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Hello,
My husband has been tending to the needs of my very borderline soon to be 89 year old mother in law. She continues to be combative so his visits are short and sweet. We have no idea whether or not she has dementia as she has always been manipulative. Her mission seems to be to move in with us which I am not having. She has done way too many things to me, my husband and now grown children for this to be a possibility. She has alienated people throughout her life including relatives for many reasons but mostly has no filter and doesnt seem to understand or care about why people have nothing to do with her. It appears to me that she believes something is wrong with the world and that she is perfect. Lately when my husband visits she cries hysterically for a minute or two but composes herself quickly. She attended a day program for seniors until covid and has some contact with very few people, all because of her own doing. She never seeks medical treatment unless absolutely necessary so there is no regular doctor to speak of. She came to the US from a third world country and has different beliefs about medical care but has expressed these beliefs as "doctors butcher you". I believe she may be eligible for some kind of services, maybe case management or home health aides, but have no idea of how to get that. A few years ago she heard someone day that if you are legally blind you can get money from the government so she tried to convince others that she is legally blind. Her vision is bad, for reading, but she manages to go out daily to local stores. I have a friend who works for a county aging agency who has told me that basically something needs to happen with my mother in law to get services. Any suggestions? I lost my own mom relatively young and have not had to deal with any aging issues.
Thanks.

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For her SAFETY, WELL-BEING, and ONGOING CARE, please do not consider taking her into your home for any reason.

You are now developing a small trail of information from independent, objective sources. Continue to do this. Document her “unusual” previous behaviors as a possibly important tool to acquiring future care for her, but for yourselves, attempt to place her annoying behavior into the past along with any of the pain she caused you.

Whatever she was before, she is now an unpleasant unloving person most likely suffering from at least some dementia, and both her history and her chronological age point to the fact that she will not respond favorably to help.

The best course for you and your husband is to seek out some kind of advocate to help you through the process. She may need medical management for some of her more difficult behaviors, and she may respond better to some authority coming from an outside person not related to her as family.

It can be some help, perhaps, if you actually can stop thinking of her as family and start thinking of her as a suffering but obnoxious victim.

You and your husband may then be in a better place to make the best, safest, most loving choices for her, THEN BACK AWAY. It sounds as though your husband has started to do this. Work together, and take good care of EACH OTHER. You both deserve that.
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Had to give an update. We found a nice day center which was operating under covid guidelines. Everything about it was great. She even agreed to see doctors because the center required flu vaccine and tb testing. The county was even willing to pay for it. Well she lasted half a day. Those people are old, she said and she is now 89. Nitpicked almost all of their activities. A county caseworker had to interview her for this place and now the county has it on record that she has dementia. She will meet with a primary care provider later this month. Not sure if she is eligible for anything with the dementia diagnosis.
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Read your response to me. I guess you are just going to need to wait until something happens. Like I said, you could explain that without assigning POA to her son, if something happens to her where its felt she needs 24/7 care, without a POA in place the government would take over and neither she nor her son would have any say in her care. A stranger would be making the decisions.
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If no one has POA, I would have her assign you before she is diagnosed with a Dementia. I would go thru a lawyer or paralegal. Your County Office of Aging can give you a number for Legal Aid besides helping with other resources.

I will assume that MIL has a green card and has been here over 5 years. If so, she should qualify for certain benefits. Where I live, Social Services is Medicaid and SSI (Supplimental Security Income) nothing to do with Social Security) If MIL worked here for over 10 years, then she qualified for SS and Medicare, right? If FIL worked here over 10 yrs and made more money than MIL, her SS basically should be what he received. (There is a formula) Not sure at 88 she can declare blindness. Have to declare a disability before you can collect reg SS. But would not hurt to look into it.

I live in NJ and Social Services are separate from Office of Aging, Adult protection services and the Health Department. And something has happened to MIL, she is now elderly and needs help. The services she may get are based on her income. Start with Office of Aging and see if they will evaluate her situation and see what services they provide. Is she on Medicaid for health insurance? If not she may qualify for that and be able to help with "in home" care. She may be able to get an aide even for a few hours a day.

There is probably a cultural thing going on where MIL feels its your responsibility to care for her. Stick by your guns. Seems like DH feels the way u do, so this is good. If for some reason MIL ends up in a hospital and rehab is recommended, send her. You can ask to have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If its found she needs 24/7 care and the Long term care is attached to the rehab, easy transfer from one section to another. If she has no money, u can apply for Medicaid. If she has refused to assign a POA, you can allow the State to become her guardian. Just be aware, that if this is done, you have no say in her care. If you have trouble getting her to assign someone POA, tell her what I said about the State maybe that will change her mind.

Guardianship is very expensive. I would try to get POA.
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lavidaloca31 Sep 2020
Thanks for your response. She does have medicaid but the most basic because she doesn't believe she needs it. She is a resident alien for 53+ years now.
We have a mutual accountant who we referred her to years ago. And just like people with borderline personalities she turned the accountant against us for a while. Now the accountant sees things differently. She has suggested to my husband that he convince his mother to sign over POA but she does not trust him. Its sad because he is the only person who looks after her.
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I think a state agency may be the place to start. Every state has a Dept of Aging and an Area Agency on Aging along with the Dept of HHS already mentioned, give them a call. I don't believe anyone can get gov't money for being blind. On the federal tax returns, however, there is a box to check if you are blind. Checking it can reduce your tax liability.

Stick to your guns about not letting her move in with you. I think you've figured that out already. I don't know what country she came from, but in the US the only doctor that "butcher" you are county coroners!
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Contact her county's social services through the Department of Heath and Human Services (you can find hers online). Her having emigrated here is not necessarily the issue if she worked and paid taxes into the system, so when you speak with a social worker be sure to explore what all her options may be for help. Whoever has durable PoA for her should be the person seeking out solutions so if neither of you has PoA, he will need to consider pursuing guardianship through the courts in order to manage her care -- and this is costly and he will need an attorney to prove she is mentally incapable of caring for herself. If he doesn't pursue it (or does and loses the case) then eventually when she is "bad enough" the county will get guardianship and then make all her care and medical decisions on her behalf and control any and all her assets, if she has any. Her children will have no say in anything. She sounds like a handful, so I wish you and your family much luck.
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lavidaloca31 Sep 2020
Thanks for your response. I dont think she will ever sign over POA. Our accountant discussed this with my husband but my MIL is very mistrusting and thinks he is going to do something with her money.
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