My elderly LO (75) might need a large surgery and has asked my teenager to be the one to do round-the-clock post-surgical care. My teenager is starting college in a week, has very limited experience caring for others, and has trouble lifting more than a purse due to a rare disease my kids and I have. My daughter says she doesn't feel comfortable doing it. She is worried about missing signs of a serious health problem and not being able to handle her college courses especially since it's her first semester (Freshman.)
Our LO has a very challenging personality on a good day. Past surgeries have been hard to help with after. There is a lot of yelling and constant demands. We are a family with lots of post-surgical experience and know our limits. To add perspective, my oldest daughter had complex spinal surgery as a teen with steel rods implanted and major complications and her recovery was easier to deal with than our LO's emotional reaction to a much more minor surgery.
There are no other family members either able or willing to help. Sadly, she really had offended a lot of people lately, so the universal feedback is - what's wrong with rehab?
What's the best (and most loving) way to handle this situation?
Period.
The doctor will order rehab where the professional care will be what the patient needs.
That is the most loving thing you can do.
Geez. What a selfish narcissist. Please say NO and don't traumatize your kid.
This demanding person needs to be stood up to; forget the 'loving' part.
Shame this elderly LO is he'll bent on killing your daughter and you with their toxic personality and demands. Time to cut this person off from future caregiving.
In 1965, my grandma fell and broke her hip. She was 80, still working 3 days a week at Macy's Herald Square, living alone and quite demanding of her daughters ( but not, of course, her sons).
Her hip was surgically repaired. Rehab was a new idea back then--Medicare had just been passed.
My GMA excitedly called all her friends and said " I'm to be an invalid--my daughters will care for me." She was clearly looking forward to this.
My mother was a SAHM with 3 kids, including a 2 year old. The hospital suggested that GMA could go to this new-fangled thing called "rehab" and grandma snorted. "My family will care for me".
My mom got wind of all this and said "Mother, you are going to rehab. I cannot care for you if you can't walk. I cannot care for someone who is bedridden."
My GMA was incensed. "You'd send me to live amongst STRANGERS???" she bellowed. My mom said yes, if that's what it would take to get her on her feet again.
You can love someone and not accede to their unreasonable demands. You might say I learned to say "no" from my mom. It's a lesson I'm grateful for.
Sadly, I did care for my mom way too long.
My daughters said, “Mom, one day we will take care of you like you did for grandma.”
My response was, “Like hell you will! Thanks for offering, but I will never allow you to make the same mistakes that I made.”
They both said to me that they were sorry that I felt as if I had to take care of grandma so long and thanked me for not expecting them to do the same.
It really does change our family dynamics when daughters are expected to carry the heavy burden of caregiving responsibilities throughout their lives.
Sometimes, sons are expected to be there too, although not as often.
SERIOUSLY?????????? I couldn't even begin to tell him all the things that were wrong with this scenario, the biggest one being: the girls do not even KNOW their ggma. Not at all. Like, couldn't pick her out of a lineup. And she doesn't know them!
MIL is also VERY demanding and hard to deal with. Even tho the pay was going to pretty amazing, not ONE of 4 grand girls took the bait.
My SIL, who is a Dr said that this was a terrible idea--for so many reasons. He stated that if gma had a bad fall or even DIED on their watch, it would be scarring for them-what was DH even thinking?? It helped that SIL weighed in on this b/c my DH was so adamant that this would work really well. (He was desperate at this point).
Rehab exists for this reason. My MIL is like a lot of older entitled people. They want what they want and don't care about anyone else.
I'm beginning to wonder where and what these folks are thinking when they request this type of care. Let your loved one recover in a facility. There are all types of monetary help for people with limited funds.
Nix the idea of grandchildren being caregivers immediately!
Rehab is the best and only solution!
The answer is no. Your family member will have to accept that. If they don't then they will have a very hard recovery ahead of themselves.
You must speak very plainly to this family member and make sure they know in no uncertain terms that neither you nor your daughter can provide the care she needs.
If she refuses to understand and accept this and decides to get srubborn about it because she thinks you'll come through, she will have to learn a hard lesson like so many other seniors do.
I want you to imagine if you will - the worst possible emergency situation that the elderly loved one could experience post surgery. Possible internal bleeding or high fever from an infection (staph or MRSA) at the surgical site for example.
OR, conversely - let's just say your teenager WILLINGLY decides to do this and gets bullied by this CHALLENGING loved one who has been historically demanding and has high expectations. And pushes HERSELF beyond her own limits and INJURES herself.
HOW will your own child react in an emergency? What would her immediate response be to a crisis? And even the most level headed adult who is USED to dealing with crisis situations can panic under that kind of pressure - when they are facing the potential of a loved one bleeding to death or facing a life threatening infection - or they themselves are injured AND still responsible for someone else's care at the same time.
WHY would other adults around her even consider this an option?
It doesn't sound like YOU think this is a good idea. It doesn't sound like your daughter thinks this is a good idea - or at the very least she is significantly concerned about the potential of problems BEFORE it even occurs.
I would nip this in the bud. Rehab is the best option. Other family members secondary. But your daughter has other priorities to focus on.
My mom was so affected by her caregiving as a teenager that when I volunteered as a teenager at our local children’s hospital, she made me quit.
I did well with the teenage kids in the gym. I loved playing basketball with them. They were in wheelchairs and would shoot hoops daily.
I had a tougher time emotionally when I interacted with the younger kids.
I came home from Children’s Hospital crying one day, because I became attached to this one little girl who was going to die.
I was angry with my mom for not allowing me to continue volunteering on Saturdays. Later on, I realized that it was because of what she went through when she was younger, being a caregiver for her aunt.
Is this her grandmother? Your mother? Your mother-in-law?
Best to let the LO know ASAP so that she can get used to the idea of rehab after her surgery.
I would make sure that her doctor and discharge planners are aware that there will be no one to care for her at home. No matter what she tells them. It will be an unsafe discharge. That if she tells them otherwise, they need to confirm it. Also be aware, whoever picks her up can be held responsible for her care. And there is no help from the hospital once you walk thru those "out" doors.
The LO will just need to go to Rehab or ask her doctor for an order for "in home" care. Then LO hires an aide to be there when PT and OT aren't. In home will provide an aide for bathing. If LO is lucky, she may be able to get some hours there.
Really, is ur LO clueless about your childrens' conditions. My nephew has 4 rods in his back to correct scoliosis in his upper back and his lower back. He cannot lift more than 25 to 30 lbs. He has no flexibility in his back.
"My daughter says she doesn't feel comfortable doing it".
That's enough.
LO will need to make other arrangements.
Hope you did say no.