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I am in charge of my mother in-law (my husband and I have POA). All 3 siblings have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING or very very little to do with their mother. It's a crazy dysfunctional family and I have some concerns that one of them could accuse us of not updating them about finances and health. Quite honestly, I have absolutely had it with each and every one of them, am burned out, and I have zero desire to even try to update them. They never ask and seem not to care at all when I have informed them of health issues etc. Has anyone else failed or refused to do this had this come back and bite them ? P.S. I manage this from 3 hours away and the 3 of them live in the same town as her. It's beyond pathetic.

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Thank you all again for your input and thanks John, for your expert opinion. I did review my POA and there was no clause in there stating that I need to provide information to anyone (specifically family). As someone else had recommended, I decided to ask my mother in law directly if SHE wanted me to send out updates (to her other children) in any way, shape, or form and she stated very decidedly, "no"! Armed with that, I feel much better going forward and I am obviously keeping very good records of everything, just in case. I did obtain an elder law attorney's contact where I live, because next up is trying to figure out what to do with her credit card debt. Fun times! Thanks again everyone...
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Does the Power of Attorney document include a clause that explains who has the Right to Receive an Accounting? A well drafted POA will include a direction to the agent (attorney-in-fact) that says in plain English who has the right to get information, and how often.

This is another example of why everyone reading this should hire an attorney who knows and understands the client and their family members, when preparing to sign their POA. Form documents simply don’t provide the directions that are needed in many situations, such as difficult family dynamics.

In your case, you could consult an elder law attorney in your state who will review your mother-in-law’s POA, and explain the best practices for accounting for your mother-in-laws funds. If you keep good records, in a format that is easily understood, there is no reason you should be worrying about unreasonable requests from people who are not helping with care.
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And by the way, monthly updates are what I do. They can call and ask any time they want to. I try not to be defensive, it does not help anything.
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My updates were too long at one point. I have learned that much shorter updates are just fine, and nobody can say you were refusing to tell them things now and then. While it is not an absolute requirement, it is a sensible thing to do in a family where there is hostility. Just keep the updates brief essential and factual, as you say you have learned above. Setting up more warfare by cutting them off entirely because you have to do all the work and are the POA is not going to end in a win-win for you. The tendrils of discord linger long after the passing.
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If they(?) don't care why bother wasting your time & emotions. It upsets the caretaker(s) more than the disinterested parties.
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Yes, because if something were to happen, you're off the hook.
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Hi super - sorry I dropped out - computer problems. yes we have similarities. Thx for the kind words. Sig other is a great help. It is very draining - you just think you have things sorted for a while and something new crops up. I hope to feel better once she does go though then there will be all the arrangements and the will to be executed. I will give that job to a professional so my sis can't come after me. I fell like I have put in my time and then some. I pray for peace and an easy passing for her. God knows/sets the timing. I am glad you feel you belong here. It is invaluable to have contact with others who understand. Above all look after yourself. This job is very hard on us.

