My dad was diagnosed with a rare leukemia in May. He’s been doing chemo but he “doesn’t like it” and doesn’t want to keep doing it so he pushed and pushed for the stem cell transplant til they basically said they don’t recommend it and he is accepting to have the procedure at his own risk. It is intensive and risky even for someone who was young and didn’t have any additional preexisting conditions. But dad is starting next month. He needs to live by the hospital for 100 days which is about 150 miles from his house so he’s staying in a short term apartment ran by the hospital. In 100 days I will be 20 days from my pregnancy’s due date. I am being seen by a high risk OB. I also live about 100 miles away from the hospital. My dad wants me to leave home for 100 days and stay up there with him. He’s saying he literally cannot go through with the procedure unless he can prove he has a 24-7 caretaker. I don’t think it’s fair for him to put this on me. When my dad was first diagnosed I’d go with him to every appointment til I realized the appointments were more casual in nature than he was making them out to be (his presentation of symptoms were more concerning to Dr than the aggression of the cancer itself) he lied to get approved for the stem cell transplant saying his diet and exercise levels were more healthy than they actually are. He lives in filth. I have to deep clean his house which usually has dishes sitting in the sink from the last time I visited. When he’d come to our house for appointments (my husband and I live in a tiny 700 sq ft house with two large dogs) he would come the day before his appointment, we’d be in the doctors office for 15 minutes total, then he’d stay at my house for the rest of the week drinking up all our sodas and never offering to help with gas food or groceries. He is very unaware of social cues and general etiquette. He acts like he is blessing us with his presence and we should be doing everything for him once he shows up. My dad wasn’t in my life for my childhood because he abandoned me and even as an adult he hasn’t been the most reliable or present father. So I don’t feel compelled to help him as much as I would if we’d had a close and functional relationship. I think of all the times he left me high and dry when I really needed someone. I also think about how this is HIS journey. He chose to embark on this transplant. He knew what the requirements are. To make matters worse my sister mentioned she would come here from Germany for 30 days then her husband for 30 days and that would leave me with the remaining 40. My husband works full tim often 14 hour days. We have mold in our rental and are trying to move out asap and that requires finding a place, packing, moving, unpacking, etc. I am nearly 6 months pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. I’ve been sober for almost 2 years but I am still working very hard everyday to get better mentally require my own monthly set of doctors appointments both in my town and at the university hospital 2 hours away. Lastly my dad is a combat related disabled vet and has AMAZING benefits. With that comes the option for inhome care at no cost to him. I don’t know why he wouldn’t want a professional who is qualified to take care of him after his procedure to stay there with him. I think it’s unfair for my sister and her husband to take turns leaving their family and jobs in Germany and also unfair that anyone expects this of me when I am very much still trying to find my own footing. I can’t do it. It is too much. It’d be different if my dad took care of himself to some degree and just needed help with the medical part but he doesn’t he is a full grown child with a major codependency problem. Right now it’s too much for me with my life. But I can’t say this anywhere without feeling like I sound horribly selfish. I don’t know what to do besides take it upon myself to find him a caregiver. I am sure everyone will hate me for that but I need to set boundaries for onc
Your one and only priority is to your immediate family: husband, baby, and self -- not your Dad. Tell your Dad *your* doctor is forbidding you from any further stress, and this includes his caregiving. Then tell him he needs to ask another family member to do it or to hire an aid if he wants a caregiver. Then start having all his calls go to voicemail (and you can review them later in the day to decide if you want to return any). He should go ask the "everyone" who will hate you crowd. You know it's coming but who cares?? You have something way more critical going on. He has other solutions... he just doesn't like them. If you went through that 100 days and treatment with him and something happened to the baby... could you live with that? Of course not.
Honestly, he doesn't sound like he is cognitively all there. He seems to not have any empathy at all for your situation. Like a narcissist or someone with dementia. How old is he?
Also, there is another poster on this forum -- lealonnie1 -- who went through immunotherapy for melanoma and it has been nothing less than hellish. She was cured of her cancer but the remaining side effects of the therapy causes her to regret she ever did it. I doubt this will move the needle for your Dad, but just so that you know that she is permanently physically impaired now, including her vision and permanent vertigo, among other things.
I respectfully suggest you see a therapist since you are shaky in protecting your boundaries. The boundaries are for you. You defend them. Your Dad will always try to ram them because he won't believe it. You must let him knock himself out cold on your wall.
You aren't responsible for his happiness. He has other solutions that aren't you. YOU must also accept this fact. He will horrible-ize everything in order to manipulate you into being his care slave. "No" is the only thing you say to him going forward. Or silence.
As I started reading your post and the alarming details started piling up I knew it would include some variation of what I quoted above. We see this on this site ALL THE TIME: caring, conscientious adult children running themselves into the ground trying to please absent, neglectful and/or abusive parents. Trying to prove that they are worthy of the love they never received.
Even if you weren’t pregnant, let alone with a high risk pregnancy, I would say you weren’t thinking clearly about your biological father’s situation and his demands and expectations of you. He needs to hire care and you need to take care of yourself and your family.
Your ONLY priorities/responsibilities are the ones I listed in my opening sentence, period, end of sentence.
Your dad(aka sperm donor)has made his choice to go through with the stem cell transplant and it is now up to him to hire in-home help to care for him if that is what's needed. You nor your sister should have to uproot your lives for this man, who wasn't there for either of you.
