Recommendations for moving our mother-in-law to our house who forgets we discussed which possessions we agreed to donate vs. keep.

I ended up bedridden from the stress of having my mother move in with us. It took six weeks of crazy, and I was unable to cope.

We figured out that my mother had about stage 4 dementia. The arguing was out of control.

This was only after I came to this forum, desperate for advice.

We ended up moving my mother to Memory Care.

Skip the insanity.

Go right to Assisted Living.

You won't regret it.

Rubin, your MIL may not have been dxed with dementia yet, but if she is being worked up for cognitive decline and is argumentative over items she's forgotten she said were fine to donate, the handwriting is on the wall.

There is a terrible problem that some members end up having here; once their elderly parent moves in, it can be quite difficult to get them out.

They've established legal residence in your home, you're providing care (because she won't "allow" aides or non-family members to provide care. Do you evict her? In some cases, that's the only way.

Your house, formerly your sanctuary, gets taken over by an argumentative elder who accused you of stealing her money and goods. Incontinence ensues.

Old age, with or without dementia goes ONLY in one direction. Do your MIL a favor and get her into a good AL while she has mind enough to make friends and get used to routines.

Now that she's all packed up and ready to go, move MIL into a nice Assisted Living facilty that has a memory care bldg attached, so she can segue right into it when her "memory issues" worsen. Unless you have lots of experience and knowledge about dementia and how to care for an elder suffering from it, I strongly advise against moving your MIL in with you. It's a much much bigger thing to deal with than you can possibly imagine. No joke.

I have to also recommend that you NOT move your mother-in-law in with you. You have absolutely no clue as to what you're getting yourself into and your family.
A hoarder has a hard time letting go of things as they form unhealthy relationships with "things" and feel they can't live without them. It's a sickness. A mental sickness to be more specific, and the fact that you seem to be in denial of the severity of her hoarding tendencies should be a HUGE red flag to yourself.
And then you add memory loss/dementia on top of it and OMG you're in WAY over your head.
Hopefully it's not too late to come up with a plan B, like finding her an assisted living facility with a memory care facility attached as that will be the next step.

Rubin, your mIL has dementia.

There is no longer any rational conversation to be had.

Please, trust me/on this. Get her placed.

Be ready for her to hoard up your house. She is focused on keeping things around her and it won’t stop in a new home.

There is a reason people are telling you not to do this. I think people don’t realize how detailed, life changing, and hard it’ll be. Really think this through. 

-Any sort of schedule you have now will be out the window. 

-Can you lift her several times a day? 

-she will need a female to help her with things like bathing and toileting. And possibly to help her get dressed. Are you okay with doing this many times a day?

-Can you handle pee or poop accidents on her bed or anywhere else in the house?

-If you can’t handle toileting and such, are you okay with having aides in your home? Can she afford to pay them?

-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely? 

-Can you handle the onslaught of laundry, changing sheets, and cooking for another person?

-If you have pets, will she adjust to them or the pets to her?

-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need anything, but you'll find almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you want or need time out. 

-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? 

-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs? If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work the next day?

-Will she expect to be with you or husband constantly? Like every meal and every night with you both watching TV? Her having her own bedroom and bathroom isn’t the same as having her own home. And she can get very argumentative about YOUR things vs HERS. Like when a small child insists everything is “MINE!”.

-She will not have socialization with others in your home. You two will become her entire world.

-If you or your husband get sick or hurt, what plan do you have for her care?

Taking her out of her place and into a whole new one is a rough transition on an elder. If you end up having to place her again, that's another round of transition and newness she'll have to adjust to. 

I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Most on here loved their elder dearly and wanted to care for them. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.

All - I want to thank each of you for the guidance provided. We've had two neurologist already work my MIL to determine her cognetive functions to determine where she is based on the various spectrums. She has not been diagnosed with dementia, but we will remain vigilent. While I am not a MD, the majority of my family members are and we have discussed the benefits of home healthcare vs. assisted living/memory care. My wife and I both agree she would benefit from assisted living and we will most likely get to that point in time. I do worry about a number of the items each of you have mentioned and again thank you for your gudiance.

Oh boy, moving in with you? Have you done all the research about what can happen? There are many posts here about this adventure to hades.

The best thing to do is not say anything, do not discuss with her, she will forget all about it in 10 minutes anyway... if she has dementia.

Don't argue with her, just say ok and do whatever needs to be done.

If she is argumentative, you will be in for one heck of a ride if she lives with you.

All I can say is good luck.

We tell my mom that things are in storage.

It’s your responsibility to not argue with a woman whose brain is broken and is dying. It’s just a waste of everyone’s time.