wis - Medicaid will pay for an NH if your mum does not have funds. It is not rare that sibs who have not been very involved are in denial and criticise the one who is caring. My sis argued against mother taking an antipsychotic though mother was getting more and more paranoid and suicidal. Sis never saw her like that and mother put on a good show when sis called. Mother is so much calmer since she has been on it. Sis also wanted to put mother at 101 in a cheaper ALF where there was no nurse on the floor - just a security guard.. The one she was in at the time was very well staffed and had a nurse on call 24/7. I refused to cooperate which made them both very angry at me but I knew it was not good for mother.
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East eagle...seems to me that cleaning out someone's house is NOT a decision of a POA. That is ridiculous! My MIL was also a hoarder and I (the in-law) was the one who cleaned out a good portion of it without help from her bio children. This was before I was POA. This is the part about this whole POA thing that irks me. Seems like in this family, that title means you do EVERYTHING. Which is so unfair and completely ridiculous. Welcome to dysfunction junction.
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Wow, wisteach, that sounds like an awful situation.....you have my heartfelt sympathy. NO, you aren't obligated to have siblings stay with you. And yes, "visiting hours" in your home are OK because it would be around your mom's sleep schedule and it is YOUR home. Sorry for the cap letters....siblings like that just irk me. As someone wrote in another thread, they are like seagulls....swoop in, spread sh*t, and leave.
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I'm POA for my mother who came from out of state to visit me? She was admitted to hospice care but the brain radiation treatments had made her
Immobile. She can't walk without a walker and cannot do any daily living tasks in her own. Siblings are out of state and not involved in her care before she came here. They criticize and question my judgement for hospice care and say she is depressed bc I out her in hospice care. I wasn't even the POA at the point. My mom did that and it's been very helpful. I emailed my sibs once and freaked out. I don't think they were ready to hear how bad she is as my mom wasn't really honest w us before
Coming here from her own home. She thinks she is visiting but we are not sure. So now my siblings are asking what else I have done for? Have the hospice doctors evaluated her? And so on, they don't realixe I have kept her alive bc she was falling 2-3 times a day on blood thinners. It was advised to get an MRI to see about brain bleed but I think the procendure would wipe her out. Am I obligated to tell my siblings this type of information? It is very dysfunctional. Also, am I obligated to let stay at my house when and if they come to visit? Is it reasonable to have "visiting hours"? Neither one of my
sibs were interested in talking about any of this during the 5 weeks before she came here and my brother flat out told me "I'm not going to collaborate with you we have no relationship, I'm going to do what I feel is best for mom" he went to visit her at her home for two days and did nothing for her, he wants her in a nursing home but there's no money for that. I asked him what his plan is and he didn't respond.
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Those who are not involved, don't get an update. You don't owe them anything.
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My Mother, who is 91 yrs old, gave POA to my younger brother, he is the only son and is 62 years old, and he lives less than 5 minutes from her house. I am the only daughter, age 64, and I live one hour away from her house. My brother does not like doing the few errands that he must do for our Mother, such as picking up her Meds at the pharmacy. My Mother still lives alone in her 3 family house, she does have one tenant who pays his rent late, and has the use of the backyard, driveway, and garage, which he has filled up with his junk and trash. My Mother calls me and complains to me about this situation, but I am never allowed to take any action about this tenant, or to make any decisions when it comes to making repairs to the house, etc. When my Dad passed away 6 years ago, the house was a huge mess. My Dad was a hoarder and had filled up the basement and attic with junk, but also his carpentry tools. On one Mother's Day, we all went to visit my Mother. I had some of my daughters with me, and one son-in-law. My Mother had complained to me about how she was fed up with my brother for not getting the basement and attic cleaned up. So, we cleaned out some old junk, but we asked my Mother first if we could take it away. She said that was good. Then the next day, she said she was furious at us, for going into the basement and attic. She said, If your brother finds out, he may get really mad. So, everything has to be approved by him, but after 6 years, he has done nothing to get the house cleaned up. It makes me sick. So, I refuse to go back and forth to my Mother's, just to do the errands that my brother should be doing. I use to go and spend a week at my Mother's, and went to all her Doctors appointments, while my brother did nothing. My Mother still calls me to complain about everything, I am on the phone with her for 3 to 4 hours at a time, almost every day. But, I am not allowed to make any decisions that would help her out. I got so depressed and upset, that I now refuse to be the servant.
