Re-living my mom’s last days - is this normal?

I believe from some things you said that you did have hospice? I am wondering at the screaming, cussing and begging to die. That must have been very hard to see. Were there not enough meds? Were they incorrectly administered at the end, that is to say by mouth instead of intravenously? It is hard to hear it was so badly done at the end, but I do think that your feeling at peace with the ways in which she passed, in her own home and without delay are good.
I was a nurse. In the beginning of my career there was no hospice nor hospice care and to tell the truth I saw the end of life come so badly that I myself have never feared death, only feared what happens before death. Hospice care was such a relief to me, and toward the end of my career I seldom saw a bad death; but I saw only hospital deathes where morphine could be given intravenously.
I am sorry it went so badly.
Do know that it is my experience that people often DO exit when others who they worry over are out of the room. They long to separate at then end, and family, even much loved, can feel a burden at the end.
You have been very expressive about both ends of this. And I think you will find peace even if it takes time. Try to journal to your Mom whatever your beliefs. I am an atheist and I write my bro still (tho less a faithful pen pal) the long letters we shared throughout our lives when separated. I decorate it with collage, tell him what I still worry over, tell him what I wanted to tell him that day, tell him when something reminds me of him.
I could not be with my bro at the end due to covid 19. I have received just today a last packet of our letters, cards, pictures from the friend who cleaned out his last things. They are so precious to me, and now, 95 days later, so much of the end time goes from trauma and pain to peace, to being settled, to beautiful memories of what we were lucky to have together. I can finally look at things without tears, with some pathos, but without tears and agony.
I believe you will heal. Allow yourself to feel what you feel when you feel it and if there are days you can only curl into a fetal ball saying "Oh, Mom, Mom....." then let yourself do that. Let no one tell you how to mourn; that belongs to you. I read the above and I trust that there will be peace, even joy in some memories, even laughter at remembered joy. I wish you the best and send you hugs. I will tell you this. I am 78, with a 58 year old daughter. I do not want her feeling bad about ANYTHING. Not about ANYTHING.
I am so sorry for your loss. You will be OK.

My mom passed away before Christmas and I go over things too in my head. I was so exhausted that now I feel guilty for not spending as much time with her as I should have - I just had so many other things to deal with like paying bills, maintaining the house, etc. I did know her wishes and I made sure that everything she wanted was done. I was also not there when she passed away. The hospice doctor had said she was stable and I really believe that she did not want me or my dad to see her in the last minutes. She was sleeping from all the morphine they gave her. In fact the hospice director told me that her dad was the same situation - he told her to go get lunch and seemed fine - but on the way back from lunch they told her that he had just turned his head on the pillow and passed away, so she believes also that many people want to slip away when the family is not around. The counseling from hospice will help - but now with the pandemic, they are not meeting in my area, so I have had to kind of go it alone also. I do believe you can have PTSD just from the last months or weeks or caregiving - it's very stressful and the anticipatory grief is there on top of the stress. You have to make painful decisions and see distressing scenes that can even cause you to physically feel ill in sympathy, I guess. My mom was also very particular about her appearance and I fixed her hair in the last few years, and had gotten compliments on it, but near the end I could not get her to keep her head up and the haircut was not good at all - and I felt bad about that too. I also played music for her, even though she was asleep when I was there. I felt like she might be able to hear it.
The counselor told me almost everyone feels that they let the dying person down, and that's is usual to keep asking what you should have done, or not done. He said it's just part of the grief and you have to forgive yourself and know that THEY knew you did the very best you could under the circumstances. I'm sorry about your mom - I feel this pandemic is making the grief even worse for many people because there are few ways to occupy yourself with activities. Your mom would absolutely forgive you.

