My brother is POA and his girlfriend is caregiver to my mother, she has dementia. They won't let me see my mother. What can I do?

Don't give in. They have no right, period. You get her to come to you if necessary but she is a adult in the eyes of the law not a child who needs to be told who and who not she can see. I have seen this before , usually restricted access is because they have something to hide.

Do you have a copy of the will, also if they are going down that road then perhaps they are planning on something. What ever it is I wish you luck and hope that you have people around to support you during this difficult time.

the same thing is going on in our family my brother does not want us to visit mom he is the power of attorney for my mother my brother is trying to keep the whole family away from my mother his name is Carlos he works for a construction company in Pomona ca. and is being influence by his coworkers.

the same thing is going on in our family my brother does not want us to visit mom he is the power of attorney for my mother my brother is trying to keep the whole family away from my mother his name is Carlos he works for a construction company and is being influence by his coworkers.

the same thing is going on in our family my brother does not want us to visit mom he is the power of attorney for my mother my brother is trying to keep the whole family away from my mother his name is Carlos he works for a construction company and is being influence by his coworkers.

Also my sister has poa

My mother is in her 6 stage of alzeimers my sister I found out after hiring an attorney who ended up being friends with the attorney my sister hired for mom
Has allowed my sister to take over payments on my moms house which I wanted to do but I was kept in the dark I was very close to my mom and dad . My dad passed away and my siter has taken over everything she even took her out of state behind my back and I was devastated now she has a restraint order against me but the judge modified it so I am supposed to be able to see her but my sister is not allowing me to see her but if I go to her house I will be put into jail. I have heartbreaking calls from my mom to come get her and my sister and brother in law are in the background telling her I do not want to see her..they have not been handling her affairs properly and they are so afraid I am going to take it away or make them account for they way they are spending her money as neither of them work.mi just want to see my mom can anyone help me
Thanks Shelly

I have a similar type problem, slightly different, I have been offered to go around my brother’s house but he has an aggressive streak, I am ill myself with cancer so I cannot afford to end up in fights with him, social services have said I could take my mum out early from the day care centre but my brother has stopped this too, he has this hate campaign that he seems to persist on administering, as far as he is concerned he does not want to know, I have managed to see mum twice in four months for an hour at the day care centre.
I have tried getting him to come out to a neutral place to sort things out but again he is not interested, I looked after my mum for a long time before this so it is really hard not seeing her on a regular basis so I do understand, I am seeking legal advice but at this point in time every day is important to my mum and on reflection important to me but the legal system seems to take forever.

I have a similar situation yet iam the full time carer for m mother with dementia.
I have given up my work to care for her as mo body else im the family was prepare to and infact were happy to it her in a home sothe could visit when it suited them.
She is in her late fifties and very fit, loves to go out etc
My sisters detest me because iam her guardian and they have cut me off besides from ending me abussive emails/ texts.
Mum and I share a renal property which I have set up on my own with no help from family.
I have also set up all social activities , ,Emory clinic helped for mum.
She is actuall dong very well, due to he effort I have out in.
She is happy but does have dementia.
The problem is missteps feel that they can come and go as they please tour house without checking if we already are doing something .
They come verb and are abussive/ rude to me or otherwise come and speak to mum but not to me and treat my home as their own.
I am not happy about them being in my/ our home anymore because of the abussive way hey treat me .
I am not trying to stop hem from seeing mum they an take her out or take her to stay wit them at heir house ( but the dint wants do that)
I just feel like a door mat.
And NO they never ask if they can help me or offer me a day off.
I d t even get a birthday card or Xmas card!
Am I wrong to not let them I to my home and ask them to take mum out instead?

I didnt understand "from afar" if you have been going every day. Confused in CA. Nothing would stop me from seeing my mother either.

I would go to an attorney and ask. Otherwise I would probably be thrown in jail for breaking and entering because no one is gonna keep me from my mama!

BEEN THROUGH IT ALL....on all sides.
QUESTION: Are you willing to take in your mother and take care of her until sHe expires? Are you willing to give up part of your life for this purpose? Will your mother stay with you--does she like you--even if she loves you; do you two get along; does she like the way you do things?

If you end up taking your mother and then putting her in a nursing home that would be the worse thing on earth (to her) and the others have a right to sue you for damages, and I personally hope they do.

THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO ARE VERY CONTROLLLING AND THEY WILL TAKE OVER LIKE THIS. MY BROTHER TOOK MY MOTHER OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND REFUSE TO RESPOND TO OUR INQUIRIES. I FOLLOWED THE LAW. I LEFT HIM ONE MESSAGE AND TOLD HIM THAT HE SHOULD LET US KNOW HOW OUR MOTHER IS DOING OR LET US TALK TO HER. HE IGNORED THE CALL. THE NEXT THING HE KNEW THE COUNTY WAS IN HIS HOUSE GOING THROUGH ALL OF HIS THINGS AND EXAMINING MY MOTHER FOR ANY SIGNS OF ABUSE. IN THE END, WHEN MY MOTHER GOT HER STENGTH BACK SHE HAD PROBLEMS WITH MY BROTHER WHO HAD TAKEN HER OUT OF THE HOSPITAL WITHOUT NOTICE TO ANYONE INCLUDING US. HE WAS YELLING AT HER AND SO ON....(AGAIN, I CALLED HIS ANSWERING MACHINE AND TOLD HIM: "DO NOT YELL AT OUR MOTHER...IF YOU DO..." AND SAID WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. HE YELLED AT OUR MOTHER AND THE POLICE RESPONDED LIKE IT WAS MURDER. MY MOTHER HAD A PROBLEM WITH HIM BUT SHE DEFENDED HER SON TO HER END. I WENT AND GOT HER WHEN THE POLICE TOOK HER OUT AND AWAY FROM THE IN-HER-FACE-YELLING SON WHO REGULARLY BEAT HIS WIFE AND KIDS. *OUR MOTHER PASSED AND HE TOOK CONTROL OVER EVERYTHING...I MEAN EVERYTHING. (MAYBE IT WAS REVENGE) BUT IT WAS YEARS LATER THAT ONE OF MY SISTERS TOLD ME THAT MY BROTHER HAD SOLD PROPERTY WITH MY NAME ON IT AND PROPERTY WITH ANOTHER SISTER'S NAME ON IT. MY MOTHER LEFT SOME CASH FOR EACH ONE OF US FIVE, BUT HER SPECIAL PROPERTY SHE BOUGHT IN HER YOUTH, SHE HAD LEFT IT TO PEOPLE THAT SHE PROBABLY THOUGHT WOULD KEEP IT AND NOT SELL IT LIKE IT WAS NOTHING, LIKE HER AND HER PROPERTY WAS NOTHING. I GUESS THAT WAS MY BROTHER'S REVENGE. (I DON'T KNOW). ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS THAT I WAS ASKED BY ONE OF MY SISTERS TO LET IT PASS BECAUSE SHE KNEW I COULD ACT ON IT AND BE SUCCESSFUL BECAUSE I TRY TO STAY IN LINE WITH THE LAW.
I'M GLAD SHE DID. I DON'T WANT TO TEACH MY CHILDREN CERTAIN THINGS AND I DON'T WANT MY BLOOD PRESSURE UP AND STRESS ON MY BODY. NONE OF US IN MY BROTHER'S FAMILY EVER SENT HIM TO JAIL FOR BREAKING THE LAW; NOW HE IS OVER SEVENTY AND ON A CANE; HIS CHILDREN ADORE HIM AND HE IS STILL NASTY AND CONTROLLING. I THINK THEY THINK THEIR LOVE WILL WIN THE DAY AND HE WILL COME TO 'GRACE". I WOULDN'T BET ON IT. THE PROPERTY WAS NOT A "LIFE SAVING" VALUE; IT WAS AN EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL VALUE. SO, THEN COMES OUR FATHER. MY OTHER BROTHER IS A LAWYER. SAME THING; HE TOOK CONTROL; HE TOLD US HE WOULD HANDLE THE ESTATE, DON'T WORRY, JUST GIVE HIM A POWER OF ATTORNEY. (OUR PARENTS WERE DIVORCED 40 YEARS). HE SAID HE WOULD PAY THE TAXES AND GET HIS MONEY BACK WHEN WE SOLD THE PROPERTY. HE LET THE TAXES GO...(QUIETLY) AND THEN BOUGHT THE PROPERTY "IN HIS NAME ONLY" AT A CITY "TAX SALE". WE HAD MONTHS TO TURN THAT AROUND BUT WE ALL LET IT GO. HIS REPUTATION AND CAREER WOULD HAVE BEEN MARRED. WE ARE ALL SENIOR CITIZENS. WE ARE DONE FIGHTING EXCEPT FOR HEALTH ISSUES.
I HOPE THIS HELPS BECAUSE THE OTHER STORIES HELP ME. I KNOW NOW WE ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES.--MO