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Haven't read all the replies, so I apologize if this has already been said. You are under no legal obligation to keep others informed regarding financial, medical, or any other type of information. However, to protect yourself, document document document everything. Keep records of monies spent, even what you yourself paid for & didn't get reimbursed (mileage adds up). And so you can see changes or patterns, a notebook for daily care/happenings is a good reference. Both will CYA when the time comes the non-involved siblings accuse you & hubby of all sorts of things. And they WILL do that.
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You're her POA, not her guardian, therefore your job is to act on HER behalf, when she is unable to do so, and respect HER wishes. I always took this to mean if it's info she would share or want to share, then you should share it, otherwise it's really none of their business. This is especially true for financial info while she's still living. You want to keep really good records of all her finances; in case you need them for Medicaid & for when the vultures decend after she passes away. But for while she's still living it's not their business how much money she has or what she spends, would she tell them how much her income is or what she spends on food or rent?
For medical stuff, I'd inform them of big things - like if she's admitted to the hospital, but that's because you are taking care of her, not because of POA status. But little stuff, they don't really need to know, and apparently they don't care.
POA is the rep for a person, not their kids.
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To all respondents: Super's question was "REQUIRE". The answer is absolutely not. However, I keep detailed receipt for every expense direct or indirect if it ever becomes a need in the future. I have 3 siblings each with their own level of Mom's activities. The fun stuff is shared through a Closed group just for family (invitation only). Real private stuff is shared with two siblings, the ones most involved. One who live within 3 hours away the other sibling lives on the west coast, (we are on the east); we visit every 2 years, The other sibling cares not to have contact after several attempts, even one involving me driving right passed his place. I appropriately inform each one on their level of activity with Ma. It seems to be working for me.
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Gosh golden23...we have quite a few similarities going on! Managing from afar, sister (in-law in my case) just like mom=bad combo, mental illness+narcissism, feeling drained and crappy from caregiving duties, etc etc. One difference is the 30 years you've got on me and your mom has on my MIL! I REALLY admire you managing this at age 78 and you absolutely should be enjoying these years of retirement. I am so happy to hear that you have a partner who is helping you through this and I hope that things improve as far as your own health. It is truly so very draining and I hope that when the end does come for your mom that you feel somewhat renewed physically and mentally. Sounds like you have really done your time. I often tell my friends that I don't know what to pray for anymore in terms of the outcome of my MIL's life and I am sure you can relate to that. Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I feel like I have found "my people" and it's amazing how much better I feel just having this outlet.
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It isn't easy. Taking care of mother and her business takes up a significant % of my available energy. Thanks for your understanding. I care give at a distance which helps in many ways but not in others. Mother has lifelong borderline personality disorder and narcissism and then developed vascular dementia a few years ago. It was crazy for a while - more so than usual - until she was diagnosed and agreed to taking meds. In the past 6 years I and sig other have moved her 4 times, I have some health issues - CFS/FM and a gut infection which flares up with stress. I have had serious bouts of it 4 times - no coincidence. Fortunately sig other is younger and very active and he has been extraordinarily helpful with the moves The first time she moved to an ALF she gave me most of her stuff - which I didn't need - and then 6 months later she moved again to a larger place (ALF) and bought a new apartment full of furniture. which I had to move again a couple of years later. Most of it is still in storage and will be disposed of soon as mother is declining and in a small room and needs little. I have gone to her city every few months - health permitting - to visit her and to meetings regarding her care and always combine them with visiting people, going to theatre etc. It is costly. Yes it is a marathon. My one sis is similar to mother in temperament - 2 of them together is a nightmare. I have always been the one mother wanted to do things for her and then she could blame me if she didn't like what I did which was often, At least now she cannot use the phone or write and the meds have calmed her down considerably. I worked till I was 73 and this is not the retirement I planned! We are a very long lived family and this is one down side of that. I am care giving at an age that may people are being cared for.
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Thank you AngieJoy...a thankless job it frequently is!