You clearly have PTSD from this and have manifested it in your subconscious. It was unfair to make this promise to be there at the end, everyone comes into this world alone and leaves alone. Ask yourself this, if you had been going to the bathroom while she passed would you still feel this guilt? Only you know why you feel so guilty. Maybe it's because you took a break and we're enjoying time with someone else. It doesn't matter if she could talk to you now she would forgive you, so forgive yourself, then the dreams will stop. Good luck and God bless you

I too had the same experience as you. I knew my mother was going to die very soon. I had driven 4 hours to get to her & arrived at 3pm. Well, during the vigil I fell asleep. All day her breathing had been labored and painfully audible.
I woke up exactly at the moment the sound of her breathing stopped and my conscious just jumped back to reality. Mom was gone. I knew she had just passed as she was warm. I was so upset and disappointed that I was not “there” at the moment she took her last breath here on God’s earth.
I believe I asked a question similar to yours when I joined and the good folks on this site helped me cope by explaining that it is more common that one may think and often our loved ones prefer to die with no one “living” in the room. Now I firmly believe that.
I also believe that no one truly dies alone. I believe their deceased loved ones come and lead them to their Heaven, or Nirvana, or whatever affiliation religion or non religion.
Looking back my mom was a private & independent woman to her core and wasn’t afraid of being on her own. And that’s the way she chose to go. I feel she didn’t want me to see her take her last breath. But I literally shot up awake when my brain didn’t hear my mother’s labored breathing.
That may have been your mother’s choice to go when she knew you were with your sister and be comforted.
It’s ok. Please don’t be hard on yourself. You were close by thank Heaven & were there to support her way before her last day.
Please forgive yourself of that burden because her passing was *divine* in the sense no matter what because her family and loved ones where with her to lift her up.
My mom died 7 yrs ago at 89 y/o. It took me two years afterward to feel comfortable with missing that moment. The posters here really helped me work out in my brain why I was guilting myself even though I was doing my best. I can now, years later, live with it because I think it was my mother’s plan but in any case truly out of my or anyone but our God knows. Thanks to the posters here I got through it.
My condolences.

Dear "Dawners",

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom back in March and that you feel "plagued and haunted" by her last couple of days. You are so newly into the grieving process and we all process grief differently. Hang onto the knowledge that she "has" found rest from taking care of your dad and his "endless neediness", died in her own bed and went quickly.

I am echoing what so many of the others have posted - yes, it is possible to experience PTSD from having a loved one die and it is very common to be "vigilant" and then need to do something or be somewhere else for a moment and have them pass away. My husband is still to this day upset with himself when his dad died and we weren't there at "that moment" and that was back in December 2016. Both his sister and my husband were extremely sick while their dad was dying. We got a call after 9:00 pm - I was already in bed but, jumped out to put clothes on and he decided not to go so he could get get some rest and we'd see him the next day. He passed away about an hour later. If we had gone, it would have been a 50/50 chance we would have made it in time.

In my case, I have a lot of similarities to your situation when my dad passed away in 2004. After he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer and we had hospice come, he passed away at home three weeks later. I went through anticipatory grief two days before he actually passed away - I didn't know what that was until I contacted our hospice pastor asking him why was I crying when he hadn't even passed away yet. I decided I wanted to be with him when he died, so I started to spend the night over at my parent's house and slept on the couch. I was the last one he spoke to and I always had peaceful, instrumental music playing in the background. The next night I was startled at 2:00 am and heard a horrible moaning and groaning and ran into the living room where hospice had his bed set up and asked what was happening (this would be my first death). Apparently, she tried to turn him over to help prevent bedsores but he wanted to stay where he was. When sunrise came, she said he was showing signs that death was imminent. That afternoon I sat beside his bed with my hand on his forearm and sang hymns to him (I had led him to the Lord just two weeks prior) as well as having read some of my favorite scriptures to him that would prepare him for those final moments. I remember the rattling, the head turned with messy hair, the pooling of the blood in his lower extremities too. That night, a hospice volunteer came to be with us and we were talking in the living room. The nurse signaled to him and then she said "it's time" (I felt terrible guilt that we were in the other room just chatting). She explained each thing that was happening and 25 minutes later, I watched him draw his last breath and I immediately went into shock. My husband would not let me watch them take him away driving down the street we lived since 1968. I stood in the backyard and looked up into the heavens asking over and over "where are you and what are you doing." I was definitely traumatized by the whole experience to the point I couldn't even make a decision regarding the burial site. My mom was 79 and she couldn't either. She was in just as much shock as I was. My husband had to make the decisions.