Your mental health and sobriety are at stake here, and I truly hope that you'll put the boundaries in place to protect both. And that will mean telling dad that he's on his own in his recovery as you now have to protect yourself and your unborn baby, and that is your number one priority.
And it's time to be honest with his doctors as well, before they procced any further, and let them know that your dad does not have any in-home help set up and that he lives in filth and that he lied about exercising.
And then let them if they decide to proceed, help him find some in-home care., as that is not your job.
Your only jobs now are to be a good wife and mother, and find a new place to live without mold before that new baby comes as mold can be deadly.
I wish you well in setting the much needed boundaries, finding a new place to live, staying sober, and enjoying the precious gift of your child.
God bless you.
Good luck "dad".
And living in a 700 sf apartment with mold is a very bad idea for a healthy person w/o a high risk pregnancy. Please focus on yourself and getting moved out of there into a better environment for an infant instead of a selfish father who's shown up after being absent when YOU needed HIM.
Best of luck.
You have a good heart, Daughter, but to protect a baby you need a good head, and the fierceness and determination of a Lioness to put that child FIRST.
That child IS your obligation. If you need a letter of excuse from your OB/GYN he/she will be happy to write it.
1. Your father is very ill. In fact, he likely is dying. That's not your fault, nor can you change it.
2. Your father's ignoring best advice of his medical team.
He says that he's tired of chemo? The chemo given prior to stem cell is like none he can imagine. Likely from his mouth to his anus he'll be one big field of ulceration. And he will likely be begging to die.
3. You're correct about what he must have in place in order to attempt this heroic measure that is very unlikely statistically to do anything other than further harm/possibly kill your dad. (By the way, I think it is criminal for a medical team who admits this isn't the way to go, doing this).
He must have exactly the care that you tell us. It is very unlikely for him to be able to find OR afford that kind of care.
I lost a friend in need of a lung transplant for lack of that all being in place. No matter how we all tried to get it together on a schedule, and we her friends were all RNs.
NOW. HERE IS THE FINAL WORD.
You cannot do this. NO OB/GYN on earth would allow you to.
If you would like, get a letter of assurance to that affect from your OB/GYN he/she will be more than willing to write it. This is not physically doable for you.
YOU ARE OFF THE HOOK.
If you need more than your own doctor to read you the riot act about all this, or more than those of us here, then see a good cognitive therapist (none of the online nonsense) and he/she will read you the riot act.
OP, good luck. Again, your heart is good, but it will take more than heart to protect a baby, and to give yourself the care and strength to be able to do so.
There is no question of "guilt" here as regards your father; you didn't cause leukemia and you can't fix it. But if you fail your child and your child's mother? Then you would have every reason to feel guilty.
I am so dreadfully sorry about your Dad. But your father has had a life. I wish him the best and I wish him peace. I wish you strength. And for your child, I hope for a mom that puts him/her first. Always.
You should be able to make a choice as well.
You tell dad that you are NOT going to go with him. You are going to stay close to YOUR doctor, YOUR hospital for the duration of your pregnancy. I think it would be almost impossible to find a OB at this time and switch doctors. IT is unreasonable for your dad to expect this of you. (and if for some reason you chose to I doubt that you would be able to drive 150 miles in labor to get to your doctor and hospital.)
Your dad can contact the VA and request a caregiver to help him. (I am wondering if they would provide one if this procedure is one that is not recommended by his doctors)
Do not back down.
What your sister and husband chose to do is their choice.
You are going to be a mother. That will be your priority. Time to tell Dad that he will be on his own after the baby is born. You will not be able to drive 2 hrs and back to his home when you have a baby. Even now you should not be doing this. He needs to drive himself to appts or find an alternative. Senior bus or uber. You need to set boundaries. You really owe this man nothing. He probably had something to do with your addiction. Again, you do not need this stress. If he continues with this procedure, its all on him.
Your Husband and child are now your #1 priority. Update us on what happens.
We have to make tough decisions for our children.
Over and over, we have to choose what's right for them.
We have to have a STRONG backbone.
We have to make decisions that even hurt our own hearts.
From now, til that baby is 21 or so you will be called upon to make those hard decisions.
Consider this challenge with your father as practice for when the baby enters the world.
That baby will turn into a toddler, then eventually a teen before that. You'll be glad you had practice! ◡̈
Make the decision that's right for your baby.
As you know, the correct decision for your baby is to say no to your father.
"Pops, I can't possibly do that.
Say it before a mirror, until you can say it to him.
Let us know when you've told your father.
We're pulling for you, here!
Only answer your dad’s calls once a week, if even. It’s perfectly fine for you to go no contact with him.
You and your high risk pregnancy are the only things that matter in your world right now. Just because a crazy person wants to do something crazy doesn’t mean you have to be a yes person and fall in line and do the crazy thing with them.
No is a complete sentence and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Dont JADE:
don’t justify
don’t argue
dont defend
dont explain
YES! So true.
And last. No is a complete sentence. What others may think is on them. You have been selfless not selfish. You deserve a calm remainder of your term and I do hope all the 100% in agreement replies here as to what you should not do give you the strength and fortitude to decline this "invitation". With the VA services available it's even MORE reason to say no.
You've got this!! 👍👍