My mother-in-law is moving in with us and we are working on closing out her apartment. As part of this process, she has agreed to donate or throw away various pieces of furniture, nick-knacks, and cloths. I would not call her a horder, but she has some of those tendencies. We have already been in a heated argument when she asked was something of her's packed and we said she had agreed to let it go. Our last trip to pack her apartment is this weekend and we plan to take pictures of packed boxes as well as what is going to good-will or the trash. Any other thoughts are appreciated.
She will sadly be 1 of those many ladies who come into a facility only to spend their day slumped over in a chair staring vacantly & isolated.
An elders whose families more than had the opportunity for earlier placement but waited too too long then finally moved their elder when their care got beyond what they could do in their home. And now they are way too deep into dementia to get somewhat dressed on their own much less socialize. The world has passed them by. It’s so sad as could have easily been different. These situations I’ve found are often those who complain about NH being “warehouses” fwiw.
Please pls don’t let that happen for your MiL, if you can help it. Get her into a place appropriate for level needed sooner rather than later.
Whether it’s a IL, AL, MC, NH….. they all have a routine to their days and activities for the residents. Even for the curmudgeons who in the back of a room at a NH for movie night or bingo. Imho you and your Wf’s family want to get her moved (& do positive reinforcement on the move if need be) while they can still physically and mentally still somewhat understand how theses places run and adjust their timing to the schedule. And you start to include the facilities schedule of events in your planning as well.
If MiL has been a widow for a long time, not active in her community or church, moving into a facility can be quite an adjustment. There are schedules, there’s a defined order how a place needs to run and it’s so not her’s to set; and her still being somewhat competent and cognitive to do this makes a huge difference to her successful transition.
Side note: y’all might have issues with “transition” as well in your home as it will be bad if MiL views herself as Queen with you & Wf. as her hand servants. Be clear w/Wf and her family on this…. Is her mom a guest, that you do for? Or a short term resident with responsibilities? Your gonna be very not happy if your once tidy household starts to look and smell like MiL old place. Just sayin’.
Sometimes, if possible, it’s better to enjoy home as long as possible, and as long as you’re aware of your surroundings.
It all depends on each individual case.
The best thing to do is not say anything, do not discuss with her, she will forget all about it in 10 minutes anyway... if she has dementia.
Don't argue with her, just say ok and do whatever needs to be done.
If she is argumentative, you will be in for one heck of a ride if she lives with you.
All I can say is good luck.
Aging Care….. this Adventure to Hades
MeDolly, it’s really perfection, plus Fire Ice would be easy font to use!
There is a terrible problem that some members end up having here; once their elderly parent moves in, it can be quite difficult to get them out.
They've established legal residence in your home, you're providing care (because she won't "allow" aides or non-family members to provide care. Do you evict her? In some cases, that's the only way.
Your house, formerly your sanctuary, gets taken over by an argumentative elder who accused you of stealing her money and goods. Incontinence ensues.
Old age, with or without dementia goes ONLY in one direction. Do your MIL a favor and get her into a good AL while she has mind enough to make friends and get used to routines.
“I do worry about a number of the items each of you have mentioned and again thank you for your gudiance.”
… in other words, you are going to disregard the advice from people who know of what they speak and move her in anyway. Good luck.
There is a reason people are telling you not to do this. I think people don’t realize how detailed, life changing, and hard it’ll be. Really think this through.
-Any sort of schedule you have now will be out the window.
-Can you lift her several times a day?
-she will need a female to help her with things like bathing and toileting. And possibly to help her get dressed. Are you okay with doing this many times a day?
-Can you handle pee or poop accidents on her bed or anywhere else in the house?
-If you can’t handle toileting and such, are you okay with having aides in your home? Can she afford to pay them?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-Can you handle the onslaught of laundry, changing sheets, and cooking for another person?
-If you have pets, will she adjust to them or the pets to her?
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need anything, but you'll find almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you want or need time out.
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done?
-If she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs? If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work the next day?
-Will she expect to be with you or husband constantly? Like every meal and every night with you both watching TV? Her having her own bedroom and bathroom isn’t the same as having her own home. And she can get very argumentative about YOUR things vs HERS. Like when a small child insists everything is “MINE!”.
-She will not have socialization with others in your home. You two will become her entire world.
-If you or your husband get sick or hurt, what plan do you have for her care?
Taking her out of her place and into a whole new one is a rough transition on an elder. If you end up having to place her again, that's another round of transition and newness she'll have to adjust to.
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Most on here loved their elder dearly and wanted to care for them. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
Not only will she be worse but you really don’t know now how advanced her condition is because the elder always seems more normal in their own familiar surroundings. Unless she is as familiar with your home as she is her own, she will be like a perpetual guest. By that I mean she will act like she has moved into a bad hotel. Wanting to be waited on and never being content with whatever you do.
It is so hard on her because her brain can’t make sense of it but it will be impossible for you.
She is going to suffer regardless as she is being moved especially if she truly does have dementia. You can’t help that. But you could put her with staff who are trained to care for others like her and that will help both of you.
You could video her saying whatever she agrees to. You could have her sign a document saying she gives you permission to discard whatever but she won’t remember/believe/agree she did any on those things. And even if she seems fine in the moment, it will all have to be done again because she won’t remember you just explained it. All she will remember is that you are the reason she has lost her belongings. What she will more easily remember is the distant past.
I would just tell her whatever she is asking about is in storage and change the subject.
There is no longer any rational conversation to be had.
Please, trust me/on this. Get her placed.
We figured out that my mother had about stage 4 dementia. The arguing was out of control.
This was only after I came to this forum, desperate for advice.
We ended up moving my mother to Memory Care.
Skip the insanity.
Go right to Assisted Living.
You won't regret it.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet online about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Educate yourself about what lies ahead as dementia progresses before you decide what steps to take. Knowledge is power.
Best of luck.
A hoarder has a hard time letting go of things as they form unhealthy relationships with "things" and feel they can't live without them. It's a sickness. A mental sickness to be more specific, and the fact that you seem to be in denial of the severity of her hoarding tendencies should be a HUGE red flag to yourself.
And then you add memory loss/dementia on top of it and OMG you're in WAY over your head.
Hopefully it's not too late to come up with a plan B, like finding her an assisted living facility with a memory care facility attached as that will be the next step.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=oldest
The arguments you're having now? They'll get worse. The hoarding? That doesn't get better. Her memory is already causing her problems (I'm guessing at least Stage 3 dementia), and you will be the villain because she won't believe a thing you say. There's no point arguing with her. Her brain is broken.
Too late for this advice, and you don't want to hear it, right? Well, I warned you. I wish you luck.