Just like you, I didn't respond like I thought I would but, from what you've described I can understand the horrors due to the images and sounds you witnessed.

I journaled everything from diagnosis to death.

I have had several hospice pastors say that sometimes a loved one who is dying will either "wait" for someone to get to their bedside or to leave their bedside before they die - so they either don't want to be seen at that final moment or they really want to hang on until a certain person(s) arrive. I hope there can be some comfort in that. Life....and death are strange. May you sense the Lord's presence, comfort and peace during this most difficult time!

Dawners, believe me what you've described is only natural. I spent my mom's last days with her sitting by her side with the full intention of being there as she took her last breath. But I wasn't. That is very common so I've heard. People spend hours by their loved ones side and leave for a moment and come back and they are gone. Maybe nature intended it that way. Who knows.

As for going over your Mom's last days. I think that is probably natural too. I went over different moments of my mom's last days. I still do, five years later. But slowly over time, the impact of those last moments don't seem as devastating. In time, you'll replace those thoughts with good, happier times you spent with your mom.

I know it's hard but you will get through this.

My condolences for the loss of your dear mom; I know how hard it is to lose a loved one and to remember their last days and moments on earth. It's not easy.

First off, many times our loved ones DO NOT want us there in the room to watch them take their last breath. They PURPOSELY pass when we're NOT there so they don't leave us with that last ugly memory branded onto our brains. Trust that your mother transitioned exactly when she did for a reason; to spare you from watching her pass.

Secondly, it's human nature to dwell on ugly memories and ones that bring us sadness and pain. When I think about my dad's last days on earth, my mind immediately goes to the death rattle and assorted other ugly images. So I literally FORCE my mind OFF of those images and on to happier days when he was laughing at my kitchen table during a Christmas celebration. Force YOUR mind OFF of those ugly images of your mom and on to the happier times you had together. She does not want you remembering her in her last moments, but during her LIFE when she was happy and healthy. She's at peace now, and you can be assured of that; just look for signs that she's still with you in spirit. After my dad died, I kept finding pennies & dimes everywhere I went; I saved them all up and have a ton as reminders that they were gifts from HIM after he passed over.

PTSD is a very real thing, and you probably have some of it from what you've gone through. Talk to your doctor right away about medication to help you; I went on Paxil after I found my birth family in 2000 and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Yeah, family reunions for adoptees are NOT like they are on Long Lost Family, either. I couldn't sleep, I was crying a LOT, very sensitive to noise (that's the startle reflex acting up) and just anxiety ridden like never before. After the doctor put me on Paxil, it was as if a light switch was turned off in my head and I was finally able to function. Don't let this go on any longer; get some help, via medication and/or talk therapy or both.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

First...I am sorry you are going through this. This is very much like the symptoms of PTSD. And Hospice does have Bereavement sessions that you should attend. I also suggest that you talk to your doctor and discuss the idea of therapy. You need someone to talk to and more importantly maybe medication to ease your anxiety. You need to know it is OK to have these feelings but you should not focus on them.
*(side note I think maybe your mom was under medicated, she should not have been in pain as you describe)
OK..
Your Mom was not alone. You were there in the house..you were with other family supporting them as well. She knew you were there...
I had the same thoughts about not being right there when my Husband died, I was in the next room..I thought I heard him but when I did not hear any more I fell back to sleep. The Nurse told me that death is a private matter. Often people will wait until the room is empty, they will ask the person that has been sitting at the bedside for hours, or days to go get them a drink, or a blanket and the person will die when they leave the room. Or they wait until the person that has been sitting gets up to go to the bathroom.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You did the best that you could for a long time and that is all anyone could ever ask. It is your turn to be kind to YOU

It's been a very short time -- give yourself time for those memories to fade.

