I have reached my limit of caring for my disabled son and his aging Dad who live together. I have to find them a full care facility. Any advice?

It sounds that you know you are making all this work for your son and his Dad, even if you are not living together. You have reached the end of your ability to keep it going, so you are asking about alternatives for them. Fair enough, but...

Depending on Dad’s ability, it would be good to talk it through with Dad BEFORE you start contacting agencies that will need to contact him to do an assessment etc. It would be a bit of a slap if he learned about the problems from them, not you. And it won’t be all that good if you make a decision about what’s best, and just present it to him as ‘what’s going to happen’.

COPD is not an issue here. This is an irrelevant plug for a for-profit company.

Weeping: Seek out the advice of the dedicated elder case worker and the social worker at their town's COA (Council on Aging).

Larger communities usually have an department for aging citizens as part of their government. Call your city hall and ask for the local resource. Another resource is to call the local sheriff's office. They know all the correct people to contact as well as resources in your area.

My parents had friends who moved into assisted living and got permission for their blind and dependent daughter to move in as well. I think you'll find your son and his dad may both be welcome in a lot of places.

I don't at all mean this to sound like any kind of accusation or judgement - how has it fallen to you a) to do it all and b) to decide that their days of independent living are coming to an end?

Why isn't it Dad's decision?

Call "A Place for Mom" and let them help you (free of charge) to find Assisted Living near you where they can continue to live together. You've been the hero in this story, please take off your cape and get some help.

There is a saying that sometimes you have to "bite the bullet", meaning grit your teeth and make the necessary change AS SOON as possible with no guilt.

I am so sorry for your pain and confusion trying to figure this out. There is excellent opinions in above posts. May I suggest talking to an elder care attorney, they are different than a estate attorney. They will help you find what is a good fit for your son and father for physical, mental, emotional issues. I can understand how overwhelmed you are and talking to one person would be easier for you.

I would look up local, state, and national disability networks to see what is available for the son. There are a lot. Like people with disabilities help.
https://www.usa.gov/disability-financial-support

https://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/disability_financial_assistanc.html

https://www.voa.org/people-with-disabilities
https://www.friendshipcircle.org/blog/2016/01/14/10-special-needs-organizations-you-should-know-about/


AND then local aging organizations for the husband. See what is available. And talk to local cna businesses.





Good luck.

Have you tried elder services for assessment ? They can come in bring medical equipment , Have a visiting Nurse check on them if any medications or involved , get a CNA in there for bathing and Light Housekeeping , a shopper for groceries , order meals on wheels for lunch , Doctor can order physical therapy . I Know for a disabled person there Maybe group Homes . Before I had to Place My brother in a Rehab / Skilled Nursing Facility I Looked on YELP for peoples thoughts and also Probublica Has a report from Medicare on what certain NH Are know for as far as neglect . That Really helped me find good Place for my brother who was well taken care of . The Senior center is a great Place for their opinion On the best Nursing Homes . Assisted living You would have to Tour .

Check out https://seniorsplaces.com with over 2000 assisted living and independent living communities you will find ideas and options.

Not one of these needs is snf related, and given it’s your child and has lived with your ex since he was six, perhaps consider getting housekeepers and aides for right now.

For your son I would check with your County disabilities. Eventually husband will be gone and son will need care. Find resources now.

Weeping, welcome!
Have you spoken to the Area Agency on Aging in your locale about what services are available? Have your guys had a "needs assessment"?

I always think that's where good planning starts, with professionals telling you what your loved one's need.

Weeping,
Try calling your area agency on aging and ask them to go visit them for a needs assessment to help find them housing.