Been just going ahead and going to Mom's house...risking trouble, but he has no grounds to keep me away and Mother wants me there, so he really would have upset her to keep this awful behavior up.

I talk to her every day, which is easy enough....and we share many laughs, if only from afar, mostly.

I am fine, angry, trying not to act on it....but fine.

@Majesta Concerned about u and seeing and being with your mom...please update us..

I am experiencing the same situation, I was taking care of my mother and my brother was always asking for money. both sister and brother live in a different state. My mother went for a vacation to colorado ( round trip ticket) they immediately took out her pension and social security and all bank accounts they could find, shut off her cell phone and told her I threw her out. They do not let me talk to her unless I give them 50,000.00 which they think I have( not true) my heart is broken, not only for me but my mother as well. I have not spoken to her in 5 months, she sent a card saying she will not speak to me and then said love you take care, so I know they have brain washed her. Money causes such evil. They are trying to sue me for elder abuse, but my lawyer says there are no grounds. Please pray for my mother Ray. Thank you

I am working on trying to be less emotional about this, before I talk to anyone. It is all just so hurtful and I never did anything to my brother, except no agree with him. We have never really argued, have almost no contact, well until yesterday when he threatened to have the law come and kick me out. For what? I was sitting on the couch quietly talking to my mother...in her OWN house, which SHE BUILT, but on his property, about 30 feet from his house. He just kept saying, "You are on private property." I left, finally. It was heartbreaking and infuriating, which is why I just need to cool off...and talk to a lawyer soon, but this has me tied up in knots....it is so not right.

heaven help us and you. what is your brother telling your mom about you? Please make the phone calls to as many people as you can. APS requires no money. I understand the out lawyering you but someone must be able to fix this...i suggested family court....have you called them?

Please don't do that. Did you call adult protective services? They are free. Make phone calls. If your brother has money maybe the lawyer will see some way to get some of that for himself (incentive to accept the case). That is you could sue for damages. I am sure you do not understand why your brother is doing this.....i will never understand why my sister won't talk

I learned through a third party the other day that mother is being treated as a hospice patient, so I went ahead and went over to see her yesterday...and my brother threatened to call the sheriff and have me removed from his property.

I am doing nothing to deserve this...it is just his last gasp at having some control over his big sister who he does not like.

I don't know how to process any of this, it is emotionally draining and exasperating and so just plain mean. I could likely get some kind of legal protection, but that would just upset Mother, I fear.

I guess I will simply step away and let my Mother go...my brother could easily out-lawyer me, as I have no money and he has alot...and time is ticking away and I guess I will take it one day at a time, but for today, I am just trying to quit thinking about it all the time so I can get my work done and not go crazy with how wrong this all is.

Get a lawyer to flight for your r fights as his daughter. This is your mom not hers. It appears your brother is not going to help you. Focus on your mom and seeing her. Do not focus on what they are doing to you. You mom need you to be an advocate for her now. They have no right to keep you away from your mom.

My experience is quite the opposite; i have done alot to try to get my sister to help me get mom back home to So Ca (five years ago ) but sister would not cooperate. I kept my sister abreast of mom's 2 surgeries and move to a nursing home; sister didnt even ask for moms NH address but i offered it to her when I realized she never asked for it; my sister has written to me and told me to never contact her again....what am i suppose to do?
These people cannot keep you away from your loved one. Although they probably have a right to say who comes on their property, they cannot withhold visits. I doubt that they would be granted a restrainng order. You might have to go to family court for visitation? omg. once again, isolation is elder abuse....please call and speak to adult protective services.

isolation is a form of elder abuse and your brother/girlfriend are isolating your mother from her child, you!!!!! This is a legal matter. you wrote some time ago, I would like to know how things turned out. I am praying for you.

isolation is a form of elder abuse and your brother/girlfriend are isolating your mother from her child, you!!!!! This is a legal matter. you wrote some time ago, I would like to know how things turned out. I am praying for you.