I agree with Angie...How do you keep going? You are truly not running a race, more of a marathon! As much as caregiving can drain you, I hope it also keeps you very active which it has to?? Hopefully a positive side-effect? My mother in-law is exactly your age!

As I am fairly new to this board, I would absolutely welcome any people (avoiding caregiver duties) who might be seeing this thread to chime in and give us the reasons you are not involved. It's quite possible there are several threads in here which address this, but I would love to gain some insight as to why this phenomenon seems to be so prevalent in families? Don't be afraid, I will be kind...just trying to become more educated on this subject and perhaps apply some new knowledge :). I'm going to go out on a limb and say the responses could be crickets! haha!
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golden23, Oh my goodness! I'm only 63, and Dad is 94. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you, at age 78, to care for a parent who is 103. How in the world do you keep going?
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superfrustrated, Thanks so much! And your mother-in-law is EXTREMELY lucky to have your devoted care. Don't you sometimes feel as though the old expression "doing the impossible for the ungrateful" applies to caregiving?
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I have found that updates either produce basically no response or give my sis ammunition for hostility - hence I cut contact with her. I agree if your mil goes into NH at a different address that it would be appropriate to inform family. I have decided that shorter emails and less information is wiser e.g. "The vascular dementia is progressing. Mother is now in late stage but content and well cared for." They really don't need to know details and if they are interested they can ask.

Angie - I am sorry you do not get family support. Mother has not shown much appreciation for my efforts over the years either. Right now I am just gkad to not have hostility and character assassination. I am 78 and my mother is 103 and I will be glad for both of us when this is over. She has been ready to go for some time.
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AngieJoy...I feel the same. My MIL "thanks" me but for years before this whole mess she was rotten to me (she has longstanding bipolar disorder). Since you likely WON'T hear it from siblings, here it is from a stranger...THANK YOU for all you do! Your dad is so very lucky to have you. I just conclude that the reason they avoid, are critical, and in your case hostile, is simply because they are GUILTY. Hang in there..you are not alone. I would give it up in a heartbeat too. Would love to have my life back to normal!
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superfrustrated, I understand how you feel, and I share many of the same feelings. My husband and I have been looking after my dad for more than two and a half years now (first in our home and now in independent living), and I don't think that our efforts are appreciated very much by anyone, including Dad. My siblings have no real clue how difficult this has been, and one of them (my sister) is actively hostile to me. I'm the oldest of the siblings, and these are supposed to be my retirement years. If there were some way to give up the caregiving duties without causing serious harm to my dad, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
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That's pretty funny "unfriendly people"! I do recall the attorney telling me that we should update family regarding her, but I do need to look into whether or not it's a requirement. One of the siblings is a former (possible active) drug addict who we avoid like the plague because he's quite the loose cannon. My MIL doesn't want him coming near her, so I feel less inclined to contact him at all and respect her wishes (which would be like stirring up a bees nest because he wants to get his paws on her money). I think I would have a very difficult time coming up with what I would even say to update them because it's been MONTHS of so many things that have happened and I don't even feel they deserve any updates at all! If she is going to be forced to a nursing home (currently in assisted living) I have toured facilities where we live and I suppose that would be the time to inform them that we are moving her to our town. The "godfather" brother actually encouraged us to do that a couple of months ago. We are dealing with some REAL winners here! Yes....unpleasant truth is correct!
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Our provincial (I am in Canada) regs actually say that one of the duties is communication with friendly family and friends I found that interesting, There is no obligation to communicate with unfriendly people - even family. They must have encountered family situations like ours. You have done no wrong but I do know how it can get to you. Not a pity party - you are just facing the unpleasant truth about some people who are close. Definitely hard to find this out about your son's godfather.
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Thank you golden23! I'm not sure which is more difficult, managing her care or managing my feelings toward their lack of concern. One of these siblings is my son's Godfather and I think, "wow...if he can treat his mother this way, what would he do if something profound were to happen to my husband and me?" Needless to say, our son would go to my sister ;). We have been so close to this brother and his wife over the years and the disappointment we feel adds a whole other layer to the caregiving that I could never have anticipated. When you said the masks fall pretty quickly, nothing could be further from the truth. I tried early on to get everyone on the same page and work together but it didn't happen. Now the complete lack of any communication and near avoidance of my husband and I just feels so strange, like in some way WE are the bad guys. I've never had a confrontation with any of them except for the sister who was stealing. She went completely nuts when she found out we added ourselves to the POA and I think she was extremely paranoid that we would go after her for the money she stole. I calmly told her we needed to protect the finances and that we couldn't keep shelling out our own money when there was plenty available, if it was managed correctly. She's been in radio silence ever since, even though I have attempted to reach out to her, simply for her mother's sake as she missed her, etc. YES...this sounds like one giant pity party I am having here, but you know, some days it all just really gets to me! I can hardly stand myself right now! Thanks all, for being an anonymous listening ear. Strange...but it does help!
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I have sent out updates re health and general circumstances and had no replies or follow up inquiries so I don't any more other than change of address or significant change of health/function - as recently when mother has gone from using a walker to needing a wheel chair and sleeping most of the day. I will send out an update after an eval. has been completed.