I thought I'd never forget the sight of my dead father's face, but within six months I couldn't bring up that image no matter how hard I tried. I still remember the general parts of his last days, but by and large it has faded.

I didn't have half the visuals you seem to have had, so just know that it'll take time for it to fade away. I think you should look into grief counseling or therapy to help, though, because you saw a lot.

Dawners , I’m really sorry for your loss and how you are feeling right now. Yes, I believe it is possible to have PTSD from the experience of watching a loved one die. As others have said, the reality of dying is not necessarily all clean, sanitised and peaceful like you see on TV. I totally understand the feelings of being plagued and haunted, as you put it. It can often be worse at night as you have finished being busy for the day and that’s when the bad thoughts start coming back. I felt exactly like this last year after my father died. He too wanted to die at home and got his wish, but he was in pain, agitated and yes, his appearance in that final week was shocking, distressing and the whole experience left me in torment. My father died when we had just left the room for a moment. I’m told that it can be the case that our loved ones wait for their room to be empty before they pass, so please try not to feel guilt about not being there at the very end. One year on, what have I learned from this? The first thing I did was speak to the hospice at home people who came in every so often with the drug supplies needed. They were able to read me my father’s case notes, which helped me to understand that what had happened to him was normal, that he had been removed of his pain as much as possible and that everyone had provided as much care and compassion as was possible. Maybe you can do this to help ease some of your thoughts about this? I also then sought counselling to help deal with grief and general bereavement, and have been able to recognise these distressing thoughts when they emerge, and to tackle them with various coping strategies that they helped me to identify. These include thinking about trying to find activities and hobbies that are positive for you, and aiming to try and do at least one of these positive things for yourself each day, however small. To begin .with, my first activity was just a quick 5 minute walk around the garden with a coffee - nothing special but it did help a little. I have also been able to set into context my father’s final weeks of suffering within the framework of a long and largely happy and fulfilled life, and so am focusing on the good aspects of his life rather than the end. We passed the first anniversary of his death a few weeks ago, and I felt terrible - all of the memories from last year came flooding back, and yes, I think this is PTSD. I don’t know how I expected to feel, but I do know it was intense and I was tearful and very low for a couple of weeks. On a positive note, these awful memories have started to lessen again as we have now passed that first anniversary milestone. I would say that I felt I had “turned the corner” a little with these tormenting, overwhelming thoughts around 7-9 months after his death. These are still early days for you, so take things slowly, look after yourself, be aware of and acknowledge your thoughts and seek help if you need it.

Yes, PTSD is very possible from watching a loved one die.

I saw my sister for weeks and I just tried to be grateful that her suffering was over. It did help to picture happier times in my mind.

I am sorry for your loss and I pray that God gives you grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time. Time truly does heal this wound.

Your mom didn't want you there for her final breath. She was leaving to a better place and didn't want you to have that memory. Please forgive yourself for being in the other room, you didn't do anything to feel bad about. She wasn't alone, Jesus came to take her home.

You didn't let her down! I don't even have to know you or her to assure this.

You were with her, she knew it, and she wanted to spare you watching her cross over. It's far from uncommon.

I've seen where family is around a dying relative 24/7, and as soon as they step out of the room, even just for a quick trip to the bathroom... that's when they let go.

My grandmother did this. Her sons were taking shifts with her in the hospital. Dying from cancer, on hospice, and over a month went by with her just lingering. Nurses said she just wasn't letting go. When one son left and the other was on his way, that's when she took a deep breath and died.

The end of life is rarely pretty. The way they die on TV is totally fabricated. These images took a long time to fade for me too. I’m very sorry if your mother was screaming in pain, morphine meant that wasn’t one memory I had to cope with. It took me a long time for things to fade, and some self control to move away from those memories. For me it was the dreaded J-curve – things got worse before they got better.

After 4 or 5 months, all my contracts had run out and I hadn’t had time to set up more work. I raided my bank account and went on a 6 week trip. New things to look at and think about every day were the turning point for me, although there were a few relapses as well. Give yourself time. Don’t let caring for your father keep you stuck in that time and place. Plan your way to a new life.