I have a similar problem. My mother lives in a house she built on my brother's land, very close to his house. I was told AGAIN a few weeks ago that I am "not welcome" on their property. I have no relationship with my brother or his wife and have not for some years now, so there is no ongoing fight on anything, just this long-standing animosity.

My Mother is 88, if often in ill health and when she is hospitalized, which she often is, I do not even know about it until she is well enough to call me herself.

This is a ridiculous situation and I do not know what to do about it. Can my brother keep me from "trespassing" on this property without some kind of reason other than that he doesn't like me?

We have had no altercations, there has been no fighting, no violence, just this statement that they do not want me around. For awhile, I just went and visited anyway, but my sister-in-law has recently re-stated her feelings about this one day when I was at my mom's house. She came over and yelled at me. I left. My mother is too afraid of (and too dependent upon them) to stand up to either of them.

This is killing my soul. And one day, my mother will die, and I guess I will read about it in the paper.

Please let us hear from you who helped you and what did they do, if anything, to help. This is just an awful situation and you must act fast. You want to see and be with your mom!

get some legal advice...PRONTO

As someone stated, are they even people? Unless there is a restraining order I don't think they can legally keep you away. However, if it is your brothers house I guess he has the right to keep anyone he wants away.
I would call the non emergency police number and see if there is anything you can do today/tomorrow. Maybe they would be wlling to be a stand by so they can witness you being denied access and then you could fill out a police report

while doing that i would get on the phone and start asking elder law attorneys if they can legally keep you away from your mother; jot down all the answers

while you are waiting for call backs from the attorneys i would calll the alz 800 number toll free and they have social workers that might be able to direct you

this completely sucks and I feel for you; this is....I don't even know the word! What have they said to keep you away?

My sister hasn't seen my mom in 5 years; my sister is twisted and falls in the is she people category. she is so twisted that she is probably telling everyone i won't let her see my mother...

I should probably make it clear to sister all the times i have suggested come and see mom, invite mom to see you etc. any ideas on such a letter?

My heart goes out to you. Please please let us know the outcome. personally, i am worried about you and for you.

I have a wonderful husband of 30 years and i have a son also, but I prefer my daughter making healthcare decisions for me. She isn't a nurse and I prefer it that way. I have nurses in my family, including my mother and mother in law, and they have a tendency to think they know as much as doctors. They bullied the medical staff trying to help my dad while he was in the hospital. They pointed out every bad thing they thought the hospital was doing and it was all a crock and nothing but a distraction to the doctors. When my brother decided to leave my father in a nursing home he told me that if I would take the emotion out of the situation that I would see it was the best thing. I'm glad mom and I made the emotional decision of taking my dad home. Even through the dementia my dad told us how grateful he was to be out of that place and that it just goes to show that the lord answers prayer. Most people do choose their sons to manage their elder years....for me executor is o.k....but healthcare surrogate? Nope. And I have a stellar son. His only fault is he's male and men are masters of controlling their emotions. That's the only point I was trying to make.

My brothers are also emotionall detached. Thier answer is , Put her in a home. They do noteven understand Dimentia nor have they tried to. They want to sell her home and be done with it. Just BS in my eyes.

You need to get legal help. Or talk to your brother and help he realize that this is also your Mom and you have rights to see her. I do not know the reasoning for his decision to not allow you to see her but, this is no time for him or your sister in law to play god. So get up and do what you need tot do to make it happen.

I am the Mother of 3 sons... who happen to be wonderful caring people. My middle son is a nurse and helped me take care of my Father when he was dying... NOT all men are the same. My sister has never taken care of anyone and would not! just my thoughts...

Why do mothers always put men in charge of their healthcare? Even if it is their son. Men have a tendency to make unemotional decisions and this isn't always a good thing. I would talk to your brother. He is the one who has to negotiate his girlfriend's relationship with you. I would pick at him about seeing mom as much as I needed to. They have no right to keep her from you. Screwballs....geez what's wrong with people? Or should I call them poople?