Can't. Sorry. Can't.
Don't argue the issue. Just make it clear. It is now MIL stays or goes. You stay or go. Tell him if you are forced out of your home you will still love him, you will still stop by with groceries once in a while, give him a break in his care giving, but that you will now reclaim your own life, with or without him.
Sorry. I know he is a good man, well meaning and loving. But this won't work for you. Remember, this isn't about MIL behavior; this isn't about how much hubby will help; this isn't about your job. This isn't about your SIL. This is about you will not continue to live there is MIL does. Give him time to then consider options.
I am 78. I am closer to MIL in age than to you. I would NOT want this for my daughter; she is well clear and aware that this must never happen, no matter WHAT happens to me.
The whole support group thing made me laugh. That place where you go to REPEAT your miserable day. Where people tell you "Oh, I am so sorry". Where people say "Your feelings are normal; so sorry". Where people say "Can you afford more help". Do you REALLY have time for that, as well. Ask him if he does after caring for his Mom for a week.
And there's an idea right there. Any friend you can move in with for a week so he gets a taste of life in the fast lane before he makes his decision. As I said, a good, loving, and I am certain handsome man. But, no. Sorry. No.
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WITL2020 Oct 2020
I personally did not know much about alzheimer's before my MIL moved in with us. I always heard it was just memory loss. I was around my MIL once maybe twice per year and I could see that her memory was getting worse each time. I knew that brining in my MIL in to our home would be challenged either way, even if she was healthy and didn't have alzheimer's but I was willing to help. I was told that we would have all kinds of support and help we would all "come together as as family" and help take care of her. I was told that if we needed to take a break or go on a trip we would have help with MIL. SIL and family were there for the first month, they would come over and spend time with her but after that it has been like pulling teeth to get them to help.

The whole support group thing has made me giggle after all of the support I have received because it's actually backfiring on the HB lol He thought I was going to come on here and get help on how to deal with MIL and have her stay longer. I am making sure he reads every one of these responses, after all, it was his idea =-)
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