Mother appointed me POA as she knows my sis is interested in money. I have sent out no information regarding finances. There is nothing in the POA document or the provincial regs that require me to do that and I feel that mother's privacy should be respected. Normally she would not share this info with my sis. If you are unsure of your position, read the POA document and your state description of the duties of a POA. I have had the same fear about my sis but came to terms with it as she has not reached out at all, and legally, if she wants to attack me as POA, she has to go to court with evidence that I am not doing a good job and she will have a hard time finding any. Personal attacks are another thing and I have has plenty of those in my lifetime and have chosen to cut contact with her. I send the updates to my niece who passes the info on to her mother.

I agree with your husband and Kathy. They are very fortunate that you are doing the job at all. If they were more involved they would have an idea what is going on. I am sorry that you are disillusioned with them, but not surprised. When caregiving comes in to the picture, masks fall pretty quickly. (((((hugs))))
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Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond! My husband has been telling me the same thing Kathy was saying, but I just get paranoid that they will claim we were withholding information. She has been in and out of the hospital SO many times this year and early on during my time as her POA, I was soliciting very specific help and it quickly became clear that none of them wanted anything to do with her and I've been forced to hire outside help to step in since I live far away. The whole reason we even have the POA is because one of the siblings who had it before us was stealing LOTS of money from her account and we were bailing her out. Even as my mother in law has been declining and I reach out to tell them she's in the hospital etc, the typical text response has been simply, "thanks". No follow-up whatsoever. This whole job as the IN-LAW who is the full time caregiver has been quite an eye-opening experience. It makes me so sad that these siblings are not the people I once thought they were :-(. It only makes such a terrible situation so much more difficult when there is lack of support and I can't help but feel directly hurt by their actions. I realize they had a pretty bad mom, but we have always been good to them. Thanks again, and prays to all of you out there experiencing much of the same.
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Kathy's advice is spot on. The legal arrangement was created by your MIL, for her, to obtain specific financial/legal care by you. The siblings are not party to that legal arrangement.

What you can do is turn the situation around to put the on the offensive. Eg., make it clear that you're not allowed to share personal, private and privileged information. However, if they want to BECOME INVOLVED with her care, they can help take her to doctor visits, emergency visits as well as do grocery shopping, house upkeep, respite care, etc.

Every time they complain, ask when they expect to become involved with hands-on service. It's not a quid pro quo response, but it does shift the onus of response to them.
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If they want to know how there mother is, let them visit. I refused to answer any calls of my siblings who wanted to feel good about themselves by a 5 minute phone call to me, not my Dad, about his health. You owe no updates as POA. Energy is at a premium when care giving is intensive hands on. Save yours. I would ask for help from every sibling. Ask for something specific such as respite care at a specific time every week, or take Mom to Dr's appt. If they want the information let them take some of the burden off you. Document their lack of help. If they ever want to come later and criticize, you are covered.
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